How do I even start to explain??

Hello lovely people. Its been a really difficult year. I tried to 'fake it til I make it' with my husband but everything about it just felt wrong. Currently we are living as friends, because I have requested it. He seemed to want to ignore all our problems (polyamory is only a part of it) and I don't. I've told him I want to be on my own so I can figure things out. Money doesn't make that easy but I've started my own business now and I'll hit it hard so I can be independent. Kids are in school instead of home Ed now and they love it. Works well for us for now, them being there, as it means I can work. And I LOVE what I do. I'm growing in independence really, becoming the person I was before I got married and rejoined the church!!

So yeah I'm pretty much facing divorce, which saddens me really. I also sit and wonder if I'm actually poly or if I was trying to find a way out of what I was in without causing pain... In some crazy way?? I don't know. My husband says he loves me and desperately doesn't want to lose me. But I can't get over the things he has said and done and the way he treats me. I can't be in a relationship with someone who is always right and puts the blame on me every time. I also can no longer confide in him after he takes my personal information to other people. He continued to do it by messaging his dad the name of the book I'm reading and saying 'shes submerged herself in darkness'. I just. You know. What??

I've changed so much over this year, I've let go of trying to please everyone all the time and i'm seeking my own happiness without being reliant on others for it. I'll work hard to achieve a life that is mine, one that makes me happy. If I'm happy then the people around me will be too. Including my kids.
 
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I've let go of trying to please everyone all the time and i'm seeking my own happiness without being reliant on others for it. I'll work hard to achieve a life that is mine, one that makes me happy. If I'm happy then the people around me will be too. Including my kids.

This describes the woman we all know you to be, Journey - what a wonderful way you've written it out. Whether you're poly or not, you're a part of our community here and I hope you'll keep posting as your story unfolds. It's so good to see you. I'm excited for you!
 
Thanks for checking in, Journey. I'm glad you're finding some independence and happiness. And speaking from my experience, I think when your kids see you making positive changes in your life, and gaining that happiness and independence, it will show them that they can do the same in their lives. It's a good example to set.
 
Good for you. I hope your business does well so you can support yourself.

I just wanted to lift this up

April 3, 2015

I am fearful of talking to him about it because I think he will be close-minded, and because I don't want to hurt him. Im a people pleaser by nature (working on that...) and care too much what people think of me.

and this

Dec 4, 2015

I've let go of trying to please everyone all the time and i'm seeking my own happiness without being reliant on others for it. I'll work hard to achieve a life that is mine, one that makes me happy.


You have come a long way in a short time on the people pleaser thing. Good for you!

So yeah I'm pretty much facing divorce, which saddens me really.

It's ok to be sad. And I'm sorry. Growing apart, growing incompatible and then divorce... none of it is a fun thing. :(

I think you guys have long been incompatible -- it shows in your past posts. I am glad you have come to accept that and are taking steps to disband and then move towards healing. Sometimes the best thing to do is to accept and stop trying to fly the kite that just won't fly any more.

He has to be on his own journey of acceptance.

His attitude toward relationships are possessive. This thing he has he does not want to lose. He has not understood relationships are participatory. You do. And you don't like how he choses to participate here.

I can't be in a relationship with someone who is always right and puts the blame on me every time. I also can no longer confide in him after he takes my personal information to other people.

I wouldn't enjoy my spouse choosing to participate with behaviors like that. It is poor relating and you cannot feel emotionally safe like that.

I hope as you move toward disbanding this incompatible union that it is fast, fair and clean. So you can both move on to the healing place.

I hope you continue to get counseling support through this journey. One step at a time.

Hang in there.

hugs,
Galagirl
 
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Wow JoA! You are inspiring! You make me want to be as strong spirited as you. Your journey is not an easy one and still you find your own way.

I'm glad to hear your kids are doing well and I hope your husband finds his own strength and independence from seeing your example. Perhaps he will treat people who love him with more respect and caring.

