How do I learn to be OK in non-monogamous relationship?

[user1234]

Summary: My husband wants a non-monogamous relationship because I can't keep up with his sex drive. He doesn't want another relationship, only sex. I'm a bi-sexual who finds the idea of non-monogamy appealing, but am naturally a monogamous person. How do I learn to be OK with him flirting, texting, and being intimate with someone else?

A little background:
I'm an introvert happy to have a handful of close friends and spend majority of my time at work or home. I have generalized anxiety and don't really enjoy the dating life (ie not sure how I'd ever seek out another relationship or fwb even if I wanted to). My husband is the opposite; a complete extrovert who loves to socialize and be around people.

The long story:
My husband and I talked about the possibility of a polyamorous relationship with a girlfriend for both of us before we were married, but since it's so rare to find a woman who is interested in such and we were happy (I thought) with just the two of us, we kind of left it to "We'll cross that bridge if the opportunity presents itself" category. Well, the other night the opportunity presented itself (sort of). He was out with friends, I was at home playing video games because I'm an introvert and didn't want to go out two nights in a row. He text me because a beautiful woman had joined the table and was flirting with him; he text me "New wrinkle. I was ferociously hit on by a woman you would enjoy. Please advise. This is what we planned for!" Obviously he was excited, but I had a pit in my stomach. We typically have a pretty decent sex life, but the past couple weeks have been off because life and my sex drive just hasn't been there. (To be fair, I think our sex life is decent 2-3 times a week, but my husband would prefer daily+). She knew he is married, so I told him I'm not feeling a threesome but he could see how she felt about it. He asked to fly solo, and that hurt but I understood since obviously I can't give him what he needs. We had a conversation where I basically said I don't know. Either way the answer was going to change our relationship; if I said yes to please him, I may not be able to be ok with it and it ruins our marriage. Or, I say no and he starts doing things behind my back, which is the absolute last thing I want to happen. He said he was coming home, respecting my "I don't know" as a "No" but then some drama happened with the friends he was with and he ended up staying a little longer. After a half hour or so, he tried to ask to sleep with her again; "The girl 'E' is being very respectful and I'm doing my best. Can we discuss?" I tried to be very open with how I was feeling: I've always been a monogamous person. I've never dated two people at the same time, even casually. I don't want other people when I'm in a relationship, and I know that is very rare, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around this. Threesomes are different because it'd be something we're doing together and it's a once in a blue moon thing. Thinking of you grabbing another woman's butt when I'm not around bothers me. I'm not saying no. Open marriages make some couples perfectly happy, I'm just not sure if I'll regret it later if I say go for it. When my exes cheated, all I could think about was the intimacy they were sharing with someone else; it made me feel disconnected. This is different than cheating because you're being upfront with me, which I greatly appreciate, but I don't know what the right answer is.

He came home and we had a very open conversation until 2AM. Turns out she "doesn't share" so this wouldn't be the situation we discussed prior to marriage; this would be him sleeping with someone else without me. She isn't local, and only visits our town every few months or so. In theory, I think this would be fine. She comes to town, he goes out and has a good time but comes home to me. However, when he's texting her, it bothers me. I want to know what they're talking about. If them texting makes me so uncomfortable, what am I going to do if I allow him to start sleeping with other people? How would I learn to be ok with it and stop hurting?

I asked him to realistically think about our life and what would happen if I said no to a non-monogamous relationship. Would he end up cheating or resenting me 5, 10, 20 years from now? He answered honestly: probably. That leads us to a few outcomes:

Let him enjoy other women and learn to be ok with it. This risks me not being able to emotionally get on board, and then our marriage is over as we know it. We discussed the possibility of a marriage of convenience which sounds somewhat ideal. We love each other, so this would just mean he's intimate with someone else while we live together, share incomes, travel together, etc. Nothing changes other than who we have sex with. On paper, not so bad, but could I really do it?

The other option is to say no and increase my own sex drive to satisfy his needs. This seems unrealistic to me because he is so virtually insatiable I don't think I could ever keep up, even when I was a horny teenager. We try to make it work, end up starting a family together, and then 10 years down the road decide it isn't working. We end up heart broken and have now involved children in the mix.

The ultimate ideal is I learn to love this arrangement. However, I'm scared of trying, learning I can't, and then resenting my husband for something he can't control. I am not good at pretending; once I feel distant from someone, it's apparent and that would only hurt him if I started pulling away, refusing hugs, etc. How do I figure out how to be OK with this situation before actually jeopardizing my relationship by trying it out?

 

[Leetah]

Hey U1234, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear you are in such an uncomortable situation. My quick take is that you and your husband don't seem to have talked this over near enough. Is he able to damp down his libido long enough for the two of you to reflect and discuss this? Have you two done much research on opening up?

In a way your original marriage has already been changed as the two of you now say that monogamy will not work for you long term. As you clearly know, you need to negotiate new marriage agreements, which could posssibly include agreeing that you do better as friends than spouses. With good will and effort on both sides you are likely to find a good solution.

There are a LOT of discussions in the archives here about the questions you have. Searching should quickly turn some up

I only havea few minutes here and I really sympathize with you. I didn't want to leave you waiting for help.

Leetah

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I mean this kindly, ok?

