How did I get here & Where am I going?

Ariakas

Bosun
They are spending a lot of time together, and I find family events are being increasingly blended. This probably shouldn’t be a problem, but I’ve been getting increasingly sensitive about having my life planned for me, and while there’s been steps made to mitigate that issue, I often don’t feel I have the room to maneuver, the space to sort myself out. With all my wife’s extra-curricular;) activities, she keeps trying to kick me out of the house once in a while since I’m at home with the kids all the time. But it doesn’t help that my inclinations these days is to stay home in my office...which in terms of getting out of the house and time away from the kids, and mess, and other house stuff, is counterproductive.

Hmmm.. maybe there needs to be some dissecting of time. We even do this in our live in situation where each of us, gets the time we need individually or as coupling or as triads in our own way. It takes some doing and doesn't happen as often as any of us would like but thats life. Time is too short haha..

Also.. maybe your wife sees something you don't. You leaving and getting time to yourself may feel counterproductive, but maybe its what the proverbial doctor has ordered :D..

I’m trying not to be too conscious of the time she spends with her bf, and I tease her a fair amount in an attempt to make the situation light. It’s a kind of litmus test for me that I’m still cool with things. I don’t know if it’s working. I’m really trying not to run comparisons, or keep score, or dwell on the issues I have with my own relationships, or lack there-of. I’m really really hoping that most of my issues around this are a matter of classical conditioning, and societal scripts that keep kicking me in the head. Previously when she was with a gf, my own internal dialog was anywhere between content and excited. Now...I’m not getting that. And I have to keep reminding myself that my wife is not a fire hydrant, and I’m not a dog needing to mark my territory. (Not the least of which is that isn’t on either of our particular list of fetishes, so I’d probably get bludgeoned for it)

This is a tough one. My way of getting over it.. per se, was to have my own relationship with the other man. That friendship as individuals removed a lot of the potential demons.

It’s also possible that I’ve been reading too many of the tragic cases in poly! The marriage that turns into a sexless and perhaps loveless trudging through time, after a partner discovers a BBD partner and loses interest in the spouse. (In reference to the last post, in case it was missed, BBD = Bigger, Better Deal) Or our favourite late night paid programming advertisement Poly’s Go Wild! Where suddenly having the freedom to receive favourable attention, they start seeking it out to the extreme, leaving the original partners in the dust going WTF? (My wife used to restrain herself...and still does...I do recognize that this isn’t a rational line of thought, but also how often do we end up having to shrug at unexpected behavior and admit “People change?”)

Stop, thats all I got. this and other online poly worlds are cesspools of unruly influence. Poly doesn't have to be like that, there are lots of normals, lots of people, who are involved in multiple relationships, doing it well and enjoying their life.

Either way, I still get the feeling that I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

This is an interesting quote. Which shoe? your potential relationships or the end of her current one? Are you done mourning the loss of her gf? Have you come to terms with what happened? Is that a shoe that can still drop?

But all this is just standard insecurity crap isn’t it? What’s the broken part? I’ve been starting to get the sense over the last while that I’m just not relating to people properly anymore. I’m inclined to think it has something to do with work, mostly because I have no issues dealing with people there. I have some co-workers that are good friends, and I rarely get the sense when talking to people there that they don’t understand me. But it is a culture distinct and separate from the rest. So I not only have trouble getting people to understand me, but often I struggle to interact at all. Many of the social niceties or norms, I wonder sometimes if I’ve just forgotten. So often I go quiet in the middle (and sometimes beginning and end as well) just because I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or talk about. Could this be a factor in the less than stellar results I’ve seen when trying to make new friends?

Again this forum, this online poly life can hyper focus our discussions. Poly isn't the only topic.. and you have more to contribute than that. Find a hobby is cliche but it can help :).. re-find those things you enjoy that aren't poly.. :).. then you will find more people to relate to. :)
 
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Ariakas

Bosun
It follows into the rejections I seem to continue to experience. The friends I mentioned before may not have wanted to date me, but at least they still wanted to be friends. Yet then there’s the rejection suffered at the hands of a friend that I still don’t understand. A friend of almost 2 years recently decided to excise me from her life entirely, without so much as a BTW. Sparing you the boring details, I thought I was doing everything that a good friend was supposed to do, supporting them through rough times, and visiting occasionally to stay in touch. Suddenly I was apparently doing things wrong...which was entertaining since the sudden complaint was for something that they had TOLD ME to do the last time we had met. It was sudden and bewildering for me...but of course my wife saw it coming, and had a good “Told you so” moment. Despite the warning, given that I might actually be screwed up enough to consider leaning on friends for a change, instead of always propping them up, the timing of this incident stung a bit.