Leetah
 
Journey, so glad to hear from you. I am thrilled you are taking hard but important steps towards living a an authentic life!
 
Hi Journey,

This has been a year of hard decisions for you. I see that. I think under the circumstances you are making the right decisions. Your husband of course will not share this view, and will always see you as lost in the darkness. You have to have faith in yourself to know that his perception is skewed.

I appreciate your new post, I was anxious to know how things were going for you. I hope you'll continue keep in touch with us from time to time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Quick update, about 5 months on from my last one. My husband is in flat-out denial mode and thinks it can all be fixed. He desperately wants to retain our relationship but I know that I can no longer do that. Our paths have split and it's time to walk in the directions we both want to walk in.

He moved out a week ago for a month to give me 'space to think' and its going to be a challenging year for me as I know he's going to fight me over custody for the children which is a bit silly of him really.

As for polyamory...I mean, the guy who I had feelings for is no longer in the picture. It was sad to walk away from that but there were many reasons for it, most of which are obvious. I don't think polyamory is in my future, but I do think it was a catalyst for waking me up to the marriage I was in not actually doing me any good. It's also really opened my mind up to how other people live, and how relationships should be and could be, so for that I'll always be thankful.

I'm also REALLY thankful that I had you guys here along my journey of not knowing what to do or who I was. REALLY thankful, I mean that. You're all strangers to me but you showed love and compassion and that gives me hope for the human race!! I hope you all find peace and happiness in your life, but don't forget to truly LIVE and not waste the precious time you have on this earth.

All my love,
JOA xx
 
Good to hear from you. Sounds like you have a clearer picture of what you want from your relationships and this marriage just was not making the cut on your personal standards.

Keep going on your path to divorce.

He has to keep going on his own journey to acceptance that you two are just not compatible any more. I hope he makes it.

I will continue to hope that you are able to divorce as peacefully and quickly as possible.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
Hi Journey,

Thanks for keeping us posted on your situation. I'm sorry your marriage couldn't work out, but it's pretty clear how much you and your husband have grown apart. You have learned some important principles and are incorporating them into your life. It isn't easy, but you will get through it. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think poly did the same for me. Nice to see an update. What's happened with the church, I wonder.?
 
Wow, I hadn’t quite realised how long it’s been since I posted my update. I’m not sure if Anyone who followed my journey is even still on this forum! But here I am, back here. Fancy an update? Why not eh? Haha!

It’s been four years or so since I updated. I went through a very difficult time in 2016. At the very end of my 6 month separation from my husband, when we were going to be deciding our next step, I found out a very close online friend of mine (someone who I had put far too much emotional security into) turned out to be catfishing me (and many other women) and had actually died. It was...traumatic. Which probably sounds overly dramatic to someone who hasn't had that particular experience.

I found out about it all the same day I met up with my husband to discuss what to do after our 6 month trial separation. I was so devastated that I turned to my husband and agreed to give our marriage another chance. I guess I was disillusioned with the world at that point and wanted to hold on to some kind of stability. You know?

It's not been stable at all, it's been very up and down. We moved house and life has changed. I got to the point of almost divorce yet again at the end of last year. The past few months have been much better, mostly down to a therapy I've been doing called The Emotion Code. Its really changed things around for me and has improved my marriage dramatically.

So why, I hear you ask, has Journey come back to the polyamory forum if everything in her marriage is so great? ---- because I still feel... Incomplete.

I'm somehow consistently finding myself drawn to loving other people in a deep way. I don't mean to, and I don't physically cheat but my heart goes there. I've had to end another friendship because it got too...close. And this happens to me a lot.

I feel like there's something wrong with me. I've been telling myself that if I feel this way about others then clearly my husband isn't the right person for me and that perhaps I should end it with him to find 'the someone' who will be more compatible with me. But I love my husband, and things are good. So it doesn't make sense to me.

