Help! I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend but I am not poly

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glowinthedarkstars

New member
After a year with 2 partners, I realize what an emotional toll poly has taken on me, and that I don't feel innately poly. Yes, there are huge rewards to polyamory, but they don't seem to outweigh the emotional turmoil my partners and I go through. My boyfriend Patrick was poly when I met him and I was mono for about a year, then I started dating my girlfriend Nell (8 months). She is monogamous.

I love them both tremendously, but have fallen less in love with my boyfriend. I love him very much, though.

I had a very rough night last night because my girlfriend's friend told me I was breaking her heart, and that if I didn't get rid of my boyfriend, my gf wouldn't stay with me. Also, my bf was ugly. I was very hurt and upset by these comments, mainly because while we have discussed the status of our relationship, and I know she prefers to keep my relationships separate, it kills me to hear from my girlfriend's best friend's boyfriend that I am sabotaging my love life and breaking this beautiful girl's heart. He also told me he has no respect for me and he thinks polyamory is wrong.

I feel very judged by my girlfriend's friends. The hard part is, I don't feel like defending myself, mainly because I don't feel like being poly is really me.

Any advice would be great. Thanks, loves.
 
Well, there are a couple of different things to point out here.

1. Hearsay. 'Believe none of what you hear, and half of what you see.' This is an old saying, that runs pretty true. Being told something negative by
your girlfriend's boyfriend's uncle's plumber's goldfish is not a reliable source. It sounds like shit-disturbing to me.

2. It's very confusing with all things poly, isn`t it? To be able to love in multiple, but not enjoy the actuality of it all, happens a bit more often then people might think. The struggles... the truth is, they are not always worth it. That's where futures and goals can play a part in helping you determine what is and is not worth working for.

3. Feeling 'less in love' might be a product of the stress and pressure you feel under. It can kill libidos, affection, etc. You might need a break from the pressure, to see how you really feel away from the stress. People around you might not handle that well, though.
 
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Glow,

It sounds like maybe your girlfriend wants to have you all to herself and cannot handle your being poly, and that this strain is causing you to think maybe you're not poly, after all. To me it seems that you need to sort the issues into distinct categories and find out what's really there. If you are pressured by others in such a way that you want to give up on poly, that's a different matter altogether from not being poly to begin with.

I recommend being true to yourself at any cost. Find out what that means in practice.
 
River, I dont think I was really ever poly, while the freedom has been lovely. Patrick told me about polyamory and told me that's who he was. I was mono. He encouraged me to start dating, which I did. Then I fell in love with Nell.

Like the above poster said, I think it's all fine and good to be in love with 2 people, but maintaining 2 relationships is causing pain. I feel like my indecisiveness about where to go with this issue is only going to cause more pain. I can't see myself dumping either of them, but I can't see this working out for us in the long run, either.

Thanks for the replies. I don't know exactly what I am looking for. Just any input at all. This feels heart-wrenching. Some people say I have the best of both worlds, while other people say I am wrong for breaking my gf's heart and not committing fully to her. But I think I am just stuck in this place I don't desire to be in.
 
glowinthedarkstars said:
River, I dont think I was really ever poly.
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Glow,

You've just said that you love both of them and are in love with both of them, simultaniosly. That means that you are polyamorous -- since you're also honest about it with them. It's not like you've been cheating.

But you have pain about the relationships, as you say. And you seem to think that if it were not for there being two of them there'd not be the pain.

Is the pain about her rejection of your polyamory? Does she want you to be exclusive with her?

You say you don't want to "dump" either. But will she still love you if you are not exclusive with her? Does she resent your boyfriend, or the fact that you also have a boyfriend?

You say you don't think you're poly, but you seem quite confused about that to me.
 
River said:
You've just said that you love both of them and are in love with both of them, simultaneously. That means that you are polyamorous, since you're also honest about it with them. It's not like you've been cheating.
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This! Frankly, as someone who is trying to avoid a divorce, relationships, whether mono or poly, are full of emotional turmoil, and sometimes it's extremely hard to know if they are worth the effort or not.

