His partners disgust me

C

CedarTrip

New member
At a valentine's party yesterday I finally met my partners current and previous lady partners. The intention was for us and the other couples there to all enjoy each other. I was bowled over by (I hate to say it) disgust.

Thought #1 I don't want these people touching me and I'm not touching them.
Then he and his other partner begin playing and I had thought #2 I am so grossed out that he plays/played with these people. I don't even want him touching me anymore.

Has this come up for you in the past? How did you handle this? We're you able to get past the revulsion? I hate that I'm feeling this way. I want to keep him but every thought I have of him now is linked to these other people and the negatives I feel.
 
This hasn't come up for me, but I'm very curious about your reaction. "Disgust" and "revulsion" are strong words.
 
I'm curious, too ...

Were you just grossed out in general, by the reality of him being sexual with other people?

Or was there was something about these specific people that disgusted you? :confused:
 
CedarTrip said:
Thought #1 I don't want these people touching me and I'm not touching them.
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Did this only happen on this event, or are you not comfortable touching strangers in general?
I can certainly relate to feeling disgusted by certain people wanting to touch me, or getting all stiff although I expected being touched, but I am not sure it's the same for you.

BTW I wonder why would you want to meet your metamours at a touching event for the first time?
 
I'm all up for new partners. That wasn't the issue. They were unattractive. Surprisingly unattractive. I know this sounds awfully shallow. There has to be a level of attraction to have physical play. I had met a partner of his long before we got together. She was lovely! And he's lovely! And I think I'm lovely! So I got the idea that that was his level, his attraction type so to speak. It was mine too. Walking in to find not just one or two, but the whole room were folks outside... and I mean really outside... that circle of assumption was shocking. It distorted my view of him. How can I be attractive if they're attractive and vice versa?
 
CedarTrip said:
How can I be attractive if they're attractive and vice versa?
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This is one of the saddest sentences I've ever read on this forum.

It's fine to find people unattractive. Happens all the time. We all have preferences. What is really going on here is not really about your boyfriend or his unattractive partners. It's an unhealthy reliance on being attractive as the basis of your self-esteem, the 'explanation' of why someone would want to be with you. If you are not attractive (because they are not so maybe you're unattractive too?) then why would someone be with you?

This is not sustainable as a basis for self-esteem, for what you can offer others as a partner. If we are lucky, we age. Our looks, our bodies change. You are tying your self-worth to something ephemeral.

Poly will bring up mental and emotional 'cracks' like little else. This situation has brought out one of yours. I hope you take the opportunity to really look at this.
 
Hi CedarTrip,

As the saying goes, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder;" that is, what seems attractive to one person may differ from what seems attractive to another person. You and your partner have some tastes that differ from each other, and some that are the same. There is nothing wrong with that.

Was it just their appearance that you found unattractive, or was something about their personalities unattractive as well?

Just wondering.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Some people care more about physical beauty than others. Some people need to find someone objectively hot to want to have sex with them - others don't. Maybe your partner bases his choices less on looks and more on personality, compatibility, sexual interests, whatever.

One of my husband's lady friends is drop dead gorgeous. The other is kind of plain, features and body wise, but she oozes this insane sexual energy that draws men like bees to honey. Attraction is a complicated thing. Thinking of it in terms of "levels" or "leagues" is pretty useless in my experience.
 
You feel what you feel.

If this is where you are at?

There has to be a level of attraction (for me to be willing) to have physical play.
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That's a fair boundary for you to have. YOU are in charge of your body and who you share it with and when.

Maybe this experience means you do the coffee date BEFORE the casual group sex date. Gives you a chance to sort out attraction/compatibility out ahead of time. Not sign up for group sex sight unseen and then show up only to be turned off by their looks.

thought #2 I am so grossed out that he plays/played with these people. I don't even want him touching me anymore.
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If the thought of him playing with people you do not find attractive dims his appeal to you? It is what it is. You could give yourself time to digest that thought.

So I got the idea that that was his level, his attraction type so to speak. It was mine too. Walking in to find not just one or two, but the whole room were folks outside... and I mean really outside... that circle of assumption was shocking. It distorted my view of him.
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You had assumed his "bandwith" of attraction was the same as yours.

I don't think it distorted your view of him. I think this experience CLARIFIED your view of him. That he's got a different bandwidth of "attractiveness" than you do. While some of his bandwidth overlaps yours? Some of it includes people you would not include in your bandwidth.

So? You are each allowed to develop your own preferences. Some people will dig redheads. Some won't. Some people will dig blonds. Some won't. Some people will dig brunettes. Some won't.

How can I be attractive if they're attractive and vice versa?
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Attractive to who?

  • To BF? He seems to be attracted to them and you both.
  • To you? You think you are only as lovely as his other partners?

Could you be willing to clarify what you mean? Do you mean you base your own attractiveness by who else he picks for lovers? And if he's picking out people you think are ugly, you start to think you are ugly too?

I hate that I'm feeling this way. I want to keep him but every thought I have of him now is linked to these other people and the negatives I feel.
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Well, you could give it some time and find ways to come to terms with it.

Like not attending these play parties with him.

Just attend the groups you do like being in. And change your practices -- like do a coffee date first before signing up.

