How do I even start to explain??

Thanks for the advice and viewpoints everyone. Right now feeling pretty damn emotionally exhausted but have another counselling session on Tuesday so kinda trying to keep my head down until then.
 
Keeping my head down never works. Argument which resulted in him telling me that if I choose this lifestyle then I need to leave. So he asked me to leave the house. I left and took the kids with me but it's only temporary. Not entirely sure what to do now. My whole family think I should stop this and go make my marriage work.

I just feel numb again.
 
If you resigned yourself to obey your husband from now on, I think it would only lead to deeper resentments and more fights. Sorry to say I don't hold out much hope for this marriage at this point. :( You said it yourself: Keeping your head down never works. How will it work for you to keep your head down permanently?
 
Are you actively pursuing this lifestyle or just wanting him to be more understanding of your preference? If you are desiring poly or bust, then you may at least at this point be getting your answer.
 
Journeyofawakening said:
Keeping my head down never works. Argument which resulted in him telling me that if I choose this lifestyle then I need to leave. So he asked me to leave the house. I left and took the kids with me but it's only temporary. Not entirely sure what to do now. My whole family think I should stop this and go make my marriage work.

I just feel numb again.
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So sorry to hear this, Journey!

Your whole family is more or less involved in the church, right? Of course they would want you to stop this and make your marriage work. Also, remember the thing about tribal shame... in your tribe obviously the wives stay with their husbands and are not interested in multiple relationships. They are trying to shame you to obey the rules.

Are you and your children in a safe place now? For how long can you stay there?
 
Stay gone. Then at least your energy can go toward healing. That's a better place in which to linger than in trying to keep flying a thing that won't fly.

I suggest if you have joint checking accounts that you transfer half to have money to live on. Sort out the rest in settlement. Don't let him get there first and take it all to "freeze you out" and leave you without access to cash. I've seen it happen. :(

The wives are too nice, wait too long, keep hoping that things will get better, it seems "too mean" to take out half and leave half. And then the husband takes it all and leaves them high and dry.

Protect your finances, have something to live on in transition. Open your own account. Then take the rest of today to rest. You don't have to be knocking out all these things at once.

Tomorrow? If your friends and family are not able to help, call local women's shelters. Start with the process of rebuilding your life -- job, new home, divorce papers.

Galagirl
 
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Nadya said:
So sorry to hear this, Journey!

Your whole family is more or less involved in the church, right? Of course they would want you to stop this and make your marriage work. Also, remember the thing about tribal shame... in your tribe obviously the wives stay with their husbands and are not interested in multiple relationships. They are trying to shame you to obey the rules.

Are you and your children in a safe place now? For how long can you stay there?
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Yes they are all in the church. I didn't think about the tribal shame thing...

I'm at my sisters right now but tomorrow I'm going home. I'm not sure what will happen from there but I may take some time away from home to get in a better head space
 
I'm sorry to hear this turn of events. The bright side is that your husband is firm and decisive and knows what he wants. I know a lot of people here have portrayed him as a terrible person but I have been trying to look at it from his side. This development is so far outside of his plan for life that it would completely change and destroy who he wants to be as a person and who your family is. He is simply not willing to accept that and would rather have you gone than go through with that. Obviously he has done some silly and hurtful things but it is to be expected under the circumstances. It was the script that was handed to him and taught to him. His decisiveness is a silver lining because I don't believe the two of you will ever see eye to eye and your relationship henceforth will be rocky and unstable. The two of you have become incompatible in life. Better for things to end now cleanly than for this to drag on for months and years causing turmoil within your souls and your children.
 
Re:
"The two of you have become incompatible in life. Better for things to end now cleanly than for this to drag on for months and years causing turmoil within your souls and your children."
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Agreed.
 
I am so sorry Journey.

In addition to the financial advice, please talk to an lawyer as soon as you can to discuss custody and finiancial issues. Your husband may feel utterly justified in being ruthless about denying you access to your children. Don't discount this possibility. I hope it doesn't come to pass. Also be prepared that many or all of your family might actively take his side.
 
graviton said:
I'm sorry to hear this turn of events. The bright side is that your husband is firm and decisive and knows what he wants. I know a lot of people here have portrayed him as a terrible person but I have been trying to look at it from his side. This development is so far outside of his plan for life that it would completely change and destroy who he wants to be as a person and who your family is. He is simply not willing to accept that and would rather have you gone than go through with that. Obviously he has done some silly and hurtful things but it is to be expected under the circumstances. It was the script that was handed to him and taught to him. His decisiveness is a silver lining because I don't believe the two of you will ever see eye to eye and your relationship henceforth will be rocky and unstable. The two of you have become incompatible in life. Better for things to end now cleanly than for this to drag on for months and years causing turmoil within your souls and your children.
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Thank you so much graviton, he is most definitely not a terrible person, granted he hasn't deal with situations in such a great way but then nor have I really.

I'm not really sitting here thinking "oh well, time to move onto the next person!" because I love him dearly. We have had a good 8 years where we have supported each other and then quite quickly my viewpoints shifted. I understood myself better than I ever have.

I guess I have become a relationship anarchist. As I got to a certain age I watched everyone pair off...retreat into their own separate houses...and just be everything to that one person. It confused me, didn't make sense, felt wrong. But it was 'normal'. I wish it hadn't taken me 8 years to figure this out.