If you do breakup with Patrick and commit to exclusivity Nell, will you be happy? Will her friends all of a sudden like you, or will they find other things to complain about? Why is she letting her friends fight her battles?

Do you really love her more than you do Patrick (whom you have dated a year longer), or is the NRE wearing off with him, while it's still in full force with Nell? It's very possible that the relationship with Patrick has just run its course.

The situation with Nell and her friends sounds a bit strange to me. She knew you had a boyfriend when you started dating, and now she expects you to dump him for her? This strikes me WRONG, like the mistress who expects a man to divorce his wife to just be with her, and when he doesn't, she has her friends tell him he is breaking her heart.

What other things in your life will this happen with? If Nell doesn't get along with your friends, will she (or her friends) expect you to dump them too? What about family or activites?
 
It is all so confusing. Nell doesn't expect me to dump Patrick, but I know she would ideally be monogamous with me. She doesn't understand why, if I see Patrick so infrequently, I want to be with him. (Nell lives 20 minutes from me and Patrick lives 2 hours away).

My relationship with Nell is pretty much like a monog relationship, with the exception of the fact that on Facebook it says I am in a relationship with Patrick (and also her, but he shows up first), and her friends give her shit.

She has just turned 20, whereas P is 32 and has been poly for ages.

I am capable of loving many people, but even when I was just with Patrick, the jealousy was hard for me to handle. I don't think of Nell as "wrong," just young, and struggling. And I am too.

Patrick is kinda not getting the attention from me he deserves because I have been so wrapped up in Nell. I love her almost too much...
 
glowinthedarkstars said:
On Facebook it says I am in a relationship with Patrick (and also her, but he shows up first).
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It must be my age, but I really don't understand the importance people place on FB shit. Don't get me wrong, I like FB and use it daily, but I have noticed that many of those in their 20s tend to get all bent out of shape based on a stupid FB status.:rolleyes: My advice, remove any mention of "relationship status" from your Facebook.

But then they will probably get bent out of shape about that also. :eek:
 
SNeacail said:
It must be my age, but I really don't understand the importance people place on FB shit.
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This. My response to whining I hear about that sort of thing is simple: "Grow the fuck up."

Sheesh.

I can see wondering what's going on if some partners are claimed as being involved and others aren't. That would lead to discussion. When all are included, however, bitching about placement is immature, at best.
 
Hi Glow,

It sounds like Nell's friends may be speaking out of turn. They may think they are trying to protect her, but it's not their place to be discussing your relationship with you. I think you need to tell them to mind their own business next time it's brought up.

For now, though, you need to sit down with Nell and hear in her own words what she wants/needs, before you beat yourself up over any of this. And using her age as an explanation is really just an excuse. I've known plenty of 20 year olds that are perfectly capable of handling a relationship, and just as many 40 year olds who still aren't. The fact is, Nell knew when you two started dating that you had a BF and she thought she could handle it at the time. If that's no longer true, what's changed?

Also, have you discussed your feelings or needs with either of them? I'm seeing a lot about how what they feel, and what they want, but do they know your feelings and needs? Any relationship, poly or not, requires all parties to be aware of and responsive to each other's feelings and needs for it to work.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do. Being in love can take a lot out of you, regardless of how many people are involved. ;)
 
Have you actually asked Nell whether what her 'friend' said is true?

I tend not to put much faith in the whole 'he said that she said that she said that your g/f said this to him' scenario!

If someone has a bone to pick with me, they might as well simply talk to me face to face, rather than using the verbal post office! Messages sent via the verbal post office are often garbled, changed entirely, late or never arrive! It's best to deliver the message myself and save myself the grief and frustration of relying on someone else.

Good luck. I hope your confusion lifts soon.
 
Glow, maybe you have just been trying out all the options. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Now things are changing and you can decide what you want to do next. That could take some time. It took me a long time to leave my wife for my now husband... two years, in fact. But it ended up that it was really the path I was meant to take. Be patient with yourself and decide for yourself what works for you.

