After a quick read or this thread the question was “ How do you move from an affair to healthy polyamory?”
I’m not sure why you’d want to.
Maybe I still have rose tinted glasses but I feel like we had a deep connections and lot of potential. I am not holding my breath. But outside of the lying, I would want a connection like I have had with Rachel in a new partner.
Rachel has contacted me recently and told me she wants to be in a relationship with me and her husband and she is working through it with her husband. It seems pretty hopeless that her husband would consent to Rachel and I having a new relationship.
So I am keeping my distance to heal while she tries to fix her marriage and her mess. We will see what happens in 2 months. My therapist told me it takes 3 months post affair discovery for a couple to know if they want to stay together/reconcile or breakup/divorce.
I mean I get why you’d want to remain sexual partners with Rachel but having her as committed poly partner how could you possibly trust anything she says ???
I have been thinking a lot about that. How could I trust her again? What would it take for me to fully trust her if she wanted a poly relationship again.
Part of me also understands where she is coming from. I was a big liar, fake it until you make it, growing up. I get the psychology behind it. I wish she would have come clean sooner with me at least, especially when we started to get really serious.
Our relationship started with swinging. She didn't even know my real name until a few months into the relationship.
If we were to rebuild something serious like poly relationship, I would expect radical honesty and transparency. I would need to be in touch with her husband.
FROM the limited back story she was married for about 6 yrs and she / they had some sort of disconnect or boredom sexually in which she wanted to try swinging he wasn’t ready for that yet and instead of working the problem together ( if possible) she decided fuck it …I’ll just explore that option on my own I’m not waiting for you. Probably loads of lies and deception to make that happen and work. Then along the way she happens find the you and your wife at the swing and the poly adventure starts….and she also decides to lie husbands knowledge and participation.
That is pretty much what happened. I got a different story while we were together. Husband was really busy with work, they felt like roommates for years, they were not communicating properly. It doesn't excuse what she did. She 100% owns her fuck up from what I can tell.
Not to be too cynical here but I might question the statement she decided to come clean vs she got caught.
She got caught several time lying about going to a swinger club and talking to me last year. She didn't tell me her husband was getting suspicious. All along, I thought he was on board and he preferred DADT (very naïve of me)
And in the damage control process he’s been getting a scrubbed version of things or probably a trickle truth version of events and timelines. Which is another reason she told you he has no interesting in talking to you.
She was trickling the truth initially. I encouraged her to come fully clean with as much details as her husband wants to know last time I talked to her. Lately she has been super honest with her husband about what happened and what she wants / needs. There is a lot of hurt to process.
She did mention that if we were to restart a poly relationship, she would want me to meet her husband and have 1:1 time with him.
Your genuine effort to be empathic to his situation and convey that you were duped too could cause way more problems than solve. That guy has all the betrayal of the swinging on the frontend and then a 2 yr romantic poly thing after that.
Yes, I have given up on reaching out to husband. She needs to fix her mess, be honest with her husband that she wants poly and she wants me back as partner. It is going to take a while for them to figure it out.
I don't know if they are planning to stay married, monogamous, poly, poly that includes me. Too many things up in the air.
I think the only people that are going to make out on this one are the therapists.
So far, they have made a lot of money
Right now I am focusing on moving on. I am disconnecting emotionally and digesting the break-up & lies. I have almost no hope that we could all move to a healthy polyamory together. But who knows. I will let things happen organically.
I am not looking to date anyone at the moment. My wife and I are really busy with our swinging community. I have been spending more time with our FWBs.