How do you handle crushes when you are polysaturated?

M

MsEmotional

Member
What do you all do when you don’t have space for another partner....but have a crush on someone? Especially when there is mutual interest?

Do you....

Ignore it? Suppress it?
Indulge in fantasy/crushing, but no more?
Negotiate a casual relationship?
Wait for a time when your life is less crowded (job change, relationship change, etc)?
Make time/space in your life for the new person?

And how do you even know — for sure — when you are actually polysaturated?

The answer when monogamous is simple — once partnered, then your love life is saturated until you break up with that person. If you have a crush, you ignore it....or cheat....or break up with your current partner. But if you are polyamorous and have no desire to break up with any of your current partners...but find yourself sweating a new person, what do you do? Love is infinite, but time and resources are not...so what do you do when your desire to connect with new people is not matched with a desire to end any of your current connections?

I’m almost three years into polyamory and have settled in with my relationships — they seem to be getting better everyday. But I spent 10 years in a monogamous relationship — which I had entered as a virgin — and so opening up my marriage was a chance to experience new love, dating....three years in, with a full and busy life, am I done with new love and dating unless something changes with one of my current relationships? It feels like in polyamory, serial
monogamy must just get replaced with a cycle of dating-NRE-polysaturation-breakup-dating.....

What patterns have others found for dealing with ongoing desire for new connections?
 
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I ignore it. I have no time or resources for another partner.

I do not even entertain the idea by flirting with others. I do not want to lead someone on who is hoping for moe.
 
I think I'm most likely to work on a non-entangled relationship with that person - in some ways that's what I'm doing with my current femme flirtation; we're both very busy and so we enjoy the time we spend together / texts we exchange but both totally acknowledge that there's not a lot of space in either of our lives for it to turn in to a Big Huge Thing right now. And that may not always be the case, but there's no rush to figure that out right this second.
 
I wouldn't want to take emotional bandwidth away from my existing relationships, so I'd probably just straight squelch it. Even the crushing/fantasizing is taking away time and emotional resources from the relationships I already have. They are my priority at the time. I would channel that energy into my connections with them.

I know I'm polysaturated when the idea of giving up any more of my unstructured time is taking away from my personal downtime that I need to recharge. Things always come up and will take up more time than planned, so if I am always scheduled or close to it, then I'm already past my limit.

For me, that's no more than two relationships where I am emotionally invested. I want to have time and energy if a partner is having a crisis and needs extra time, or if I want to spend more time with a hobby or a friend, or if there's additional life stuff that needs attending to. If I have no time for the random things that come up without eating into my downtime, that's too much.

No matter how exciting a new person can be, more than two relationships means I am shortchanging myself and everyone I'm involved with. I am sure some people can handle more, and maybe spend less time with each partner. But for me it's not just the time spent but the thought and emotional energy I put into each relationship. I don't think that is fair or reasonable.
 
Like Vicki, I am polysaturated at two relationships. For me it's both the time and the emotional energy that limits me. When I'm polysaturated, I may still flirt but I hold the person at arms length.... meaning I don't engage in frequent contact or make plans with them. Instead, I pour that energy back into my existing relationships.

If I could have a casual FWB situation where i saw the person infrequently and could not invest much emotional or mental energy on them between visits, I'd do that. Unfortunately, I'm not. Either the desire fades quickly or I find myself wanting more than I can manage very quickly and that's far more painful for me then just not engaging.
 
I consider myself saturated - a nesting relationship, a long term borderline long distance partner, jobs, and a kid are all the real responsibilities I can handle.

On the rare occasion I feel myself clicking with someone, I am VERY upfront about my limitations. I also hold myself to keeping my boundaries for self care time and making sure little girl has me as much as she needs. Which some weeks is not much in the evenings(we're together all day anyway) but can easily become I can't be more than 6 inches away when she's feeling off.

So... I flirt. I tell them how much I'd love to have time. I might find time to meet irl a time or two. But I'm never surprised when it fizzles out because I have other priorities. Right now I've accepted that I'm in a stage of my life where connections need to be family friendly (aka kitchen table poly) or extremely sporadic/ mostly via text.
 
Depending on ... a lot of factors ... I may cut off contact to let feelings fade. Unless I'm willing to have my life turned upside down, it's not a good idea to "fall in love".
 