I'll be going home today. I understand people telling me to 'stay away' and 'start a new life' but that won't be happening. I still want my husband to be the father he has always been to our children because he is a wonderful dad and he loves them very much. My hope is that even if he refuses to be intimate with me while I am intimate with another because of his beliefs, we can still be friends and 'partners' in bringing up two little people. Maybe I'm just being overly positive but I want to see the best in this situation.
 
Journeyofawakening said:
Thank you so much graviton, he is most definitely not a terrible person, granted he hasn't deal with situations in such a great way but then nor have I really.

I'm not really sitting here thinking "oh well, time to move onto the next person!" because I love him dearly. We have had a good 8 years where we have supported each other and then quite quickly my viewpoints shifted. I understood myself better than I ever have.

I guess I have become a relationship anarchist. As I got to a certain age I watched everyone pair off...retreat into their own separate houses...and just be everything to that one person. It confused me, didn't make sense, felt wrong. But it was 'normal'. I wish it hadn't taken me 8 years to figure this out.

I'll be going home today. I understand people telling me to 'stay away' and 'start a new life' but that won't be happening. I still want my husband to be the father he has always been to our children because he is a wonderful dad and he loves them very much. My hope is that even if he refuses to be intimate with me while I am intimate with another because of his beliefs, we can still be friends and 'partners' in bringing up two little people. Maybe I'm just being overly positive but I want to see the best in this situation.
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I seriously suggest you rethink trying to stay together just for the kids. First of all, it rarely works and the kids are often worse off for it. They aren't as oblivious as most parents would like them to be. Also, it may be different in the UK, but in a lot of the US it could look very bad if you chose to pursue a relationship while you are still married and your husband isn't on board. If he chooses to file for divorce because you become intimate with someone else, he will most likely have the upper hand and then it will be an uphill battle for you in court. I'm not saying you have to file for divorce today, but you need to realize that staying in a platonic marriage with someone who equates polyamory with mental illness is not really a viable option.
 
Emmaleigh6692 said:
I seriously suggest you rethink trying to stay together just for the kids. First of all, it rarely works and the kids are often worse off for it. They aren't as oblivious as most parents would like them to be. Also, it may be different in the UK, but in a lot of the US it could look very bad if you chose to pursue a relationship while you are still married and your husband isn't on board. If he chooses to file for divorce because you become intimate with someone else, he will most likely have the upper hand and then it will be an uphill battle for you in court. I'm not saying you have to file for divorce today, but you need to realize that staying in a platonic marriage with someone who equates polyamory with mental illness is not really a viable option.
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Aah that's not what I meant. I meant that I don't want it to be messy and angry so that every time we see each other it's like 'argh'. I think relationships have the ability to adapt if you let them.
 
Journeyofawakening said:
.... I wish it hadn't taken me 8 years to figure this out.
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Journey, you are so young and thankfully you are figuring out what a meaningful, happy life means for you and you are pursuing your dreams. Really, in many ways you're just starting out after a bit of an initial struggle - which can be very helpful in fully clarifying what is right for you. You have decades and decades and decades ahead to enjoy a happy life with your children, new friends and new family members.

Proud of you. :)
 
Journeyofawakening said:
Thank you so much graviton, he is most definitely not a terrible person, granted he hasn't deal with situations in such a great way but then nor have I really.

I'm not really sitting here thinking "oh well, time to move onto the next person!" because I love him dearly. We have had a good 8 years where we have supported each other and then quite quickly my viewpoints shifted. I understood myself better than I ever have.

I guess I have become a relationship anarchist. As I got to a certain age I watched everyone pair off...retreat into their own separate houses...and just be everything to that one person. It confused me, didn't make sense, felt wrong. But it was 'normal'. I wish it hadn't taken me 8 years to figure this out.

I'll be going home today. I understand people telling me to 'stay away' and 'start a new life' but that won't be happening. I still want my husband to be the father he has always been to our children because he is a wonderful dad and he loves them very much. My hope is that even if he refuses to be intimate with me while I am intimate with another because of his beliefs, we can still be friends and 'partners' in bringing up two little people. Maybe I'm just being overly positive but I want to see the best in this situation.
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He's not a terrible person, no. He is not a 'bad guy'. It is his right not to want a poly or open relationship or be in a poly/mono or open relationship. It's not his fault you have grown and changed away from where you started (as we all do.) His religious faith is itself not wrong at all. It can be a beautiful.

I admire your desire to see the good in him and to want to be positive and affirming of his role in your life and your children's lives. I really hope that your hopefulness is not destroyed by his future behavior.

I want you to not just hope for the best but have some plans in place just in case things go badly. Just in case. I know you love him and respect him. But just in case, please have some 'just in case' plans set up. Have your own money, a place to stay, transportation, how to get the children out of the house, etc.

I truly hope this does not happen and you never have to use any of these plans. I hope you and your husband can work this out, separate or divorce, figure out how to co-parent with each other. I really do. But please think about and plan for if it's not possible for you two to deal well with each other while living together.

Seriously, best of luck to you.
 
Re (from Journeyofawakening):
"My hope is that even if he refuses to be intimate with me while I am intimate with another because of his beliefs, we can still be friends and 'partners' in bringing up two little people. Maybe I'm just being overly positive but I want to see the best in this situation."
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That sounds like a good outcome to me.
 
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