Its unfortunate.. but, and I have odd views of friendship since I spent so much town in a transient down, friendships come and go. I treasure them for what they were and hopefully they ended cleanly. Its unfortunate this one sounded like it ended with drama.. but it sounds like something happened and this person started looking for excuses.. Sorry to hear about your loss

Being sort of but not really on the heels of another friend of over 20 years who decided our friendship wasn’t worth the paper we clean our bottoms with; this kind of thing starts to make me wonder what I’m doing wrong? I get not being pretty enough to date, but not pretty enough to even be friends with, doesn’t make sense to me.

You are not doing anything wrong. Friendships like relationships transition. 20 years, wow.. ask yourself, would you be friends today if you just met. I know most of my oldest friends, we have outgrown each other. We are just so different. Its sad to think about it, but it was a necessary growth.

Argh... running out of time to post more. Gotta get over to the mall and then back onto the road back to red deer and then calgary for the night.. Wish I could say more..

and my offer will stand, need a break, wanna hang out with new and old friends.. come for a visit, we have butt loads of room.. (wifey and kids are welcome too for the record. Its not a limited invite haha)
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
II-I can't reply to all of this on my cell-much like Ari said. But-I borrowed someone else's laptop real quick so I could at least drop you a line.
I'm going to put the short message here-then try to fill in where I can before I have to return this.
A) I loved how sweet and considerate you were when I was over last year. It was heartbreaking for me to realize how far away I am from people I feel comfortable around.
B) I would love to talk to you more-outside of here. I will pm you my contact info if you don't have it.
C) Be patient with yourself. There's a LOT of stuff going down in the last couple months and some of your inability to "get over" it or get comfortable very well could be just the combination of twisted shit that's been happening. THAT IS OK.

I’m finding myself still trying to come to terms with the nature of my wife’s new relationship. Things with her new bf have settled out a bit in terms of the earlier concerns I had. But I’m still not really feeling better about things, and it’s starting to annoy me that I can’t seem to just “get over it!”

It's ok to not feel "over it". Don't push yourself to be "mr. perfect" If you aren't there yet-you aren't there yet and that's ok.

They are spending a lot of time together, and I find family events are being increasingly blended. This probably shouldn’t be a problem, but I’ve been getting increasingly sensitive about having my life planned for me, and while there’s been steps made to mitigate that issue, I often don’t feel I have the room to maneuver, the space to sort myself out. With all my wife’s extra-curricular;) activities, she keeps trying to kick me out of the house once in a while since I’m at home with the kids all the time. But it doesn’t help that my inclinations these days is to stay home in my office...which in terms of getting out of the house and time away from the kids, and mess, and other house stuff, is counterproductive.
As you know we all live together. Its been IMPERATIVE to be able to plan time "as a family" for Maca and I with the kids. If we didn't do that, Maca would go nuts. GG isn't his best friend, he doesn't want to spend every moment with him shared. We do special things (bdays, holidays) all together. But we make time every week for JUST Maca and I with the kids. (there is also just GG and I with kids time).
Don't feel bad if you need some time with your family that doesn't include the other guy. That's ok!

I’m trying not to be too conscious of the time she spends with her bf, and I tease her a fair amount in an attempt to make the situation light. It’s a kind of litmus test for me that I’m still cool with things.
Just be careful not to joke about what needs addressed seriously. Not only can it be confusing, but it can create hurt feelings too.




It’s also possible that I’ve been reading too many of the tragic cases in poly! The marriage that turns into a sexless and perhaps loveless trudging through time, after a partner discovers a BBD partner and loses interest in the spouse. (In reference to the last post, in case it was missed, BBD = Bigger, Better Deal) Or our favourite late night paid programming advertisement Poly’s Go Wild! Where suddenly having the freedom to receive favourable attention, they start seeking it out to the extreme, leaving the original partners in the dust going WTF? (My wife used to restrain herself...and still does...I do recognize that this isn’t a rational line of thought, but also how often do we end up having to shrug at unexpected behavior and admit “People change?”)
Definitely, I find that reading the drama and sob stories-is not healthy for my dynamic. I now limit myself to the people I consider friends :) Like you! I don't read every other story because really it just gets me to second guessing the what if's and really-who the hell knows what if really?
Probably do you good to limit some of that dramatic reading-limit yourself to some positive reading for awhile (fyi-we're doing really well so feel free to bug me for positive stories if you need them).