SHORT VERSION

He asked to fly solo, and that hurt but I understood since obviously I can't give him what he needs. We had a conversation where I basically said I don't know. Either way the answer was going to change our relationship; if I said yes to please him, I may not be able to be ok with it and it ruins our marriage. Or, I say no and he starts doing things behind my back, which is the absolute last thing I want to happen.

There's another option where you don't have to do non-monogamy that you might not be ok with. And he doesn't have to cheat on any agreements. Instead? You could both be honest with yourselves and with each other about wanting different things in life and you agree to part ways respectfully. Sometimes the last loving act a couple does is just that -- let it go with respect. That might be the last thing you want to think about, esp if going through the stages of grief and coming to terms still. Yet... still a choice on the table.

LONG VERSION

If you are an introvert who is...

• happy to have a handful of close friends
• happy to spend majority of my time at work or home.
• generalized anxiety
• don't really enjoy the dating life
• enjoy sex 2-3x a week?

Why did you marry your husband? Who you say is your complete opposite?

• He is an extrovert
• He wants sex daily+
• He wants non-monogamy -- either in a triad/group sex thing, or doing his own thing on the side. Neither of which you like.

However, when he's texting her, it bothers me. I want to know what they're talking about. If them texting makes me so uncomfortable, what am I going to do if I allow him to start sleeping with other people? How would I learn to be ok with it and stop hurting?

I asked him to realistically think about our life and what would happen if I said no to a non-monogamous relationship. Would he end up cheating or resenting me 5, 10, 20 years from now? He answered honestly: probably.

So can't you guys continue to be honest with each other? Why bend yourselves into pretzels? He is not your cheating exes from the past. He's being honest with you. Be honest back.

If you changed your mind what you are up for? That's allowed. You can change your mind. You are the one in charge of your willingness to do things. But be honest back since he's being honest with you. He cannot be a mind reader. Don't wimp out just because it's hard conversation.

• Your Old Willingness: My husband and I talked about the possibility of a polyamorous relationship with a girlfriend for both of us before we were married. I was up for that back then. So he thought it was still on the table somewhere.
  
• Your New Willingness Update: Actually, I'm not as into that as I once thought I would be. Today I'm just not into it. Not on the table for me any more.

So you need to update him on where you stand on that TODAY.

And for him? If that means he wants non-monogamy at some point in his life? And you don't? You guys want different things from life. Can be exes and friends, but not spouses.

All the things you list below sound like "save the marriage" solutions to me rather than "save the people." MAybe you were caught by surprise because you thought all was going fine. Maybe you are in stages of grief. Maybe a combo.

I could understand that. But I think you need to be ok thinking about the people more than the marriage paper continuing uninterrupted by a divorce paper. I see a lot of people all "save the marriage!" but the marriage doesn't actually need saving. It the PEOPLE that need to be healthy and doing well. Sometimes they work it out and the marriage can continue. Other times not. But to squish into an ill-fitting marriage just to not end the marriage? That's not good for the people. YKWIM?

Let him enjoy other women and learn to be ok with it. This risks me not being able to emotionally get on board, and then our marriage is over as we know it. ( Are you in the habit of agreeing to things when not actually on board? If so? Learn to stop doing that. That behavior is not treating you well.

You are already at a crossroads place, hon. And you do not "let" him. You are not his parent.

He's telling you he's not up for monogamy forever. So... you have to answer. You do NOT sound like "joyous yes" for doing non-monogamy. So it's a "no." )

You do a marriage of convenience. (Is this what you always dreamed of for your marriage? A marriage of convenience?

We love each other, so this would just mean he's intimate with someone else while we live together, share incomes, travel together, etc.

You know roomies can do that? Or friends? You do not HAVE to be married to share loving feelings, share money, take trips together, etc.

The other option is to say no and increase my own sex drive to satisfy his needs. (Which you know is not realistic. And if he wants to see other people that is still not solved even if you crank up your libido to daily+. You cannot turn yourself into more partners. You are not magic.)

We try to make it work, end up starting a family together, and then 10 years down the road decide it isn't working. We end up heart broken and have now involved children in the mix.

Which is why I think you have to be honest and address it NOW and not just kick the can further down the road and avoiding talking it out.

This is why I say to keep being emotionally honest. Rather than bend yourselves into pretzels and get all wacky? You both may have to accept that you guys are not actually the right fit for a long haul relationship + children. You are opposites. Initially compatible maybe, but no. Not deeply compatible.

I do not know why you married your polar opposite. But you did, and it sounds like it pinches now.

So perhaps the kindest thing to save BOTH the people is talk super honest. And maybe part ways peacefully rather than try weird "solutions" that end up building resentments, bringing kids into a messy situation, or have outside dating partners become "damage collatoral" in a messy situation just like the theoretical kids.

Other people should not be hurt because you and him didn't want to talk honest and face problems head on at the beginning. Right?

Be brave, keep talking about next steps.

But rather than trying to "get ok with it" if you are really NOT ok with it?

Be more honest with yoruself and him and state your position. "No. I am actually NOT ok with it, and it's no good to pretend like I am or will be any time soon. We may need to change the conversation from "next steps for how to do non-mongamy" to "next steps being how to part ways with dignity and respect." "

Nobody wants to break up like "Whee! Let's make cookies!"

But honest and sad about it is at least respectful to both. Signing up for a long road of wacky hinky weird + resentments + other people maybe getting hurt? That doesn't sound respectful to anybody to me.