If my plate is full? I enjoy the crush while it lasts. Not do anything about it. Just let it fade away on its own over time from lack of action on it.

How do I know I'm full? Well, there's my work, my kids, my spouse, my elders I have to help care for. Which means my friends get the short end of the stick a lot. They all are in the "sandwich" with me -- finishing raising kids with one hand and dealing with the elders on the other. So we all get it and forgive each other if things come up. But make no mistake - it's a drag to have to cancel on people or get canceled on.

I always try to leave a time slot open for emergencies. And the first slot I book is time for ME to recharge. I can't help anyone else with anything if I go around without a full tank of gas. If I booked every time slot I have on my schedule with various people and things? That running ME ragged. What for?

Really only you can answer when YOU are at full plate with what amount on your schedule. And only you can answer if in your dating you want to go wide and get to know lots of different people, or get to know fewer but more involved/entangled/invested. Or some kind of combo.

Love is infinite, but time and resources are not...
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Yup.

so what do you do when your desire to connect with new people is not matched with a desire to end any of your current connections?
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Be ok with the connections I already have and not add any more people. It would be spreading myself too thin and kinda "kid in a candy store" to me. Sometimes make a choice to drop one to a further ring away. They ALL cannot be in my innermost circle or ring.

Otherwise if I just keep dating more and more without ever letting any go? The quality of connection is gonna take a ding because there's only so many hours in a day on their end, and on my end? Same thing PLUS running me ragged.

That's not treating anyone well like that.

Galagirl
 
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I know when I'm polysaturated when I have absolutely zero interest in having a crush on anyone else. It's happened once, last year, until I discovered that the newest guy I was flirting with was simply too childish to continue contact with. After I broke it off, I had space again.
 
Re (from MsEmotional):
"And how do you even know -- for sure -- when you are actually polysaturated?"
Click to expand...

My personal theory is that if you have to ask, you're probably *not* polysaturated. Like if you *are* polysaturated, you feel flooded, like you say to yourself, "Whew! I am enjoying the partners I have, but I am quite sure that I couldn't handle any more." At that point, you give yourself some time to adjust, to figure out how to make room for everyone, but there's probably always going to be just enough stretch that you can say and feel with confidence, "I *know* I'm saturated." And once you can say that, you can look at the number of partners you have, and then say, "Well, that is my saturation number."

If it gets uncomfortable ... if you find yourself saying, "This is really too much, I'm dissatisfied with the lack of quality in my relationships, I wish I had one less ..." then, take note of the number of partners you (then at that time) have, subtract one, and that is your saturation number. You then know in the future to stick to that number, and to not go over it. True, in that sense there's a certain amount of trial and error, but once the process is complete, then you know, and you never have to repeat the error.
 
kdt26417 said:
Re (from MsEmotional):


My personal theory is that if you have to ask, you're probably *not* polysaturated. Like if you *are* polysaturated, you feel flooded, like you say to yourself, "Whew! I am enjoying the partners I have, but I am quite sure that I couldn't handle any more." At that point, you give yourself some time to adjust, to figure out how to make room for everyone, but there's probably always going to be just enough stretch that you can say and feel with confidence, "I *know* I'm saturated." And once you can say that, you can look at the number of partners you have, and then say, "Well, that is my saturation number."

If it gets uncomfortable ... if you find yourself saying, "This is really too much, I'm dissatisfied with the lack of quality in my relationships, I wish I had one less ..." then, take note of the number of partners you (then at that time) have, subtract one, and that is your saturation number. You then know in the future to stick to that number, and to not go over it. True, in that sense there's a certain amount of trial and error, but once the process is complete, then you know, and you never have to repeat the error.
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Hmmm....interesting. I think the trouble with this method is three-fold, though....

(1) it presupposes that you would need to try one more partner than your saturation point....and then you would have to break up with someone in order to go back down to your saturation point. So does that mean that everyone has to break someone’s heart in the name of identifying their saturation point?

(2) isn’t it likely that one’s polysaturation point would vary along with their other life factors (changing jobs, kids, etc)?

(3) I kind of doubt that polysaturation is just a number — it would have to vary depending on the intensity and needs of the people, right? So if I had 3 very serious relationships, I might feel saturated, but if in the future I had 3 casual relationships I might not feel saturated at all...
 
