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mr_d_mccoy

New member
Hello, I'm from Manchester, England. I'm a M28 in a sort of complicated relationship with F27. We were together for 5 years, 3 kids and then split and she got into a new relationship soon after (which didnt last long) but now we are working on fixing us again... I think. She did cheat at the start but over the past few years discovered she's a poly and even though she never did anything again, she is wanting to explore it now and have a mono-poly relationship. It took a long time to come to terms with it but I had accept it before we had broke up, since then i have listened about her sex life with her now ex bf M36 and others so listening about it has become somewhat easier over the past several months. I want to make things work with her but I wouldn' even know what ground rules to out in place, whats not enough and whats too much. She says she still loves me and I am enough for her but she doesnt want to fight the urges anymore to be who she feels she is. Guess this post is about me but also to ask for advice?
 
Greetings mr_d_mccoy,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Generally speaking, it is better to have less rules than it is to have more rules. Basically, if there's something you can tolerate, refrain from making any rules about it. If there's something you absolutely can't stand, approach your partner and ask if there's a rule she could agree to that would mitigate the difficulty for you. Once a rule has been established, talk about it periodically and be open to the possibility that it will become unnecessary, or that it will need revision. A rule in poly is not a permanent thing.

Meanwhile, keep us posted on this forum, and let us know of particular questions you have as they come up for you. We'll know more of what to advise as we hear more about your situation. Glad you could join us!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
The most common understanding with poly people in general is to be scrupulous about using condoms every single time. You've already had 3 kids in less than 5 years, it seems. Plus, you don't want anyone to catch a STD.

Are you presently living separately? How is there time for anyone to date new partners when there are 3 kids ages 5 and under in the house? Does she expect you to be with the babies while she's out dating others?
 
Are you sure you're mono yourself? Does being poly yourself (having more than one relationship) hold any interest for you?
 
Magdlyn said:
The most common understanding with poly people in general is to be scrupulous about using condoms every single time. You've already had 3 kids in less than 5 years, it seems. Plus, you don't want anyone to catch a STD.

Are you presently living separately? How is there time for anyone to date new partners when there are 3 kids ages 5 and under in the house? Does she expect you to be with the babies while she's out dating others?
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Yes, we are currently living separately, about 8 miles apart but still see eachother nearly everyday. We haven't worked out the bugs yet and she's on the fence about being back into a relationship with me right now as things didn't on the best of terms last year (we were meant to be getting married next month) but they have been getting better recently, slowly but surely I feel. She is currently also seeing another man who she is also on the fence with but she hasn't discussed poly stuff with him yet as he is fairly new and she's a bit worried to open up to him about it because of shit her recent ex put her through. I want to work things with her because my feelings haven't changed about her, I also have no desire to be with anyone else and the thought of me seeing other people doesn't sit right with me. I'm not sure she's up for discussing much right now until she's fully made up her mind but she also doesn't want to lose what we have now or put a future with me off the table.
 
mr_d_mccoy said:
I have listened [to her talk] about her sex life with her now ex bf M36 and others. So listening about it has become somewhat easier over the past several months.
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You enjoy hearing the nitty gritty details of what she does sexually with other men? There is really no reason to sit and listen to your partner talk about their sex with others. In fact, many people consider this too much information (TMI). It also violates the privacy of her other partners. Maybe you never thought about that. Maybe it's OK with the other guys if she shares details? Maybe you actually get aroused and enjoy hearing the details now?

Many, if not most, poly people do NOT tell each partner about what goes on sexually in their other relationships. I hear that you feel you are just in general getting used to knowing she is having sex with others, so you think that's progress. But most poly people just assume their partners are having sex with their other partner(s), and leave it at that. You don't need to know the actual activities, positions, toys, etc. that were used.
mr_d_mccoy said:
I want to make things work with her but I wouldn't even know what ground rules to out in place, what's not enough and what's too much. She says she still loves me and I am enough for her, but she doesn't want to fight the urges anymore to be who she feels she is.
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I'd say the first thing to do is think of your children. What is their schedule? Do you share custody each week? If you are with the kids 4 days a week, then she could have them 3 days a week, and then you'd both have the freedom to either date, or see friends, or do self care, etc. Is there money in the budget for a sitter, or do you have grandparents nearby who care for the babies as you two work and play?