And of course when I dare speak about this concern to my wife, she managed to reverse the whole thing to be my own fault, because if I had half a chance to be the kid in the candy store...we both know I have an incorrigible sweet tooth.
Yeah-de ja vu. Can't say much to this one except to again be patient with yourself and remind her-you can even tell her I said this-lol-
Just because you are a candy addict, doesn't in anyway mean you aren't going to be worried about her becoming one when she eats candy. :)
And I think you are both great-so if either of you needs to vent about candy addictions-I am here and won't hold it against you. I have my vices too.

Either way, I still get the feeling that I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
God I do get that one! It's been so long since Maca put a stop to the dramafest he was dealing with. But I waited and waited, months and months for the other shoe to drop. I kept trying to stop myself. But to no avail. :( Only in the last couple of months have I started to fall into a comfortable relaxation with the fact that he really did learn some lessons and change.

So I not only have trouble getting people to understand me, but often I struggle to interact at all. Many of the social niceties or norms, I wonder sometimes if I’ve just forgotten. So often I go quiet in the middle (and sometimes beginning and end as well) just because I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or talk about. Could this be a factor in the less than stellar results I’ve seen when trying to make new friends?
It might be. I do that too. I find it helpful to just "pick up again" at whatever point you realize you stopped. Like here-I haven't talked to you in what? A year. :p But I think about you all of the time. I read the updates on fb, I click like on the pics. But I forget how to start a conversation sometimes.
Just jump in there when you realize you've gone silent and say ANYTHING.
 
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LovingRadiance

Active member
Suddenly I was apparently doing things wrong...which was entertaining since the sudden complaint was for something that they had TOLD ME to do the last time we had met. It was sudden and bewildering for me...but of course my wife saw it coming, and had a good “Told you so” moment. Despite the warning, given that I might actually be screwed up enough to consider leaning on friends for a change, instead of always propping them up, the timing of this incident stung a bit.
Women and men see the world differently. Sounds like your friend was female. If your wife saw it coming, that doesn't at all mean it was communicated appropriately to you. AND
more importantly I think
Just because she bailed on the friendship doesn't mean you did anything wrong either.
It hurts, it's frustrating, it adds to the insecurity. But fight back my friend. Because it isn't your job to read the minds of others. Not at all. If they aren't communicating their need-then it's not your fault if you fail to meet it. Period.

I get not being pretty enough to date, but not pretty enough to even be friends with, doesn’t make sense to me.
Sigh. This is so many ways of fucked up for you to think. I can't even respond right now. But being pretty doesn't matter Seriously. Maca was SO freaking insecure about me coming to stay wth you guys for ONE NIGHT. Because I talk ENDLESSLY about you. Yes-Im serious. I'm not elaborating here and I just cant comment to the pretty. Really? That's just fucked up.

But I’m sick and tired of being the proper dutiful supportive friend who puts blood sweat & tears into a friendship, just to have them bail. Any my remaining friends wonder why I’m so reluctant to lean on anything that isn’t nailed to the wall!
Nod. Wish we were closer (literal proximity) so I could smack you a few times. Not meanly-just to remind you that OTHER PEOPLE BAILING doesn't mean that you are a screw up! You need to email me so we can talk. It sounds like you need to hear what some of us women who aren't able to be near enough to pursue romance think of you.



Between friend abandonment issues, and non-dating woes, this seems to be leading down the path of what’s the fucking point. The apathy seems to be kicking in, where I wonder why have an OKC profile when so many letters are met with silence, and with the thread on the forum about the shit messages other guys send, or the winners who have contaminated my wife’s message box with their useless drivel, lies, and other crap, it’s no bloody wonder.

Deleted mine-cause it was just a disastrous drama maker.

Part of me wants to rattle the bars of the invisible cage and rage against the night. I want to fight back and find the solutions to fix whatever’s wrong...but then I find out that basically, ...
I have nothing to complain about...
When I’ve tried using others as a sounding board for any of this tripe, I’ve been basically getting a similar message coming back to me. STFU. Usually it’s accompanied by a roshambo because in the moment of trying to sort out my shit, I’ve failed to take into account someone else’s feelings on the subject.
Rail away about your frustrations. We all have them. Sounds to me like you were simply venting to the wrong people. Vent to Ari-he rocks-I spent months falling for him by instant message-because he's just so down to earth. Much like you. :p
Vent to me. I think Ari will agree I am a decent listener and I have suffered some similar frustrations. Especially the "you are the one who wanted open/poly dynamic so why are you expressing concern about someone I chose now?"