It sounds like you're giving Chameleon quite a bit of your time, attention, emotions and thoughts already. I'd suggest if you have that much energy to spend on him you're either not polysaturated or your other relationships are already having a little bit of time shaved off them to accommodate Chameleon. If no one is feeling a lack, and if you're not feeling overwhelmed and craving personal time just for yourself, then you're fine. This may only work as long distance flirty friends, but it's still another relationship imo. And one day it may turn physical, or romantic, or both, but for now, just enjoy the good fun feels.
 
MsEmotional said:
Hmmm....interesting. I think the trouble with this method is three-fold, though....

(1) it presupposes that you would need to try one more partner than your saturation point....and then you would have to break up with someone in order to go back down to your saturation point. So does that mean that everyone has to break someone’s heart in the name of identifying their saturation point?
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Nope, I suspect you'd know when you have no more time or energy to share with another person. If something meant that you felt like you had gone over that tipping point, I reckon it would be before it had even become a loving committed relationship.

(2) isn’t it likely that one’s polysaturation point would vary along with their other life factors (changing jobs, kids, etc)?
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Yep! But the only moment we ever live in is now.

(3) I kind of doubt that polysaturation is just a number — it would have to vary depending on the intensity and needs of the people, right? So if I had 3 very serious relationships, I might feel saturated, but if in the future I had 3 casual relationships I might not feel saturated at all...
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Oh totally. I dumped a guy partly because his escalating clinginess was impacting my other relationships, particularly with Adam. I haven't had a "serious" short distance since. I got pickier lol
 
This reminds me of when I first started poly. I wanted to date everyone I met...lol. It was almost like I had NRE for poly. Even when I had 5 partners of varying degrees. I didn't have much room left emotionally, but I still felt compelled to seek out others. But at some point I would look ahead and realize I wouldn't have enough to give. Then I realized being poly doesn't mean one has to keep pursuing new relationships.
 
I love animals especially parrots. The other day I went to get bird food and the pet store had a lovely little parrot.I already have one of the same species and love that particular kind a lot.

Of course I stopped and talked to her. The employees said she is shy and doesn't like strangers. That little bird lit up. She wanted my attention. I fell in love with her. But right now I do not have enough time for another.

Do I have room in my heart yes but not the time. I am gone for work 12 hours a day 5 days a week. I have other pets who need my time and attention. I have two teens who need me. I split my time between two households. Birds are toddlers who never grow up. They need hours upon hours of attention. It is cruel to lock them in a cage without proper attention. Luckily my little parrot loves my 17 yo most of all. Love may be infinite time is finite. It would not be fair to everyone for me to add another right now.

This is the same reason why I do not even entertain crushes. It would not be fair to Murf or Butch.
 
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MsEmotional said:
What do you all do when you don’t have space for another partner....but have a crush on someone? Especially when there is mutual interest?

Do you....

Ignore it? Suppress it?
Indulge in fantasy/crushing, but no more?
Negotiate a casual relationship?
Wait for a time when your life is less crowded (job change, relationship change, etc)?
Make time/space in your life for the new person ...
Click to expand...

You forgot one: Follow your heart.
 
Saturated

I am saturated. I also have a crush. Primary and I do things with crush and crushes spouse. Primary and I discuss it, recognize it. I won’t go there. I will keep the friendship as that is the most important to me.
 
I am always open to the possibility of another relationship but the fact is that I only rarely meet people that I am interested in pursuing even a friendship with. When I do, then I make time for them in my life. That being said, I consciously keep my outside obligations to an absolute minimum, so I have a lot of leeway as to how I choose to spend my time - and I am more likely to spend that time on the internet or re-reading old science fiction than meeting new people (which, for an introvert, is exhausting!).

Work is my primary time obligation. My boys are not particularly demanding. I tend to only have a few close friends that I spend any significant amount of time with. I don't have kids (which frees up a LOT of time and resources :p). The boys don't work outside of the house so I don't even have to worry about leaving the dog alone for too long. I have a few FWBs that I see very occasionally - some of these relationships span decades but the time investment may only add up to a few hours or days a few times a year. Same for my interactions with family.
 
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