How do I do poly if I'm now mono?

[numinous]

I guess a lot can happen in 5 years.

I will take a stab at writing a new profile on this site, but will probably leave the original one up or at least archive it because it's a snapshot of who I was then.

For now, a brief update:

I live in Portland now, and I only date women. Specifically butch women.

Obviously I've gone through some changes since 2009. I haven't really considered polyamory or consensual nonmonogamy since I realized I was attracted to women. I'm not really sure why, but it just fell by the wayside.

I've had a lot of adventures since I realized my crushes on women were no fluke. I've heard other people say it feels like you're 14 again, and it's true. And you make all of the same rookie mistakes a 14 year old would make. There has been exhilaration, there's been heartache. Mine and theirs.

I finally got to a place in the past few months where I'm doing Me, practicing self care, taking some risks in other non-dating areas of my life. And that brings me to the present.

I am just starting to date someone whom I already have strong feelings for, and who seems like a much better fit than everyone I've dated so far. I went about "vetting" her in what I think is a very rational, systematic, responsible way. Then, whenever I spent time with her, I gauged how I was feeling about her, me and our potential. I gauged whether I wanted to spend more time with her after each casual meeting out in the community.

So now, we've spent some significant time alone with each other. We've been sexually intimate with each other. Here's the issue (I won't call it a problem):

She wants to be nonmonogamous. And yes, she did disclose this on our first date. And we did discuss it openly. So I rushed home and quickly googled whatever I could find on how to practice ethical polyamory. We looked at it together. All is well and good, right? Wrong. Here's the thing:

I want to be monogamous with her.

And I'm having a hell of a time understanding why, wrapping my mind around it. Not to mention my heart.

- Why was I so willing to be nonmonogamous with men but not women?
- How likely is it to work if one partner is monogamous and the other partner is not? I mean, I know that people do this, so I know that technically it can be done. But how does it really work, on a day-to-day basis? How does the monogamous partner deal with the jealousy and emotions around having a partner who is out having sex with other women? And yes, I know what compersion is.
- How can I get back to that place where I am truly OKAY with it, in my heart. And not just saying I'm OKAY with it, because I don't want to lose this very new, very fragile relationship?

Any help is much appreciated.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are struggling.

You ask some questions that only you can answer though.

- Why was I so willing to be nonmonogamous with men but not women?

It is your preference?
You changed your mind?
You had a change of heart?

The "why" only you know. The point is that at this time, this is how it is for you. You want a Closed, monogamous relationship.

- How likely is it to work if one partner is monogamous and the other partner is not?

I think it can work out fine if the person is monoamorous (wants 1 sweetie for self) but is poly-friendly. (ok in a relationship shape that contains more than 1 other person because the shared sweetie has other partners)

At this time you sound like you

• want monoamorous (want 1 sweetie for you)
• want monogamous (want relationship shape with 1 other person ONLY)
• want that person to be HER.

So... I don't think this will work out for you. She doesn't want the same shape as you. Fundamentally incompatible at this time.

You aren't getting 3 out of 3 here. You can have the first two, and could let go of the third. I get you don't want to and it feels hard.

How does the monogamous partner deal with the jealousy and emotions around having a partner who is out having sex with other women?

I would say the monogamous person could not sign up for poly relationship shapes then. Not go against their own willingness to participate, their ability to participate and/or their want to participate in such a thing. That right there deals with the emotional stuff by skipping it.

Not every dating partner is a runner, so could thank the poly person and move on. Seek what you want. They seek what they want. Not anyone's fault.

I am just starting to date someone whom I already have strong feelings for, and who seems like a much better fit than everyone I've dated so far.

She wants to be nonmonogamous. And yes, she did disclose this on our first date. And we did discuss it openly.

I want to be monogamous with her.

How can I get back to that place where I am truly OKAY with it, in my heart. And not just saying I'm OKAY with it, because I don't want to lose this very new, very fragile relationship?

I could be wrong... but that to me sounds like she did her job -- gave clear communication up front. You are giving less than that back. To me you sound like you are asking...

"I don't want to end this relationship because I haven't found anyone better yet. So instead of speaking my truth, I'm saying I am ok with it even though I am really not.

