Hello

ERJ8521

New member
I'm El. I'm 36yo F. I've been married to my husband for 16 years with 2 kids.

I guess I've been living under a rock or something. I've just been introduced to the existence of polyamorous relationships via tiktok. I love my husband (B) dearly but I've always felt like something was missing. B isn't very affectionate guy. He has his fetishist which I do because I love him. Even though I absolutely hate it. He won't even try mine. I've noticed over the years that everything sexually is all about him. Hell we haven't had actual sex in a couple of years. He just jerks off while I do his fetishist.

I do have another guy in my life that is best friends with B and he's my best friends husband. We've all had a close relationship for many many years. Sex has been in our relationship but not very often. My best friend has lots of medical issues and has hard limits that effects their sexual relationship.

I would absolutely love it if my best friends husband (M) (who I call my second husband) and I could have an open relationship (kind of like dating). He will never leave her, he loves her too much. And I would never be the reason for that or wish that. He and I have had a.... I don't really know what to call it.. it's not an affair but we've been having sex together for a long time. For him and I it's just sex. I love him dearly but I could never live with him. M is the one that has given me any type of support. He has the opposite fetishist to mine which works perfectly. B has said that he doesn't care who I have sex with. I don't think he really cares about me anymore but doesn't want to start over.

I just don't know what to do. B wants me to see if I can find another woman that would be willing to do his fetishist and let him look at her lady bits. Not to have sex but that would be a bonus. M is willing to role play and do things that are a little taboo. Mainly have sex outside or in a place we shouldn't or use remote sex toys in public.

I could easily bring up the idea of a polyamorous relationship to B, but if I do that and it becomes a real possibility. Everything with M would have to stop. It could risk my best friends health in a round about way. Neither M or I want that.

Any suggestions?
 

Evie

Mod
Hello El, and welcome!

I'm glad you've found out about polyamory. I can see from your intro there are still quite a few misconceptions or ideas that are tied to mononormative thinking that you're probably going to want to unravel sooner or later.

I'm sorry you have such an incompatible sex life with B and that he won't involve himself with your fetishes. Perhaps it's time to stop doing something you hate so much, even though you love him. I'm not sure why he's making it your job to "find him another woman that would be willing to do his fetishes" - how come he's not out there meeting people himself? They have to like him, not you.

I'm guessing your best friend does know about the sex between you and M? Why would it risk her health it you guys were all just straight up with each other that you and M are quite clearly friends with benefits and would like to also have some romantic time, such as date nights or holidays by yourselves? No one has to change living arrangements to be polyamorous.

Lastly, I really want to address the way you've written this:
B has said that he doesn't care who I have sex with. I don't think he really cares about me anymore but doesn't want to start over.
You've juxtaposed those two statements with the implication that there could just as easily be a "so" instead of a period in the middle.
Could it be that B is actually of the kind of polyamorous mindset where he simply doesn't see sharing of sex with someone else as any kind of a threat to your relationship? I'm the same, I don't give two hoots who my partners have sex with (outside of my family members and my bff, who wouldn't do that anyway). It's not because I don't love them and want to share my life with them, it's simply that I don't give two hoots about who they have sex with.

Just a little food for thought :)
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Hi and welcome!

Ok, so you are in an open marriage where all people know? You, your husband, your friend, her husband M who is your regular sex partner?

And the part that is blah is sharing sex with your husband?

He has his fetishes which I do because I love him. Even though I absolutely hate it. He won't even try mine.

So you believe you are obligated to do do stuff you hate to show/prove that you love him? Where did you learn this belief?

I've noticed over the years that everything sexually is all about him. Hell we haven't had actual sex in a couple of years. He just jerks off while I do his fetishes.

Does that suit you? Or do you want to let sex with your DH go? Have a platonic marriage? Or separate?

Do you see yourself spending decades more just servicing him with his fetishes doing stuff you hate?

Is him phoning it in why you started sharing sex with M in the first place?

B has said that he doesn't care who I have sex with. I don't think he really cares about me anymore but doesn't want to start over.

How do you feel about him? Do you find this marriage satisfying?

Like really think on that, not respond from habit. Could your life be easier/more fulfilling with him as just his coparent, and not as his coparent + his lover + his wife + his fetish provider?

B wants me to see if I can find another woman that would be willing to do his fetishist and let him look at her lady bits. Not to have sex but that would be a bonus.

Could keep it easier on you. And simply tell B it is not your job as his wife to find him new sex/kink partners.

