Help with nesting partners and sexual control

T

transboyband

New member
So i'm dating/fwbs with a lovely lady, Lacey (fake name cuz im paranoid) and she has a wife and dates. Me and Lacey had been wanting to try a strap, which we had to find cuz it was lost. We were planning for me to use it on her, but then she spoke with her wife "to make sure everything was ok," and wife wants to be the first one to use it on her. Apparently this has been a boundary they had, that wife gets to veto over her ass?? I'm aware that wife has had a difficult complicated past, but does that mean that wife gets a say over who Lacey can fuck when Lacey wants to fuck? Am i being a clown???

So i guess my question is: is that a reasonable boundary in poly? And am i a jerk for questioning it?
[Edit] thank you everyone for yall's perspective! it def helped make me feel less unbalanced by the situation! Happily, Lacey and her wife talked about it and decided to break the boundary, tho im not sure if its just for me or in general, and im not sure if that even matters. Im very grateful to everyone for providing a safe space to talk about these things, and being so welcoming!! 😊
 
Last edited:
You're not a jerk if you decide you don't want a partner who will allow that kind of control over their sex life with other people. Many people would do the same.

People can have whatever rules or boundaries they want. They do have some obligation to disclose them as soon as possible so other people can make decisions in a timely fashion. Not everything can be thought of in advance and communicated upfront though. Sometimes things crop up as you go along. Even years in.
 
Sounds like growing pains. Lacey shouldn't have given wife that kind of power over Lacey's other relationships/sexual encounters.

Ultimately, your issue here is with Lacey because as the hinge, she's got to manage the information sharing. Lacey is currently scapegoating her wife for a decision that is ultimately hers.
 
It's a sign that the person you are dating has no autonomy to choose what she wants to do with her body and with whom. Her wife has final say, which means she can veto anything, including your entire relationship. Most poly people would not date this person. It turns you into an accessory instead of a person, an accessory they can throw away at any time.
 
I am not clear on what you mean. Would you please be willing to clarify?

Me and Lacey had been wanting to try a strap, which we had to find cuz it was lost
Click to expand...
Lost WHERE, inside Lacey's home? Was it a strap-on toy that Lacey and her wife bought to use together, and now Lacey wanted to use it with you instead?

Wife wants to be the first one to use it on her.
Click to expand...

So Lacey went to check in with her wife to see if it was ok to use it with you instead, while you waited in the bedroom, and Wife wasn't up for that? Well, if Wife bought it for just them originally, I could see her wanting to get to use it first. She bought it. If they bought it together and co-own it, Wife gets a voice in how it gets used then, too.

It's not Lacey's toy that only Lacey bought so Lacey gets to decide how it is used.

Really, it would have been better for Lacey to clear all up that BEFORE you came over for a sex date, exercising better hinge skills.

Is there some reason you and Lacey can't get your own toys? Maybe make a date of it and go to the adult shop and get whatever strap on you want to use? Or have fun ordering online and awaiting its arrival? Share anal sex (of whatever kind) in the meanwhile with either condoms or gloves on?

Apparently this has been a boundary they had, that wife gets to veto over her ass?
Click to expand...

I could see Wife wanting to leave their toys for just them, especially if Wife bought them or helped buy them. But Wife doesn't get to control Lacey's body. Lacey is in charge of her body. Wife is in charge of Wife's body. You are in charge of yours.

If Lacey gave Wife some kind of kink or power exchange or made a private shared agreement, WHY was Lacey wanting to renegotiate that right then, rather than before you came over? Lacey can change her mind about things, including any agreements she no longer wants to do. But doing it right THEN, when you are there and about to share sex is poor hinging.

This is where you get to ask Lacey to clarify if you don't know yourself.
  • Is this about you using their personal toy they didn't even get to use yet? Wife wants to use it with Lacey first since that's why they bought it?
  • Is this about Lacey giving Wife veto power over what Lacey does with her body?

One way might be reasonable. The other might not.

This is also where you get to ask Lacey not to do awkward stuff like this again.
  • Lacey could sort out all her domestic issues with wife BEFORE you arrive for a sex date.
  • Lacey could organize all the toys, condoms, lube, etc., ahead of time.
Lacey could step it up on her hinge skills and stop being so sloppy.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Yeah, I don't think a nesting partner saying "no" to sharing her new sex toys with a metamour counts as "overly controlling." Buy your own sex toys.
 
My partner told me she wanted me to make sure I use condoms over any insertables I might use with other lovers. She's pretty asexual though. We have a strap-on we bought together years ago. It only got used twice in five years. Therefore I don't think it's a big deal to use it with my other partner without a condom, and wash it thoroughly afterwards. The chance she'll use it on me or vice versa is slim to none, after all.

However, if this is the other couple's toy, which they'd planned to use together, but hadn't, this should be discussed between them. Maybe Lacey's wife is not that into sex, if she bought a strap-on, never used it, and then even lost it. It sounds like it's more of a possessiveness or control issue that hasn't been examined. Just the same, if she feels like it's hers, it's no big deal to go and buy one of your own. I don't think it automatically means she's making decisions over how Lacey makes her own sexual choices.
 
transboyband said:
So i'm dating/fwbs with a lovely lady, Lacey (fake name cuz im paranoid) and she has a wife and dates. Me and Lacey had been wanting to try a strap, which we had to find cuz it was lost. We were planning for me to use it on her, but then she spoke with her wife "to make sure everything was ok," and wife wants to be the first one to use it on her. Apparently this has been a boundary they had, that wife gets to veto over her ass?? I'm aware that wife has had a difficult complicated past, but does that mean that wife gets a say over who Lacey can fuck when Lacey wants to fuck? Am i being a clown???

So i guess my question is: is that a reasonable boundary in poly? And am i a jerk for questioning it?
Click to expand...
It's a boundary a lot of formerly monogamous couples will have and will have to drop with some pain once they find it creates friction, including not being fair to new partners.

You're not a jerk. But given the number of question marks, you are... very angry? You might want to calm down and discuss this in a more structured manner with your partner.
 
Hello Toby,

That sounds like an unfair boundary that Lacey's wife has. You can't stop wife from having it, but you can ask Lacey to not honor it. Then the ball is in Lacey's court. Remember you can have boundaries too, such as, "I will not be involved with someone who honors unfair boundaries." As Lacey's friend and lover, you have rights.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top