I've chosen to go against my own want for monogamous relating. I also have chosen to lie to my dating partner. How do I get to a place where I'm ok with it in my heart when I choose that behavior?"​

I would say come clean, speak your truth, and choose behaviors that better align with your wants.

Galagirl

 

[numinous]

Hm, well "monoamorous" is a new one for me. I don't recall hearing that term 5 years ago.

I'm gonna have to ponder that one. It may be possible for me to be monoamorous within a poly relationship.

It's still early days though, so I'm going to wait and see how this goes. I want to try to make it past Christmas at least. The holidays are the worst time of year to start a new relationship. It feels like a fucking minefield.

Will get back to you on this.

 

[GalaGirl]

Well, sounds like some soul searching then to clarify to yourself where it is you stand.

• monoamorous and willing to participate in some open models (like in a "V" for instance)
• monoamorous and monogamous (NOT up for any open models)

GL!
Galagirl

 

[sparklepop]

Hi numinous,

I'm not certain what your old username was, but from what I understand you are a woman (?) who has realised how much you love other women, and whilst you used to do non-monogamy with men, you're feeling that you only want to be monogamous with women.

Firstly, I can most definitely agree to what your description of realising you're into women feels like. It is all-consuming and can be the most powerful feeling in the world. Relationships with other women can be so beautifully, amazingly intense in a way that I've personally never experienced with men.

My theory is that you may essentially be in the NRE stage of your exploration with women. How many stories do we hear about people falling into NRE with a person and becoming disinterested in their other relationships, or at the very least dropping the ball because this new thing is on their mind constantly? I've heard of people leaving their poly relationships behind in favour of the new person for whom they have NRE. In serial monogamy, we often fall head-over-heels into NRE and completely discount any other dating prospects. I've certainly experienced the mindset that when I'm falling for someone there's nobody else on the planet that appeals to me.

So, it could very well be that you *are* polyamorous or non-monogamous, or some variation of those themes, but that your discovery of FF relationships is your primary focus right now. It could be that 10 years from now you find yourself wanting to be non-monogamous again.

My other theory is that you were non-monogamous with men because men simply didn't quite grab you with the same hold that women do. It could be that you were more used to men, or simply less interested than you are in women. Perhaps you will always want to be monogamous with women, because your real desires lie in monogamy and your real desires lie with women. It's easier to deal with non-monogamy when you're with someone you're less into.

Both of these theories make logical sense to me.

Regarding the rest of your questions:

How likely is it to work if one partner is monogamous and the other partner is not? I mean, I know that people do this, so I know that technically it can be done. But how does it really work, on a day-to-day basis?

Well, as you know, some people do this. I'd say that it absolutely *can* work... but it depends very much on the person/people involved, what they want, whether the relationship meets their needs, etc.

Some examples. My girlfriend and her husband are practically mono/poly. GF's hubby slept with two women a few years ago. However, he seems very uninterested in finding anyone else, he feels extremely guilty when he has been with others, and he says he couldn't love anyone else. He said he's fine with GF being poly for the most part, and doesn't often get upset or insecure these days. Additionally, he gets turned on by the thought of GF being with others.

I've also contemplated mono/poly before. There was a point during the first 1-2 years of my relationship with GF where I could have happily been mono/poly. At this time, my relationship needs for a high-level of presence, energy, focus, sex, etc. was being met. When these needs were met in that relationship, I didn't feel the need to look for others, and could have happily only been with her for a long period of time. For me, it's when these needs are no longer met that I want to seek other partners. If I had a partner who was able to bring a high level of presence and attention to our relationship, her being with others wouldn't be much of an issue for me.

Essentially, I'm saying that mono/poly can work IF your needs are being met. This will depend on what you need from a relationship.

How does the monogamous partner deal with the jealousy and emotions around having a partner who is out having sex with other women?

