Wedding ceremony and handfasting ceremony

Opal

New member
This whole situation sounds like a bit of a powder keg. Are you concerned about the longevity of your association with these people?

Having a third of my polycule experiencing what I would classify as some pretty intense feelings of jealousy and fear would be a big red flag to me. It sounds like you guys are already all living together which puts you elbows deep into this thing already, and getting married would seem to get you even more encumbered.

If it really is just a residency issue, maybe you guys can figure out a way to get you into a guest room so they can have their marriage and you can continue to live your life. You guys can get married via a non-ceremony path for the residency issue, and Kay can claim B publicly (which seems important to her).
Marcus, you are correct, there are some unresolved issues and I am not sure how to "fix" the problem. Or even if it is my problem to fix. I am very attached to B...... we have been together for 10 years (mostly in a LDR) and marrying him is something I really want to do. Now that I am retired we can be together all the time. I currently live in the US for 6 months and in Canada for six months. Getting my visa will solve that issue and I can be in the US all the time.

Living with another partner was never on the table until a year ago and it has taken some getting used to. I wasn't really consulted as Kay moving in happened before B asked me to marry him. And to be honest, it was a manner of some urgency as Kay was living in a trailer with poor heating and had a raging case of pneumonia. She moved over to B's house and took two months to get better. And then the NRE was so sparkly that he just asked her to stay.

I am willing to do whatever work is necessary as I truly don't want to give up a love that is so special to me.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Opal,

I wonder if maybe you wish Kay wasn't living with B (and you) right now? like maybe you wish B would have consulted you before moving her in and then asking her to stay?

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 

Opal

New member
Hello Opal,

I wonder if maybe you wish Kay wasn't living with B (and you) right now? like maybe you wish B would have consulted you before moving her in and then asking her to stay?

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
Kevin,
You are correct..... I wish I had been consulted. I wish I had known how territorial Kay would be about the house. Now I just need to figure out what to do next. Kay and I were such good friends before she moved in..... I hope to figure out a way to get back to that or at least to a point where we can talk to each other. I think I have to be there for that to happen, I can't see a way to talk this out without being face to face.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I hope you are able to talk with her, and work things out.
 

Opal

New member
Well it seems that our decision to go ahead with our wedding has not set well with my metamour, K. She is now "suggesting" that we have no ceremony if she can't be part of it. I am in the middle of planning a small beach wedding ceremony.

I have been explaining to K for the last 10 months that I see us as a V poly situation and that I don't think she should have any imput into how I celebrate my marriage to B. Right now I am so angry that she couldn't say any of this to me, but cried for days to B and had him pass on that message when he came to Canada to visit me this month. ( I am back in Canada for a few months).

I feel that she is not respecting my clearly defined boundaries. Our hinge B is torn between us, he wants us both to be happy but.....
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
I'm sorry, Opal. That sounds so hurtful and as you say, not actually K's place to interfere with since it's a V relationship despite the usual cohabitation.
 

Inaniel

Active member
What about B? It’s his wedding too…. Why is he tolerating this behavior from K? Not only that but burdening you with it? If there is no communication between you and K, than in my opinion B is being a weak hinge by pushing this off on you.

He should be standing up for what he wants and handeling that with K alone (given that she only wishes to talk to him about it) so that you don’t even need to be bothered with it.

As a hinge, if I have plans with one partner, and the other partner were to freak out about it, I would handle that myself by way of whatever reassurances are needed. But I would NOT break my plans, I would not tolerate micromanagement of myself and other relationship, and I would not bother my other partner by making her aware of the drama because it’s just going to rain on her parade.

B could be handling this other side of his life so that he can fulfill this commitment (and assumed mutual desire) with you. But instead he’s obviously failing at maintaining his own boundaries with K and pushing this drama off on you…. I know it’s easy for you to blame K for this however it’s B’s weak backbone that is delivering this drama to your doorstep.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry this is happening.

I mean all this kindly, ok? I'm going to be frank.

As you say, you are not kids, you are all in your 60s.

I am willing to do whatever work is necessary as I truly don't want to give up a love that is so special to me.

That's on your end. 1/3 of the fuel to make a 3 people "V" thing run. What work is B willing to do? How about K?

I think B is a sloppy hinge.
  • You weren't really consulted about Kay just moving in a year or so ago.
  • And it's like Kay wasn't really consulted or wasn't thrilled with B asking you to get legally married to "solve" your residency issues.
  • I could be wrong but it sounds like B does whatever stuff that affects nesting partners without much thinking ahead.
  • And the result of his just floating along "whatevs" style is now coming to a head over this point of contention -- who gets to be "legal wife."
Now K is expressing upset at B. Which is fine. She can feel whatever. But it is B's job to tell her something like

"K, my wedding to O is between me and O. I'm sorry you are sad, but I'm going to help with her residency. Just like I helped you when you were sick and moved in here.
We can have our own ceremony on this side of the V. But you don't get a say on what happens in the ceremony on that side of the V.
I see you want me to pass the message along that you feel upset and left out, but I'm not going to. You can talk to O direct without me being a messenger boy. And on this issue, it's not really O's business how you feel.
How you feel about my choice is really between you and me. I choose who I ask to legally marry. So you feel what you feel about it, but the buck stops here. You talk to ME."

