I'm sorry this is happening.
I mean all this kindly, ok? I'm going to be frank.
As you say,
you are not kids, you are all in your 60s.
That's on your end. 1/3 of the fuel to make a 3 people "V" thing run. What work is B willing to do? How about K?
I think B is a sloppy hinge.
- You weren't really consulted about Kay just moving in a year or so ago.
- And it's like Kay wasn't really consulted or wasn't thrilled with B asking you to get legally married to "solve" your residency issues.
- I could be wrong but it sounds like B does whatever stuff that affects nesting partners without much thinking ahead.
- And the result of his just floating along "whatevs" style is now coming to a head over this point of contention -- who gets to be "legal wife."
Now K is expressing upset at B. Which is fine. She can feel whatever. But it is B's job to tell her something like
"K, my wedding to O is between me and O. I'm sorry you are sad, but I'm going to help with her residency. Just like I helped you when you were sick and moved in here.
We can have our own ceremony on this side of the V. But you don't get a say on what happens in the ceremony on that side of the V.
I see you want me to pass the message along that you feel upset and left out, but I'm not going to. You can talk to O direct without me being a messenger boy. And on this issue, it's not really O's business how you feel.
How you feel about my choice is really between you and me. I choose who I ask to legally marry. So you feel what you feel about it, but the buck stops here. You talk to ME."
You can feel mad she's not a direct communicator.
Could also be mad at him. He doesn't have to "pass on" messages like that from her. What stopped him from saying "No, thanks. I am not your messenger."
It sounds like B is bringing you drama from that side of the V over on to your side of the V. You don't date her, right? If he wants to have more than one partner, he deals with his partners. NOT YOU.
If this wedding is about residency for living in the States now that you are retired? Consider paths to residency that DO NOT involve a K-1 visa and legally marrying B and entangling yourself with him that way.
Have a ceremony with him if it's about love. But don't get legally tangled up with him if he's a sloppy hinge. If things get worse? Since it sounds like downward trend since K moved in? It's a whole lot easier to walk away if not legally tangled.
Or maybe this is part of the "doing whatever work necessary" -- letting the idea of a k-1 visa go and dealing with residency another way. Look into all the options for retiring in the US. Take that part off the stack to reduce the load.
She doesn't HAVE to respect your boundaries.
When you set a personal boundary? It is to help keep you safe from shenanigans. The only one who has to like/obey/enforce it is YOU.
If the boundary is "I expect the hinge to deal with his own other partners."
You make him aware. And then it becomes super easy for you to enforce. If hinge brings you sloppy things from his other connections? You say "No, thanks. I expect you to deal with your other partners yourself. Don't leak other people stuff on to me."
If the boundary is "I do not take communication by messenger -- I expect people to talk to me direct." You make both of them aware of that boundary. And then it becomes super easy for you to enforce. Anything coming by messenger? You just do "return to sender."
Tell the messenger that you do not accept it. You only take direct.
If/when K comes to talk to you direct? You play the broken record. Pleasant, flat, boring.
- "You can be a part of it as a guest. I've sent an invitation."
- "You can have your own ceremony with B. Discuss it with him."
You don't have to say or do anything else.
You could also say to B something like
- Our wedding is between you and me.
- Are you telling me you no longer want to pursue this as legal wedding at this time and we need to adjust or cancel?
- Stop bringing me your other GF problems like her feeling left out or whatever.
- You and her are free to plain your own wedding on that side. Those things are between you and her.
And maybe YOU rethink legally marrying him.
Because if this saga just keeps going on and on.... maybe you are tired of it? I get it has been 10 years, and you love him, and marrying him is something you want to do. But you can marry him without it being legal, and you can solve your residency problem another way. Like become a US citizen.
If this is what you want? Say you want to postpone til you can all talk face to face. Then take a time out to reflect. You are in Canada -- enjoy the break being away. And in that time? Maybe you consider moving out of the US house. Because you don't sound like you like living with K and listening to the drama. And then YOUR life can be more peaceful and B can just come see you over here at your new place in the US. And maybe K can chill if she's not being territorial about the house over there AND territorial about who gets to be legal wife.
Not everyone is cut out to be roomies. Maybe that has been adding to the issues.
It is not your job to be like their free therapist because they are having couple problems. Their issues (which include however K feels about him asking someone that is not her to legally marry him) are THEIR issues. Not yours.
Take charge of your OWN life more.
Put some emotional space between you and them, and even physical space between you when you get back from Canada.
At minimum, take a time out. This is important, and it comes with some upset for you, but not
urgent sounding. It's ok to pause.
That's what I would suggest. Take the pause!
Then talk. You don't want a group marriage thing or "kitchen table poly" from the sound of it. You sound like you want something more like "Separate V" in style. Polite, friendly, but your stuff is on your side and my stuff is on my side.
Where K seems to want KTP or group marriage or some other model with all the stuff in one common bucket.
What does B want? And do all these wants align? Or is this just not compatible for you all to be nesting together?
All this could have been sorted before planning any ceremonies at all.
Galagirl