Kids' needs always come first. Many poly people stop practicing poly, or at least trying to date new people, when they have a kid or kids who are very young, say, infant to about age 4.
 
Magdlyn said:
You enjoy hearing the nitty gritty details of what she does sexually with other men? There is really no reason to sit and listen to your partner talk about their sex with others. In fact, many people consider this too much information (TMI). It also violates the privacy of her other partners. Maybe you never thought about that. Maybe it's OK with the other guys if she shares details? Maybe you actually get aroused and enjoy hearing the details now?

Many, if not most, poly people do NOT tell each partner about what goes on sexually in their other relationships. I hear that you feel you are just in general getting used to knowing she is having sex with others, so you think that's progress. But most poly people just assume their partners are having sex with their other partner(s), and leave it at that. You don't need to know the actual activities, positions, toys, etc. that were used.

I'd say the first thing to do is think of your children. What is their schedule? Do you share custody each week? If you are with the kids 4 days a week, then she could have them 3 days a week, and then you'd both have the freedom to either date, or see friends, or do self care, etc. Is there money in the budget for a sitter, or do you have grandparents nearby who care for the babies as you two work and play?

Kids' needs always come first. Many poly people stop practicing poly, or at least trying to date new people, when they have a kid or kids who are very young, say, infant to about age 4.
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I'll be honest, I never wanted to hear her sex life from other people and I have told her before to stop a few times but she says because we were always there for each other and it was just us for so long that she just tells me cause she's so used to telling me what's happening in her life and she doesn't have anyone to talk about things to. But now when she doesn't tell me, I think she's trying to hide something and I don't know what to do. It's catch 22.
Right now, she'll go on dates while her mum has the kids as I've had to live with family who don't have room to let my kids stay so until I get a house sorted, I don't have overnights unless I stay at hers.
When we are together and she's thinking about us, it's great! We talk, we cuddle, we just gel so easily and it's not forced. But when she's confused about what she wants, she's distant, won't let me touch her sometimes and always goes on about how she doesn't want to have sex with me until she's made up her mind even though it's never something I suggest or even think about. I want to make things work with her and I think she does but because it ended so badly last year, she says she's aware of my red flags and she needs time to think of if she can come back into this again which I understand and have told her I am willing to wait, I have no interest in anyone else anyway so it's not like I've got somewhere else to go aha.
But if we're are to make things work as a mono-poly relationship, I want to be prepared of what I'm going to be going through I guess.
 
Yeah, that is pretty complicated. I'd suggest you read the book Opening Up. It covers all the open relationship/poly bases and might help you a lot. Your gf/ex/whatever she is should read it too, but that's up to her, of course.
 
Welcome.

I'm sorry you struggle right now.

I mean all this kindly, ok? I think you could slow down. Jumping ahead to new things when still not done processing the divorce? That doesn't sound great.

You two have small kids. What is healthiest for THEM? Depending on the ages... do they need family therapy to cope with the divorce?

Is there some reason "making things work" can't be developing into a healthy exes who share custody of the kids and make a healthy divorced, coparenting family?

And you do NOT get back together romantically. She poly dates who she wants on her side. And you date as you want on your side. And you do NOT date each other.

She wants mono-poly. Why's it got to be with you? She could go do mono-poly with someone else who wants that.

If you want mono-poly... why's it got to be with her? You could go do mono-poly with someone else who wants that.

What makes each other the BEST partners for this model?

I'm not sure she's up for discussing much right now until she's fully made up her mind but she also doesn't want to lose what we have now or put a future with me off the table.
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I could be wrong. Kinda sounds she wants to explore poly dating but have you around for the back up plan if it doesn't pan out. Is that happening here?

All your posts are about her and what she wants or not. Like you are waiting for her to make all the decisions. And you will bend your life around it.

Where are YOU in this picture? You don't make decisions?

I'll be honest, I never wanted to hear her sex life from other people and I have told her before to stop a few times but she says because we were always there for each other and it was just us for so long that she just tells me cause she's so used to telling me what's happening in her life and she doesn't have anyone to talk about things to.
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So? Why does the past excuse today's bad manners?

Old habit doesn't mean she gets ignore your personal boundary TODAY and steam roll right over you and overshare sex details you don't want to hear just because she's not bothered making other friends and you are handy.

