Hi, I'm poly... something and have questions

[teamgrey]

I've sort of always known I wasn't monogamous. In many ways it just doesn't make sense to me. I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful husband. For a while, we were long distance and I had a sexual partner on the side. That was all it was. It seemed simple enough: I was emotionally monogamous, but physically still had needs. Well now we live together. He met a woman a couple of weeks ago and I think I could really fall for her. What I feel for her and want from her is much more than just sex. For whatever reason these feelings really freak me out. My husband thinks I'm being silly and worrying about only possibilities. He told me tonight that I could ask her out on a date if I wanted to. I know she likes me, but I don't know how serious of a relationship she is really wanting. On top of all of this, my husband is military and one of my husband's good friends no longer wants to be associated with us because she doesn't want people thinking her and her husband are swingers with us since that is frowned upon in the military. In fact, it is technically illegal for my husband to have sex with anyone but me.

So I guess what I am curious to know is how do y'all deal with judgments and such? I'm a very open person and so keeping this a secret and sneaking around is simply not my style.

Also, is somewhat freaking out normal?? I would love to talk to someone who actually understands where I am coming from. I do have friends who accept me for me, but they are monogamous and just don't get it.

Thanks!

 

[Magdlyn]

I've sort of always known I wasn't monogamous. In many ways it just doesn't make sense to me. I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful husband. For a while, we were long distance and I had a sexual partner on the side. That was all it was. It seemed simple enough: I was emotionally monogamous, but physically still had needs.

Polysexual, not polyamorous.

Well now we live together. He met a woman a couple of weeks ago and I think I could really fall for her.

Is he dating her already? Or it's just a new platonic friend of his? So, you're bisexual and biamorous, you think?

What I feel for her and want from her is much more than just sex. For whatever reason these feelings really freak me out. My husband thinks I'm being silly and worrying about only possibilities.

You're not being "silly." I hate when people mock others' feelings. It's a change for you, to have love type feelings for more than one.

He told me tonight that I could ask her out on a date if I wanted to.

Well, he isn't your dad. You aren't a minor. He doesn't get to tell you what to do. But he "consents" to you beginning a new relationship. Good.

I know she likes me, but I don't know how serious of a relationship she is really wanting.

You'll find out after a few dates! Meanwhile, you need to decide how serious of a relationship YOU want. And you don't say, but you're sure this new prospect likes girls? And you do too? Have you had relationships with women before?

On top of all of this, my husband is military and one of my husband's good friends no longer wants to be associated with us because she doesn't want people thinking her and her husband are swingers with us since that is frowned upon in the military. In fact, it is technically illegal for my husband to have sex with anyone but me.

Oh, so you are both swingers, as well as interested in polyamory?

And you need to keep this all very secret since it is actually illegal to have sex with others when married? Maybe you should get divorced, stay together, and keep swinging and dating polyamorously. Would that be legal? Or do you need to be married to cohabit at all?

So I guess what I am curious to know is how do y'all deal with judgments and such? I'm a very open person and so keeping this a secret and sneaking around is simply not my style.

Also, is somewhat freaking out normal?? I would love to talk to someone who actually understands where I am coming from. I do have friends who accept me for me, but they are monogamous and just don't get it.

Thanks!

Dealing with judgments is one thing. Knowing it is illegal to have other sex partners while married would scare me. He might be discharged if word got out? No wonder your friend dumped you. That's not mere judgment, she doesn't want to lose her job (or have her husband lose his).

 

[GreenAcres]

Getting a divorce is, I would guess, not am option. If they aren't married, she didn't get moved when be gets reassigned, loses all healthcare and spousal benefits, death benefits, communication privileges when he's deployed, etc. While I generally can see people divorcing in many circumstances on poly, the military is one I can completely understand the consequences being too difficult to practically, manage.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I think you could be confusing what feels urgent (crush feelings) with what is important (job security for the family + not sneaking any more.)

It's fun to have a new crush and all, but will pursuing it cause problems for you or for your husband because he is military? If caught... Does that mean confinement? Dishonorable discharge? Loss of retirement pay?

I think you guys could sort that out before you poly-date the crush woman. Become more ABLE to date her in the way you want (without fear, worry, or sneaking) first. Maybe that means no poly-dating til you guys change jobs/retire from military and re-establish elsewhere.