Then I had a moment where I was watching a British celebrity come out of the closet as homosexual after a 27 year marriage to a woman, who was being celebrated for being brave and amazing. And it just hit a nerve for me somehow. A word I've chosen for this year is 'authentic' and I still don't feel like I'm being that. I'm doing my best to be a great partner to my husband, a great mum to my kids and to treat myself with kindness. But I still feel like I'm not quite being 'real' or authentic.

Because I love someone else. Not instead of my husband, just at the same time as. And I don't understand monogamy and why we must be that way. I'm wired differently. I'm sure many of you here can relate. I even googled "is polyamory a choice" and found a quote that said some people are deeply monogamous, some deeply non-monogamous (polyamory being just one expression of that) and some could be happy either way. Society puts a lot of pressure on us to be monogamous.

So, friends from the past, I came here to rant, to vocalise how I feel to people who would understand. Because let's face it, most people wouldn't understand. I need to make a choice - to decide whether I can be happy remaining monogamous for the rest of my life in order to be able to stay with my husband, a man that I love.

I hope you are all well and are living your best lives. <3
 
Just to add, I’m not stuck in the same place as I was in 2015. I stand up for myself a lot more, and my husband has grown a lot too. We've both started to understand more what the other needs (aside from the poly thing!)
 
Good to hear from you.

I'm so sorry to hear about the trauma from the catfishing thing. That's certainly a shock! :eek:

So, friends from the past, I came here to rant, to vocalise how I feel to people who would understand. Because let's face it, most people wouldn't understand. I need to make a choice - to decide whether I can be happy remaining monogamous for the rest of my life in order to be able to stay with my husband, a man that I love.

It can be challenging to come to terms and figure out how to be authentic you. I certainly sympathize.

I hope you are able to do your soul searching and come to a decision.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is the only one you get.

Galagirl
 
Big hugs, JoA. I think Philip Schofield's coming out has been revelatory for lots of people, as far as i can see.

I've been through a similar, if shorter, journey myself over the last year. It was easier for me because i wasn't married, and had no children...but I cannot tell you how much freer and happier and (yes, let's use it, even if it's a bit de rigeur) authentic i feel. I feel like i've woken up. I felt like i'd got stuck in a rut, of having to be a certain thing, that I wasn't really doing a very good job of being. And I'd been doing it for years.

It's not just about being poly, but that is definitely part of it. I went to see the performance art of one of my metamours (Masha) on saturday night, with my other partner, Rob, (i.e. not our shared partner...he's away). He and she got on really well and were chatting away about making music (Rob's a musician), and i just had this warm feeling of affection for everyone and the fact that this can be my life and no one thinks it's weird or strange. Or at least no one who was there, anyway.

I can only say, embrace your authenticity as much as you can. I can't promise people won't judge you (just like the reactions to PS have been very divided), and I haven't told everyone I know yet, because of some of this fear. But even taking small steps, you will feel so much happier in your own skin. If you can afford it, I'd recommend finding a poly-friendly counsellor. I found it so helpful to process all the conflicting feelings I was having, and by the time I ended my (monogamous, long term) relationship, I felt so secure in my decision.

I'm still learning so much about myself, and at 34 I feel like I've lost so much time. But I also don't think I was ready to do it yet.
 
Hi, Journey. Welcome back!

I don't believe some humans are wired to be polyamorous or polysexual, and others are wired to be monogamous. Try reading the book Sex at Dawn for an anthropological and biological look at humans. Apes, primates, is all we are. We have more in common with bonobo chimpanzees than with gorillas, too.

It is very obvious that monogamous marriage is an imposed economic institution, based on the subjection of women. Women have been owned by males for about 3000 years now. We have struggling concretely for about 150 years to free ourselves, but we are obviously still second class citizens. Many women are so used to being second class, they embrace their weakness and subjection to males, in a Stockholm Syndrome fashion.

