How did I get here & Where am I going?

ImaginaryIllusion

Administrator
Staff member
Do you hear what I hear? - Bubblegum Crisis (2 of 3)

Ok, Flashback time. This is a retrograde into things that had happened, mostly since our anniversary, which suddenly made me feel like a real ass. It’s probably going to come across as angry and hurt, and insofar as the messages I received, it’s probably rightly so. That’s doesn’t mean it’s the same as the message that was sent, or intended. This isn’t to vilify anyone, but an exercise to express the feelings that arise as a consequence of actions, and will hopefully be useful to those who wonder why their lover might be pissed off about something.



Part of our vacation this year was heading down to Polycamp NW. (Great time btw, and a well run organization down there, highly recommended) One of the things that occurred to me was the potential to meet new prospective partners. My wife kinda scoffed at this idea, and in terms of my luck finding partners, yeah, on an unlikeliness scale from 1 to 10 it would rate as “pretty damn”. However, I had considered LDR partners in the area previously based on my travelling, although it’s been tapering off recently. Notwithstanding, I tossed around the idea of talking to my gf about it, just in case, even though being a free spirit herself, she’s never expressed a concern about her partners exploring other options. And I hadn’t been the one running out of time and energy, so if opportunity presented itself, why not? But I figured it would be respectful at least to make sure to talk to her first to make sure there wasn’t any concerns. I ultimately decided not to bother her, since she had enough on her plate with family emergencies and all, so I opted for the equally respectful course of action, intentionally not to engage with anyone and consciously close off from the possibility. (I think my wife was momentarily perturbed that I’d worry about talking to my gf ahead of time and not her, but my wife was right there with me, as was most of the rest of the tribe! So I figured communication on the subject would be easily accomplished if the need arose, so pre-discussion wasn’t needed. When partners are in other cities or time zones, then previous arrangements become more important)

So after getting back, and finding out K have been fielding other people, without bothering to talk to me about it beforehand, or at all until well after the fact, and knowing full well that it would be hurtful. The message I received: I don’t respect you enough to keep your feelings in mind while looking after my own gratification.
Result: My, don’t I feel like an ass.


Over the last several months, there have continually been reasons not to be physical with each other. The specifics aren’t important. But still I waited. I view it as an expression of love, not a requirement, so it would be asinine to insist. But it wasn’t just the sex. It was time as well. Various other activities took precedence, including social diversions, while I waited patiently, as it always sounded like a plausible reason. Yet eventually the time runs out, and it becomes apparent that she doesn’t want to make time for me, or our relationship. She found others to fill her time.

Message Received: The time you spend waiting for me isn’t worth anything. There are plenty of others around, so I don’t really need you.
Result: My, don’t I feel useless & stupid.


Along with having fun with new friends, and spending time elsewhere, she’s stated very clearly that the recent relations were something she needed at the time, and doesn’t want to have regrets about them, or be asked to. Free spirit remember. While I can empathise with that I suppose, and if those relationships filled some need, I can easily let go the idea that the encounter should be a matter for regret. But regretting the act is not the same thing as perhaps recognizing that any act can simultaneously have both positive and negative consequences.

Message Received: It’s not worth my time and energy to empathise or really consider the pain my actions have caused you, and I’ll resent being asked to be accountable for any of it, and if you ask me to, then I’ll probably just leave you...more.
Result: My, don’t I feel like a fool (for giving you the guided map & compass for exactly how to hurt me).


A few months ago I got hurt in a motorcycle accident. Nothing overly serious, but it laid me up in the emergency room for a spell, and then at home for a few weeks. It was actually a really interesting episode for me as it was the first time I could really see how a poly tribe can be advantageous. IIRC my metamours beat my parents to the hospital, and were very supportive in helping my wife and I take care of some odds and ends. That part was awesome.

