HELP: Mono battling depression and failing to navigate mono/poly relationship

Mollykins

New member
I’ve been experimenting with various relations types the last 2 years. I decided to have a go with poly and in July, met basically my best friend and I’ve essentially been mono ever since.

I love him dearly but I have come to the realization Poly isn’t for me. I’m battling depression and it’s been worse these last few months with my worst days around my partners dates. The support and friendship i get from him is helping me battle with my depression but my hurt and jealousy is fueling it. It’s a double edge sword with the latter feeling a bit more sharp as of late

I’m now realizing our future is bleak. He sees us eventually moving in together and I, honestly, i can’t fathom I’d ever be comfortable having metamours for overnights in our shared home nor would i be comfortable restricting use of said shared home to no overnight guests. Basically, I’ve come to the realization my emotions surrounding poly is too great for me handle while battling severe depression and i need to end the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had with my best friend ever.

I plan to share this with him this weekend. However, i still want and need my best friend. I still want to go for bike rides, play tennis, see a show etc. I still want to share my day via txt with him and here about what’s he’s up to and how he’s doing. I care very much for him and he’s been my rock with some recent health issues and I’m freaking out about loosing that but i just can’t handle sleepless nights and bouts of crying when i see a date he’s scheduled, when he’s on the date and even still, the next day, after his dates.

How can i possibly break his heart, end our primary relationship status and still ask to remain close friends that still spend lots of time nurturing that friendship?

I’m pretty sure he’ll propose going back to mono (been poly 10 yrs but I’m his first primary after his marriage ended 5 years ago) but i feel the guilt for ‘making’ him change would be just as daunting as the current jealousy so i feel i need to stay strong and stick with the decision to end things but, shit, I’m having a tough time thinking of not having him there for all day weekend adventures, parties, vacations and all the things you typically drag your significant other along too.

How can i make this easier on either of us? I can loose him but I also can’t continue in a relationship style that effects my health is such a drastic way
 
I so sorry you are going through this.

One of my partners is in a similar position. His mental health was tanking and it was clear that our relationship was not healthy for him. We very nearly broke up, but decided to see a therapist together first. Our therapist had helped us work through some of our underlying issues (my discomfort with ever having to say “no” to my partner and my partner’s anxieties and sadness about me seeing other people) and has helped us get to a healthier place.

I will warn you, though, that it got worse before it got better. But it has been really helpful and we are in a much better place.
 
Are you getting all the other help you can get for your depression?
Are you seeing a therapist? A psychiatrist?
Do you have a group of friends (who know) that you see regularly?
Does your work environment allow you to take a day off if needed?
etc.

Everything that makes us happier and more resilient helps with our relationships, poly or mono, continuing or breaking up.

I hope you'll be ok.
 
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I'm sorry you struggle. It sounds like you are firm on what you want to do, but scared to do it. Is that it?

I care very much for him and he’s been my rock with some recent health issues and I’m freaking out about loosing that but i just can’t handle sleepless nights and bouts of crying when i see a date he’s scheduled, when he’s on the date and even still, the next day, after his dates.

Then you have hit a personal limitation. Poly is NOT for you. And you need to do something about it so you can function better.

How can i possibly break his heart, end our primary relationship status and still ask to remain close friends that still spend lots of time nurturing that friendship?

You just ASK. Ask him what he is and is not up for. Then you respect his answer.

I get the feelings might be challenging right now, but the actions seem pretty straightforward.

You make him aware that you struggle. If you want to end the poly romance part because it is hurting you? End it. You have to be able to say "I care about you a lot, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me. I need to end the poly romance part."

Any decent person would understand that need.

If you want to suggest being good exes and friends that sometimes enjoy activities together (ex: bike rides, play tennis, see a show etc.)? Ask him if he wants to do these things still.

You say "I want to try being good exes and friends. I know we might need a bit of a break in between to individually heal from the break up part before trying a new friendship thing on. But could you be up for that being good exes and friends? What would that look like to you?"

I still want to share my day via txt with him and here about what’s he’s up to and how he’s doing.

I would suggest at least 30 days no contact to give the romantic part some closure, and then start easy like touching base once a week or every 2 weeks. Maintaining DAILY contact throughout the break up part is not realistic and doesn't let either of you accept the change or have space to digest the change.

Then after a while it might be able change to daily contact again.

Be ok being in a transition and ALLOW the transition to have some space.

I’m pretty sure he’ll propose going back to mono

If he asks that, you can say "No, thank you. I cannot joyously consent to that. I'd feel guilty for ‘making’ you change and that would be just as daunting as the current jealousy I struggle with. I'm not up for going mono with you. "

How can i make this easier on either of us?