He's being up front with you. You could be up front back. Don't wimp out. Lean into it, talk, and sort what needs sorting. That would be my suggestion.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[user1234]

First, thank you for your response. I'm sorry in advance if I mis-use the quote function, this is my first time posting in forums.

There's another option where you don't have to do non-monogamy that you might not be ok with. And he doesn't have to cheat on any agreements. Instead? You could both be honest with yourselves and with each other about wanting different things in life and you agree to part ways respectfully. Sometimes the last loving act a couple does is just that -- let it go with respect. That might be the last thing you want to think about, esp if going through the stages of grief and coming to terms still. Yet... still a choice on the table.

Yes, divorce is an option and I understand that. What I was trying to get at is how do I TRY to learn to be OK before ending our marriage because I *might* not be able to get on board. How do I figure out if I can if I don't try?


Why did you marry your husband? Who you say is your complete opposite?

I guess my basic answer is opposites attract? We are opposites but it's worked out well other than this particular piece. He pushes me out of my comfort zone to be more social (which is healthy!) He is very loving and understanding; moreso than anyone I've ever met. He's the first person in my life who hasn't treated me like I'm damaged because I have anxiety and depression, and he enjoys my reasonable, calm personality. We love each other, and we've built a life together that we enjoy. Is sex-life a legitimate reason for getting divorce when everything else in the marriage aligns?

So can't you guys continue to be honest with each other? Why bend yourselves into pretzels? He is not your cheating exes from the past. He's being honest with you. Be honest back.

If you changed your mind what you are up for? That's allowed. You can change your mind. You are the one in charge of your willingness to do things. But be honest back since he's being honest with you. He cannot be a mind reader. Don't wimp out just because it's hard conversation.

I have been honest with him. Everything I mentioned in OP is from our conversation together. We came up with these scenarios together. My problem is I'm being honest saying "I'm not sure I'm ok with this" but I don't know how to either A.) Get to be ok with it or B.) Know 100% I will never be ok with it.

And for him? If that means he wants non-monogamy at some point in his life? And you don't? You guys want different things from life. Can be exes and friends, but not spouses.

All the things you list below sound like "save the marriage" solutions to me rather than "save the people." MAybe you were caught by surprise because you thought all was going fine. Maybe you are in stages of grief. Maybe a combo.

I could understand that. But I think you need to be ok thinking about the people more than the marriage paper continuing uninterrupted by a divorce paper. I see a lot of people all "save the marriage!" but the marriage doesn't actually need saving. It the PEOPLE that need to be healthy and doing well. Sometimes they work it out and the marriage can continue. Other times not. But to squish into an ill-fitting marriage just to not end the marriage? That's not good for the people. YKWIM?

I understand what you are saying. I guess my struggle is that our marriage is "perfect" in every way but this. We are happy. He communicated to me that he would 100% rather have sex with me than someone else, it's simply his sex drive that makes him want to look elsewhere, not the desire to experience something new (although I'm sure that's a perk.) It's not that I'm afraid of divorcing on paper. It's that if I can make this work I want to. If this marriage doesn't work, then no marriage ever will, and I mean that in the best possible way. We communicate when we have problems instead of fighting, we discuss things with each other to make sure we're on the same page. We enjoy spending time together and have similar life goals and ambition. We don't have problems in marriage other than this (but I know this is a big one.)

Let him enjoy other women and learn to be ok with it. This risks me not being able to emotionally get on board, and then our marriage is over as we know it. ( Are you in the habit of agreeing to things when not actually on board? If so? Learn to stop doing that. That behavior is not treating you well.

I'm pretty good at communicating how I feel, the problem is I don't know how I'll feel forever. Again, how do I end a relationship just because it might not work out later on? At the same time, is it better to end it now because of that possibility to avoid dragging little ones into the mix?

You do a marriage of convenience. (Is this what you always dreamed of for your marriage? A marriage of convenience?

No, it's not, but it could work. Every man I've ever been with has cheated, except my husband. If we get along in every other way imaginable, then maybe this is the answer? I'd rather have a husband who loves me and is upfront/honest than be hurt by cheating again.

You know roomies can do that? Or friends? You do not HAVE to be married to share loving feelings, share money, take trips together, etc.

True. At this point we're already married though, so why go through divorce if we're going to do all of that?

Which is why I think you have to be honest and address it NOW and not just kick the can further down the road and avoiding talking it out.

To be clear, we are not avoiding this topic. We're talking about it, but it's just going in circles because I can't make up my mind.

I do not know why you married your polar opposite. But you did, and it sounds like it pinches now.

Again to be clear, opposites has been a good thing. Introverts are attracted to extroverts; it's actually pretty common. Just because I don't like going out every night doesn't mean I don't enjoy going out occasionally. We are happy when we spend time together.

But rather than trying to "get ok with it" if you are really NOT ok with it?

I don't know that I'm phrasing that right. I guess it's more "How do I know I will never be ok with it" kind of thing. If I can get over the pit-in-my-stomach feeling that comes from an emotional place, I am already logically on board. Kind of mind-vs-heart. Make sense?

GL!
Galagirl

 

[Vicki82]

I agree with Leetah that you guys can take this very slowly. There's no urgency for either of you to find other partners right this moment. Why not take some time and process things for yourself, sit with the idea, do some research, and see how things feel over time.

