Hi...HELP

OMGWTFDo_i_do

New member
I'm not sure how I feel about all this. I have so many questions and am so overwhelmed right now. I just want to say hi. From Maryland. My wife and I have talked a bit about this and she seems open to it but I don't think she realizes how deeply I feel about being polyamorous. I love her 9000 and am afraid to try and find a second partner because of our own insecurities. We've been married for almost 11 years and I still love her as much as day 1, but I would be very open to having a fully acknowledged secondary relationship and don't know what to do. Just thinking about it is giving me anxiety because even though I have felt this way for decades, this is the first time I'm working to acknowledge it....and the fear and excitement are making me feel a little queasy. I'm hoping that by being a part of this community I can gain more knowledge and also have other people to talk to who might be feeling the same way....
 

TXretired

Member
Welcome. Talk openly with your wife. There are a number of books out there that both of you can read. It is important to be very open to your wife’s input. This venue would be a great place for both of you to read and post. Separately of course.
 

OMGWTFDo_i_do

New member
Welcome. Talk openly with your wife. There are a number of books out there that both of you can read. It is important to be very open to your wife’s input. This venue would be a great place for both of you to read and post. Separately of course.
Thanks. We have been talking about it more. My library has the book "the ethical slut", is that any good? I reserved it anyways.
 

icesong

Moderator
Thanks. We have been talking about it more. My library has the book "the ethical slut", is that any good? I reserved it anyways.
It's not bad though a little dated, especially the older editions (current is 3rd edition.) Totally was the first book on poly I and many others read too!

Others you might consider getting ahold of are:
  • Opening Up - this one's more about all flavors of non-mono relationships rather than specifically poly, but is oriented towards previously-mono couples for discussion
  • More Than Two - this one is a bit problematic as _one_ of the authors was abusive to several of his partners including the co-author BUT still has a lot of useful info to think about, if you _do_ read it do a little Googling and you'll find some followup essays that are important context
  • Polysecure - this one is new and based on attachment theory and I *really* enjoyed it
  • Off the Relationship Escalator - this one doesn't get a lot of press, and I don't know why... it's focused more on solo polyamory and relationship anarchy but being able to think about the possible shapes of a relationship and what you truly want to share with any given person/people is a very useful skill for newly poly - otherwise it's very easy to fall into dating polyamorously just like you were dating monogamously which doesn't always work well.
 

3908

Member

OMGWTFDo_i_do,​


welcome to the forum.
Im sortof in a similar situation to you. ive been on this forum for maybe 2 months, and desire poly and my wife doesnt. i would like a Secondary, ive learned alot on this site reading all the posts and advise. i was first interested in poly 20 years ago, but called it swinging, not knowing about poly.
it was basically a desire for kitchen table poly, where my first wife and my best friend and myself and his wife were to be poly.
it never materialized, and i just put it on the shelf, a few desires with multiple woman after divorce, never did it. finally this year, i realized what i wanted. I love my wife 100% and we've been married almost 10 years. ours is a "Christian" marriage which makes this process really hard to have my wife open up to it. she refuses and says NEVER EVER when we talk about it. In my self discovery i realized that i would have to be open to her having a secondary as well, but she wants nothing to do with that, even says I'm selfish, don't see the logic in that if I'm offering to be ok with her having a boyfriend.

I think the best secondary for me would be another married woman because they already have a marriage to work with and should be more stable than a single woman. as i think some single women would be ok with being a secondary, but once they get a boyfriend, i suspect i would get pushed to the side, i dont think that would happen with a married woman.

maybe something I've shared has helped you in some way. i encourage you to keep hanging out on the forum and share when you can.

take care
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings OMGWTFDo_i_do,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