Sounds like this is already an open marriage, so he can feel free to go find his own other sex/kink partners so long as safer sex practices are used. Sign up on FetLife or whatever else he wants to explore.

M is willing to role play and do things that are a little taboo. Mainly have sex outside or in a place we shouldn't or use remote sex toys in public.

So go ahead if both consent. Just think ahead too -- because you both are married to other people, there's kids, and you don't need to be in the news or have job issues from it because you got busted having outdoor sex somewhere.

I could easily bring up the idea of a polyamorous relationship to B, but if I do that and it becomes a real possibility. Everything with M would have to stop. It could risk my best friends health in a round about way. Neither M or I want that.

I don't understand what this means. Why would it have to stop with M? How does it risk the friend's heath if you poly date?

Do you mean it's cool right now to share sex and share feelings with M? Basically do polyamory but call it "open marriage" and "sex partner" rather than "polyamory" and "boyfriend" so your hubby's ego/jealousy whatever doesn't get tripped up and tries to make you dump M?

Or did you mean something else? Like M doesn't want to do polyamory. He only up for Open. And you don't think you could be married to your husband, have M as an "open" partner, and then start poly dating to find your new "poly" partner because you only have the bandwidth to deal with two partners. So either DH or M would have to go?

Is it medical? Is that the issue? This is a closed system to try to protect your friend from catching germs through people being exposed/fluid bonded/etc with other people? How is the sick friend impacted more if you poly date, than if your husband finds new sex/kink partners?

Could you please be willing to clarify?

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I'm El. I'm 36 yo F. I've been married to my husband Brian for 16 years. We have 2 kids.
Hi El. I am going to give names to your people. It helps with readability for the members. I've also done a little light editing of your post for clarity. Please check.
I guess I've been living under a rock or something. I've just been introduced to the existence of polyamorous relationships via TikTok. I love my husband Brian dearly, but I've always felt like something was missing. Brian isn't very affectionate guy. He has his fetishes, which I do because I love him, even though I absolutely hate it.
Yuck.
He won't even try mine. I've noticed over the years that everything sexually is all about him. Hell, we haven't had actual sex in a couple of years. He just jerks off while I do his fetish.
That is not necessary. You don't owe Brian sex, or what passes for sex in his eyes. Marriage does not equal forced sex. If you hate it, you are allowing him to abuse you. And if he refuses to give you the kind of sex you want, or help you practice your fetishes, why are you putting out for him? Why so one-sided?
I do have another guy in my life, Matt, who is best friends with Brian. He's my best (platonic female) friend Diane's husband. We've all had close relationships for many many years. Sex has been in my relationship with Matt, but not very often. Diane has lots of medical issues and has hard limits that affect her sexual relationship with Matt.

I would absolutely love it if Matt (whom I call my second husband) and I could have an open relationship (kind of like dating). He will never leave Diane. He loves her too much. And I would never be the reason for that, or wish that.

Right.
Matt and I have had a.... I don't really know what to call it. It's not an affair, but we've been having sex together for a long time. For Matt and me it's just sex. I love him dearly, but I could never live with him.
So it's not just sex! It's love, dear love, romantic love. You don't have to live with someone to be in a loving long-term romantic relationship. Even if your feelings are not entirely romantic, out of some kind of holding back for Diane's sake, it sounds like it from our poly perspective.
Matt is the one that has given me any type of support. He has the opposite fetishes to mine, which works perfectly. Brian has said that he doesn't care whom I have sex with. I don't think he really cares about me anymore, but he doesn't want to start over.

I just don't know what to do. Brian wants me to see if I can find another woman who would be willing to do his fetish, and let him look at her lady bits, and not have sex, although that would be a bonus.

Matt is willing to role play and do things that are a little taboo, mainly have sex outside or in a place we shouldn't, or use remote sex toys in public.

I could easily bring up the idea of a polyamorous relationship with Brian, but if I do that and it becomes a real possibility, everything with Matt would have to stop. It could risk Diane's health in a roundabout way. Neither Matt or I want that.

Any suggestions?
I also didn't understand the final notes about how calling this poly arrangement by its name would mean you and Matt would have to end your romantic/sexual relationship.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings El,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like your sexual relationship with M is "just sex," while polyamory would mean you could "catch feels" for other people besides M. Having sex with those other people would increase the health risk to your best friend. Am I understanding that right? and in the meantime, you are wanting an open relationship with M? Does that mean you want more time with M, or more of an emotional involvement with M, or both?

It sounds like your relationship with B isn't very satisfying, at least the sexual part isn't. What if anything do you want to do about that?

I hope this forum can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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