His partners disgust me

I don't really understand the use of sapiosexual. I mean I understand what it means - attracted to smarter people. I just don't understand why it's a thing nowadays. I mean does anyone admit anymore that they want someone dumber than them?
 
Opalescent, I'm not sapiosexual, in that I'm not attracted to "smart" as a quality, although many people that I'm attracted to are considered smart. That doesn't mean I'm attracted to people dumber than I, I just don't take special notice when someone is a smartie. I think that most of us are drawn to people to whom we relate in some fundamental ways and "smarts" is just one way to see yourself in another person.

I have no idea why or when this became a thing, tho. Like "ambivert," it's a made up categorization of dubious benefit. The term is all over OKCupid, so maybe that's where it launched into popular use. ??
 
opalescent said:
I mean does anyone admit anymore that they want someone dumber than them?
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You just reminded me of that song from the 80s by Julie Brown (it was her first single).

Song title: I Like Them Big and Stupid

When I need somethin' to help me unwind
I find a six foot baby with a one track mind
Smart guys are nowhere, they make demands
Give me a moron with talented hands
I go bar-hopping and they say last call
I start shopping for a Neanderthal

The bigger they come the harder I fall
In love 'til we're done then they're out in the hall

{Refrain}
I like 'em big and stupid
I like 'em big and real dumb
I like 'em big and stupid

What kind of guy does a lot for me
A Superman with a lobotomy
My fathers outa Harvard
My brothers outa Yale
But the guy I took home last night
Just got outa jail

The way he grabbed and threw me, ooh it really got me hot
But the way he growled and bit me, I hope he had his shots

The bigger they are the harder they'll work
I got a soft spot for a good lookin' jerk

{Refrain}

I met a guy, who drives a truck
He can't tell time but he sure can... drive
I asked his name and he had to think
Could I have found the missing link
He's so stupid you know what he said
Well I forgot what he said, 'cause it was so stupid

The bigger they come the harder I fall
In love 'til we're done then they're out in the hall

{Refrain}

I like 'em big and real dumb
I like 'em big and stupid
 
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LOLOL ... ohhh that's terrible
 
OP, I'm not sure if this will help you at all, but over the course of the past year or so I have worked through something very similar, and I am now completely not bothered by it.

If you're curious to read my blog post in which I describe the epiphany that cracked me open to getting past it, I'll link it here.
 
There was an obscure New Wave group called Human Sexual Response... they had a song similar to yours, Cindie.

My boy Alfredo's got brains like potatoes
But his body is the genius of love
When he comes to my house
He asks me no questions
He knows just where to place his affections
He turns my life into a raging fire
Nothing on this earth can get me higher
Than Alfredo, Alfredo
I said Alfredo, Alfredo

It was a catchy little tune.

That said, I am sapiosexual. When I get messages on OKC, if the guy has nothing to say to me in their first message other than, "You're beautiful. How YOU doin'?" I am immediately going to delete them. I need someone with something interesting and rather deep to say, or there is no spark. What do we share intellectually, even sensually, and experience-wise? That is what I need to know to want to talk and get to that first date.

On the rare occasion I do respond to a "Yr beautiful, u don't look no 60," type of guy, it's always so boring as he searches for something to say, to form a connection that will lead to sex. It's like they think, "I am Man, you are Woman, let's fuck," is all it takes.
 
Magdlyn said:
There was an obscure New Wave group called Human Sexual Response... they had a song similar to yours, Cindie.

My boy Alfredo's got brains like potatoes
But his body is the genius of love
When he comes to my house
He asks me no questions
He knows just where to place his affections
He turns my life into a raging fire
Nothing on this earth can get me higher
Than Alfredo, Alfredo
I said Alfredo, Alfredo

It was a catchy little tune.

That said, I am sapiosexual. When I get messages on OKC, if the guy has nothing to say to me in their first message other than, "You're beautiful. How YOU doin'?" I am immediately going to delete them. I need someone with something interesting and rather deep to say, or there is no spark. What do we share intellectually, even sensually, and experience-wise? That is what I need to know to want to talk and get to that first date.