So apparently it’s time to learn that sometimes the best way to communicate, communicate, communicate is to Shut the Fuck Up!
Sometimes so. Been there too. I'm sorry you are there. But I am here and willing to listen if you decide you want someone to blah blah blah the "stfu" info to who won't repeat it around and isn't involved enough to be hurt by it.

I can’t say that time with meta’s makes me feel like a cattle getting pushed through the chutes to the slaughterhouse. That would make them feel bad, or as if I didn’t want to spent time with them at all. They’re genuinely good people, and are not responsible that I’m all fucked up. And time with them makes my wife happy...so STFU.
Naw-you say "lovely wife, I need some space for me. I know you need this right now. But JUST LIKE YOU needed space with (enter name of gf when I visited last year), I need space too. I know you love me and I hope you will understand, this isn't an "I hate him" issue, it's a "I need to be me too" issue and being me doesn't include spending all of my time with him..

I can’t talk about my irrational fears of her having a kid in the candy store phase; since it’s obviously it’s just because that’s what I would do. STFU.
"Lovely wife, I know I'm always your strong, logical, sensible man (except when I go candy store addiction). But I have irrational fears sometimes too. I need some reassurance for those and it's fucking damn hard to ask you to do that because I never want you to doubt that I'm your strong, logical and sensible man. I never want you to think I'm self serving or trying to hold you back. I love you and I want the best for you and for us. But today, today I'm terrified of you becoming a candy addict like me and I could really use a date-just you and me-and some reassurance that you are still the beautiful, rational, sensible woman I married."

More importantly, perhaps these discussions just become the catalyst by which people get fed up being around me? So if I keep talking about my insecure crap, the more likely it is that she’d just decide I was becoming more effort than I was worth.
So again...STFU.
I don't think so. I think if you consider HOW you word it-that you would find she found it endearing. She knows you have weaknesses II. She's not a stupid woman. She chose you. She loves you. It's ok to let her know you have insecurities. Just choose your words in a way that starts by letting her know-you aren't asking her to NOT do what she needs to do. You're just asking for her to listen so you can continue to depend on her as your comrade, your friend, your wife-in your time of weakness. (you can tell her I said that too if you like).

I can’t tell my remaining friends that I feel rejected or pissed off because a couple friends bailed on me. After all, THEY didn’t abandon or reject me. STFU.
Dude-just get ahold of me. Seeriously.
I can’t tell my (lady) friends how frustrating it is to have so many messages online met by silence, because they’ve had many months of messages and dates with numerous guys, but not the sufficient quality for what they want. STFU.
Ditto what I said yesterday

Can’t comment on not getting out of the house, because most of the time when I do have the chance, I stay at home anyways. STFU.
Ask her to remind you-hey honey-time to GO. When you are tempted to sit in the office. Hell-just imagine I'm in there annoying you. ;) Then run out the door.

Can’t even justify searching for a gf, since it’s not like my marriage is actually missing anything. Having a gf just to have an excuse to leave the house (see above), wouldn’t be fair to her. Admitting that I still want a gf, I’m afraid of triggering my wife’s insecurities. If I did have one, that might cause scheduling issues for her and her bf, and after the rest of this blog, what appearance would that have? The whole thing is just a giant bottomless free-refills cup of STFU!
Sigh. Yep-you have yourself in an emotional mess my friend. I have seen you work through these types of difficulties raised by others with aplomb. You aren't thinking on your best level right now. Sounds like you are overwhelmed and hurting. Need to vent some buckets. Cause this one-this one can be worked through.
 

redpepper

New member
Hey II,

Um. I don't quite know how to say this to make a point but here goes. I asked you a couple of times if we can hang out in the last monthes. I thought you weren't interested so i backed away. I enjoyed our talk at that bbq a couple of monthes ago and thought you'd make a great friend yet my reaching out was to no avail.

Okay, so, if you have aren't interested that's fine. I am saying this to possibly make a point that maybe you aren't looking in the right directions. There are lots of people around you that would spend time with you. Maybe you aren't seeing them because you are stuck on not getting what you want from the friends who aren't as interested any more. Maybe letting them go and taking a look around and reaching out or allowing things to manifest would warrent different results.

Also, spending time at home on your own is maybe what you need still. It's different when loved ones are home. Maybe what you need is for the wife to be home with you to spend quality time with just being around each other. I know that does me a world of good. It creates situations where closeness can occur and plans can be made together from knowing each others vibe in the moment. That doesn't happen in the same way when you're passing each other in the hall or texting randomly during the day.