Just because he feels things right now doesn't mean that he has to do things right now.

 

[user1234]

I agree with Leetah that you guys can take this very slowly. There's no urgency for either of you to find other partners right this moment. Why not take some time and process things for yourself, sit with the idea, do some research, and see how things feel over time.

Just because he feels things right now doesn't mean that he has to do things right now.

How long though? We originally broached this topic very early on in our relationship, probably 3 months or so. We've been together for about 5 years now and I still don't know. How long do I give it before I give up? I don't want to rush into divorce only to find out later that I could be fine with it, but I also don't want to string him along.

 

[GalaGirl]

we were happy (I thought) with just the two of us

And was he happy? Or not happy in that time and you just didn't know?

We originally broached this topic very early on in our relationship, probably 3 months or so. We've been together for about 5 years now and I still don't know. How long do I give it before I give up?

YOU decide how long to give it. If it's been 5 years and you think that is enough time to decide if you really want to spend your life with this person? All you can go by is information up to date.

If it is not sounding like a "joyous yes" thing for you from info up to date? Don't avoid having the conversations just because it feel hard.

If you just don't want it? Be honest about that. Don't string him along. Then he makes his next choice from there.

If you want to postpone and try to get your head around it? If he's willing to wait and see? Then that is his own choice, and he cannot resent you for making his own choice. And on your end, if you both agree to postpone decisions for a another year or whatever? Actually do the work to educate yourself in that time. Not just "I'll get around to it when it actually becomes pressing."

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

https://www.morethantwo.com/

Are just a few starting places. There are many more.

If he is not willing to wait some more? Then he isn't. It may be you guys are no longer compatible.

If you are not willing to do the work and educate yourself? Or you educate and it just confirms that this isn't something you want? It may be you guys are no longer compatible.

If right now you cannot and later on you find out you can handle it THEN? That's future stuff to be dealt with THEN with your future partners. You cannot base today decisions on uncertain future stuff. So don't let your mind run all over the place. I grey this part out. Stay in the PRESENT moment and deal with what is actually in front of you.

I encourage you two to talk HONESTLY with the info you have to date and you guys decide what you want to do.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello user1234,

Let me just ask you a simple question (or is it simple): What is it about your husband flirting, texting, and being intimate with someone else that bothers you? You said you are naturally a monogamous person. Can you be more specific about what it is about nonmonogamy that rubs you the wrong way? Does all nonmonogamy rub you the wrong way, or just nonmonogamy with this particular man?

Can you describe what it's like for you when your husband flirts, texts, and is intimate with someone else? What does that feel like? Is it a thought, or a feeling, or both? What part of your body do you feel it in? Your answers will help me to assist you in finding out whether you can be okay with this ... and if so, how to get there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[icesong]

How long though? We originally broached this topic very early on in our relationship, probably 3 months or so. We've been together for about 5 years now and I still don't know. How long do I give it before I give up? I don't want to rush into divorce only to find out later that I could be fine with it, but I also don't want to string him along.

I mean the thing is, you can't 100% know that you'll be ok with it, until you do it. You can thought-experiment all you want, but it's not the same as actually opening up your relationship - and even then what you feel at the beginning of doing so may be WILDLY different than what you feel after you've done it for a while.

I say this only because you're doubtful of your response on this - if you were 100% or even 75% sure, I'd say don't try. But you're 50/50 so ... the math the way I see it is "if there's a 100% chance this relationship will end if we don't try this, and a 50/50 if we do, and *otherwise we're happy*, it's worth seeing what happens. Not the same as the clichéd "relationship broken add more people", which I don't *think* this is.

(How to know if it's "relationship broken add more people"? well, do you feel loved despite your lack of sex? does he? do you communicate well? etc etc etc)

 

[dingedheart]

I think the approach that you and your husband are taking on this is typical for newbies but also seriously misguided. And believe me you’re not along most newbies and myself included thought that opening the marriage would be the same relationship with new elements and situations to get use to or work out. BUT its really NOT. What’s closer to the truth is the old marriage is dead and gone and it’s going to be replaced with some new and different sometimes very different. No me really wraps their heads around this. Spend some time read on the forum and you’ll see how quickly things evolve and change.

It’s not to say you can’t build something better than what you had but it’s virtually to have the old marriage or relationship.

Summary: My husband wants a non-monogamous relationship because I can't keep up with his sex drive. He doesn't want another relationship, only sex. I'm a bi-sexual who finds the idea of non-monogamy appealing, but am naturally a monogamous person. How do I learn to be OK with him flirting, texting, and being intimate with someone else?

TODAY he doesn’t want another relationship. Go back into the forum and research that idea and see how many fail at keeping feeling out of it. So in short be prepared for this to change in a moments notice. This sounds negative but really it’s one of the most common occurrences.

And on the flip side how comfortable would he be if you had a full blown poly relationship with another partner ? Having this boomerang come back and smack the partner you pushed for it in the beginning is also a common topic for threads here.

