They are spending a lot of time together, and I find family events are being increasingly blended. This probably shouldn’t be a problem, but I’ve been getting increasingly sensitive about having my life planned for me, and while there’s been steps made to mitigate that issue, I often don’t feel I have the room to maneuver, the space to sort myself out. With all my wife’s extra-curricular activities, she keeps trying to kick me out of the house once in a while since I’m at home with the kids all the time. But it doesn’t help that my inclinations these days is to stay home in my office...which in terms of getting out of the house and time away from the kids, and mess, and other house stuff, is counterproductive.
Hmmm.. maybe there needs to be some dissecting of time. We even do this in our live in situation where each of us, gets the time we need individually or as coupling or as triads in our own way. It takes some doing and doesn't happen as often as any of us would like but thats life. Time is too short haha..
Also.. maybe your wife sees something you don't. You leaving and getting time to yourself may feel counterproductive, but maybe its what the proverbial doctor has ordered ..
I’m trying not to be too conscious of the time she spends with her bf, and I tease her a fair amount in an attempt to make the situation light. It’s a kind of litmus test for me that I’m still cool with things. I don’t know if it’s working. I’m really trying not to run comparisons, or keep score, or dwell on the issues I have with my own relationships, or lack there-of. I’m really really hoping that most of my issues around this are a matter of classical conditioning, and societal scripts that keep kicking me in the head. Previously when she was with a gf, my own internal dialog was anywhere between content and excited. Now...I’m not getting that. And I have to keep reminding myself that my wife is not a fire hydrant, and I’m not a dog needing to mark my territory. (Not the least of which is that isn’t on either of our particular list of fetishes, so I’d probably get bludgeoned for it)
This is a tough one. My way of getting over it.. per se, was to have my own relationship with the other man. That friendship as individuals removed a lot of the potential demons.
It’s also possible that I’ve been reading too many of the tragic cases in poly! The marriage that turns into a sexless and perhaps loveless trudging through time, after a partner discovers a BBD partner and loses interest in the spouse. (In reference to the last post, in case it was missed, BBD = Bigger, Better Deal) Or our favourite late night paid programming advertisement Poly’s Go Wild! Where suddenly having the freedom to receive favourable attention, they start seeking it out to the extreme, leaving the original partners in the dust going WTF? (My wife used to restrain herself...and still does...I do recognize that this isn’t a rational line of thought, but also how often do we end up having to shrug at unexpected behavior and admit “People change?”)
Stop, thats all I got. this and other online poly worlds are cesspools of unruly influence. Poly doesn't have to be like that, there are lots of normals, lots of people, who are involved in multiple relationships, doing it well and enjoying their life.
Either way, I still get the feeling that I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This is an interesting quote. Which shoe? your potential relationships or the end of her current one? Are you done mourning the loss of her gf? Have you come to terms with what happened? Is that a shoe that can still drop?
But all this is just standard insecurity crap isn’t it? What’s the broken part? I’ve been starting to get the sense over the last while that I’m just not relating to people properly anymore. I’m inclined to think it has something to do with work, mostly because I have no issues dealing with people there. I have some co-workers that are good friends, and I rarely get the sense when talking to people there that they don’t understand me. But it is a culture distinct and separate from the rest. So I not only have trouble getting people to understand me, but often I struggle to interact at all. Many of the social niceties or norms, I wonder sometimes if I’ve just forgotten. So often I go quiet in the middle (and sometimes beginning and end as well) just because I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or talk about. Could this be a factor in the less than stellar results I’ve seen when trying to make new friends?
Again this forum, this online poly life can hyper focus our discussions. Poly isn't the only topic.. and you have more to contribute than that. Find a hobby is cliche but it can help .. re-find those things you enjoy that aren't poly.. .. then you will find more people to relate to.