Of course your wife might not want to do that but I bet if you left that time for her to decide what you do together and let her make the plans that come out it you might find a rejuvinated interest in being together. THerefore that energy could translate into having new energy to be out in the world.

Anyway. I'm here for you if you ever need a listening ear. You've listened to me and I've appreciated that. As a friend, I am here to do the same.
 

ImaginaryIllusion

Administrator
Staff member
Don't Interrupt!

Hey II,

Um. I don't quite know how to say this to make a point but here goes. I asked you a couple of times if we can hang out in the last monthes. I thought you weren't interested so i backed away. I enjoyed our talk at that bbq a couple of monthes ago and thought you'd make a great friend yet my reaching out was to no avail.

See....this is kinda what I don't understand. This sentiment is very similar to my former friend of 20 years....who would randomly come at me after we hadn't seen each other in a while with " I thought we agreed that if we weren't going to be friends anymore we could at least be civil to each other!"
:confused:
I don't recall the conversation she thinks we had since I just was running on the assumption that we were still friends.

So similarly here...I don't get why this is a future uncertainty...after all RP, we've been running this board and more than a few other circles together for years now...so apologies as I had figured that we were already friends.

As for doing stuff...that line of discussion is similar to the more recent friendship implosion...where I'd ask about doing something in general terms....but nothing solid ever came out of it. We had only spoken in general terms. We had never discussed an actual day or time. And knowing how busy your schedule is...I just didn't figure it was going to get wedged in anytime soon.

_-------------------------
Its a similar and unrelated note that I tend to be running my schedule on a pretty short notice highish flex these days. I occasionally make long range plans with my busy friends who is never see without it...but otherwise I would probably just keep sitting at home. Its a cycle I need to break....but having trouble finding the impetus to.

So tonight I had a short fuse invite for bowling with a friend...and my wife was kind enough to flex here date plans so that I could go, and she'd watch the kids and a movie or something with her bf.

Well...bowling didn't take very long. When I got home it was pretty apparent that she and he had just been getting ready for their noisey bookie portion of the evening.

This shouldnt have been a problem I think...and my wife and I have some pretty specific rules about rooms and times for things like that so that we don't inadvertently kick ourselves out of our own bed. So I was pretty content to go back to my office with headphones and a loud computer game. It would have been inline with previous events.

But ...something was off. All very awkward. I offered....and she declined. But I still got the feeling I shouldn't be in my own house....at all. (Probably related to the know twitchness I'm still working through .... So I suppose I can't blame her)




So music bingo it is! This would have been EXACTLY the kind and number of evening where I miss the kind of friends from back home...because I could have put the word out an had at least one or two meet me out...even on such short or no notice.

Alas...I'm hoping my presence of just myself in the pub isn't conspicuous or pathetic....as I wait for the text that the sock had been taken off the door knob.

It's possible that these friends could exist here and perhaps I already know them. Just there's no history to give me the faith these days that they'll stand fast in the same way. Also most don't come out to play at the drop of a hat around here either. And apologies if you the reader is trying to be one of them...I may be that my faith has been shaken from recent events so the cynicism maybe blinding me at the moment.



I continue onto try and sort myself out as best I can....I make no apology if its not up to other peoples standards.
In the meantime....there's the text with the all clear...the rest of this entry should give them enough time to bask in the afterglow a bit.

I think the moral of the story tonight....is that next time I seem to be arriving at an inconvenient time.....I'll just circle the block or go for ice cream and let them finish....:p





PS: Apologies to LR and Ari....will get to your comments as well....just a lot to chew on.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Hey! Are you saying that Ari and I tend to not respond for (like years actually) and then we write these really long monologues that take forever to read, much less reply to?!?!?!?
I think I may resemble that.... well shit! :)

On a side note-it's highly highly unlikely that if you called to see if I was up for running down to the bar to meet up suddenly because there was too much going on at home.... I wouldn't make it. :(

Hopefully it's obvious that this isn't a personal thing regarding you. (no more smileys-as I recall there is a limit to how many I can use in a post before the board gets pissy with me)

Anyway-I totally feel ya! Currently I feel like I need to run out of my house and let the kids finish whatever the hell it is that they are doing before I return-cause they are DRIVING ME BATSHIT CRAZY! Seriously.