The long story:
My husband and I talked about the possibility of a polyamorous relationship with a girlfriend for both of us before we were married, but since it's so rare to find a woman who is interested in such and we were happy (I thought) with just the two of us, we kind of left it to "We'll cross that bridge if the opportunity presents itself" category. Well, the other night the opportunity presented itself (sort of). He was out with friends, I was at home playing video games because I'm an introvert and didn't want to go out two nights in a row. He text me because a beautiful woman had joined the table and was flirting with him; he text me "New wrinkle. I was ferociously hit on by a woman you would enjoy. Please advise. This is what we planned for!" Obviously he was excited, but I had a pit in my stomach. We typically have a pretty decent sex life, but the past couple weeks have been off because life and my sex drive just hasn't been there. (To be fair, I think our sex life is decent 2-3 times a week, but my husband would prefer daily+).

He would prefer sex daily. Again today that’s sounds like a volume or frequency issue what happens when he prefers sex with a specific person and that person isn’t you. The politically correct answer on that is the sex “ different “ not better not worse but different. BUT IMO that’s very rare in reality. We all know who was our better sex partners and if asked most people could rate their lovers no one says they’re all pretty much all the same.

He asked to fly solo, and that hurt but I understood since obviously I can't give him what he needs. We had a conversation where I basically said I don't know. Either way the answer was going to change our relationship; if I said yes to please him, I may not be able to be ok with it and it ruins our marriage. Or, I say no and he starts doing things behind my back, which is the absolute last thing I want to happen. He said he was coming home, respecting my "I don't know" as a "No" but then some drama happened with the friends he was with and he ended up staying a little longer.

Good for you for realizing either way the relationship will change.

The mention of drama brings up a very significant point. Opening a marriage is a big fat invitation for drama to enter your life how are you in dealing with that ??

After a half hour or so, he tried to ask to sleep with her again; "The girl 'E' is being very respectful and I'm doing my best. Can we discuss?" I tried to be very open with how I was feeling: I've always been a monogamous person. I've never dated two people at the same time, even casually. I don't want other people when I'm in a relationship, and I know that is very rare, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around this. Threesomes are different because it'd be something we're doing together and it's a once in a blue moon thing. Thinking of you grabbing another woman's butt when I'm not around bothers me. I'm not saying no. Open marriages make some couples perfectly happy, I'm just not sure if I'll regret it later if I say go for it. When my exes cheated, all I could think about was the intimacy they were sharing with someone else; it made me feel disconnected. This is different than cheating because you're being upfront with me, which I greatly appreciate, but I don't know what the right answer is.

To me his first play of accepting the I don’t know as NO and coming home was smart and respectful. The not coming home and continuing to work the chick and thus work you was a dick move. The point he made went back negative. He was up 2 to being down 1.

I asked him to realistically think about our life and what would happen if I said no to a non-monogamous relationship. Would he end up cheating or resenting me 5, 10, 20 years from now? He answered honestly: probably. That leads us to a few outcomes:

I’d add what would be his vision for his dating and extracurriculars. How many dates nights would he require?

We try to make it work, end up starting a family together, and then 10 years down the road decide it isn't working. We end up heart broken and have now involved children in the mix.

Have you 2 discussed what would happen if he got another women pregnant?

The ultimate ideal is I learn to love this arrangement. However, I'm scared of trying, learning I can't, and then resenting my husband for something he can't control. I am not good at pretending; once I feel distant from someone, it's apparent and that would only hurt him if I started pulling away, refusing hugs, etc. How do I figure out how to be OK with this situation before actually jeopardizing my relationship by trying it out?

I’d say trust your gut and what your preference would be. Some people think the negative emotions are some game to be overcome and that game is called growth. I personally think those thoughts and feeling are alarm bells to be acknowledged not ignored or played with.

 

[Magdlyn]

Unmatching libidos are an extremely common problem in marriages, or monogamous relationships. Heck, even if you're poly, no matter how many relationships you are juggling, there is no guarantee of daily sex, much less more than once daily.

Many people need to cum every day. Most people, unless they are very lucky, deal with this by masturbating as necessary. Generally, the younger a man (or teen boy) is, the more often he needs a release. Most men slow down in this desire as they age. Or if they were a teen who needed to cum multiple times a day, the desire decreases to once a day by their 30s and 40s.

As a woman, my desire increased in my early 40s. (This is quite common.) That didn't necessarily mean I suddenly felt like going on the prowl to line up sex partners for every day of the week. I had kids, I had responsibilities, I had commitments.

So, your husband could make do with sex with you 2-3 times a week, and masturbate otherwise to release the pressure. That is what many or most people do, even polyamorous or polysexual ones. If you did agree to give it a go and Open the relationship, there's no guarantee he'd suddenly find another person, or several people, to give him sex every day or multiple times a day! That is just not realistic. Finding sex partners, or actually fucking them, means he would be out 4 or 5 nights a week, hunting and then hoping someone says yes.

And as dingedheart mentions, even if your h thinks he just wants sex partners, feelings often do come into the picture. There are few people who can fuck with absolutely no feelings, whether at first, or developing over a few dates. Swingers who swing as couples put rules in place to decrease the chances of feelings developing. No mouth kissing, little to no eye contact, no non sexual dates, very little texting except to just set up the sex date, definite pregnancy termination if there's an accident, no co-parenting. Hopping out of bed as soon as enough orgasms occur, no cuddling. Get out of bed, get dressed, leave. Some even only will fuck another if their spouse is actually in the room, keeping an eye on the emotional intimacy levels.

