Wedding ceremony and handfasting ceremony

Opal

New member
My metamour Kay, wants to have her handfasting ceremony with our hinge (B) on the same day as my wedding, possibly part of the same ceremony. I have already stated that she should have her own day (and so should I). That did not go over well and I am under some pressure to change my mind. We all live together but I don't see myself as part of a group marriage, more like roommates that get along fairly well. Except for the silent treatment I am getting now from Kay.....

How did others that have a hinge relationship deal with ceremonies? I would like to take some ideas back to the next family discussion we have on this issue.

We all have very much the same group of friends, barring a few relatives. Our hinge, being a practical type, says he thinks we can get it all done at one time..... (insert eye roll). Romantic gestures are not his strong point.

We are not kids, everyone is in their 60's.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
I haven't had the ability to have a ceremony with anyone but my husband, but I'd want different days. As you said, not a triad.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Are you all out as poly V to the friends and family? If so... I guess the next question would be...

"How far apart does it need to be to be apart enough for you but together enough for her and practical enough for him?"

IN PERSON​
Like if this is gonna be like a friends and family reunion thing for a week or long weekend? Can your ceremony be on Monday and hers be on Friday? Is that far enough apart for you? Is that together enough for her, like part of the same overall event window but not exact same day? And would that practical enough for him so all these people don't have to gather again right away?​
VIRTUAL EVENT​
Film your ceremony one day. Hers another day. Then show both movies to the friends and family a month or two later later at a virtual screening. So its together at the screening, but it was done apart IRL. And it's practical enough because the people aren't traveling anywhere in pandemic. It's video conference and they can watch from their homes.​

Maybe other people can give you other ideas for "apart enough and together enough and practical enough."

But if hinge and meta don't bring ideas to the table? Stick with separate. You are not obligated to consent to a double wedding thing.

She can feel disappointment and process it appropriately.

As you say... you are not kids. You are in your 60s.

If how she processes means silent treatment? Fine then. At least its quiet in the house. Hopefully she gets over it with some time and you can return to getting along as roomies. If you don't care, and if it helps her get over her disappointment? Maybe her ceremony with him could be first.

If not? And she wants to carry on with silent treatment? Let it be the hinge's problem then. You aren't the one dating her.

She keeps annoying with that silent treatment long enough? You don't have to stay roomies either.

Galagirl
 
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Opal

New member
Thanks for the ideas... I am so new to this that I am not even sure what a Poly V looks like. I knew that my partner B was poly when we started dating 7 years ago. I am okay with it, but I have no interest in dating another guy. Kay moved in a year or so ago, but as far as I can tell she isn't interested in other relationships right now either (perhaps she is still in NRE with B). There are several others that B is occasional with, with scarce visits and daily texts. But the three of us, B, Kay and I live together all the time now.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Right. So I would call you three the nesting poly V.
  • He's the hinge. (Who has other partners elsewhere, but they aren't nesting partners and not in this hand fasting conversation.)
  • You and Kay are the "V arms" who are also endpoints. You aren't seeing anyone else. Neither is she.
I hope you can have a productive conversation and figure things out.

Galagirl
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Just a guess, but Kay could be concerned about feeling demoted and really wants no delay in her ceremony experience. Could this be mitigated with appropriate legal paperwork that protects her in the relationship?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Opal,

My vote is to have the two ceremonies one day apart ... and my first thought was, let her have her handfasting on the first day, with your wedding on the second day. But now I realize she could see that as "you getting the last word in" on ceremonies. I guess let her decide which ceremony will happen first.

My two companions were already (legally) married to each other when they formed a V with me. Then, we had a commitment ceremony involving all three of us. We did not do that on the same day as their wedding anniversary. So, that, in a nutshell, is how we handled it. If you have more questions for me let me know.

Sincere regards,
Kevin T.
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
I'm wondering if the issue for Kay isn't so much what day the handfasting is on but more the fact that you get the legal ceremony? If that's the case, making sure she has benefits and protections as similar as legally possible to those you will have may alleviate some of the tension. Or, she could fear others won't see her relationship to B as a legitimate relationship since he's married to you? I think getting to the root of why she wants the ceremonies on the same day is more important than making sure they are actually on the same day. My guess is that your impending marriage is making her feel secondary. That is a valid concern on her part since marriage does create an implicit hierarchy of sorts.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
From here, and I could be wrong, B sounds competitive. Why did you agree to have her move in? Do you normally get along OK? Do you each have your own bedroom? Do you share your hinge's attention in an equitable manner that suits everyone? Do you each have separate dates with bf? Do you and she hang out one-on-one, without bf?

Do you all have a say in how the home is decorated/arranged? How about household chores, decluttering, cleaning, cooking, repairs? All good and sorted?

Does she really really like you and want a double ceremony to cement a "sister wife" relationship? Or is she just competitive, and you think she wants to "steal the spotlight" on your special day as a bride?

I agree that full legal arrangements for her should be made, if she is definitely a long term-runner for your fiance. Do you and bf own a home together? Is B on the mortgage? Does she invest her money in the upkeep or renovations of a house she doesn't own?