What seemed a little peculiar was K’s reaction, having been very quick to call her and let her know I was ok. This was both because it would be better than finding out on FB, but also because I was aware of a previous episode in her life that I was concerned that the news might be taken badly. Apparently I was wrong. She was very cool and seemingly neutral and matter of fact about the news. There was no mention of coming to visit, either at the hospital, or afterwards when I was at home. It’s not that I wanted a big deal made out of it, I didn’t. But the reaction wasn’t what I would have expected. I ended up with more attention and concern coming from my bosses at work, and they didn’t even like me that much. Fortunately I had a lot of support between my family and the metamours on my wife’s side, so I wasn’t lacking for anything, at least for a few days. At the time, and right up until the email a week ago, I figured it might just be a defensive reaction to not want to be involved with me and my injury because the episode from her past might make that too painful for her, or something.
But then I got the email from last week where she tells me that a new friend from a social activity she’s been partaking in has gone into the hospital, and her new priority is throwing herself into helping care for him. Unlike my injury the friend’s case is similar enough to be palatable. It was also jumping into this with both feet that apparently led her to find distraction with the second of the flings.
So now I’m left wondering why a guy she has only known briefly gets so much of her attention that it exceeds her capacity to take care of herself, or her other relationships with NN and I, while my injury was treated with a casual nonchalance.

Message Received: Your health and wellness don’t matter to me, and isn’t worth the effort to divert from my regularly scheduled social activities. I’d rather voluntarily sacrifice our relationship and my own welfare in the process of helping out someone I just met at said social activity.
Result: My...don’t I feel special.


I said earlier that I couldn’t’ fault the honesty of telling me about the truth about the new guys. Our last conversation we had, I asked who the other two people were, and get an idea of what happened and when. Something has been nagging at me for a while since that though. While getting physical with the first guy didn’t happen until recently, apparently the fling started earlier... much earlier, before my accident, and before the check-in where I told her that this sort of thing would be hurtful. When I look at the timeline, (as near as I can recall anyways) it would have started before those conversations, and around the same time as the calendar details disappeared, and she started avoiding our dates and pulling away.
I don’t recall her mentioning at the time. It might be one thing when she was avoiding me entirely. But she never mentioned it during the conversation when I asked her ta’not’ta. Perhaps it seemed unimportant at the time since the fellow in question was geographically separated, so it’s not like it would have been an immediate concern. But something NN said to me recently makes me wonder if she wasn’t consciously hiding it from me. Either from fear of my reaction, avoidance of the discussion that would result, or perhaps just playing the usual script. I don’t know. But if it’s true that she was holding back, how far does the honesty really go.

Message Received: Can you really trust me as much as you have?
Result: My...just...oh...my.



I’m going to reiterate here that these are not the things she said, or the message that may have been intended. These are just the messages I seemed to receive from the actions of a lover, and the feelings that resulted, especially before real communication could take place and circumstances could be taken into account.

(To be Concluded...)
 

ImaginaryIllusion

Administrator
Staff member
Now now...I appreciate your support, but please try to be nice. She's at a disadvantage here because I can't really go into her justifications for anything without divulging details that aren't mine to give.

Pt 3 might take care of some of this as well, but I want to clarify that when she says my being upset is my problem, it's not because she doesn't take responsibility that her actions would have hurt me, or deny that I should be upset about some things. But rather that she's too busy with her own stuff to bother worrying about whatever it is that's bothering me about it.
 

Derbylicious

New member
Now now...I appreciate your support, but please try to be nice.

Pt 3 might take care of some of this as well, but I want to clarify that when she says my being upset is my problem, it's not because she doesn't take responsibility that her actions would have hurt me, or deny that I should be upset about some things. But rather that she's too busy with her own stuff to bother worrying about whatever it is that's bothering me about it.

Kind of boils down to the same thing, doesn't it?
 

nycindie

Active member
Kind of boils down to the same thing, doesn't it?

Well, I get what she means, I think...

She's saying that she can't really help what he's feeling about it. She is responsible for her part, but has no control over his reaction or how he handles it, which is his responsibility. And that's true, but unfortunately, she apparently does not have the time nor energy to comfort or support him as he processes what's going on inside him about this.
 

ImaginaryIllusion

Administrator
Staff member
What to do now? - Bubblegum Crisis (3a of 3)

I had a lot of questions when I talked to K last, getting to the Who, What, When, Where. The Why remains, as I don’t think she’s ready to tell me, and possibly doesn’t know her own self. Some of the things I suspect may be subconsciously motivated. Whether she’s pushing her partners away because she wants to be alone, or to scream for attention, I don’t know. I don’t feel close enough to the root of things to trust the surface answers I might get. And with the current crisis ongoing, I don’t expect she is inclined to do that kind of digging right now.