If you agree/consent to an Open relationship, everything is going to change. Your h will either find one person who is eager to fuck at least twice a week, or attempt to have a harem of women, opening himself up to more risk of contracting a STD.

I have been poly for over 10 years. And prior to that, I was married for 3 decades. My ex h and I had a few periods where our sex drives matched, and we were having daily sex for months. But that waxed and waned.

After we split, and I was "single" and poly, I have had periods where I had 2 or 3 lovers at a time. I could have sex with one of them twice a week, and sex with one or two of the others 3 or 4 other days. Sometimes I'd have sex with 2 partners in a day, but not together. One in the morning, one in the evening. But again, this wasn't a permanent solution. It might last a few months, or a year, but was not a guarantee of daily sex for me forever. The emotional task was draining. Sometimes masturbation is just quicker and easier.

Dating is work! It takes lots and lots of time. Effort. Money sometimes (like if your h is constantly going to bars, drinking, buying women drinks).

I would not breed with a man whose priority is daily sex, no matter where he gets it. Besides the health risks, what's he going to do when you're pregnant and maybe lose all your sex drive for months at a time? Or caring for an infant/toddler who isn't sleeping through the night, is teething, you haven't had more than 4 hours of broken sleep a day in months, and you're feeling touched out? My ex and I had 3 kids in 5 years. I was a stay at home mom, and I was exhausted by their needs. I loved being a mom, but their needs came first. My sex life was not a priority.

Rather than desperately texting you from the bar giving you a play by play of how someone caught his eye and is flirting, and you trying to make a decision from home (!), this needs careful deeply soul searching negotiation. I wouldn't trust him to do this properly, safely, respectfully, unless he reads a lot about how to do polyamory or polysexuality. Until he understands the sheer amount of time he'd have to spend pursuing his goal of a female to cum dump in every single day, or more than once a day.

 

[GalaGirl]

Is sex-life a legitimate reason for getting divorce when everything else in the marriage aligns?

Yes. Because life is long. If you Google top reasons people break up? Sex and money problems are right on up there.

My problem is I'm being honest saying "I'm not sure I'm ok with this" but I don't know how to either A.) Get to be ok with it or B.) Know 100% I will never be ok with it.

You tell him that and ask him if he's willing to wait and for how long if he is. (Cuz it's been 5 years already. He might not want to wait more.)

In the end, the only person who can answer introspective things is YOU.

I know “black and white yer or no” decisions are easier, but consider quality of life. If you are 60% ok with it, alright. That leans more to “yes” than “no.” But is that a good quality relationship to be in? Where 40% of the time you are all ugh about it? Probably not. You don't have to be at 100% ok, but I would guess it would have to be pretty high for it to feel "ok enough."

Another way to make decisions is "joyous yes." If you are struggling this much with it, it is fair to say it is NOT a joyous yes at this time. So could count it as a "working no."

Hell yes! -- that's YES.
------------
"Well, if you want to" yes? That's a no.
"I want to say yes but..." that's a no.
"I'm not sure" -- that's a no
"I can't tell if I will become ok with it later." -- that's a no
I don't think so -- that's a no
No, thanks -- that's a no.
Hell no! -- that's a no.

I guess my struggle is that our marriage is "perfect" in every way but this. We are happy. He communicated to me that he would 100% rather have sex with me than someone else, it's simply his sex drive that makes him want to look elsewhere, not the desire to experience something new

He can't figure out how to manage his sex drive?

Is he not willing to look and appreciate beauty in the world but not actually pursue?

Is he not willing to masturbate to take the edge off?

Has he had a check up? Sometimes people's hormones are off – too high, too low, not working right, etc.

Not everyone is partnered. It's not like sex is an entitlement. Single people with no partners? They figure out how to take the edge off. Married people are the same -- sometimes they have to figure out how to take the edge off too. Can't go humping everything in sight.

If this marriage doesn't work, then no marriage ever will, and I mean that in the best possible way.

Are you saying that you believe that if this marriage doesn't work out, no marriage will ever work out for you? Why such a self limiting belief? And why putting THIS marriage on such a high pedestal?

We communicate when we have problems instead of fighting, we discuss things with each other to make sure we're on the same page. We enjoy spending time together and have similar life goals and ambition. We don't have problems in marriage other than this (but I know this is a big one.)

Which is why love alone, getting along well alone – these things alone are not enough for DEEP compatibility. It is a combination of MANY things that make people deeply compatible. There's plenty of posts on here from couples who are "perfect together except this one thing." But it's a big thing.

If one wants non-monogamy and the other wants monogamy? Those are incompatible wants.

I'm pretty good at communicating how I feel, the problem is I don't know how I'll feel forever. Again, how do I end a relationship just because it might not work out later on? At the same time, is it better to end it now because of that possibility to avoid dragging little ones into the mix?

To me? Anxiety is solved by making a firm decision. Going around in circles just spins more anxiety.

If you end it, and later get ok with it? And you are practicing non-monogamy? Nothing stops you from getting back together again, you know. In non-monogamy, polyamory? More than 1 partner can happen.

Or you decide you need more info first. You decide to try sharing his attention for 6 mos / a year. (But no having children right now.)

I could be wrong in my impression. But it's been 5 years, and you cannot be sitting in the fence on it forever since he says he will eventually grow resentful like that. And you don't want to string him along and you also don't want to bring kids into the mix if this isn't gonna pan out. If he isn't gonna be the father to your kids because of this incompatibility and you still want kids? Fence sitting doesn't help you move on to date and find a new husband/father for kids.