I think there are so many more questions to answer here, before anyone can give really appropriate advice.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
If I remember your earlier thread correctly, you said that Kay was upset--possibly devastated?--to find out that B was planning to marry you and not her.

This sounds like a very painful situation for Kay.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Ahh, yes, earlier thread says it's B's house. Also, that he's building a harem (that mostly just visit) and Opal is well liked by the rest of his subs.

Also, Kay was already very bothered by Opal moving in, but that seems to have resolved until wedding and commitment ceremony stuff is being discussed.

Lastly, Kay is on disability. She basically has no option but to stay.

Now, she wants a same day handfasting ceremony. It's pretty obvious why. Honestly, a day apart (for guest convenience) probably wouldn't cut the mustard. Either do it on the same day, or a totally different one that she can get independently excited about. One that can become a special anniversary that is just them (this could be your"selling point") and the only thing that trumps their day is a crisis or funeral.

Are you getting legally married to keep you in the States?
 

Opal

New member
Evie, getting married is very much part of me getting to live here in the States full time. Without it I would have to return to Canada six months a year and that would just suck. We have been doing the go back and forth things for years now, as I had work and family committments in Canada. Now that I am retired, I can spend all my time here, which is where I want to be.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Ah, now I see why the wedding ceremony needs to be you and B, and why the handfasting ceremony needs to be Kay and B. I hope Kay will be understanding about that as well.
 

Inaniel

Active member
If your main motivation for marriage is to obtain residency than why are you prioritizing a ceremony?

I see where your hinge is coming from. Marriage for such a specific purpose is not exactly romantic. I got married for health insurance purposes and had a paper signing party at our favorite restaurant... Having a ceremony for sterile motivations would have felt disingenuous to me.
 
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MeeraReed

Active member
I think if B is equally committed to both his live-in partners (you and Kay) and he is only legally marrying you so you can obtain residency, then you should reconsider having a wedding ceremony at all. It is clearly a painful point for Kay.

Perhaps B should have handfasting ceremonies with both you and Kay, either in the same ceremony or separate ceremonies/days, and keep the idea of public commitment/celebration-with-friends totally separate from the legal marriage-on-paper.
 

Frankie

Member
How about getting legally married beforehand, so you can have your own future celebration day. Then doing the ceremony where you get married in front of family and friends, but also do the hand fasting that day too, since everyone will be there so it is convenient. (But maybe have like one first and then the second.) That could be their celebration day for the future.

My husband and I got legally married before our actual wedding ceremony with family, because.... Well, we weren't exactly positive he would be home for the actual ceremony due to work. His work schedule kept changing, so we made sure we got the legal stuff done before hand, just in case.

But I'm also not really the traditional type and tend to think outside the box. So maybe this isn't ideal for you, but I thought I'd throw it out there.
 

Opal

New member
How about getting legally married beforehand, so you can have your own future celebration day. Then doing the ceremony where you get married in front of family and friends, but also do the hand fasting that day too, since everyone will be there so it is convenient. (But maybe have like one first and then the second.) That could be their celebration day for the future.

My husband and I got legally married before our actual wedding ceremony with family, because.... Well, we weren't exactly positive he would be home for the actual ceremony due to work. His work schedule kept changing, so we made sure we got the legal stuff done before hand, just in case.

But I'm also not really the traditional type and tend to think outside the box. So maybe this isn't ideal for you, but I thought I'd throw it out there.
Frankie, thanks for the ideas and thank everyone else also. I now have a few options to take to our kitchen table meetings. I think having a low key wedding first and then a hand fasting with all the family/friends would work.
 

westennity

New member
I think in such a situation it would be inappropriate to hold two wedding ceremonies at once. Still, you should agree, for example, to do one wedding ceremony on Friday and the second on Saturday. Recently, my boyfriend and I organized a royal wedding in Ibiza in this way. Our friends know about our little more than friendship and everything was pretty calm. You say yourself that you are no longer children, it's strange that an adult and wise woman behaves like a capricious girl. Did you manage to convince her somehow or negotiate?

Mod edit: removed advertising link.
 
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Opal

New member
Update: B and I have decided to go ahead with our wedding as we had originally planned, and B and Kay will do their handfasting ceremony at a different date. Kay wasn't totally happy and I am sad that she feels left out. She is still deciding whether or not she will be at our ceremony so I am hesitant to ask her for any help or advice.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Update: B and I have decided to go ahead with our wedding as we had originally planned, and B and Kay will do their handfasting ceremony at a different date. Kay wasn't totally happy and I am sad that she feels left out. She is still deciding whether or not she will be at our ceremony so I am hesitant to ask her for any help or advice.

This whole situation sounds like a bit of a powder keg. Are you concerned about the longevity of your association with these people?

Having a third of my polycule experiencing what I would classify as some pretty intense feelings of jealousy and fear would be a big red flag to me. It sounds like you guys are already all living together which puts you elbows deep into this thing already, and getting married would seem to get you even more encumbered.

If it really is just a residency issue, maybe you guys can figure out a way to get you into a guest room so they can have their marriage and you can continue to live your life. You guys can get married via a non-ceremony path for the residency issue, and Kay can claim B publicly (which seems important to her).
 
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