Help! Issue with Sex, Locations, and Logistics with Family

SoeurSage

New member
Hello there! I'm a bit new to poly and just found this forum. I don't know if my situation is rare or common, but I haven't been able to find any kind of guidance online because it seems to me like we're sort of unique?

About a month ago, my husband (let's call him Kale) met a woman (let's call her Basil) who was married (let's call hubs Oak) with three very young kids (we have a 5 yo too). The similarities to our two relationships is SO crazy. We met very young (before 20), had strife, worked through it, became strong as a couple, got married, had kids, and within the past few years started wholeheartedly working on self discovery and things like this and admitted to being poly. It's so weird, like this couple has SO MANY things that we just vibe with, like our own traits and likes and stuff mixed and redistributed in Basil and Oak. I mean, we fucking LOVE these guys as people, poly aside they are RAD. We are all grown adults with LOTS of experience in maintaining our solid marriages, and I mean SOLID. Kale and I have been together for 25 years and Basil and Oak for like 13. Within FOUR DAYS we all knew our families were intertwined for life. (We are now at a month, tomorrow.) It's been so wonderful that we've practically moved to their (bigger) house half of the time. No one wants to NOT be together. Oak and I are not in a romantic relationship, but are open to it if it develops over time. Kale and Basil are both adults and recognize their love for each other from their strong love and bonds with Oak and I, so we ALL know this is the real thing.

So the real issue is this. I don't want my Kale's first time with another woman, who he is head over heals in love with, to be in our bed. I don't mind after that, I just don't want to think of that special occasion every time we lay down for our own intimate time. Oak has a rule that Basil can't have sex in their bedroom, and Kale must wear a condom. No one has really had other sex, so STDs are pretty much out of the question (but we're willing to get tested just in case). There has been some bedroom oral fun a few times when we spent the night, but no sex between anyone. The main issue is that Kale desperately wants to make love to Basil, but without a place, it's seeming more and more impossible. No one has money for a hotel, and Kale has issues where the expectation of having a hotel, plus the awkwardness of a condom when he's never had to use one before, will kill the mood and he's afraid he won't be able to perform. They are SOOOOO in love and I want to support them. But it's gotten to a point where they just need to do the deed and solidify that bond. There's just a location and timing issue.

We just talked about pausing the fun times until Basil and Kale can have their experience, and that's TOTALLY fine (actually preferred) with me. But it's hard for them to even get a moment alone, much less a date or a night alone where they are free to have sex if they want to.

I've never heard of another poly relationship where two families are fusing together so hardcore, where the center couple can't even BE a real couple. Their kids are calling Kale and I mom and dad, and I'm getting to be a mother to their 3 yo and oh man everything is so beautiful. But Basil and Kale NEED their time alone to solidify their bond, and to have that beautiful making love moment.

The stress of their not having a time or place, plus the whole condom issue, is really causing a problem, to the point where I'm willing to give up the sacredness of our bed so they can have their time. I'm just worried what it will do when I have to think about them sharing that special experience every time Kale and I go to have sex. I don't want him to be thinking about her when he's about to have sex with me. They tried to fool around in Basil and Oak's bedroom, and Oak walked in while they were um having oral fun and Kale said it was SO awkward for both he and Oak.

Does anyone have any advice at all? I don't know any other poly people around me so I don't really have anyone to ask. I've been listening to podcasts for over a year now, and no one else seems to have this kind of merging families situation where the place to have sex is a real problem. (The condom issue is just an extra added bonus, LOL.)

Thanks everyone for any advice you can give.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Hi and welcome to the forum.👍

What about a weekend camping trip ...weather permitting ?

And this might sound sort of stupid or crazy but I didn’t this for my kids when they were little we had indoor camping where I set the tent or tents up in the great room and or our finished basement. They would have friends sleep over sometime .

so with 2 homes id think if you let the love birds have one with a queen size tall air mattress ( I got 1 or 2 of those and they are super nice for camping ) it close to sleeping on a real bed...and good for extra sleeping capacity when needed.
it doesn’t have to be a one time purchase even if your not into camping....but with kids with cub scouts and brownies it’s not bad to have. think investment/ happiness and mission complete.

Buy the economy pack of condoms and give them 2 full days and nights and a do not disturb sign and let nature take its course.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello SoeurSage,

Just wondering, does either of your homes have a guest room? or something that could be turned into a guest room? or something that could be temporarily used as a guest room? and if you don't have an extra bed, could you get an inflatable mattress? Maybe you could piece together a room which Kale and Basil could use. If the door doesn't have a lock, I suggest installing one.

The condom problem is not one for which I can suggest any easy solutions. Oak insists that they use a condom, so unless there's some way to convince Oak to back down on that requirement, I'm afraid they're going to have to bite the bullet.

I think dingedheart's advice is excellent in general, I am just kind of adding some food for thought.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I agree with the others. No money for hotel? Make do! You do have two houses.

Kale could invite Basil to your house. And you and Oak can hang with the kids at their house to give them some space and privacy. Or you just take you and the 5 yr old kid out somewhere for a while.

Buy an air bed. Or not. If the house is empty? Basil and Kale can do it in the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, wherever if the house is empty and nobody is walking in.

If you are willing to let the bed thing go, could ask them to at least use separate bedding on the bed so you don't have to sleep in their sex sheets. Then it's Kale's job to wash the bedding and change to fresh, empty the trash, and tidy up after his guests leave.

The stress of their not having a time or place, plus the whole condom issue, is really causing a problem, to the point where I'm willing to give up the sacredness of our bed so they can have their time. I'm just worried what it will do when I have to think about them sharing that special experience every time Kale and I go to have sex.