If she's worth dating, she's worth dating WELL. Not dating wonky in a way that could harm you. If something went wrong, would you have the funds to live on until you find new job/home in savings?

I don't blame the friend who is distancing herself so she doesn't get in trouble herself. She may not be able to afford losing her job. Her doing that could give you a heads up that you both could reflect on this decision a little more.

Dealing with judgements is one thing. Dealing with job loss and loss of retirement income is another.

This crush is also challenging you emotionally. Your previous entanglement sounded polysexual. Here you are considering sharing love AND sharing sex. Not just sharing sex. It's also a same sex relationship, and I don't know if it would be your first. Then add all the military problems and job security -- and yes. "Freaking out" sounds like a normal response to this to me. Don't rush in. Deal with your worries one at a time. Do not ignore them or shove them aside to deal with "later."

I think your husband could be taking it too lightly. It's a lot of risk here to consider.

Galagirl

 

[River]

On top of all of this, my husband is military and one of my husband's good friends no longer wants to be associated with us because she doesn't want people thinking her and her husband are swingers with us since that is frowned upon in the military. In fact, it is technically illegal for my husband to have sex with anyone but me.

There's a law and a policy that needs changing. The government should stay out of our bedrooms. It's none of their business.

I think poly folks should have the same rights as everyone else does. LGBT folks stood up and achieved basic equality (well, mostly). Now it's time for poly folk to do so -- and what better place to start than this?

 

[teamgrey]

Thanks so much for your responses. Let me answer a few things.

I know she is interested in women. She has told both my husband and I that she is more interested in me than him. He isn't her type. They aren't dating but did have sex one night. I don't know if she is interested in dating though. Even if she is, I want to date her openly.

I don't know if we consider ourselves swingers. Honestly, we are pretty new to all of this. This was his first time having sex with another woman while in a relationship. I have gone to a swingers club before and really enjoyed being around such sexually open people and would like to someday go with my husband, but most likely we wouldn't have sex with anyone else, just each other. My husband especially feels like he needs to get to know someone first.

Divorce isn't an option for us since we would lose benefits. It's technically only illegal for him though. My husband doesn't really care about the military but obviously doesn't want a dishonorable discharge. I definitely think the military needs to keep out of our bedrooms. I think poly rights are next in line.

I do understand where this friend is coming from. The only hard feelings I have towards her is how she handled it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi teamgrey,

I do not blame you for freaking out a little. This is a new experience for you. As for dealing with judgments and such, I'm afraid my "solution" will be different than yours as I don't tell most people I am poly.

Is your husband okay with just you being poly?
With regards,
Kevin T.

 

[drgnfly]

I was labeled by some of my co workers as a swinger at one point, just because of an off joke while our crew was out drinking one night. I was honestly insulted, I did not really live that lifestyle, didn't even know what poly was. However, crew changes, and roomers start and dye. It is long forgotten at my job by this point.
For myself, i was insulted at the time, but oddly enough, of the two girls that was pushing that roomer about me, one became a long term FWB, The other one tried to make out with me in front of her BF. A friend of theirs became a love, worth while despite how thing's end sometimes.
I'm just trying to relate to not worry about how thing's are portrayed about you at times. If this person is really a good friend, it wont matter what is said, they will be there.
However, Legally there could be issues, The military has rules in place for a reason. If Your husband was to ever go for a divorce, it would be bad for you. Also remember they say swinging began in the militarily so...
In the end I've learned that discretion is the key to such thing's. I find that it is best to do what feel's right.

 

[FFFamily]

Go slow and go carefully TeamGrey. Just be open to all this advice and talk, talk, talk about it with your husband each step of the way.

 

[GreenAcres]

There's a law and a policy that needs changing. The government should stay out of our bedrooms. It's none of their business.

I think poly folks should have the same rights as everyone else does. LGBT folks stood up and achieved basic equality (well, mostly). Now it's time for poly folk to do so -- and what better place to start than this?

I totally agree with the sentiment, but not everyone is in a position to be an activist, or wants to for various reasons. I am certainly more "out and proud" in both the LGBT community and multiple partnerships, but my reality doesn't include a spouse losing income and/or being unable to find good employment after a dishonorable discharge, etc. So, I can afford to be a bit of an activist for those who might not have the luxury while being understanding that everyone's circumstances are different.