On the rare occasion I do respond to a "Yr beautiful, u don't look no 60," type of guy, it's always so boring as he searches for something to say, to form a connection that will lead to sex. It's like they think, "I am Man, you are Woman, let's fuck," is all it takes.
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See I can respond to, "You're beautiful. How YOU doin'?" because you're was used correctly and there was even a show reference that I like to use in there but no...what I got on OKC was, "Hi ur HOTTT" or the guy who tried to convince me he was a doctor and his idea of kink was "doin it somwhere u might get caught" or the young, rather Pokemon-esque, baby faced boy who simply said, "PICK ME."

*sigh*

Though I did find the Analyst on there, and I think Fire and Hefe still have their profiles up, so it's not all losers, you just have to wade through SO many of them...

As to the OP, I'd like to say "how awful of you." But I have to cop to a vague similarity in one sense at least. I had a male friend who would notice women in public constantly, and knowing I'm bi, he'd constantly point out to me what he liked about them. This one had a nice ass. That one had nice tatas. The other one looked like a "hot Mommy next door type" (??) I eventually got REALLY annoyed because his taste was just SO boring.

"Oh, my goodness, she is just so average. Mm. Average. Yum. Fertile, symmetrical female suburban mediocrity really gets me excited, you know?"

No.

Now if I met one of those girls next door and they turned out to have a cool personality, then fine, I could get into that. But I don't follow the "Look, she's a GIRL! She has GIRL PARTS!" logic at all. Maybe because I'm not a guy? It got so I didn't even want to be friends with him anymore.

Attractiveness is so subjective...
 
I wonder if your disgust was rooted in being expected to have sex with them despite not being attracted. That would certainly turn me off!

That said, I detect some judgment in your description of them. I mean, it's ok to have a type. My partner and I will never have a threesome together, because we're attracted to completely different types and bodies. That's ok - we don't put pressure on each other that way.

Oh, and attractiveness is very, very subjective.
 
Could always be worse. They could be reasonably attractive but also look uncannily like his mother with a very similar style of using money to show affection and curry favor.

There are sooooooo many more awkward circumstances than simply not finding that person attractive. Sooo many.
 
OP should have asked for pictures.
 
CedarTrip said:
Walking in to find not just one or two, but the whole room were folks outside... and I mean really outside... that circle of assumption was shocking. It distorted my view of him. How can I be attractive if they're attractive and vice versa?
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This statement says a lot about his character and it says (to me) that he is not shallow and that he could be attracted to personality more than anything and that is a good man in my eyes.

Don't worry about his relationships with others and just focus on what you two share together.
 
CedarTrip said:
At a valentine's party yesterday I finally met my partners current and previous lady partners. The intention was for us and the other couples there to all enjoy each other. I was bowled over by (I hate to say it) disgust. ... I hate that I'm feeling this way. I want to keep him but every thought I have of him now is linked to these other people and the negatives I feel.
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Well, I know some folks have had a strong reaction to your statements, but I think its great that you recognized these feelings and are trying to understand them even if you feel it's hard to admit to them. But my experience from counseling is that if you aren't interested in something or someone, then you don't tend to feel *disgust*. The strong feeling of *disgust* usually means there is something underneath - some strong conflicted feelings.

In other words, the most homophobic people are usually having the strong disgust reaction because they don't want to admit to some of their own homosexual feelings. People that are straight but not narrow aren't usually disgusted by homosexuals.

Without knowing all the details of what you look like or what it was about what they look like, here are some possibilities:

1. Maybe they weren't that physically attractive.. but if you feel like you've been judged all your life for how thin you are or for your makeup or clothes then you may be feeling jealous or annoyed that others can eat what they want or not use makeup or not wear expensive clothes. Maybe you feel you have to pay attention to all of that to be 'good looking' So there might be some resentment underneath...especially if your boyfriend doesn't seem to be noticing the difference.

2. Maybe they had a lot of tatoos or piercings or something like that... again maybe you have felt you couldn't do that and again maybe there is some resentment that you have to live to a certain standard to be likeable, but they aren't doing that... and your boyfriend doesn't seem to notice or care, so you resent him too because of that...

3. Or maybe its how they live - maybe drugs or other things that you see as a disorderly life? Maybe again you feel resentful that you haven't done those things in order to 'be good' or 'be likeable'. Maybe part of you wishes you could do that and could break out of your orderly life? And part of you resents your boyfriend for not noticing the sacrifices you've make to be 'good'?

