How do you handle it when your partners argue with each other?

O

Opal

Member
My partner, B, and I have been together for 10 years and married for one. He has another partner, K, who he recently hand fasted with. We all live together in a V relationship.

B and I rarely disagree about much and when we do, we tend to be able to talk things out. I treasure and value calmness and kindness as I grew up with arguing and belittling behaviour.

K and B can get into real arguments and this makes me anxious. B calls K "fiery" . The arguments are often over silly things that I think could be settled with one party explaining the meaning of a comment rather than escalating. But it seems like they both need to "be right". Maybe the making up is worth the heated words?
I have told them that their fights make me queasy and they tend to keep the actual arguments away from me now. My problem is the miasma of unhappiness that is left behind for hours/days. My partner, B, is quiet and withdrawn after an argument. I do get that sometimes it takes a while for everyone to get over being mad.

I tend to keep to myself to let the two of them calm down. I have hobbies and there is always my library. For anyone that has more than one partner.... how do you not let the fallout from one relationship affect the others?
 
Hello Opal,

You seem to have a bit of an incompatibility here in that B and K like to argue with each other, but you don't like them to do that. You are in a shared relationship so like it or not, what they do is going to affect you. To me it seems that you are already doing what you can, you keep to yourself until they calm down, you have hobbies and a library to fall back on. I recommend you keep doing that, I mean what else is there? tell them that you forbid them to argue with each other? I have my doubts that they would go along with such a demand. They like to argue, that is the problem. You'll have to decide if that is a deal breaker for you, I assume that it's not.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Opal,

You seem to have a bit of an incompatibility here in that B and K like to argue with each other, but you don't like them to do that. You are in a shared relationship so like it or not, what they do is going to affect you. To me it seems that you are already doing what you can, you keep to yourself until they calm down, you have hobbies and a library to fall back on. I recommend you keep doing that, I mean what else is there? tell them that you forbid them to argue with each other? I have my doubts that they would go along with such a demand. They like to argue, that is the problem. You'll have to decide if that is a deal breaker for you, I assume that it's not.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
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I guess it just boggles the mind to think that some people like to argue. For me, it has been something to avoid at all costs! But, you may be correct. Fireworks attract some people!
 
I assume you all live together. This makes things really hard, if so. You will forever be affected by this dynamic when you don't want that in your life.

The bigger problem is, you are handling it now, but it will take a toll on your relationship. The hinge needs to realize that in poly everyone is affected, and fighting with one partner may result in a relationship ending with another.

All of my partners and I are on the same page when it comes to fighting, thankfully. We will not be in a relationship that negatively impacts other relationships. Space can be given for hard times but when they happen regularly it's a no go. That's a boundary I've had from day one of every relationship I get into. Difficult, yes, but essential in my life.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
 
I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's not acceptable that you have to live in a home that is not peaceful, or that there is tension that carries over on a regular basis. I read your other thread about the handfasting/wedding dates. It seems that there have been some push/pull dynamics between K and B that have affected you from that time period also.

Some thoughts-- I have been wondering how close you are to K as a friend/housemate. Do you simply tolerate each other, or would you consider each other friends? If you are not friends now, do you think you ever could be closer to her? It might make a difference to overall family harmony.
-- For example, in my situation, I have a deep friendship, love, and respect for my Sir's wife Meow, and she does for me. I am the newcomer to their family and we are still working things out, and arguments happen sometimes. Last week, Sir and I got into a heated argument. It affected Meow, because Sir's mood was bad on what was supposed to be their evening and night together. I felt horrible about this. I have made it a point to keep the peace both for my and Sir's sake, but also for Meow's sake. Sir has done the same for the same reason.
-- Meow and I are working to foster our own friendship with each other. We have some regular activities that we do together each week, and we text or use Marco Polo to talk to each other during the day.

Would you be comfortable if the three of you sat and talked about this issue together? About how it affects you?

Since B is the hinge, he's kinda the "head of the family" and has that greater role to manage the dynamics. He needs to realize that his arguments with K are affecting you, and therefore affecting all of you. He should be managing this better in my opinion, protecting your feelings from the drama he's having with K.
 
K and B can get into real arguments and this makes me anxious. B calls K "fiery" . The arguments are often over silly things that I think could be settled with one party explaining the meaning of a comment rather than escalating. But it seems like they both need to "be right". Maybe the making up is worth the heated words?
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Some people do want to "be right and win" more than they want to be in "right relationship." Some crave the stimulus or "excitement" of the fighting/making up.

I have told them that their fights make me queasy and they tend to keep the actual arguments away from me now. My problem is the miasma of unhappiness that is left behind for hours/days. My partner, B, is quiet and withdrawn after an argument. I do get that sometimes it takes a while for everyone to get over being mad.
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I might be wrong, but after the two weddings, is this like "same old song, different day?" Is K still territorial about the house?

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Is it that you three don't do well all living together under one roof? Would a duplex-type situation be better? The hinge can take turns living with each, and then you don't have to witness their fights or deal in the "aftermath" of them in your home. B can stay with K and do all that "miasma" stuff over there.

You aren't long married. You used to have your own calm space, but now you have this fighting stuff to witness, when you prefer this:

I treasure and value calmness and kindness, as I grew up with arguing and belittling behaviour.
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I can't tell if this is still shaking out, with the cohabitation, or if you just need to be NOT cohabitating.

Galagirl
 
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