helocrwman
New member
I just found this website last night. I never thought I would get the courage to actually post anything.
I guess I will go ahead and give the back story about what’s been going on in my life. I’m pretty new to the idea of a polyamorous marriage. I myself don’t feel like I need anyone besides my wife. We have been married for just over 6 years and have two kids together. I am very busy at work all day and at times don’t get to see my kids or my wife for months at a time.
Earlier this year, I learned that my wife had been talking to and engaging in sexual conversations with multiple men. At that time, we weren’t even talking about poly at all, so I got cheated on. I know poly isn’t supposed to be used to save or fix a marriage, but I looked into it and we talked about having an open marriage.
At first, my wife said absolutely not. She said at the time that she could never see herself being physical with anyone else. With much more discussion, we came up with some rules that I think are a different form of poly. Since she was needing more conversation than I could give her, because of work, we agreed she could talk to anyone she wanted and it could get as sexual as she wanted, minus full nudity, because I felt like that would lead to physicality. She said the physical aspect was fine in our relationship.
The other rules were: whenever I was around and in the same room, she couldn’t be openly having conversations with any of her partners. After getting cheated on, the trust I had for her was essentially gone. So I thought these rules would help build trust, because I could always ask to see what was being sent. I know it seems like I wanted to keep tabs on what was being said (which would be invasive), but initially I was trying to build trust so that in the future I wouldn’t have to check because I'd fully trust her.
After 3 months of being away for work, I came back and she finally got the courage to open up about how she was talking to one person. She said they'd been talking for a month, and it had gotten sexual, but she had been following the rules. I tried to believe her, but in the back of my mind I needed to check. She said they solely use Snapchat to talk, even though they had each other's phone numbers. She said he only had Snapchat, didn’t have any other social media like Facebook or Instagram.
One of our rules was that I could initially check to try and build trust, but with Snapchat I couldn’t look at anything being sent. That caused an argument. When I basically gave her an ultimatum, saying she needed to have all of their conversations on text, she pushed back with a “compromise,” saying she would start saving their messages to show me. After some reluctance, I said okay.
That was the first rule that was broken. Another rule she broke was that she was messaging him when I was sitting right next to her. When I asked her, she lied and said she wasn’t messaging him. That obviously led to another argument. But ultimately she is working on getting better about that.
She has said that at times she feels like we are just coparents and she relates more to him on an emotional level. I thought at first it was only because I was gone so long at times for work, but now I’ve learned that even when I’m home, she still doesn’t feel an emotional connection. We’ve discussed which one we thought was more important, emotional or physical connection. She said they are on the same level for her. I told her that for me it was the emotional connection that was stronger, because over time and as you get older that physical connection will fade away and all that is left is the emotional one.
I’m just afraid that I’m her primary partner, since we are married, but if she ever got the chance to meet this person face-to-face, she wouldn’t need me, especially if they had a strong physical connection on top of their emotional one. I also feel inadequate. How did she lose this emotional connection we had in a matter of months? She said it’s been an ongoing thing for her. But she never brought it up until I found out she was cheating.
She is a stay-at-home mom right now, but is looking for a job, since our kids will be in school soon.
Overall, I feel like I’m losing what we had, and it’s becoming only physical, which I fear is not enough for either of us. She is always saying that I should try and find someone as well, but I’ve told her that’s not where my head is at.
The latest news is that she did start saving her messages, right before they get deleted.
She sent this guy money. It was only a small amount, but with me being the only one with a job I felt super betrayed by this.
I feel like it is always just one thing after another.
Should I tell her I’m not comfortable? I mean, it’s only been a month for them. Well, I can only see and trust that it’s only been a month, because of them using Snapchat.
I’m new to this. I am just wondering if our rules are too many and too stringent. Should I be more open about things? I'm just a scared guy over here. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
I guess I will go ahead and give the back story about what’s been going on in my life. I’m pretty new to the idea of a polyamorous marriage. I myself don’t feel like I need anyone besides my wife. We have been married for just over 6 years and have two kids together. I am very busy at work all day and at times don’t get to see my kids or my wife for months at a time.
Earlier this year, I learned that my wife had been talking to and engaging in sexual conversations with multiple men. At that time, we weren’t even talking about poly at all, so I got cheated on. I know poly isn’t supposed to be used to save or fix a marriage, but I looked into it and we talked about having an open marriage.
At first, my wife said absolutely not. She said at the time that she could never see herself being physical with anyone else. With much more discussion, we came up with some rules that I think are a different form of poly. Since she was needing more conversation than I could give her, because of work, we agreed she could talk to anyone she wanted and it could get as sexual as she wanted, minus full nudity, because I felt like that would lead to physicality. She said the physical aspect was fine in our relationship.
The other rules were: whenever I was around and in the same room, she couldn’t be openly having conversations with any of her partners. After getting cheated on, the trust I had for her was essentially gone. So I thought these rules would help build trust, because I could always ask to see what was being sent. I know it seems like I wanted to keep tabs on what was being said (which would be invasive), but initially I was trying to build trust so that in the future I wouldn’t have to check because I'd fully trust her.
After 3 months of being away for work, I came back and she finally got the courage to open up about how she was talking to one person. She said they'd been talking for a month, and it had gotten sexual, but she had been following the rules. I tried to believe her, but in the back of my mind I needed to check. She said they solely use Snapchat to talk, even though they had each other's phone numbers. She said he only had Snapchat, didn’t have any other social media like Facebook or Instagram.
One of our rules was that I could initially check to try and build trust, but with Snapchat I couldn’t look at anything being sent. That caused an argument. When I basically gave her an ultimatum, saying she needed to have all of their conversations on text, she pushed back with a “compromise,” saying she would start saving their messages to show me. After some reluctance, I said okay.
That was the first rule that was broken. Another rule she broke was that she was messaging him when I was sitting right next to her. When I asked her, she lied and said she wasn’t messaging him. That obviously led to another argument. But ultimately she is working on getting better about that.
She has said that at times she feels like we are just coparents and she relates more to him on an emotional level. I thought at first it was only because I was gone so long at times for work, but now I’ve learned that even when I’m home, she still doesn’t feel an emotional connection. We’ve discussed which one we thought was more important, emotional or physical connection. She said they are on the same level for her. I told her that for me it was the emotional connection that was stronger, because over time and as you get older that physical connection will fade away and all that is left is the emotional one.
I’m just afraid that I’m her primary partner, since we are married, but if she ever got the chance to meet this person face-to-face, she wouldn’t need me, especially if they had a strong physical connection on top of their emotional one. I also feel inadequate. How did she lose this emotional connection we had in a matter of months? She said it’s been an ongoing thing for her. But she never brought it up until I found out she was cheating.
She is a stay-at-home mom right now, but is looking for a job, since our kids will be in school soon.
Overall, I feel like I’m losing what we had, and it’s becoming only physical, which I fear is not enough for either of us. She is always saying that I should try and find someone as well, but I’ve told her that’s not where my head is at.
The latest news is that she did start saving her messages, right before they get deleted.
She sent this guy money. It was only a small amount, but with me being the only one with a job I felt super betrayed by this.
I feel like it is always just one thing after another.
Should I tell her I’m not comfortable? I mean, it’s only been a month for them. Well, I can only see and trust that it’s only been a month, because of them using Snapchat.
I’m new to this. I am just wondering if our rules are too many and too stringent. Should I be more open about things? I'm just a scared guy over here. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
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