Right now I am so angry that she couldn't say any of this to me, but cried for days to B and had him pass on that message when he came to Canada to visit me this month. ( I am back in Canada for a few months).

You can feel mad she's not a direct communicator.

Could also be mad at him. He doesn't have to "pass on" messages like that from her. What stopped him from saying "No, thanks. I am not your messenger."

It sounds like B is bringing you drama from that side of the V over on to your side of the V. You don't date her, right? If he wants to have more than one partner, he deals with his partners. NOT YOU.

If this wedding is about residency for living in the States now that you are retired? Consider paths to residency that DO NOT involve a K-1 visa and legally marrying B and entangling yourself with him that way.

Have a ceremony with him if it's about love. But don't get legally tangled up with him if he's a sloppy hinge. If things get worse? Since it sounds like downward trend since K moved in? It's a whole lot easier to walk away if not legally tangled.

Or maybe this is part of the "doing whatever work necessary" -- letting the idea of a k-1 visa go and dealing with residency another way. Look into all the options for retiring in the US. Take that part off the stack to reduce the load.

I feel that she is not respecting my clearly defined boundaries. Our hinge B is torn between us, he wants us both to be happy but.....

She doesn't HAVE to respect your boundaries.

When you set a personal boundary? It is to help keep you safe from shenanigans. The only one who has to like/obey/enforce it is YOU.

If the boundary is "I expect the hinge to deal with his own other partners."

You make him aware. And then it becomes super easy for you to enforce. If hinge brings you sloppy things from his other connections? You say "No, thanks. I expect you to deal with your other partners yourself. Don't leak other people stuff on to me."

If the boundary is "I do not take communication by messenger -- I expect people to talk to me direct." You make both of them aware of that boundary. And then it becomes super easy for you to enforce. Anything coming by messenger? You just do "return to sender."
Tell the messenger that you do not accept it. You only take direct.

If/when K comes to talk to you direct? You play the broken record. Pleasant, flat, boring.
  • "You can be a part of it as a guest. I've sent an invitation."
  • "You can have your own ceremony with B. Discuss it with him."
You don't have to say or do anything else.

You could also say to B something like
  • Our wedding is between you and me.
    • Are you telling me you no longer want to pursue this as legal wedding at this time and we need to adjust or cancel?
  • Stop bringing me your other GF problems like her feeling left out or whatever.
    • You and her are free to plain your own wedding on that side. Those things are between you and her.
And maybe YOU rethink legally marrying him.

Because if this saga just keeps going on and on.... maybe you are tired of it? I get it has been 10 years, and you love him, and marrying him is something you want to do. But you can marry him without it being legal, and you can solve your residency problem another way. Like become a US citizen.

You are correct..... I wish I had been consulted. I wish I had known how territorial Kay would be about the house. Now I just need to figure out what to do next. Kay and I were such good friends before she moved in..... I hope to figure out a way to get back to that or at least to a point where we can talk to each other. I think I have to be there for that to happen, I can't see a way to talk this out without being face to face.

If this is what you want? Say you want to postpone til you can all talk face to face. Then take a time out to reflect. You are in Canada -- enjoy the break being away. And in that time? Maybe you consider moving out of the US house. Because you don't sound like you like living with K and listening to the drama. And then YOUR life can be more peaceful and B can just come see you over here at your new place in the US. And maybe K can chill if she's not being territorial about the house over there AND territorial about who gets to be legal wife.

Not everyone is cut out to be roomies. Maybe that has been adding to the issues.

It is not your job to be like their free therapist because they are having couple problems. Their issues (which include however K feels about him asking someone that is not her to legally marry him) are THEIR issues. Not yours.

Take charge of your OWN life more.

Put some emotional space between you and them, and even physical space between you when you get back from Canada.

At minimum, take a time out. This is important, and it comes with some upset for you, but not urgent sounding. It's ok to pause.

That's what I would suggest. Take the pause!

Then talk. You don't want a group marriage thing or "kitchen table poly" from the sound of it. You sound like you want something more like "Separate V" in style. Polite, friendly, but your stuff is on your side and my stuff is on my side.

Where K seems to want KTP or group marriage or some other model with all the stuff in one common bucket.

What does B want? And do all these wants align? Or is this just not compatible for you all to be nesting together?

All this could have been sorted before planning any ceremonies at all.

Galagirl
 
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Opal

New member
I'm sorry this is happening.

I mean all this kindly, ok? I'm going to be frank.

As you say, you are not kids, you are all in your 60s.



That's on your end. 1/3 of the fuel to make a 3 people "V" thing run. What work is B willing to do? How about K?