I sent the youngest child (6)to sit in the bathroom and talk to the grandson (2) who is in the shower playing with cars.
Why is the 2 year old in the shower (we don't have a bathtub anymore-just a shower, long story) you ask?
Because he was COVERED (I do mean COVERED) in maple syrup. As I am the one who put it in his oatmeal and I know it was less than a tablespoon... I'm not sure how he got it to breed so that there was enough to lather his whole body in it.
But-I sent him to the shower-and sent SourPea to "supervise" which really means-just hang out in there and talk to him so that he stays in long enough for the shower water to generally rinse most of his body clean. He (fortunately) thinks it's cool as hell to stand in Grammy's shower and drive his little cars up and down the walls in running water. So whilst I can hear them (as if they were standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME) he is contained and happy. She is contained and happily bossing him around (about only God knows what cause the shower is 32x32 inches-what on earth could he do in there? (I already removed all shampoo, soap etc)....

IF (yeah I know-whats the chance, small probability) you manage to wander your way to Alaska-definitely let me know so we can go catch up face to face! (of course that goes for Ari, Derby, RP and all the other Canadian friends over there whose logins I can't recall lol.)

I don't know when I will make it back down your way. :(

One would think that with Maca working so much OT out of town this year (8 months of working 6/8 weeks at 10hr days (so 2 hours of ot 5 days and 1 day of 10 hrs ot) I could pull a couple extra plane tickets.

But his dad had some unexpected emergency medical shit come up and had to take time off work (no retirement for that one). We've been trying to send them money to help out. :( Which I totally don't mind doing-he's the most awesome guy on the planet. Just wish he would come home-make it so much easier to take care of him if he weren't in NY! (could he pick a more distant place? Um... no, not without leaving the US).

Eventually I will manage another trip down to visit though. I will try to give you more notice next time-then maybe we could go do something fun one evening. :)
 

ImaginaryIllusion

Administrator
Staff member
We break from our regularly scheduled lament to bring you this very important announcement of something completely different!

I've been scrambling the last couple days to get everything ready for our summer road trip. I think most of it is pretty much ready...and the rest is being left in my capable wife's hands.

So off we go tomorrow, starting with the weekend at PolycampNW!
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Polycamp-NW/202990589725507
http://www.polycamp.org/

For those who haven't been...it's a fun few days in sun and forest with all kinds of good poly folk in an all ages environment! I highly recommend it! And if you're already in the know, hopefully we'll see you there!
 
Have fun at camp!

We break from our regularly scheduled lament to bring you this very important announcement of something completely different!

I've been scrambling the last couple days to get everything ready for our summer road trip. I think most of it is pretty much ready...and the rest is being left in my capable wife's hands.

So off we go tomorrow, starting with the weekend at PolycampNW!
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Polycamp-NW/202990589725507
http://www.polycamp.org/

For those who haven't been...it's a fun few days in sun and forest with all kinds of good poly folk in an all ages environment! I highly recommend it! And if you're already in the know, hopefully we'll see you there!

Hey, have fun in my home town. :cool: Yes I grew up there, married there, had two kids there even went to 5th grade camp at the meet up site. If any one there wants any info of good places to check out, just pm me. I hope everyone has fun. We'd be there but didn't find out about it until too late to get away for the weekend!
 

ImaginaryIllusion

Administrator
Staff member
And there’s the other shoe!

Well…fuck!

I am aware that I don’t update this nearly as often as I should. There’s about 2 or 3 sub-stories that could be told over the last several months, but instead there’s going to be a gross oversimplification of the smooth parts, with a headlong dashing of grey matter against the rough mountain sized molehill that seems to have snuck up on me...in that sneaky way that a bulldozer is capable of.


In the couple months after the last post, I had started to relax, and become more comfortable with the new status quo. It was apparent that my wife wasn’t going anywhere, so I had allowed blood to return to my knuckles and returned to mostly familiar patterns. I recently went on a business trip as well, which turned out very well for me while I was away. The processing that went on at home before during and after was almost painless this time around. Things had apparently come a long way since the last time I visited that particular town.

And then things rattled apart again, but with unexpected consequences. Time with her bf has unexpectedly come to a long pause for other reasons that I don’t need to go into here. So I was standing by to assist with the fallout, and support her as best I could...and instead I found out that she not only didn’t need my support (fair enough), but didn’t want it, or me, ...at all. At least it appears, not as I am now.