You speak honestly and from the heart and you endure on faith. Faith = the confidence that actions rooted in good character will yield the best outcome even when you cannot see how. So do the talking you need to do, be honest, and up front.

You also give the transition to a new model of "good exes and friends" some times and space to happen in. It means letting go a little bit. So overall you can continue together in friendship. Or at least trying to.

And if it needs to part at "good exes only" because he's not ready to be friends at this time? You accept it. And you have a good break up. Those are valuable. And much better than ugly ones!

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl sets up a good system for an amicable breakup. But I think your depression can be addressed with medical help, and once you're healthier, you might be able to handle your bf's poly nature better. No need to jump into a breakup right now. Individual therapy, meds if necessary, couples' therapy, maybe "taking a break" from dating if you need to. Try all those first before a full break, is my advice.
 
Thanks for for the replies so far

I’m actually NOT being helped for my depression, yet. I’ve been actively seeking therapists but have been discharged by just about all on insurance (1 psychiatrist and 4 psychologists) because they all feel i need partial hospitalization or intensive outpatient therapy rather than a once-per_week gig. Everyone has recommended not making any drastic decisions until i get therapy but it’s been MONTHS Zane i can’t find anyone! I even had an appointment with an intensive outpatient 2 weeks ago and they put me on a legal hold for 7 days with Xanax every 4 hours but NO THERAPY. I have another appointment Tuesday for another partial hospitalization/intensive outpatient mental health program but even then, the wait list lis a few weeks’ if accepted. I want to be treated and get the talk therapy and coping strategies i need to work through my relationship issues and the rest of the issues i struggle with as of late but, the mental health system has been failing me so I’m turning to Internet forums to help me navigate the relationship aspect. It’s sad, actually, it it’s all I’ve got right now
 
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Thank you for more info.

I sympathize. It can be hard to "break in" with a psych or a hospital program who will prescribe meds. It can be SO frustrating! :(

Have you tried just counseling and explaining that you need a "for now" once a week gig as you search for the other part? Like a Clinical Social Worker/Therapist person who does NOT prescribe medication? That might get you the talk therapy part. You could try getting a general check up with your family practice, get their list for counselors. Or call your insurance to get their list. Then once settled with a counselor, ask for their psych list to compare against your insurance. Then the counselor is in charge of the talk therapy and the psych deals with any medicines prescribed.

Sometimes you cannot get "all in one" but it has to be more like "puzzle pieces of doctors/professionals." Plus living in the meanwhile as you get the puzzle piece people together. I had to do that with one of my kids.


If all else fails you walk into ER and check yourself in.

I hate that it is like that for people. Health care access could be made easier for them!

If the medical part is dragging out, you might have to think about breaking up peacefully. Whether permanently or for a while until you are actually well? That's up to you. But something has to change somewhere from the sound of it.

Because if you cannot solve ALL your "stresses and sads?" Then it might have to be the strategy of "reduce the number of stresses and sads" so you can cope better.

YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
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MFTs

I have tried MFT but I’ve just been so overwhelmed, i mostly cry and ramble during the session. I’d requested my BF set up a couples therapy session with his ploy MFT for after our check in this weekend (we do these monthly but this will be an off cycle one following the crazy week we both had with my 5150. I think he forgot though as i don’t see an appointment on calendar 😕
 
Mft

I think he forgot though as i don’t see an appointment on calendar ��

I just asked him and he didn’t forget. The MFT feels she may be biased to him if we go together as he has on ongoing therapy relationship with her. It’s not a deal breaker for her but he was going to talk to me about it during the checkin

(This is part of why i love him so much and is a great friend - he follows through and our communication is stellar!)
 
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That's a start then. That you have something maybe coming with the BF's counselor.

How about self help books to tide you over til the appointment? My kid does this one and I think the author has done others in that "teen workbook" series. Maybe there is one for depression.

The Anxiety Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Deal with Anxiety and Worry by Lisa M. Schab LCSW

I'm sure there's adult books but maybe teen ones are easier to digest if you are already super stressed out? Hoopla, overdrive and other online libraries may also have them so you don't have to buy.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
Books

How about self help books to tide you over til the appointment? My kid does this one and I think the author has done others in that "teen workbook" series. Maybe there is one for depression.

I actually have two adult workbooks recommend by a psychologist just before she dropped me. I’ve started them but i think they work best with working with a therapist and interpret the feelings. I did listen to ‘Come as you are’ and ‘how to Un-f*ck Yourself’ plus a few poly books. I like the ‘in-f*ck yourself but the clarity and feelings were short lived - i thins I’d need to listen to it it every week!

I swear, I’m TRYING to get help, better myself and save my relationship with my BF!
 