What strikes me, above all the other aspects of your situation so far, is the importance of taking it slow. I know, you have wanted poly for a long time, you probably don't want to wait any longer. I think you should at least wait long enough for some of that anxiety to ease down, dating outside of your marriage should at least be a pleasant venture for you. So rather than rushing into that part of the process, spend some time studying the various threads on these boards, and post any questions you have along the way. Read Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino. Spend some time on the learning process. You will know when it is time to start poly dating: Your fears will be eased, and your anxiety will go away. Good luck and I'm glad you could join us!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

OMGWTFDo_i_do

New member
Thanks you for all the advice and support. I believe like Kevin T, taking it slow is key. There is someone who has confessed an attraction to me and I talked to my wife about this. My wife brought up me getting a "hall pass" a few years ago because even though we are 100% in love, we have a fairly non existent love life. I myself am very sexual and resorted to making solo vids on p-hub. It didn't really give me the satisfaction I wanted since what I seek isn't purely sexual either. I told my wife a "hall pass" feels like cheating and it's way too much effort to look for someone to make an emotionless sexual moment. I read about secondary relationships and it really did seems like in a perfect world it would work, but, again, in a perfect world. My wife and I spoke a bit more again today and since she is Bi I let her know I would be open to her being in a relationship with a women, for self fulfillment, not for my pleasure since that's not what I'm looking for either, unless we both found someone willing to be in a polyamorous relationship to the benefit of all 3. The woman who I talked to recently has known me for years and says she's scared about polyamorous relationships due to her upbringing. There's no real solution in sight but it really helps to get these thoughts out for people to read and see. I believe I will be taking time to lurk around and see what other people have done too.
 
Thanks you for all the advice and support. I believe like Kevin T, taking it slow is key. There is someone who has confessed an attraction to me and I talked to my wife about this. My wife brought up me getting a "hall pass" a few years ago because even though we are 100% in love, we have a fairly non existent love life. I myself am very sexual and resorted to making solo vids on p-hub. It didn't really give me the satisfaction I wanted since what I seek isn't purely sexual either. I told my wife a "hall pass" feels like cheating and it's way too much effort to look for someone to make an emotionless sexual moment. I read about secondary relationships and it really did seems like in a perfect world it would work, but, again, in a perfect world. My wife and I spoke a bit more again today and since she is Bi I let her know I would be open to her being in a relationship with a women, for self fulfillment, not for my pleasure since that's not what I'm looking for either, unless we both found someone willing to be in a polyamorous relationship to the benefit of all 3. The woman who I talked to recently has known me for years and says she's scared about polyamorous relationships due to her upbringing. There's no real solution in sight but it really helps to get these thoughts out for people to read and see. I believe I will be taking time to lurk around and see what other people have done too.
Your wife, if so inclined to seek another relationship, mighf choose another man. Just because she's Bi doesn't mean she should have her only option be another woman, right?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi OMGWTFDo_i_do,

It sounds like you (and your wife) are gradually figuring out what (the two of) you want, and what works for you. NSA ONS type encounters are definitely not the way for you to go, you have true polyamory (with its emotional involvement) in your heart. Don't give up on the woman who (when you talked to her recently) confessed an attraction to you. She's scared of poly, but with growing exposure to the topic, she may start to feel a little more comfortable about it. She no doubt has some mononormative programming to overcome; these things can't always happen overnight. You'll get there, just learn as much as you can, start at the shallow end of the pool, and take one small step at a time. Good luck!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

OMGWTFDo_i_do

New member
Your wife, if so inclined to seek another relationship, mighf choose another man. Just because she's Bi doesn't mean she should have her only option be another woman, right?
It's definitely not the only option, but she's repulsed my the idea of being with other men, or at least she says, but it stems from the unfortunate experiences she had before meeting me, while the women she's interested in provide her more with a desire than men do. Part of me thinks that may be part of why our sex life is practically non existent.
 