I think B is a sloppy hinge.
  • You weren't really consulted about Kay just moving in a year or so ago.
  • And it's like Kay wasn't really consulted or wasn't thrilled with B asking you to get legally married to "solve" your residency issues.
  • I could be wrong but it sounds like B does whatever stuff that affects nesting partners without much thinking ahead.
  • And the result of his just floating along "whatevs" style is now coming to a head over this point of contention -- who gets to be "legal wife."
Now K is expressing upset at B. Which is fine. She can feel whatever. But it is B's job to tell her something like

"K, my wedding to O is between me and O. I'm sorry you are sad, but I'm going to help with her residency. Just like I helped you when you were sick and moved in here.
We can have our own ceremony on this side of the V. But you don't get a say on what happens in the ceremony on that side of the V.
I see you want me to pass the message along that you feel upset and left out, but I'm not going to. You can talk to O direct without me being a messenger boy. And on this issue, it's not really O's business how you feel.
How you feel about my choice is really between you and me. I choose who I ask to legally marry. So you feel what you feel about it, but the buck stops here. You talk to ME."



You can feel mad she's not a direct communicator.

Could also be mad at him. He doesn't have to "pass on" messages like that from her. What stopped him from saying "No, thanks. I am not your messenger."

It sounds like B is bringing you drama from that side of the V over on to your side of the V. You don't date her, right? If he wants to have more than one partner, he deals with his partners. NOT YOU.

If this wedding is about residency for living in the States now that you are retired? Consider paths to residency that DO NOT involve a K-1 visa and legally marrying B and entangling yourself with him that way.

Have a ceremony with him if it's about love. But don't get legally tangled up with him if he's a sloppy hinge. If things get worse? Since it sounds like downward trend since K moved in? It's a whole lot easier to walk away if not legally tangled.

Or maybe this is part of the "doing whatever work necessary" -- letting the idea of a k-1 visa go and dealing with residency another way. Look into all the options for retiring in the US. Take that part off the stack to reduce the load.



She doesn't HAVE to respect your boundaries.

When you set a personal boundary? It is to help keep you safe from shenanigans. The only one who has to like/obey/enforce it is YOU.

If the boundary is "I expect the hinge to deal with his own other partners."

You make him aware. And then it becomes super easy for you to enforce. If hinge brings you sloppy things from his other connections? You say "No, thanks. I expect you to deal with your other partners yourself. Don't leak other people stuff on to me."

If the boundary is "I do not take communication by messenger -- I expect people to talk to me direct." You make both of them aware of that boundary. And then it becomes super easy for you to enforce. Anything coming by messenger? You just do "return to sender."
Tell the messenger that you do not accept it. You only take direct.

If/when K comes to talk to you direct? You play the broken record. Pleasant, flat, boring.
  • "You can be a part of it as a guest. I've sent an invitation."
  • "You can have your own ceremony with B. Discuss it with him."
You don't have to say or do anything else.

You could also say to B something like
  • Our wedding is between you and me.
    • Are you telling me you no longer want to pursue this as legal wedding at this time and we need to adjust or cancel?
  • Stop bringing me your other GF problems like her feeling left out or whatever.
    • You and her are free to plain your own wedding on that side. Those things are between you and her.
And maybe YOU rethink legally marrying him.

Because if this saga just keeps going on and on.... maybe you are tired of it? I get it has been 10 years, and you love him, and marrying him is something you want to do. But you can marry him without it being legal, and you can solve your residency problem another way. Like become a US citizen.



If this is what you want? Say you want to postpone til you can all talk face to face. Then take a time out to reflect. You are in Canada -- enjoy the break being away. And in that time? Maybe you consider moving out of the US house. Because you don't sound like you like living with K and listening to the drama. And then YOUR life can be more peaceful and B can just come see you over here at your new place in the US. And maybe K can chill if she's not being territorial about the house over there AND territorial about who gets to be legal wife.

Not everyone is cut out to be roomies. Maybe that has been adding to the issues.

It is not your job to be like their free therapist because they are having couple problems. Their issues (which include however K feels about him asking someone that is not her to legally marry him) are THEIR issues. Not yours.

Take charge of your OWN life more.

Put some emotional space between you and them, and even physical space between you when you get back from Canada.

At minimum, take a time out. This is important, and it comes with some upset for you, but not urgent sounding. It's ok to pause.

That's what I would suggest. Take the pause!

Then talk. You don't want a group marriage thing or "kitchen table poly" from the sound of it. You sound like you want something more like "Separate V" in style. Polite, friendly, but your stuff is on your side and my stuff is on my side.

Where K seems to want KTP or group marriage or some other model with all the stuff in one common bucket.

What does B want? And do all these wants align? Or is this just not compatible for you all to be nesting together?

All this could have been sorted before planning any ceremonies at all.

Galagirl
Galagirl, thank you so much........ your reply (and the others) have given me much to think about and to plan for my return to the US in January. I am truly understanding that my boundaries are mine to have/keep.... not anyone else!
 
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