I cannot tell you for sure. But my guess? You will probably think about it a lot anyway since this is all new whether they do it in the bed or not. You are already thinking a lot about it.

Over time when it is not so new? You won't think about it so much any more.

I don't want him to be thinking about her when he's about to have sex with me.

You are not in charge of other people's thoughts. They are the ones in their heads doing the thinking, not you.

My guess? He probably will think about other partner whether he and Basil share sex in your bed or not. Again... because it's new.

The one argument I had with BF2 years ago was about comparisons. He was worried I was comparing sharing sex with him vs sharing sex with BF1. Was I? Sure. They are different people! But it was in my head.

BF2 wanted to know some TMI details and I said I was not at liberty to say because it was not only my info. That info also belonged to BF1 and I would have to obtain consent first before I shared details like that. I doubt anyone likes a partner just blabbing to other people about what they are like in bed. I wasn't happy about it, but if it helped him lay this to rest I would ask, but I wasn't promising anything. BF1 had to give his consent and he might decline.

Then BF2 said something like "Actually, never mind. You are right. It's not my place. And it is not necessary for me to know. What is necessary is safe sex practices."

I think seeing me protect BF1's privacy as the hinge made him realize if shoe was on the other foot, I'd do same and protect BF2's. I don't blab.

So if your worry is "comparisons" and that's why you don't want him thinking about it? You cannot control his thinking.

You CAN ask him as a hinge not to share TMI details about (you+him) with other people and not overshare TMI details with his other partner(s) with you.

Every dyad needs its own privacy.

Kale has issues where the expectation of having a hotel, plus the awkwardness of a condom when he's never had to use one before, will kill the mood and he's afraid he won't be able to perform.
What are the personal boundaries here? Cuz you cannot be Kale's "dating coach." That gets kinda weird. He can talk about these concerns with Basil.

And what's wrong with his tongue, fingers, or toys? Sex share is sex share. It's not "Only PIV or PIA sex counts as real sex."

Over time he can learn to use condoms and get the hang of it. Again... stuff between him and Basil. You really don't have to be all up in their sex life beyond safer sex practices across the four of you.

Unless you all get off on sharing TMI stuff that and agree it is ok to do?

I think it is best not to TMI people.

They tried to fool around in Basil and Oak's bedroom, and Oak walked in while they were um having oral fun and Kale said it was SO awkward for both he and Oak.

So they are already lovers and sharing oral sex then.

Could learn to lock the door. Kinda surprised the parents Oak and Basil are not already doing that with little kids running around.

Galagirl
 
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dingedheart

Well-known member
I have a couple other suggestions. How about you practice with kale using condoms for a week or 2 Or what seems necessar. Practice makes perfect so speak.

And then with a hard / set in stone date for this bliss event on the calendar cut off practices / sex contact for kale and NO self love for him either. If he wants to be at the top of his game so to speak then a little planning can’t hurt.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
This isn’t your question, and is perhaps wildly unsolicited, but the thing that jumped out at me about your story was the speed at which y’all were entangling with your kids to boot. My first poly relationship was like that - although it was a quad where both possible non-nesting couples were deeply romantic/sexual. Anyway...my kid was 2, their four ranged from 2-9 at the time. And we all spent a lot of time together as a great big happy family. Things ended... badly, after a really intense almost-a-year. That was in 2014 and tbh? I still miss those kids. My kid is lucky and doesn’t remember them, I have no idea how the older ones felt about having people disappear from their lives like that. Anyway, my point here is that your overall setup sounds blissful, but a month is a really really short time no matter how magically compatible y’all seem. So... be careful?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
This isn’t your question, and is perhaps wildly unsolicited, but the thing that jumped out at me about your story was the speed at which y’all were entangling with your kids to boot. My first poly relationship was like that - although it was a quad where both possible non-nesting couples were deeply romantic/sexual. Anyway...my kid was 2, their four ranged from 2-9 at the time. And we all spent a lot of time together as a great big happy family. Things ended... badly, after a really intense almost-a-year. That was in 2014 and tbh? I still miss those kids. My kid is lucky and doesn’t remember them, I have no idea how the older ones felt about having people disappear from their lives like that. Anyway, my point here is that your overall setup sounds blissful, but a month is a really really short time no matter how magically compatible y’all seem. So... be careful?
I'd second this. We experienced polyamorists tend to make a distinction between infatuation/new relationship energy, and long term love. We have an acronym for new relationship energy, NRE.

It's great that you all are getting along so great right off the bat. You have a lot in common. That's awesome! And I hope all 4 of you have what it takes to get along, long term. I might suggest not having the other couples' kids calling you mom and dad... what if things do not work out, and things get weird, and you do break up? Short term compatibility does not guarantee long term compatibility.

Anyway, people have given good advice about where to fuck. It's complicated doing poly, especially new relationships, with kids in the mix. But since you and Kale only have one kid, it makes sense for you and kid to vacate the premises for a few hours and give the lovebirds some space. Where they actually do it, it's none of your business, honestly, if you think about it. It could be your bed, the kids' bed, the kitchen counter, the shower, the hallway, the stairs, the living room, family room, the bedroom carpet... Just don't ask, and Kale doesn't need to tell you anything about what they do and where.

PIV is not the be-all and end-all of sex. I hate to think about either party expecting themselves to "perform." Sex shouldn't be a performance, it should be a shared mutual activity. His penis doesn't need to get rock hard and go into her vagina on their first "real" sex date. I've dated a few guys who were a bit less than fully hard on a first or second sex date. So we just did all the other many many things people can do. We all think women need to trust a guy to have good sex, but many guys, especially inexperienced, sensitive or shy ones, may not be rock hard on their first try. Or they might get hard and pop off in 2 minutes from excitement. And that's O.K. If you care about each other, it doesn't even matter.
 
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