OMGWTFDo_i_do

New member
Hi OMGWTFDo_i_do,

It sounds like you (and your wife) are gradually figuring out what (the two of) you want, and what works for you. NSA ONS type encounters are definitely not the way for you to go, you have true polyamory (with its emotional involvement) in your heart. Don't give up on the woman who (when you talked to her recently) confessed an attraction to you. She's scared of poly, but with growing exposure to the topic, she may start to feel a little more comfortable about it. She no doubt has some mononormative programming to overcome; these things can't always happen overnight. You'll get there, just learn as much as you can, start at the shallow end of the pool, and take one small step at a time. Good luck!

Regards,
Kevin T.
Thanks for the advice. Definitely start at the shallow end plus wearing water wings.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
It's definitely not the only option, but she's repulsed my the idea of being with other men, or at least she says, but it stems from the unfortunate experiences she had before meeting me, while the women she's interested in provide her more with a desire than men do. Part of me thinks that may be part of why our sex life is practically non existent.
Oh! So she was perhaps molested or something worse at the hands of men. But somehow she trusted you, and maybe married you because you didn't pressure her for sex. But maybe she's more gay than straight, and only married a man, you, because that is what her culture expected her to do.

And now, after time has gone by, you realize you really do need a woman who enjoys sex/romantic connection with men, ie., you

Could this be part of what is going on?
 

OMGWTFDo_i_do

New member
Oh! So she was perhaps molested or something worse at the hands of men. But somehow she trusted you, and maybe married you because you didn't pressure her for sex. But maybe she's more gay than straight, and only married a man, you, because that is what her culture expected her to do.

And now, after time has gone by, you realize you really do need a woman who enjoys sex/romantic connection with men, ie., you

Could this be part of what is going on?
I mean, that's definitely some of what went on. She definitely had sexual trauma as a child and definitely is Bi but prefers women. I'm her second marriage after her 1st husband with whom she had 2 kids, cheated on her a LOT. They were married for 4 years. We've been married for almost 11 and have had way more good than bad times, but I tend to not be insistent on sex, especially due to her past, but we end up having sex once or twice a year, and while she enjoys it, it ends up catching me off guard when she does and the lack of sex makes her feel sad because she insists that I'm "hot" haha. Hence why she told me to look for someone to have sex with randomly. I don't want just some rando sex though. So I've been talking with her about the fact that I honestly feel like I can give my 100% to more than one person, but like the admin said....start at the shallow end. I just hope that in my 40s it's not too late.
 

Evie

Moderator
Definitely not too late.
 

icesong

Moderator
I just hope that in my 40s it's not too late.
There are SO many people that don't discover / explore polyamory until their 40's or later - whether it's because their kids moved out and they had a chance to breathe, or because they (unfortunately) hit a point of leaving a long-term spouse and are figuring out what they actually want in life or... the reasons are numerous, but not the point. :)
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
There are SO many people that don't discover / explore polyamory until their 40's or later - whether it's because their kids moved out and they had a chance to breathe, or because they (unfortunately) hit a point of leaving a long-term spouse and are figuring out what they actually want in life or... the reasons are numerous, but not the point. :)
Yep. I split from a marriage of 30 years at age 52. I met him at age 19. I was bi or pansexual, and I knew I was poly, but didn't have the word for it until 1999, when Ethical Slut came out. It took me a few more years, after reading that, and doing therapy, but I freed myself in 2008.
 

OMGWTFDo_i_do

New member
There are SO many people that don't discover / explore polyamory until their 40's or later - whether it's because their kids moved out and they had a chance to breathe, or because they (unfortunately) hit a point of leaving a long-term spouse and are figuring out what they actually want in life or... the reasons are numerous, but not the point. :)
Our kids definitely finished high school, one is autistic and moved back with his biological dad because he wanted to explore a different state. The older son has schizophrenia and it has been a challenge to have a life outside of making sure he's ok. I'm not sure he will ever move out and that also has stagnated any sense of us ever truly having freedom, as terrible as it makes me say that.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I don't think it's terrible to say that, we are all imperfect human beings, and you carry a heavy burden with a generous heart. To say that your sense of ever truly having freedom is stagnated, is simply stating the fact. I hope you'll find the additional love that you are looking for.
 
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