Why? Why did she do it? Why did she choose to disregard my request? Why did she choose to do something that she knew would be hurtful? Why does she act as if she doesn’t want me anymore? Why go through the trouble of trying to ditch me in this manner, when she could just tell me to go away?

This of course may influence the answers to questions about me:
How do I actually feel about all this?
What did I do to cause or contribute to the situation?
Should I keep fighting for this and when should I start cutting my losses?
Where does my metamour stand in all this, and what’s the possible fallout for the primary relationship?
The big question remains: What should I do now?



I wonder if some of this could have been avoided.


One of the things K keeps talking about is this ideal relationship that we had discussed. We talked about what it would look like, and it involved things like spending time with the family as well as each other. The key point that’s come up a couple times talking to K was that she was avoiding the work that it would take to get close to the family. I’ve tried telling her a couple times that it wasn’t necessary to be best friends with my wife, or be involved with the kids for us to carry on our relationship. I’m not sure she heard me. Or the part where I didn’t we needed to worry too much about the ideal version.


I find ideals are a fine tool to figure out wants or attitudes towards certain things, to figure out what someone’s ideal of perfection would be. However since people are not perfect, I think attempts to pursue ideals suffer from the same fallibility inherent to the people who imagine them. Like a mirage in the desert, which might look good in the distance, but we’re never able to reach. But that doesn’t mean there may not be an oasis or two on the way. A place one should be content to stop and rest a while, before carrying the journey. I figure that the ideal relationship we envisioned a year ago may not be realistic, and by now it may not even be what we’d want now. And it doesn’t mean we always need to chase it...but can spend some time figuring out where we actually are, and where we can be happy to rest for a while.


I’m not sure K ever heard that part either, and the effort of chasing illusions seems overwhelmingly difficult for her. It’s not like I’d be terribly keen to trek across the dessert until my feet bled either. So it seems our paths may have diverged, or at least we’re not agreeing on which way to go. In addition, the initial problems end up being the topic of discussion whenever we talked, so is it possible that our relationship just became to arduous because we were spending all our time talking poly and our relationship, instead of just enjoying our time together? Did I stop being fun to be around because I was at home and falling into my usual routine instead of being interesting? It’d be an easy vicious little cycle to fall into if the attempts to fix the relationships became the cause of the deterioration, resulting in more attempts to fix it...etc, etc, etc. Was that why she wanted to avoid our dates and find a new diversion? Was I just weighing her down?


If this is the case, how do I convince someone with tender feet that we should continue walking over the hot sand to get to the next oasis? Especially if we’re already stranded under the scorching sun with nowhere closer to go?



What should I with the messages received. Some may be false. Some may be true, whether intentional or not. Some can be resolved eventually once there’s a chance to talk about things, and get some clarification. But there’s a couple that I’m having a hard time trying to reconcile. Things involving some basic pillars to any relationship, poly or not...trust and respect.


I could be wrong...in thinking that I’ve shown K plenty of consideration and respect in my attempts over the better part of a year of trying to keep our relationship going. I’m sure I’ve made some mistakes, and while I’ve tried to make things easier, I can’t make it effortless.

To some extent, I don’t want to. My personal philosophy is that not only that some things are worth fighting for, but also that in some cases the fight is what can make something worthwhile. The effort put forth imbues a value. I’m not talking about fighting with violence, and values in dollars here. I’m talking about the satisfaction that can be enjoyed of something which actually took some effort to earn. I don’t fear the effort that relationships require...and I think I’ve gotten less tolerate in recent years with those who aren’t willing to ante up to keep the game going...be they friends, or whatever. Am I wrong or overly selfish in not wanting to be the only one ready to take responsibility? To put in the effort? To be willing to work through things? To have the self-control to make sacrifices of my own desires to respect another?

Did I miss something? Am I suffering from the myopia of someone who feels wronged? Was I being unfair in making my requests? Was it unrealistic to expect her to honour her agreement? (These questions aren’t entirely rhetorical, so anyone who can provide some illumination is welcome to speak up).