We’ve always been quite dedicated to each other, and one key element of our style together that I’ve noted differs from other people I’ve known, is that we never talk about splitting up as a solution to our problems. It’s never a suggestion even in the heat of the moment. Any solution brought up during the worst knock down drag out conflict always is based on the premise that we are together on the other side of it. Now this didn’t change in our latest round of discussions, but as my wife came out of her processing period recently and was finally able to tell me that her massive upset in the wake of her current breakup wasn’t the bf, it was me. It wasn’t from anger, or an ultimatum, but the discussion did shape a course around to the direction of meta-type discussions of what if, and divorce came up in the process as a possible long term result. We’ve joked about divorce before, between us, as something all the cool kids were doing when we moved cities a decade ago. But this is the first time that the spectre of a breaking point seemed like a very real possibility.


It was like a sucker punch to the gut, and now for the first time I feel like I’m on really unsteady ground in our marriage. That perhaps my Mom could be right. That I have unintentionally engineered my own destruction by getting exactly what I wanted... possibly with the additional bonus of what I deserved. Chain me gently with a fuck-saw.


I’ve had a long standing tendency towards self-deprecating humour, for as long as I can remember. I’m sure this would come as a massive shock to anyone familiar with this blog, or me. My wife always knew this about me, and tolerated it for the most part, I was fully aware it wasn’t her favorite trait of mine. The problem with self-deprecation is that carry it on too long, or too effectively, and perhaps you’ll convince others that you’re right...or at the very least, drive them to be too fatigued to argue anymore.

I’ve posted before with regards to my wife, and exactly what kind of excellent person she is. It recent months she’s undergone some remarkable changes, some intentional, some as a happy side-effect. Most importantly, her view of herself has finally caught up with her actual awesomeness! This is a truly wonderful moment, as it’s not seen nearly often enough in today’s world of media bombardment and constant mixed messaging. But now of course, it makes her far less tolerate of my tendency to bash myself.
 

ImaginaryIllusion

Administrator
Staff member
Not so much dropped, as kicked up my ***

And because I don’t want to make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy where I say whatever is needed for her to reject me in a way that would make my worst fears come true.
And this is where being so finely attuned to my partner also seems to have turned around to bite me in the ass. Sourgirl told me many moons ago that eventually I’d get sick of myself, and it seems to have happened...finally. A lot longer that it should have been...apparently I’m way too tolerant, even for my own good. I reached the tipping point a while before Christmas, after my wife’s latest round of self-improvement. She encouraged me to do the same program and give it a try to find my way out of my funk. I thought about it, but I didn’t like the cost, so I was thinking of half-measures and excuses to avoid having to actually drink the Kool-Aid. But in the meantime, I was also drawing myself down, as bad as ever...the kind of behavior she was sick of, I seemed to be doing it more...and somewhat intentionally, although I couldn’t explain to myself why?! Could it be the attunment was kicking in? That I was doing exactly what she hated. Subconsciously driving her to leave me as part of me might think I deserved? Or deserved or not, perhaps I thought she needed an excuse to do what she wanted and bail?


Part of me wanted to blame the bf. After all, shouldn’t it be his fault that my wife isn’t happy with me anymore? I don’t want to say that her changes have been caused directly by him, but there’s a strong correlation, since they’ve been doing many of the same activities together. More directly though, he doesn’t appear to have these self-deprecating habits. So is it perhaps that my wife is comparing me to him, and is now not satisfied with me, having been with someone who doesn’t have these issues? That was a shitty thought of mine wasn’t it? She’s not supposed to compare!
Yeah, that train of thought ran its course for about a day. In reality, I will probably thank him.


Back to the attunment: if I am sick of myself, then of course she will be as well! If I’m picking up on her frustration and subconsciously doing things that add to it, then of course it’s going to build up the pressure. And then when the break happened with her bf, and there was no longer a distraction to keep a lid on things, the pressure released, and everything boiled over in decidedly my direction, and rightly so.

Once we were able to sort out the mess a little, we have been able to have some calmish and rational conversations around it. As calm as conversations can be when I start out with “I feel like a” and she finishes with “paycheck”...that’s attunment for ya. They’re still extremely uncomfortable for me, because I feel as though I’m on the spot to make some significant changes to my character to avoid the worst case scenario. And not having an end state, I don’t yet have any concrete goals to set for myself to ensure I can fix the problem.

On the upshot, there’s not as much work to do as maybe originally thought. Or maybe it’s worse. Too early to tell. I have let myself slide in many ways for several years, and last year I was in neutral for all of it...which surprise surprise, hit me right before xmas. I’m not in fighting trim right now, and haven’t for a while, although I’m not in the worst shape I’ve ever been either. The self-deprecation...I don’t think is as deeply rooted as I might lead people to believe. It’s not so much a core value as a façade. Apparently a bit too convincing. That’s what I get for too much role-playing I guess.