Changing some of your sex practices with him. For example, if you are fluid bonded, maybe you prefer to bring condoms back?

If this is challenging some core beliefs you have about your own attractiveness, you could examine them to see if these core beliefs still serve you well or if they need updating.

Or you could choose to not date him anymore.

It's your call.

Galagirl
 
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Kinda shallow. I tend to be more attracted to someone's personality and/or sexuality and/or intelligence. Cat had some insecurity issues because I don't have a specific physical type.

I've met and seen pictures of some of Sprite's meta's. Not all that attractive to me physically, but I don't know them. That just goes to show that we men aren't always the shallow pigs we are often portrayed as.

Now if one of my partners was seeing someone with oozing sores covering their entire body...well I might consider that "repulsive".
 
Looks may not be what makes them attractive to him. If there's one thing I've learned over the past couple of years, it's that I have a very strong "type"—guys who are intelligent, makers, and techno-geeks. Each of my current boyfriends and my most recent exes all fit this type, but they couldn't look more dissimilar if they tried.
 
I've noticed that whenever I tell someone about a guy I find attractive, the first thing I always mention is that he's smart. There is a wide range of physical types that appeal to me, such to the extent that I don't really have a type, and I am often attracted to guys who probably wouldn't get a second glance by anyone else, but... intelligence, oh wow, that has to be there. The hottest-looking guy in the world would totally turn me off if he was dumb.
 
I had this experience although not nearly as strongly as you describe. In particular, I met one of my partner's lovers and perceived him to be, to put it kindly, an idiot, a clod, a knucklehead and I could not stand to be in the same room with him. Initially, I wondered how she could like this guy, he's such a numbskull.

But this was all my stuff. As I worked through it, things became clearer to me:

1) I'm not dating this guy, she is. I don't have to like him. I just have to treat him civilly.
2) I don't have to spend time with him. So I don't.
3) I don't have to spend time with the two of them together. I don't.

As far as affecting my view of my partner, initially, I just chose to hold my nose and ignore it and avoid it. But that's my issue, not hers. Subsequently, it became clearer that this person behaved completely differently with woman (charming, funny) than with men (idiot, lump, somewhere below Dumb & Dumber). But he's charming to her. But ultimately (as long as all was safe), who am I to judge what my partner enjoys? I put in the category of "I don't understand why you like that" rather than a character flaw on her part.
 
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I also want to point out that conventional notions of attractiveness can be kind of problematic. For some, blonde hair, blue eyes, slender nose, small mouth is presumed attractive, but these are all racially loaded characteristics, promoting "whiteness" as attractive. Well-tailored clothes, slender bodies, and straight white teeth suggest wealth.

Attractiveness is a very loaded concept. And yes, it's subjective, but you referenced it as though you expect everyone to know what you mean. So I'm curious-- what do you mean?

I'm guessing you have some anxiety about class, about your membership in that class.

If you break down where this anxiety is coming from, you may be able to loosen its grip on you.
 
I have experienced this to a lesser degree. My Dude finds "attractive" in women that I don't...it bothered me some before, less now - I think his ability to find "sexy" in women is better honed than mine. I find it easier if I don't focus on the sexual aspects and think of them more as a friend that he might do (sexual) activities with. I don't need to (or want to) know details - just that IF sexual contact occurred that our sexual health/safer sex "rules" were respected. Similarly, the boys may fantasize or engage in sex acts with others that are on my "squick" list (for instance, anal sex). None of my business.

nycindie said:
I've noticed that whenever I tell someone about a guy I find attractive, the first thing I always mention is that he's smart. There is a wide range of physical types that appeal to me, such to the extent that I don't really have a type, and I am often attracted to guys who probably wouldn't get a second glance by anyone else, but... intelligence, oh wow, that has to be there. The hottest-looking guy in the world would totally turn me off if he was dumb.
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Ah yes, "sapio-sexual" here as well! Take your ordinary, run-of-the-mill geek and get him talking about something interesting...I can be mesmerized for hours - if we share the same passions! (Want to talk about 5-HT 2a receptors? 2 hours in a bar in Tucson - "The Surly Wench". 3D printing of bio-mechanicals? 1.5 hours in an airport bar)
 
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JaneQSmythe said:
Ah yes, "sapio-sexual" here as well!
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Hmm, I don't consider myself sapiosexual because, as I understand the term, it means one is turned on by the intelligence of a person and their gender doesn't matter. Maybe I'm misinformed and have that wrong, but since I'm straight, gender does matter - so I am simply heterosexual. But me likey guys wid big brains.
 
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nycindie said:
Hmm, I don't consider myself sapiosexual because, as I understand the term, it means one is turned on by the intelligence of a person and their gender doesn't matter. Maybe I'm misinformed and have that wrong, but since I'm straight, gender does matter - so I am simply heterosexual. But me likey guys wid big brains.
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I never heard that sapiosexual went beyond gender. I think you can be straight or queer, as well as sapiosexual.
 
Magdlyn said:
I never heard that sapiosexual went beyond gender. I think you can be straight or queer, as well as sapiosexual.
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Yes, as far as I understand the term, sapiosexual is an add-on to your sexual orientation.

As for this discussion, the most unlikely people can be sexy. Who can explain Woody Allen's sex appeal??? :confused:
 
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