By the same token, would my request have been necessary if our relationship had been in a better place to begin with? If we both could have been content with where we were at the moment, and been present in enjoying ourselves at the time, would there have been the need to burden our time together with heavy poly discussions which K found so wearing?


Even now, it’s not the idea of the sex that’s bothering me. As I said before, I always figured it would happen eventually, and with little warning if any. It’s not like I want to be upset about it, or wouldn’t get over it quickly. It’s the part where I asked for something and I feel let down.

When we last talked, the issue of asking her to limit such things came up, and she said something to me, about how she figured I wouldn’t want to ask for hard limits around these things because I’d know I’d lose her. At the moment, I’m wondering if that shouldn’t be the other way around...should she not also be afraid of losing me? I don’t say this to sound like an egotist, but rather that I have some self-respect, and value my own time, so should it not be spent in the company of someone who actually wants me around?
 

ImaginaryIllusion

Administrator
Staff member
What to do now? - Bubblegum Crisis (3b of 3)

It’s cliché, but true, that actions speak louder than words. While motives remain uncertain, and there may be half-decent reasons to justify certain event, there will remain some lessons from recent months that may be hard to unlearn, and that’s assuming that they even should be.


I’ve learned that regardless of what she told me or agreed to, when the chips are down my gf will do as she wants when she wants with whomever she wants. When the chips are down, I will not be the priority, or even a priority. I wouldn’t dream of getting in the way if she needs priority for herself, or her primary, or her family. But apparently I don’t show up on the radar at all unless I start forcing the issue. Her words may say she loves me, but the actions tell me that I also take back seat to social outings, new friends, and various other things, so I just really don’t know where I stand at all.

I’ve learned more about my wife...as usually happens on any day that I’ve known her. More specifically, I always knew she cares about me, and she has some pretty strong feelings about me and thoughts on how I should be treated...which is a handy perspective since I don’t seem to hold myself with half the regard she seems to give me. On some previous occasions I’ve felt caught in the middle between her and K, which has really not been the case this time. But my wife has been a great source of reassurance for me, an awesome sounding board though all of this, and I think will be invaluable as a backstop both now and in the future to remind me from time to time that I might deserve better than I give myself credit for. She rawks!

And speaking of my wife, I’ve learned I can depend on the metamours on her side of the tribe when the shit hits the fan. I’ve learned that when things are rough, they’re the kind of people I can lean on, at least a little bit, and they’ll be there. I don’t think I can actually describe how important that is to me...any such friends I used to have I left at home when I moved away for work over half a dozen years ago. Some of those friends are still there and available, have been for over 25 years in some cases, but the geography makes it difficult to ever make use of that. I’ve found precious few of that quality where I live now.

Whether it’s because she doesn’t want to because it would be hard, she’s preoccupied, or simply would be “CRUSHED UNDER THE ENORMOUS WEIGHT” of my issues, it would seem my gf is not one of those I can lean on. I’m not sure if this would be as disappointing to me until finding out that while she wasn’t willing or able to make herself available for me after my accident, she would voluntarily burn the candle at both ends for a new acquaintance. ( I know WHY this is so important to her, but it doesn’t really make the snub hurt any less)



There’s doubt in my mind, and a hole in my trust, and any sense of respect seems tattered. Where fault (by either of us) may lie in how it came about is yet to be determined, and so the whys may make the whats & hows become irrelevant. I worry about what may linger, and the next time she asks me the question “don’t you trust me?”...and I might not be able to give her the answer I want. Not if I was to be honest about it. I think this is the fallout I fear most!



I think I’ve spun this around about six ways from Sunday by now, and I’ll probably end up repeating myself, ...assuming that I haven’t already repeated repeating myself...myself.


I asked K that once she was finished with the current crisis, to come back to talk to me, and her primary as well, so that we can start figuring out what we’re going to do about all this. And maybe get to the whys. I don’t know what direction we’ll take, or if she’ll even show up looking to work on anything or just another way out. I’m not even sure which way I want things to go...or if I actually have much left to offer. (Though that would seem pretty asinine having just spent 3 posts angsting about it now eh?)
It could be that our visions of how we want poly to work in our lives is simply incompatible. I see no shame in that, so long as we can recognize it in ourselves.
I don’t know how it’ll affect her primary relationship either...but I don’t think I’m the only one feeling a little left out in the cold. It could be that she simply doesn’t have it in her to maintain a secondary like me...(whatever kind that is) in addition to her primary. In which case I risk becoming a liability to the primary relationship and I will happily bow out...a possibility, and responsibility that I’ve learned well from a good friend whom anyone around here should know well.
At the end of the day, I do know I have the need to be needed...or at least wanted. If that’s indeed missing, then there won’t be much else to worry about.