Others will always object and judge. That is a given. It's our taking it on that is the thing to watch for. Don't take it on, but use what they said to decide what works for you. You are fully entitled to be mono, but think poly is great for those who want that. You have a bank of knowledge now from your experience that will likely be invaluable as the years go on and new relationships come to the surface. You made investments in your relationship bank account. You can draw on that. Staying where you don't feel comfortable is like going into debt, unsustainable.

Keep at it, girl. A change is a-comin,' methinks. :)
 
Egad-- a perfect time to say to Nell's friend, "If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you."

All kidding aside, it sounds like there are toxic people around her who are up to mischief, wanting to cause trouble. It's Nell and Patrick you need to communicate directly with.

glowinthedarkstars said:
I don't think I was really ever poly... the freedom has been lovely. Patrick encouraged me to start dating, which I did, and then I fell in love with Nell. I think its all fine, but maintaining 2 relationships is causing pain.
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For me, I find the whole, "Am I poly or not?" question a bit irksome. If a relationship is troubled or has difficulty, this kind of identifying as one or another can lead to doubts about one's own abilities to cope or make one feel as if there is something wrong with them if things are not working. Personally, I just think people are people, and it's the relationships that are polyamorous or monogamous.

From the alt.polyamory FAQs (I've bolded the important parts, as I see them):

Subject: 11). How can I tell if I am polyamorous?

I'm not sure; only you will know, and according to the philosophy of some folks, people aren't polyamorous, although behavior can be. Some people find that approach useful, and others prefer to think of "polyamorous people."

Some polyfolk tend to recognize themselves in the descriptions, and can only be restrained with difficulty from jumping up and down and screeching, "See! See! I *knew* it wasn't just me! Hooray!" If you aren't sure you're poly, the best practice is probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate clearly to the best of your ability as you learn; come to think of it, that's the best practice for polyfolk, too, so you'll be one of the crowd anyhow. Besides, being polyamorous is not inherently "better" than being monogamous, so there's no need to feel like you have to pledge allegiance or anything like that just to hang out and look at the questions.

Another thing to consider is that the word "polyamorous" is, like all labels, just a tool. What you do and how you treat the people you love is probably more important to them, in the long run, than whether you fit a particular descriptive term, so don't sweat it, okay? And take good care of each other.

An alternate point of view:

"There aren't polyamorous and monogamous people; there are polyamorous and monogamous relationships. The same person may at various times be happy in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships at various times in his/her life. What is right depends on you and your feelings, and the feelings of those you are involved in relationships with. You may at some times be involved in a relationship that is monogamous, and that may be the right thing for the people in that relationship; at other times, you may be in a relationship which works better as part of a polyamorous network of relationships. In any case, the important thing is probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate clearly with intimate partners and potential partners about these issues. Don't deny your feelings or the feelings of those that you care about. Get in touch with how you and those you care about really feel, rather than how society wants you to feel, or how you think it would be logical to feel, or how you've been told polyamorous people (or monogamous people) should feel. Then behave in ways which are honest, and which make you, and the people you care about, and the people they care about, happy and fulfilled. If this results in you having more than one intimate relationship at the same time, or being involved in a relationship with more than two people, those who are big on categorizing and labeling people will label you a 'poly person'."
 
Sounds like a normal situation of a poly person learning to deal with reality to me. Many of us have been through what you're in the middle of and worse, some of us many times over. Relationships are hard. Poly ones are harder. Nothing new there!

+1 to those saying, "Talk to your partners, and everyone else can fuck the fuck off." Hell, even my poly friends frequently stuck their collective noses in our shit on a regular basis, which often caused issues in our FMFF cohabiting fam. When there's distance compounding communication issues, this complicates further a complicated issue, and people sniffing around and stirring pots doesn't help.

Consider the source. If said source isn't one of your partners, consider it a lot less.
 
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