There is something about me that’s broken. But I’m still trying to decide what. My wife was able to help me identify a nexus point, around 2010, which coincided with a particularly rough period at work. The place I was working at was a truly unpleasant experience, and it seems I may have become a little too bitter, twisted and jaded as a result...with a dash of whiny-bitch thrown in for good measure. It occurs to me that this was also around the time when aspects of my relationship with my gf at the time changed to something that was never fully recovered. Could the same thing happen with my wife? Ack!


To some extent, I really don’t have time to care. I feel that I need to do something and quick. I’m supposed to be a man of action after all, so time to man up and take action. A friend of mine suggested a possible issue that could be worked on and suggested a book to assist. I was off the phone for an hour and I headed out to find a copy. Action.

I also went ahead and drank the Koolaid. As I am writing this, I’m in day 5, part of the “Kill All the Things” phase. Action. Yesterday I could have stabbed the cook with a serving tray with the thin bit until the blood flooooows just for not getting me something out of the sandwich bar. Probably not the best time to be doing blogging and relationship processing, so this entire post can be taken with a grain of salt...or a whole salt lick, horsey style if needs be. But no more half-measures. No more excuses. No more whining...within reason, or unless there’s cheese. My waking moments now are far more occupied now in consciously making the decisions that should take me to a better place, health, wealth and mentally. Changing my focus from the problems, to identifying and implementing solutions. Still tricksie without a roadmap to go by...but the immediate premise is that there’s probably nowhere to go but up.


There’s a nagging but-face in here though. Once upon a time, the self-deprecation was a part of the guy that my wife dated, and married. Somewhere along the line it changed from a truth-ish thing, to a façade, although I don’t recon I know when that actually happened (Pre-post marriage, pre-post career change?). Past-me was who she originally fell in love with. What I present at home now, is very different from the person I am at work. Home-me, is an echo of past-me. Work has been a major instrument in my changes over the last 10 years. Work-me doesn’t have these kinds of problems. Work-me gets shit done. Action. Work-me, is not always a pleasant individual, and not something I’ve been keen to bring home. Parts of Work-me seem to be what she wants, despite my warnings that there’s other side-effects that come with it. She’s supported me in me doing my job, but she’s never liked it, or some of the changes in me that she did notice in the past. So now I wonder, if I lift the veil of the self-deprecation, will she actually still be able to love the man I’ve become? Can she actually still love who I really am? Insert appropriate Dorian Gray allusion here.

That more than anything right now, scares the living bejesus out of me...and since I almost threw up when I read her last message to me about this subject on FB. (the letter itself triggered me as eerily similar to something I received from a friend a while back (mentioned a couple posts back) where the friend threw our 20 year friendship under the bus!), I doubt I’ll be getting much sleep tonight.


This is my shit, to own and to deal with. I might have others to thank in terms of kicking my ass into a proper gear to start the actual doing, rather than the sitting, moping, and yapping. There’s still time, we’re not off the rails yet, but she’s too important to me to let things slide any further. She’s done the hard thing, being honest with me about some very unpleasant thoughts she’s been having towards me. I must also do the hard things, to make sure they don’t persist, to do a make and mend on myself, and hopefully find and shape someone that we can both like hanging around with a bit more.


Also a side note to anyone thinking about sniffing around for opportunities in the wake of this disturbance...it’s a little too early for grave dancing, so mind your manners. I don’t know how long day 5 will actually last.
 
Bravery is in the doing.

Your blog, and you, continually inspire me. We all end up in places that we don't belong in at times in life, and having a genuine person in our lives to help us give our heads a shake and wake up from the slumber is an amazing gift. I think you have everything that you need to find YOUR way into your revived self. Keep blogging, Mister.
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
While, I am sure, can not entirely relate to what you are going though...my work-me and my real-me are, in fact, two separate entities as well.

My boys know what I do at work and support me in it (which, I think, is different from your situation), BUT I do try to shield them from it as much as I can. Sometimes, however, it spills over (I am only human after all - to do my job I must sometimes suppress the "feeling" parts of me...which then overflow at home, on occasion.)

Sorry to hear/read of your struggle.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
II, sometimes the toughest thing, is hearing the truth.. you have heard and are actioning them. Thats a great step. :)..

Its tough to be two different uses. And it isn't fair to yourself. Maybe try to balance and be.. one of equal value :).. either way its for you to figure out. I am not very good at being two people. So... either people accept me, or don't. I am the same person with the same values in both places. Servers me well :)
 
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