Anyone that started reading this, my final suggestion for the day is that anytime you hear or read the word “LUBE” you will answer back “LOVE IT!”. And now you’ll wake up feeling relaxed and completely refreshed in 3...2...1…<snap>.
 

marksbabygirl

New member
I'm going to send you (((HUGS))) too. I enjoy reading about you and your tribe... I don't get to hear enough from you.

I've heard it said before... never make someone a priority who treats you like an option.

Everything I read (and I know its one sided, but like you said, actions speak louder than words) tells me you're an option for her. People put energy and time into the things that are important to them. They let the things slide that are not.

I will use myself as an example. I love piano. I love playing it. I love getting lost in the music. However, despite the fact that there's a piano in my living room, I haven't played in at least 6 years. Why? Because its become less of a priority in my life. I put my energy and time into derby because it is a priority in my life.

(((HUGS))) to you.
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
So... what do you get from the relationship with K?

We don't owe our partners *anything*, ultimately, except for respect and consideration. Everything else is negotiable. But if she won't give you those two things... why persist? Hell, I wouldn't keep a *friend* who wouldn't give me those things, much less a partner.

What you described about the physical distance between you two and her taking other lovers... that's my biggest fear in my relationship with my gf right now, that that might happen. :/ I think it does represent a really problematic alignment of priorities.

But it's not nearly as significant as the accumulated weight of all the many, many other things you mentioned... all those "message received's".

"Why? Why did she do it? Why did she choose to disregard my request? Why did she choose to do something that she knew would be hurtful? Why does she act as if she doesn’t want me anymore? Why go through the trouble of trying to ditch me in this manner, when she could just tell me to go away?

This of course may influence the answers to questions about me:
How do I actually feel about all this?
What did I do to cause or contribute to the situation?
Should I keep fighting for this and when should I start cutting my losses?
Where does my metamour stand in all this, and what’s the possible fallout for the primary relationship?
The big question remains: What should I do now?"

All these questions and for what? You said it yourself, actions speak louder than words. Lots of people are too cowardly to end a relationship directly, so they sabotage it. Lots of people are too callous to treat a person how they ought to be treated. Does it really matter which is the case here?

Show yourself the respect she won't show you and end it.
 

SelfDiscovery

New member
I have to agree with everyone else here.. Let her go.

For me, it would be a matter of self respect. While some of what you're going through resonates with my particular situation, and I totally understand having patience with someone who needs time to process, what she seems to be looking for isn't processing time, but getting on with life time.

Were I you, I would do the same. Don't necessarily dump her, but get on with life. Either she'll reach a point where she wants to reconnect, or she won't. Either way, you'll respect yourself more, and that is never a bad thing.

It is my experience that respecting oneself is far more attractive than bending over backwards (or forwards, but without that stuff you sell) for someone who doesn't reciprocate.
 

ImaginaryIllusion

Administrator
Staff member
Learning to Let Go... - Bubblegum Crisis (Epilogue)

First I’d like to say thanks for everyone who offered their support or leant their views to my last set of posts, either here, or in PM, or in person. The reflections, advice, and support were invaluable to the decisions I had to make.



It’s been a couple weeks of continuously feeling torn over what happened, and then torn over what I should do. I’ve looked back on a relationship to find a long pattern of neglect that I wasn’t expecting. I’ve figured out that I’ve not yet broken my pattern of pursuing unrequited love far longer than reasonable, and that I’m apparently still tenacious in holding on when no one else is. I think tonight I’m finally in a place of resolution where I can start working on stitching things back together.


Though it was our days off, again my gf didn’t want to see me. It was another in a long line of avoidance it seemed, and I can’t say I was impressed. It wasn’t a good time, but it seems it hasn’t been a good time forever, and it never will be if I just let it alone. But then today, she texted me to say she had some time to talk today. I managed to talk to my metamour NN first though.