In the past, before agriculture, before cities, women were equal to men. We didn't marry. We lived in tribes. Children belonged to the tribe. If the mother died, the children would still be fed, housed and clothed as a matter of course.

But once our status was violently ripped from us, we had no choice but to be owned and supported by men, our fathers, our brothers, our husbands. Even our sons were greater in status than we were. And if we couldn't produce a child, especially a son, we were considered worthless. Men's status depended on their ownership of things, land, animals, wives, children and slaves. Women had to stay in their lane.

In order to pass down their goods and land, men decided they had to be sure that their offspring, their sons, were biologically theirs. So, they imposed monogamy on their women. Men could be polygynous. The more wives and children, the better, as long as the men could afford it. This brought status. Look at the hagiography of Solomon in the Bible: hundreds of wives and concubines are boasted of (exaggerated) to show his greatness.

Also, marriage among nobility was long used to unite kingdoms. Once a king's daughter was married to a prince of another land, the areas were linked. Love didn't come into it. Solomon was married to "foreign" (pagan! polytheistic! goddess worshiping!) women. (He also ended up worshiping their goddesses, to the great anger of Yahweh, but that's another story.) On his deathbed, a brand new, very young concubine was given to him to be in his bed and keep him warm as he died.

(Yeah, the Bible is crazy, if you read it.)

So. Why is it seen as great for a man to have hundreds of wife-slaves, but shameful (as in that famous story in the book of John) for a woman to "commit adultery," a grievous sin? Because she didn't stay in her lane, as a possession of one man. This is considered an affront to God, as laid out in Genesis, where Yahweh is made to tell Eve her desire (and the desire of all her daughters) shall be for only one man, the husband. Adam is not given this curse.

It is perfectly natural to love more than one adult in one's lifetime. However, we don't live in tribes anymore. So we may be limited by logistics, especially when kids are involved. We need time, we need money, we need security against monogamist people who may threaten to take our children away. We may lose jobs.

Therefore, practicing polyamory can be hard, dangerous, in our society, which is still patriarchal. But even if you don't feel free to practice it right now, you can know that it is never a bad thing to love.
 
Hello Journeyofawakening!

It is good to see you again, I wondered how things were going for you. It sounds like things may be working out in your marriage after all, that is a pleasant surprise, although if that turns around again I will certainly still support you. Many of us, from the earlier parts of this thread, are still here!

I don't think there's anything wrong with you, just because you (still) have poly feelings. My current personal feeling is that there is a slider between monogamy and polyamory, some people are 100% monogamous, some are 100% polyamorous, and some (probably most) are somewhere in between. If you are somewhere in between, you may find that you can stand monogamy, even if you have wistful feelings about polyamory from time to time. Or, if you lean somewhat more heavily on the poly side, you may find that you can stand monogamy for awhile (five or fifteen years or what have you), but not forever. The siren call of polyamory may still call to you, and you will have to decide whether you can lay that call aside. Only you can decide, it is your life, you must decide what will bring you the most happiness. I know you love your husband. I will support you in whatever you decide is best for you (and yours).

Don't be a stranger, keep updating us sometimes! You seem pretty happy right now, and that makes me glad.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Journey - and welcome back! Looking at the dates, it seems I joined shortly after you went on hiatus.

You've had some good replies already. I would just add - as I've written about a few times now in other threads - that attraction to "more than one" is simply the natural human condition. There has been quite a bit written in support of that notion - Ryan's "Sex at Dawn" is a nice in depth look. But, beyond that - it's just simple observation of human nature - virtually everyone finds themself attracted to "more than one" at some point in their adult life (such as attraction to others while married) - so much so that it is hard to deny that is the natural human condition.

Our desire and willingness to act on those attractions are what make us poly or mono (or in between - Kevin's sliding scale). If we are willing to act on them, then we have made the choice for poly. If we choose to only have one partner, then we have made the choice for mono.

Just a few more cents worth.

Again, welcome back!

Al
 
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