So either DECIDE that you do not want this. And let the chips fall where they may -- he decides he still prefers nonmonogamy or he decides to let that go.

Or decide you need more information and will try to nonmonogamy for a period of time. To see if you can get ok with it in time or not.

Then you have an answer either way.

Me? I would not want to have babies with someone who is mismatched sexually. It matters to me, and I'm not gonna be up for daily+ sex while pregnant, in early childhood, etc. I'm also not gonna be thrilled if my spouse is spending tons of time dating to find other sex partners and not really helping with coparenting. It's intense during active parenting.

I wonder if you are in paralysis right now because of that belief above – like if you cannot make THIS marriage work, then NO marriage will ever work for you? So you are loathe to just make a choice? So go around in circles? Is that it?

Or maybe also partly in the bargaining stage of grief? Like still trying to find a way to make it work out?

Every man I've ever been with has cheated, except my husband. If we get along in every other way imaginable, then maybe this is the answer? I'd rather have a husband who loves me and is upfront/honest than be hurt by cheating again.

I guess we think different because my first reaction was “Who are you hanging out with? Seek better company! I'm sure spouse is great, but he's not the ONLY guy in the world who is a non-cheater."

Are you saying you are going to participate in a non-monogamous model even though you don't really want it just to stay married to this husband because you think if this marriage doesn't work out, then you will never have a chance at marriage again? And what you get back for compromising what you value (monogamy) is that he's basically nice and a not a cheater?

I guess you can do that if that's what you want.

You know roomies can do that? Or friends? You do not HAVE to be married to share loving feelings, share money, take trips together, etc.

True. At this point we're already married though, so why go through divorce if we're going to do all of that?

I thought you wanted kids? And don't want to drag them through it if it ends up NOT being compatible?

I assumed you were wanting to have kids while married. So if he's not the person to be married to and have the kids with? That's why you would break up. (Not necessarily this minute. ) So you are free to date and seek a new partner who does want to be married/have kids in the same way you want. Someone who shares the same family vision.

To be clear, we are not avoiding this topic. We're talking about it, but it's just going in circles because I can't make up my mind.

So make up your mind so the circles can stop. Get off the fence.

I don't know that I'm phrasing that right. I guess it's more "How do I know I will never be ok with it" kind of thing. If I can get over the pit-in-my-stomach feeling that comes from an emotional place, I am already logically on board. Kind of mind-vs-heart. Make sense?

If this gives you “pit in the stomach” you have to assess the severity.

To me growth happens at the edges of the comfort zone. But it could be a stretch – like “comfortable uncomfortable.“ If something feels WAY out there, pit of doom in the stomach, UNCOMFORTABLE uncomfortable? Then I don't do it. It's too much. And I have a healthy sense of self-preservation and aversion to whack-a-doo. I avoid stress/anxiety in my life. I have enough going on without EXTRA load.

So again... YOU are the only one who can decide what you are and are not up for at this time.

You could make a decision based on present information and your current pit in stomach feelings and say "No. This is not a joyous yes for me. It's gonna be NO." Then let the chips fall where they may.

You could decide today's info is not enough and you want more data. You could say “I need more info. Let's try for X mos and see what it's actually like and if I can learn to get past this. Then make final decision on _____ date." And get yourself educated and a counselor lined up to help you process.

But before you go there? Separate finances and all that ahead of time. Just in case you DO go there, and it doesn't pan out.

Because smack in the middle of breaking up sadness is NOT the time to finally get to to making the emergency plan. Best if it was already made, and you just have to pull the cord if needed.

People don't just jump out of planes. They put a parachute on first.

Galagirl

 

[Avoidant]

I’m thinking that jumping into polyamory would be really hard for you. Mainly because he would be in various relationships and you’d be left behind. I’m on my third year of poly and I still hate it at times. It makes my husband happy, but I’ve always felt less than when it comes to his GF.

Have you considered “swinging”? There are so many fabulous people in the Lifestyle. I know so many couples who come to parties and only one of the spouses plays with other people. The low-libido spouse makes great friendships, enjoys a little flirting but doesn’t actually have sex with others much. But they are still there...they are still a part of a spousal “team”, even as their spouse enjoys having sex at various events. Swinging would allow you to meet your husbands play partners, even become friends with them. Also, most of those women would be in committed marriages....so it truly is only sex and no emotions for the majority of people in the Lifestyle.
I know people unfamiliar with the Lifestyle don’t understand how many different ways there are to “swing”. It’s not just 2 couples “swapping”. It would allow your hubby to have a LOT of sex and require little for you to give up.

 

[Vicki82]

I’m thinking that jumping into polyamory would be really hard for you. Mainly because he would be in various relationships and you’d be left behind. I’m on my third year of poly and I still hate it. It makes my husband happy, but I’ve always felt less than when it comes to his GF.