Initially I had hoped to get the answers or perspective that K was unable or unwilling to spend time with me to explain. And let’s face it, sometimes our lovers know us better than we know ourselves. The discussion with NN was extremely helpful, and mostly confirmed for me many of the suspicions I had, and he was able to fill in some gaps that I had previously ignored, or glossed over. I also wanted to see where he was, since his relationship is suffering under many of the same behaviours...however he’s got some advantages that I didn’t have, like daily contact to keep on top of things a bit better than I ever could. My concern was to make sure that I wasn’t looking at cutting out at the same time as her primary, that her state of mind wouldn’t be impacted badly by my departure, and whether she actually wanted me gone, or if she just didn’t know how to ask me to stay.


The next part wasn’t easy, and I didn’t want to do it, but it needed to be done. Every conversation with K was a chore for her, something that she’d try to avoid. Something which would stress her out, and in dealing with her current cluster of crises, having me around was just causing tears and heartache for both of us. Her because doing what she wanted to do would hurt me, but avoiding hurting me was too much hassle, and me because I couldn’t expect her to hold up her end of things anymore. If she was going to be true to herself, she needed to be free of the expectations that my version of poly would require of her. Our current ideas of poly were incompatible for the moment, and we were in an untenable position to try and hold onto.
I don’t like giving up. I’m a stubborn bugger, and any of the worthwhile projects that I’ve completed in my life have been through perseverance and stick-to-it-iveness. I’ve always gained more knowledge and strength by overcoming the things that were hard, than I ever did from those that were easy. But it also means that I’m not good at letting go when it’s genuinely required, and I’m very glad I had some people around to help me recognize that.



So I gave my gf what she wanted...freedom. I want to support her and help her through things, as I would any friend, but I can no longer do that under the pretext of her lover. And I’m also exhausted of being the only one trying to make this work, and tired of feeling like the bad guy because of it.


I let her go with love, and will leave the door open for a later time if our mutual needs ever again intersect. And she still loves me in some way...even though her actions scream that I have no place in her life right now. I’m a lot more comfortable knowing she has a good network of people to help her out, so my presence is superfluous. And she was able to affirm for me that we’ve both been able to learn and grow from the experience of being together, and while I’d have liked to do more for her, I’m content at that.



And then I got to swallow. Looking back, I thought it was 6 months ago that our relationship hit the skids. Perhaps as many as 9 and we didn’t actually make the 1st anniversary... but it now seems it may be that our relationship never recovered the move between coasts. That’s a long time to be ignored, put off, neglected, taken for granted, etc. All the crap that came from reading her actions was still there, and mostly confirmed in any way that mattered. And she didn’t care...not because she wouldn’t want to, but just can’t. All she could do was feel guilty if she had hurt me. That just seemed counterproductive when I was trying to help her out by removing stress, not add it. She doesn’t have time for me now, so she doesn’t have time to worry about how I felt on things. I did let her know I wasn’t upset about the sex, and the flings, mostly so my being upset couldn’t be written off as simple jealousy.


There should be no mistake. I am hurt, upset, angry, disrespected,...betrayed (a strong word, but when it comes to a breach of trust and honesty, what else is there?). Not to mention a little contemptuous for being the only one willing to put the effort into doing the things that might be difficult. Yeah, I’m pissed. For some reason I could always empathise with the Riley character on Buffy, the 5th season when he left, feeling incredibly un-needed. But this experience has really driven it home. But what purpose would it serve to lay on the hurt and guilt in return? Especially on someone I still care about, and who is ill prepared to deal with any of it, and uninterested in trying. Damage is already done, but it’s not overwhelming for me, quite survivable, and I DO have the capacity to carry & bury it. Sure, I’m tore up plenty, but so what...I’ll stay true.

When and if she decides she wants to know, and or wants to try again, when she’s ready to find out, then I’ll tell her. (Although I don’t currently have any faith that she’ll ever voluntarily reach that point)

There was still so much left unsaid, even of things that she could or should know right now. But she was spent, and I needed chicken wings. I took her to her door, said my goodbyes, and left her with NN.


