Help pls. My bf wants to be poly and I dont

Sungoesdown123

New member
Hi, I am here because I would like to hear your thoughts.

My bf and I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years. Before we became official, we had already discussed this. He was clear that he wants a polyamorous relationship, maybe not now but in the future. I also told him that it's not my thing, now and likely even in the future. We still proceeded w our relationship and agreed that "we'll just see how far this will take us".

Our relationship has been mostly really positive but far from being perfect. He's always asked me to try swinging at least, and after countless badgering (and a ton of tears), I gave in. To my surprise, I enjoyed the experience. I felt to empowered. Until a few months later, I discovered that he was actually cheating on me with the woman we had threesome with. It broke me. But we were able to patch things up and move on. Until he asked me to have a threesome again, and with the same girl. I was so naive and I gave in. This time, it didnt enjoy it again. The horors of the past haunted me like crazy.

It's been so difficult. I have already decided many times that we should just break up, and thats the best. But he wont leave. He still tries and hopes that one day I will learn to accept it. He has hurt me so much, and continue to do so.... In so many ways...

At this point, I think I've already given it a chance to best of my ability, but it's really not going to work. I understand him but it's just not what I want for myself.

We've been living together for 4 years, he is 28 and I am 35.

I dont know what to do anymore. It's be3n affecting me for years and I really just want to be left alone. How do I make him understand?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you are struggling.

Sounds like you want to be done and told him so. You could stop caring about making him understand that you are done with this. Reaching understanding is his job. Not yours.

Could now care more about what you need for your own well being -- which is to be alone. That part is your job. So could focus more on that step.

You could move out. Or if you own the home, you could formally request that he move out. He misses deadline? Arrange to pack his things up and put on curb. Whether he moves out or you have to put his stuff on the curb? Either way... Change all the locks.

Hopefully you do not also have to take out an injunction. But if you are basically done? Be done.

Before we became official, we had already discussed this. He was clear that he wants a polyamorous relationship, maybe not now but in the future. I also told him that it's not my thing, now and likely even in the future. We still proceeded w our relationship and agreed that "we'll just see how far this will take us".

In future if this kind of things come up again? Honor your own preferences. Could say "no, thanks" from the start.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
Are you the landlord? Or does he just live there at your invitation without any kind of formal rental agreement? He's not a tenant but an occupant?

Hopefully you can give him oral notice and he has the sense to just make arrangements to move out.

And then you don't have to file according to the rules where you live for formal eviction. But if you gotta go down that path, you gotta. So maybe before you tell him verbally, you look up the rules where you live so you can be prepared for what you have to file/do at the courthouse for an eviction case.

Are you concerned about safety? Like for yourself or your property if you tell him to move out?

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Sungoesdown123,

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have had this disagreement from the very beginning. You decided to put it on the back burner, but now it has returned to haunt you. He cheated on you, and that has ruined any chance that you would ever enjoy poly, a threesome, or swing.

You seem to be torn on whether to leave him -- as he refuses to leave, and just keeps on trying, hoping that you will eventually accept poly. He wants it so much, and it is hurting you so much!

You need to explain to him that poly is hurting you, and that he is hurting you. And maybe at this point you just want to be left alone. Are you sure you feel that way? If you are, can you explain to him? Maybe he just doesn't know that you want to break up with him.

You might have to use harsh language with him. Sort of like you would have to do with an animal you were returning to the wild. Tell him you want to break up with him. Tell him you don't want to be with him anymore. Tell him to take his stuff and leave! Tell him you've had enough of him, that you want him to go away! Tell him to get out of here! Now!

I know it hurts, but breaking up with him might be the thing that hurts less in the long run. If the two of you stay together, you will probably keep hurting each other. Sometimes love isn't enough.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 

Sungoesdown123

New member
I'm sorry you are struggling.

Sounds like you want to be done and told him so. You could stop caring about making him understand that you are done with this. Reaching understanding is his job. Not yours.

Could now care more about what you need for your own well being -- which is to be alone. That part is your job. So could focus more on that step.

You could move out. Or if you own the home, you could formally request that he move out. He misses deadline? Arrange to pack his things up and put on curb. Whether he moves out or you have to put his stuff on the curb? Either way... Change all the locks.

Hopefully you do not also have to take out an injunction. But if you are basically done? Be done.



In future if this kind of things come up again? Honor your own preferences. Could say "no, thanks" from the start.

Galagirl
Thank you for the reply.

I am the one renting our apartment. He doesnt share w bills and rent, but that has been our agreement since he moved in. I have asked him many times to leave, but he just wont go. I understand that his situation is a bit difficult thats why I have not been pushy abt that, but there have been instances where he would act like he's packing his things but will eventually not leave. I am actually still hoping that theres some decency left w him and he'll just leave on his own decision.

The problem is, while he's here, we kind of still act like we're together, though with a bit of awkwardness already. We had already agreed (again!) that he's moving out soon and we're breaking up, but he still talks about his needs to be with other women, and even said that he really wants to have sex with them without condoms. That was my last straw. The next time he brought it up again, I just said "we already talked about this, we already have an agreement".

I feel guilty about just forcing him to leave or set out a deadline. If I do that, he'll be angry and depressed and that affects me a lot cos we spend so much time together since we both work from home since the pandemic started.