Have you considered “swinging”? There are so many fabulous people in the Lifestyle. I know so many couples who come to parties and only one of the spouses plays with other people. The low-libido spouse makes great friendships, enjoys a little flirting but doesn’t actually have sex with others much. But they are still there...they are still a part of a spousal “team”, even as their spouse enjoys having sex at various events. Swinging would allow you to meet your husbands play partners, even become friends with them. Also, most of those women would be in committed marriages....so it truly is only sex and no emotions for the majority of people in the Lifestyle.
I know people unfamiliar with the Lifestyle don’t understand how many different ways there are to “swing”. It’s not just 2 couples “swapping”. It would allow your hubby to have a LOT of sex and require little for you to give up.

If I may ask- if you actively hate polyamory after 3 years and feel like less than your husband's girlfriend, why do it? That sounds like a really unhealthy way for you to live.

Just to toss in my $0.02 regarding swinging, but it seems like it's a totally different culture and expectations than polyamory. My husband and I occasionally frequent swingers' clubs since we consider ourselves both open and poly, and while they are fun, they really are only satisfying if you are looking for that specific type of dynamic that is very casual and sex only. Ultimately, while I enjoy it, it wouldn't fulfill my emotional needs. I don't think swinging is a substitute for polyamory unless all you want is only sex.

Also- it's not like you can't meet your spouse's partners and become friends in polyamory. My husband and boyfriend get along like peas and carrots and they met through me

It is true though that hotwife couples would very much enjoy a couple where the man chooses to play and the woman does not- that fills a specific niche that is often problematic at swing clubs since a lot of people do insist on full swap only.

 

[Avoidant]

My hubby and I originally started swinging together. He then found a regular play partner, they fell in love, and now I’m on my own as far as the Lifestyle is concerned. It didn’t happen overnight, and he discussed it with me. So now, I play alone and am “single” at events. I have had a relationship, but it was never as serious as my husband’s. I am friends with his GF. But we do everything together....all social events, most vacations, etc. so I’m always the third wheel. They would be happy if I could find a new BF, but I really don’t want to. In the meantime, I go to therapy to deal with my more negative emotions when they arise.
I suggested the LS, because the OP’s hubby sounds like he’s more into “just sex” than wanting another relationship. And you are right...people at clubs want a full swap...but at house parties, most of our friends play separately from their spouse. Some couples even set up play dates separately without getting emotions involved. We’ve been in so long that we have really close friendships and don’t even go to clubs any longer. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that they could be in the LS social world and he could get his needs met and she wouldn’t feel all the doubts of polyamory and be home alone while he’s out with others.

Once she lets him date, chances are he’ll get serious with someone else. And that’s something you can’t put back in the box. She can’t just ask him to stop loving someone.

 

[Magdlyn]

My hubby and I originally started swinging together. He then found a regular play partner, they fell in love, and now I’m on my own as far as the Lifestyle is concerned. It didn’t happen overnight, and he discussed it with me. So now, I play alone and am “single” at events. I have had a relationship, but it was never as serious as my husband’s. I am friends with his GF. But we do everything together....all social events, most vacations, etc. so I’m always the third wheel. They would be happy if I could find a new BF, but I really don’t want to. In the meantime, I go to therapy to deal with my more negative emotions when they arise.

I suggested the LS, because the OP’s hubby sounds like he’s more into “just sex” than wanting another relationship. And you are right...people at clubs want a full swap...but at house parties, most of our friends play separately from their spouse. Some couples even set up play dates separately without getting emotions involved. We’ve been in so long that we have really close friendships and don’t even go to clubs any longer. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that they could be in the LS social world and he could get his needs met and she wouldn’t feel all the doubts of polyamory and be home alone while he’s out with others.

Once she lets him date, chances are he’ll get serious with someone else. And that’s something you can’t put back in the box. She can’t just ask him to stop loving someone.

Avoidant, your h apparently fell in love with a swing partner. So much for "no feelings."

By the way, just because your h has a gf doesn't mean you have to grudgingly do all date activities with her along! Jeez! In a V, both dyads need one on one couple time.

Why feel like a 3rd wheel? Isn't the gf just as much a 3rd wheel? Does she get MORE attention on your constant 3way dates than you do?

Why seethe and resent all this, when you could just create a guideline that you get one on one dates and vacations enough to feel appreciated and valued? And the gf can get her own one on one dates and vacations. And IF all 3 of you enjoy it, you could have occasional 3way dates.

Hasn't your therapist ever suggested this?

My gf has a bf of 6 years, and we have only gone to a party or two together. And at one of those parties, I had a bf of my own along!

My gf would prefer to do more as a threesome, and I would like a bit more of it too, but her bf isn't interested, so we don't do it. And it's fine, really.

 

[PinkPig]

I agree with Mags. In my 6+ years, the only time I had 3 way dates and vacations was when I was in a triad. I've met very few of my partners' partners. While I like the idea of kitchen table poly and even a poly household, reality is that it only works with some partners and metas.

Even when I was in a triad, most of our dates were in pairs.

As for the OP, I agree with icesong that it may be better to try it out rather than just keep kicking the can down the road. That way you know one way or another whether this relationship will work. Before you start though, I would discuss plans for a peaceful dissolution in the event poly doesn't work for you. And, like Galagirl says, already have finances separated, to the extent possible, prior to opening. I think it's possible to work on anxieties, fears, and jealousies...and even to be a mono partner to a poly person. I don't, however, think it's possible to make someone who is inherently monogamous (and desirous of a mono relationship) be genuinely happy in a poly arrangement. Staying in an ill-fitting relationship long-term will eventually result in resentments and pain for all parties, in my experience.