For me, being poly doesn't make a difference to jealousy and insecurity. I will feel insecure whether I'm dating others or not. For me, monogamy isn't a way of dealing with insecurities... monogamy is a way of avoiding having to deal with some of those insecurities on a constant basis. I'm not saying that monogamy is not a good choice. I could very much see myself being monogamous with someone if the circumstances were right. Hell, sometimes I get so fed up with dealing with poly that monogamy sounds like a welcome break. However, what I am saying is that insecurities must be dealt with from within, if you choose to face them. It's about becoming stronger within oneself and seeing if you can reach a point where you are no longer threatened or upset about the thought of a partner being intimate with someone else. Sometimes this isn't even insecurity. Sometimes you just plain don't like the thought of someone else being with that person because you feel that sexual intimacy is something sacred between two partners.

How can I get back to that place where I am truly OKAY with it, in my heart. And not just saying I'm OKAY with it, because I don't want to lose this very new, very fragile relationship?

This is a difficult one. I'd start by determining whether or not there are qualities you actually appreciate and identify with, regarding poly. For instance, I identify with the idea that people are not to be owned or controlled. This is what keeps me on the road of poly. If you can't genuinely, truly identify with polyamory (or other forms of non-monogamy) at this point, it's going to have to be a 'wait and see' thing to determine whether or not you can deal with it... if you can actually deal with it.

Since you have such strong feelings for this new woman in your life, I'd be tempted to advise you to give it a go if that's what you want to do. There's nothing wrong with being very clear with her that you're not sure you want polyamory at this point in time. In fact, you should be honest about this so that she can prepare herself for the possibility that you might decide to bow out in X amount of months.

On the other hand, if you absolutely don't want to do non-monogamy and she does, there's absolutely no shame in bowing out now.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi numinous,

I don't have much to offer; the others have already given good advice. I do have some good links for dealing with jealousy in general, and I know jealousy was one of your concerns in a poly/mono dynamic.

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

I know of poly/mono couples that have made it work, but I couldn't tell you what their day-to-day looks like. As one leg in a V, I only have one partner (the hinge), whereas she has two partners (the legs). I guess that makes me technically mono although technically I *could* court an additional partner if I wanted. I just don't feel the need. My needs are being met. I suppose I have more "me time" than the partners in a strictly monogamous couple. But I like "me time." So it works. As sparklepop said, a lot of it has to do with the specific people in the arrangement and their unique needs.

Make sure your current partner knows about your monogamous inclinings. Then if you both want to, just take the relationship a day at a time, communicate well and a lot, and find out if poly/mono is something that can work for you.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

My theory is that you may essentially be in the NRE stage of your exploration with women.

This resonates a little with me. I ID'd as poly before I ID'd as bisexual. My early sex/(non)relationship/etc. experiences were with men. I "discovered" my bisexuality around the time that I fell into a relationship with "MrS" (my first actual relationship) - that was 22 years ago.

One of our early agreements (since abandoned) was that I would "limit" my poly explorations to women. (Yes, yes. OPP, I know.) Truth is that this "limitation" didn't bother me much - as my eyes had been recently opened to a whole new experience - WOMEN! I went on to have about as many experiences with women as I had previously had with men (prior to MrS). Then I met my second love - Dude (who is, you know, a dude - which surprised everyone who knows me, since I was only really looking at women) - that was 3 years ago.

I've been wondering if I, perhaps, am polyamorous and bisexual but ... hetero-romantic? (since none of my FF liaisons came to more than FWBs - although long-lasting ones). Except - I don't know who I will meet next! Before I met Dude, I had been known to say that if anything ever happened to MrS (Goddess Forbid!) that I would probably become a lesbian. So, I'm not ruling anything out at this point (except monogamy).

JaneQ

 

[numinous]

Thank you thank you sparklepop and kdt26417!

You have both given me a sense of HOPE. I'm feeling more optimistic about the possibilities for this relationship than I was yesterday.

I think that tomorrow, I'm going to calmly reassure both of us very simply, that we are safe, it's okay to be scared, and for now we can just enjoy the moment - xmas dinner! - and each other. I'm going to suggest that we let ourselves be light-hearted and joyful for this day. We can always discuss the needs and logistics etc. on another occasion.

I'm also going to wear, under my modest yet sparkly dress, garter stockings sans panties.

Happy Merry ChrismaKwanzaHannukaSolstice and don't forget Festivus new friends!

 

[kdt26417]

Enjoy your day together.