I've become depressed and anxious too. It's been really crazy. I feel traumatized tbh. I want to show him how much I try to understand and accept him, but nothing will ever be good enough for him. He doesnt respect boundaries and everything has to be done his way. All my tries have been so difficult but I endured everything all by myself, without support from my family and friends because I could never talk about this with them.

And now I'm ready to reclaim my life back and move forward. He has the freedom that he wants but it seems to me that he wants me to be a prisoner of his life goals.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Have you got any friends that can come visit you on moving day? YOUR friends, not his?

Or family.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am the one renting our apartment.

How long til the lease is up? Because if soon? Maybe you just don't renew it and just get gone. You move to a new flat on your own. And him lingering around can be someone else's problem. Not yours.

Otherwise go ahead and pay the "break the lease early" fee and get to a new flat. If you can afford it? I'd go this route. Just get done faster. I think it is better to linger in the healing place than in the "dragging out a break up" place.

The problem is, while he's here, we kind of still act like we're together, though with a bit of awkwardness already.

Is this a 1 bedroom flat? If so? All the more reason for you to get out for YOUR well being. Esp if this has been traumatizing. You pay the bills.
He can take the couch til he gets his own flat. Exes do not share a bed. And you are exes. You broke up with him.

We had already agreed (again!) that he's moving out soon and we're breaking up,

Correction. You are not "breaking up." You ARE broken up. Be done with him. While nice when break ups can be mutual? No agreement is required. One person just has to decide that they don't want to do this any more. That person in this case is you.

he still talks about his needs to be with other women, and even said that he really wants to have sex with them without condoms.

And you could say "Not my biz. We are broken up. Do what you want in your dating. Just don't bring them here to my house."

I feel guilty about just forcing him to leave or set out a deadline.

You want to be alone and do not want to live with your ex.

What are you feeling guilty about? That he has to deal with his life himself? Anyway he agreed to "move out soon" by whatever date it was. It's not a surprise nor out of the sky. And if he's past deadline? That's him taking advantage / you not holding him accountable.

If I do that, he'll be angry and depressed and that affects me a lot cos we spend so much time together since we both work from home since the pandemic started.

You are affected now. I don't think you can base this on your feelings.
  • Like you feel bad not saying anything.
  • And you feel bad saying something.
Since both feel bad? Which one supports your goal of being alone? Saying something.

Could tell him it's over and you don't plan on renewing the lease. There. He's been warned. BOTH of you have to leave. Start packing your own things.

Hopefully he's decent about getting out sooner rather than later, but even if last minute? You KNOW this misery will end because you are NOT renewing a lease just to "carry" him and his bills and endure more upset from living with him.

If he procrastinates packing his things? Not your prob. You have arranged your new flat and move. If you have a friend willing to store things for you? Or can afford a short term storage unit? Start moving things out now. Esp anything valuable/important.

I've become depressed and anxious too. It's been really crazy. I feel traumatized tbh. I want to show him how much I try to understand and accept him, but nothing will ever be good enough for him. He doesnt respect boundaries and everything has to be done his way. All my tries have been so difficult but I endured everything all by myself, without support from my family and friends because I could never talk about this with them.

Maybe while you ride out the lease clock you seek some counseling? I honestly think you are being "too nice."

Since you see nothing is ever good enough? Could stop trying. You are broken up. You don't have to try any more.

Could work on disentangling yourself from him instead. And healing from the trauma.

And now I'm ready to reclaim my life back and move forward. He has the freedom that he wants but it seems to me that he wants me to be a prisoner of his life goals.

He can want things. Doesn't mean YOU have to go along with it.

You could make your OWN life plan and get out of this situation. If you want to reclaim your life and move forward? You can do so without him. You want to be alone. So arrange your life to make it so.

Galagirl
 
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Ryston

New member
Thank you for the reply.

I am the one renting our apartment. He doesnt share w bills and rent, but that has been our agreement since he moved in. I have asked him many times to leave, but he just wont go. I understand that his situation is a bit difficult thats why I have not been pushy abt that, but there have been instances where he would act like he's packing his things but will eventually not leave. I am actually still hoping that theres some decency left w him and he'll just leave on his own decision.

The problem is, while he's here, we kind of still act like we're together, though with a bit of awkwardness already. We had already agreed (again!) that he's moving out soon and we're breaking up, but he still talks about his needs to be with other women, and even said that he really wants to have sex with them without condoms. That was my last straw. The next time he brought it up again, I just said "we already talked about this, we already have an agreement".

I feel guilty about just forcing him to leave or set out a deadline. If I do that, he'll be angry and depressed and that affects me a lot cos we spend so much time together since we both work from home since the pandemic started.

I've become depressed and anxious too. It's been really crazy. I feel traumatized tbh. I want to show him how much I try to understand and accept him, but nothing will ever be good enough for him. He doesnt respect boundaries and everything has to be done his way. All my tries have been so difficult but I endured everything all by myself, without support from my family and friends because I could never talk about this with them.

And now I'm ready to reclaim my life back and move forward. He has the freedom that he wants but it seems to me that he wants me to be a prisoner of his life goals.
Hello Sungoesdown123. Hows it going now?
 
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