The personal boundaries here seem sloppy. That's going to be a BIG problem if you actually try to get back together to do mono-poly that you don't sound esp eager to do. It's a problem NOW.

I could be wrong, but you kinda sound like "I desperately want her back, so I'll do and put up with whatever." Is that true?

This trying to get together romantically again... but not sure. Like she's not sure for real. Or "not sure" because it's a handy way to keep you on the string. And you just sorting of waiting on the edges... It is not really great sounding foundations into mono-poly to me. Polyamory has a way of shining a light on all the cracks that were already there.

In the long run... is getting back together for mono-poly actually healthy?

Or is this part of bargaining stage of grief? Like not at final acceptance you two broke up, and still trying to make it go ANYWAY?

Are you wanting to get back together just because it is familiar? And life on your own post divorce is uncertain? Maybe kinda scary?

I don't know if this helps you any.

www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
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I want to make things work with her and I think she does but because it ended so badly last year, she says she's aware of my red flags and she needs time to think of if she can come back into this again which I understand and have told her I am willing to wait, I have no interest in anyone else anyway so it's not like I've got somewhere else to go aha.
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You sound hung up on her still. And she doesn't always respect your personal boundaries/red flags. And like you have a hard time telling her no. And will KEEP ON let things slide when she steps on your toes.

Is that true?

But now when she doesn't tell me, I think she's trying to hide something and I don't know what to do. It's catch 22.
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You mentioned that she cheated in the past. I did not read what work was done to heal that. What is going to stop her from cheating on her mono-poly agreements?

You could make a firm decisions that NO, no getting back together like that. And work instead toward being peaceful exes and coparents.

And this area of her life is just not your business.

And this area of your life is just not her business.

And if she tries to overshare you say "No, thank you. This is NOT appropriate to share." And if she keeps going you politely leave the room.

It's ok not to want to date anyone else right now. But who says you have to to date anybody at all? You don't have to date her either. If it hurt a lot to break up and you aren't over it? It's ok to take a longer period of time to grieve that, and REALLY heal from the divorce.

What work have you done on that? Could you join a divorce support group? See a counselor?

I think you could do that work FIRST. And not skip over it to jump ahead to doing mono-poly.

Moving out of the parents' house and getting a flat or house for you and the kids when you have them? That's a reaosnable next step goal.

Jumping into mono-poly with her at this time when you aren't well and have weak personal boundaries? Not a great idea.

Sometimes people get divorced and then get back together. But this fast? With no real time or space apart?

There's been no time for real growth or changes.

It's more like "Broke up, but not really left emotionally yet."

Dragging things out.

But if we're are to make things work as a mono-poly relationship, I want to be prepared of what I'm going to be going through I guess.
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Is she doing the same amount of poly prep work? Or just winging it?

Cuz she's dating some dude and hasn't even told him that she wants poly because what? She's afraid he'd go "Ok, thanks for telling me. I don't want that, so pass."

Are you prepared for poly hell?

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
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Are you prepared for more of this hot/cold kinda thing? Where she one day she cuddles you and the other day she pushes you away?

Is this actually FUN for you?

Like if YOU wanted mono-poly.... why does it have to be with her?

You can't do it with someone else who wants that who DOES respect you "no" and personal boundaries and doesn't come with all these issues?

Or are you only thinking of doing it to get to hang on to her?

And why not poly on both sides IF you were to do much later down? Even if you don't want to date other people or use the option? You'd have the option there and it would be YOUR choice. That's different than not having the option at all.

You don't have to answer anything here. But could reflect on why you are even considering mono-poly at this time and if it is actually a healthy choice right now.

And def slow you roll and make no promises about actually doing anything right now.

You can read about polyamory. But agreeing to read and learn is NOT agreeing to DO. You can still say "I learned about it. I contemplated it. I decided it is not for me."

Maybe part of your learning is watching how she poly dates others safely from the side. And if she's a mess with it? You are safely out of it and can go "Whew! Glad I wasn't mixed up in all that!" to yourself.

I strongly suggest you think about divorce counseling. You sound in deep grief to me, and that is not a time to make big decisions. Go very slow. You have your well being to think about and the well being of the kids.
 
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