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Hi Mollykins,

It sounds like you are dealing with hurt, jealousy, depression, and the realization that poly isn't for you, all at the same time. You are trying to get professional help for your depression, but it is an uphill battle. In the meantime, you are thinking about breaking up permanently. I suggest you break up temporarily. Poly is too much to deal with when you are dealing with depression. Break up temporarily so that you don't have to deal with poly for awhile. Continue to be broken up until you can get the professional help that you need for your depression. After the depression recedes and is under control, then decide whether to get back together with your boyfriend, or to break up permanently. But hold off on making that decision until the depression is no longer overwhelming you.

In the meantime, ask your boyfriend if you and he can still be platonic friends while you are broken up. It's okay to ask him, just ready yourself for the possibility that "No" might be his answer. There is no guaranteed "Yes" in this situation, he has the right and autonomy to decide for himself. But on the same token, you have the right and autonomy to ask. And there is no special way to ask to improve your odds, I suggest you keep it short, sweet, and honest. You sincerely want to be his friend, even if not a romantic friend. It is good for you to tell him that, so that he can know it.

It is okay if poly is not for you. Poly is not for a lot of people (and that is also okay). Just take care of yourself, and try to reduce the load you are carrying. The future is as yet unwritten.

With regards and sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
I just asked him and he didn’t forget. The MFT feels she may be biased to him if we go together as he has on ongoing therapy relationship with her. It’s not a deal breaker for her but he was going to talk to me about it during the checkin

(This is part of why i love him so much and is a great friend - he follows through and our communication is stellar!)

It is good of her to think of this ahead of time, but I would still try it for now and then ask her for a referral to someone else — another MFT who can be more objective. My boyfriend and I both have individual therapists who work well for us, but when it came time to really dig in together we found a new person to work with. The good news is hat poly-friendly providers often know of other poly-friendly providers.
 
Update: i did it!

Update

Well, i did it. We ‘broke up’ last night. It was emotional for both of us and, so far, it looks like my biggest fear of loosing my best friend has been avoided!! He wants to still do all the things we do. We still kept our overnight last night, are spending all day together with fun activities, bought tickets to see his GF’s play next week, still want to plan a vacation to see my dad in July.... it’s almost too good to be true. We did monthly relationship checkins regularly and we are still keeping our next one on calendar in 2 weeks - it’ll just be modified to a transition/friendship check in. We are also going to see his therapist in the next week or so to bounce off some of some of the boundaries we’d like to keep and those we see transitioning. A HUGE weight has been lifted and i already feel sooooooo much better! Only time will tell what our future holds, but for now, neither of us are actively pursuing another serious relationship so i feel we should be able to still spend a significant of our time with each other for at least the next few months. I worry a bit out loosing some of the non-romantic intimacy purely as i feel sex and kissing help that bond but, i don’t feel it happening suddenly or in anything but a natural progression for the both of us.

I’ve never had such an amazing break up where both party are still will omg to put in the effort to continue, build and nurture the friendship. I love him so much and i think I’m already strutting to love myself a little more

I’ve been actively seeking help for my depression and will be meeting with someone tues regarding an intensive outpatient program. It’s time to work on me and it’s amazing to know my bestie is still here for me!!
 
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Sounds like things worked out quite well, yay! Suddenly losing that valuable friendship would have been painful; now you know that that doesn't have to happen. Congrats! and keep us updated on your situation if you're willing.
 
Thanks, everyone!

Sounds like things worked out quite well, yay! Suddenly losing that valuable friendship would have been painful; now you know that that doesn't have to happen. Congrats! and keep us updated on your situation if you're willing.

I suspect I’ll still chime in here every now and again. Who knows what my future will hold. My bestie and i could be eventually progress to FWB or even more someday - i haven’t written Poly off completely. It’s just not a good fit for me now.

Thanks to those who chimes in with thoughts, recommends and support!!
 
Glad the break up part went well and you both chose to carry the friendship part on.

I hope you are able to get help with the depression part.

GL!
Galagirl
 
I realize this is an old topic, but I am very sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult situation. It is essential to put your well-being first. In a conversation with your partner, it may be worthwhile to express your feelings honestly and openly, emphasizing that your decision is based on your own mental health issues, not on any shortcomings on his part. You can let him know that you still value and value his friendship and would like to maintain that bond. Giving yourself time and space to heal and adjust to the new dynamic is essential.
 
I realize this is an old topic, but I am very sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult situation. It is essential to put your well-being first. In a conversation with your partner, it may be worthwhile to express your feelings honestly and openly, emphasizing that your decision is based on your own mental health issues, not on any shortcomings on his part. You can let him know that you still value and value his friendship and would like to maintain that bond. Giving yourself time and space to heal and adjust to the new dynamic is essential.
You can call a crisis hotline maine so they can give you those much-needed words of encouragement. I wish you the strength and clarity to have this conversation and move on.
 
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