Hi!
I am a 36 years old man who gave a go to polyamory and got into serious trouble...
My wife (34) and I have been together for 10 years. Our relationship has not been easy but we have remained committed to each other. We have done the work and we are willing to do so, even though our relationship is not very fulfilling. I have learned to be satisfied with it, which has been quite a process, as our intimacy is very limited, close to existent.
My wife wanted us to open our relationship. I was not keen. I want to start a family and I was afraid that it would take us apart. I told her that I would fall in love and do something stupid... to no avail. She had to insist for years for me to finally give up when she told me that she had never been that depressed in her life because she had a big crush on someone and could not stand not being able to act on it... All I wanted was her to be happy so I told her to go for it. They had a relationship for a few months which eventually fell apart as it was not satisfying for her lover.
6 months ago, I started dating a woman (38). We have been spending a night together every fortnight and meeting for lunch every now and then and our relationship has been very lovely. Since the beginning, it was very clear that we were doing polyamory with a primary/secondary relationship model. My wife and I have worked out agreements that I have presented to her. My lover has tried to be friendly to my wife but with no success, as my wife was not interested at all. So there has been no communication between them. I have been trying to do my best but some of the agreements have been broken by my lover and I, and I could not help a few lies, not many but of certain importance... for which I am very sorry and I have asked forgiveness.
A couple of weeks ago, my lover told me that she is pregnant and is keeping the child. I remained calm, thinking that we would make this work and it will be beautiful.
When I went home, I told my wife straight away and she totally freaked out. She says that she cannot trust us anymore and she wants me to break up with my pregnant lover. She do not want to compromise in any way. My lover is willing to discuss and find a compromise to make this situation work, she is okay to remain the secondary partner and do not want to take me away from my wife, but she wants to be involved in the decision making process, from which she has always been excluded: my wife and I discuss, agree on something, and present her with what we have decided.
My wife is willing to allow me family time with this person and our child as long as we are not lovers anymore, but instead just friends and parents of the same child, but my lover cannot give up out intimacy. She has been in a 10 years long marriage with a man who would not touch her, and she knows how bad it affects her.
I have considered leaving my wife to start a new journey with my lover, but I am now sure that I do not want to leave my wife. What I want the most is to have a family with my wife. I am willing to give up the intimacy between my lover and I, hoping we can still keep loving each other, but I am unsure of the reality of this... Anyway, my lover can not accept this.
I am also extremely worried about the well being of my lover and our child, as she lives on her own in the bush in a gutted caravan with her cats and dogs, with very limited power, water and comfort. It is very rough. She is very capable but she has no savings...
Last week I organized a counseling session with a professional, during which my wife blew off at my lover and said a whole lot of horrible things... It did not go well.
So here I am in this very intricate situation, not knowing what to do, and I am afraid that whatever I do I will regret it for the rest of my life.
All suggestions welcome!!!
I am a 36 years old man who gave a go to polyamory and got into serious trouble...
My wife (34) and I have been together for 10 years. Our relationship has not been easy but we have remained committed to each other. We have done the work and we are willing to do so, even though our relationship is not very fulfilling. I have learned to be satisfied with it, which has been quite a process, as our intimacy is very limited, close to existent.
My wife wanted us to open our relationship. I was not keen. I want to start a family and I was afraid that it would take us apart. I told her that I would fall in love and do something stupid... to no avail. She had to insist for years for me to finally give up when she told me that she had never been that depressed in her life because she had a big crush on someone and could not stand not being able to act on it... All I wanted was her to be happy so I told her to go for it. They had a relationship for a few months which eventually fell apart as it was not satisfying for her lover.
6 months ago, I started dating a woman (38). We have been spending a night together every fortnight and meeting for lunch every now and then and our relationship has been very lovely. Since the beginning, it was very clear that we were doing polyamory with a primary/secondary relationship model. My wife and I have worked out agreements that I have presented to her. My lover has tried to be friendly to my wife but with no success, as my wife was not interested at all. So there has been no communication between them. I have been trying to do my best but some of the agreements have been broken by my lover and I, and I could not help a few lies, not many but of certain importance... for which I am very sorry and I have asked forgiveness.
A couple of weeks ago, my lover told me that she is pregnant and is keeping the child. I remained calm, thinking that we would make this work and it will be beautiful.
When I went home, I told my wife straight away and she totally freaked out. She says that she cannot trust us anymore and she wants me to break up with my pregnant lover. She do not want to compromise in any way. My lover is willing to discuss and find a compromise to make this situation work, she is okay to remain the secondary partner and do not want to take me away from my wife, but she wants to be involved in the decision making process, from which she has always been excluded: my wife and I discuss, agree on something, and present her with what we have decided.
My wife is willing to allow me family time with this person and our child as long as we are not lovers anymore, but instead just friends and parents of the same child, but my lover cannot give up out intimacy. She has been in a 10 years long marriage with a man who would not touch her, and she knows how bad it affects her.
I have considered leaving my wife to start a new journey with my lover, but I am now sure that I do not want to leave my wife. What I want the most is to have a family with my wife. I am willing to give up the intimacy between my lover and I, hoping we can still keep loving each other, but I am unsure of the reality of this... Anyway, my lover can not accept this.
I am also extremely worried about the well being of my lover and our child, as she lives on her own in the bush in a gutted caravan with her cats and dogs, with very limited power, water and comfort. It is very rough. She is very capable but she has no savings...
Last week I organized a counseling session with a professional, during which my wife blew off at my lover and said a whole lot of horrible things... It did not go well.
So here I am in this very intricate situation, not knowing what to do, and I am afraid that whatever I do I will regret it for the rest of my life.
All suggestions welcome!!!