The whole thing has been a learning experience, as any relationship is. I’ll itemize the specific lessons later. I think I’ve given all I can for this one, and done everything I can think of to keep things viable. All I can do is hope that it was enough that she (or those reading this nonsense) will not think any less of me for finally hitting my limits.
In the meantime, I’ll just take a bit to suck back, reload, and figure out what happens next. I’m not afraid another relationship, but I’m also not in a rush to replace anything, and I figure it prudent to take a personal inventory.

The mostly unrelated morale of this story: You can plough through anything. Roll with the blows, don’t submit, and learn everything you can to become better for each obstacle, challenge or experience. Eventually, the hard things become easy, and the impossible things just become hard.
 

TruckerPete

New member
Ah, II. You have been in my thoughts, and I'm glad it's been resolved to a point where you can do some healing.

And now it's time to get out the beer, lube and kiddie pool. ;)
 

marksbabygirl

New member
There should be no mistake. I am hurt, upset, angry, disrespected,...betrayed (a strong word, but when it comes to a breach of trust and honesty, what else is there?). Not to mention a little contemptuous for being the only one willing to put the effort into doing the things that might be difficult. Yeah, I’m pissed. For some reason I could always empathise with the Riley character on Buffy, the 5th season when he left, feeling incredibly un-needed. But this experience has really driven it home. But what purpose would it serve to lay on the hurt and guilt in return? Especially on someone I still care about, and who is ill prepared to deal with any of it, and uninterested in trying. Damage is already done, but it’s not overwhelming for me, quite survivable, and I DO have the capacity to carry & bury it. Sure, I’m tore up plenty, but so what...I’ll stay true.

When and if she decides she wants to know, and or wants to try again, when she’s ready to find out, then I’ll tell her. (Although I don’t currently have any faith that she’ll ever voluntarily reach that point)

There was still so much left unsaid, even of things that she could or should know right now. But she was spent, and I needed chicken wings. I took her to her door, said my goodbyes, and left her with NN.

This stands out for me.

I'm very rarely at a loss for words, unable to express what I want to... I'll blame it on the lack of coffee for now... :p

It takes a rare person of character to take the higher road and not get involved in an emotional mudfight.

Its unfortunate that K couldn't/wouldn't/didn't want to see what an amazing person you are.

Derby is a lucky lady :)

Its too early for beer, but not for lube ;)
 

Derbylicious

New member
There should be no mistake. I am hurt, upset, angry, disrespected,...betrayed (a strong word, but when it comes to a breach of trust and honesty, what else is there?). Not to mention a little contemptuous for being the only one willing to put the effort into doing the things that might be difficult. Yeah, I’m pissed. For some reason I could always empathise with the Riley character on Buffy, the 5th season when he left, feeling incredibly un-needed. But this experience has really driven it home. But what purpose would it serve to lay on the hurt and guilt in return? Especially on someone I still care about, and who is ill prepared to deal with any of it, and uninterested in trying. Damage is already done, but it’s not overwhelming for me, quite survivable, and I DO have the capacity to carry & bury it. Sure, I’m tore up plenty, but so what...I’ll stay true.

Please don't ever think that you aren't important. There is nothing disposable about *you*. The failings here are not yours. It's important to take care of yourself and not to let others treat you disrespectfully or callously. You have every right to be angry for the way you've been treated. You're a better person than I to not have laid all that pain brought upon you at the feet of the one who caused it (intentionally or not).

You are needed and you are loved just for who you are. There are others out there who will see that too and will treasure you.
 

geminigirl

New member
I've been reading your blog here with a considerable amount of pain and sadness for what you're going through. As a friend and someone who values your company I wanted you to know how sorry I am you're having to go through this, and how glad I am that you have such an amazing poly family to support you.

Consider this a raincheck for the big hug I'll give you next time I see you. :)
 

ImaginaryIllusion

Administrator
Staff member
Again, very much thanks to those who have offered their support in all this, on and off the forum. Hugs are always welcome. It's reassuring to know there's people that will stand by me, even when I have to do unpleasant things. Particularly after discovering how many won't.

The last day or so has become far more settled. There's a certain peace in knowing that the die is cast, and there's no longer any decision to be made.
 

River

Active member
Peace to you, Brother.
 
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