But not sure based on your message. But I'm sorry others are coming down on you hard. I think its big of you to admit to these feelings and try to figure them out. Everyone has feelings at times they aren't proud of, so I hope the other posts on here don't make you judge yourself and repress your feelings. Instead I hope you can feel those feelings but then explore them and try to understand them. Good luck on our journey.
 
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Wow! So much over thinking in this thread. Everyone has a concept of beauty, physical attraction.

The OP is angelina jolie, her guy is brad pitt, she met his other partners expecting the same. instead she saw rosanne bar or perhaps toothless, unwashed homeless people.

I'm not saying rosanne or the homeless are bad people, just that they don't meet the OP's expectations of beauty. I think it's perfectly OK for her to reevaluate her relationship based on this. Don't tell me nobody here cares where their partner places their tool?

Disclaimer: pitt and jolie were used because everyone knows who they are and women generally swoon over pitt and I had to listen to guys talk about tomb raider for years.
 
Tri46guy, I agree that "disgust" is a strong word and emotion, and people can certainly feel disgust for the reasons you site. But, there are many other reasons people can and do feel disgust that aren't that they didn't get to do/experience whatever that thing is that disgusts them.

For example, child rapists disgust me, and not because I never got to experience or commit child rape; but, because the act itself is so morally repugnant. A racist may experience disgust for a person of a different race not because that racists wishes to be a different race, but because the racist is convinced (wrongly, obviously) that the other race is morally/religiously/whatever inferior/violent/etc.

In my case, I would be repulsed and disgusted if one of my partners chose to partner with a cheater. Not because I want to cheat, but because I am so strongly opposed to lying and deception,and because it would make me question my partner's morality, as well. Or, if my partner chose an untreated drug addict, for example, because it would make me question my partner's commitment to consensual relations (it's hard for someone under such an influence to make truly independent and informed decisions), as well as make me wonder what my partner was looking for in relations that he/she would find someone in that situation appropriate and appealing. I've been repulsed by my partner's choices before: I found out he desired women who he could belittle, subjugate, control, manipulate, and debase (and not in the BDSM sense of things--I understand and enjoy BDSM). That repulsed me, both that he would do that to women (or anyone, really), and that these women allowed it to such a profound degree (seriously--the shit that was going on was appalling on every level except actual rape or pedophilia, but he was REALLY good at hiding it from everyone else in his life). There was no hidden or underlying unresolved issues for me: I find it repulsive when people treat other people that way, and I find it repugnant that a woman would allow that from a man (or, again, anyone) because she felt that, as long as it was an attractive man with a job it was totally worth it. Yes, I also felt sorry for the women, but that didn't change that I felt disgust for them, as well (they were all adults, none were mentally incapacitated or on serious drugs, etc.)

I get the general impression that the OPs reaction was based more on the physical, but it's hard to know for sure what, in particular, it was about that physical appearance that disgusted her (were they dirty? were they clearly drug users? were they from a social subset that the OP has been taught is inferior/unclean/violent/otherwise undesirable as mates? Did she feel that they were physically unattractive and that perhaps her mate was attracted to them because he felt superior?). And, without knowing what the OP was reacting to, I think it's difficult to call an underlying issue.
 
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I just found this whole notion interesting because it was one of those "wait a minute" thought processes for me.

At first I thought, "Ugh, how superficial." I recalled how I find people of so many sizes, ages, shapes, and colors to be so beautiful at the kink club I go to and I scorned the OP's viewpoint for being so judgmental.

But then...wait a minute.

I remembered this one couple in my local scene, they have been unicorn hunting (mostly unsuccessfully) for a while. The guy tried to hit on me for a while until I told him, "No. Not ever." I almost had to be mean about it. But I really find that couple, both of them, to be repugnant. They are unintelligent, never have anything of substance to say, they are drug users, live in the bad part of town, both of them are overweight and have bad teeth. I like my partners older and sophisticated and smart. These two are younger and lower class and don't come off as being very smart. Also, if a guy posts anything to the effect of "why won't any girls give me a chance? I'm a nice guy!" anywhere ever, that's a pretty sure bet that I will never, ever give them a chance and I suspect they're actually not that nice. Both of them have posted such things on fetlife before. I don't like these two, and the notion of being naked with them squicks me.

If I found out a partner of mine were getting it on with either or both of them, I would not be thrilled about it. And yeah, I'd probably be pretty judgmental about my partner's taste. It would be an issue.

I might not judge on some factors, but I've got my limits...and I think everyone does.
 
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