How do you move from an affair to healthy polyamory?

Well, hopefully Rachel can work things out with her husband. In the meantime, you are ready to move on as needed.
 
After a quick read or this thread the question was “ How do you move from an affair to healthy polyamory?”
I’m not sure why you’d want to. I mean I get why you’d want to remain sexual partners with Rachel but having her as committed poly partner how could you possibly trust anything she says ???

FROM the limited back story she was married for about 6 yrs and she / they had some sort of disconnect or boredom sexually in which she wanted to try swinging he wasn’t ready for that yet and instead of working the problem together ( if possible) she decided fuck it …I’ll just explore that option on my own I’m not waiting for you. Probably loads of lies and disception to make that happen and work. Then along the way she happens find the you and your wife at the swing and the poly adventure starts….and she also decides to lie husbands knowledge and participation.

Not to be too cynical here but I might question the statement she decided to come clean vs she got caught. And in the damage control process he’s been getting a scrubbed version of things or probably a trickle truth version of events and timelines. Which is another reason she told you he has no interesting in talking to you. Your genuine effort to be empathic to his situation and convey that you were duped too could cause way more problems than solve. That guy has all the betrayal of the swinging on the frontend and then a 2 yr romantic poly thing after that. I think the only people that are going to make out on this one are the therapists.
 
After a quick read or this thread the question was “ How do you move from an affair to healthy polyamory?”
I’m not sure why you’d want to.
Maybe I still have rose tinted glasses but I feel like we had a deep connections and lot of potential. I am not holding my breath. But outside of the lying, I would want a connection like I have had with Rachel in a new partner.

Rachel has contacted me recently and told me she wants to be in a relationship with me and her husband and she is working through it with her husband. It seems pretty hopeless that her husband would consent to Rachel and I having a new relationship.

So I am keeping my distance to heal while she tries to fix her marriage and her mess. We will see what happens in 2 months. My therapist told me it takes 3 months post affair discovery for a couple to know if they want to stay together/reconcile or breakup/divorce.
I mean I get why you’d want to remain sexual partners with Rachel but having her as committed poly partner how could you possibly trust anything she says ???
I have been thinking a lot about that. How could I trust her again? What would it take for me to fully trust her if she wanted a poly relationship again.

Part of me also understands where she is coming from. I was a big liar, fake it until you make it, growing up. I get the psychology behind it. I wish she would have come clean sooner with me at least, especially when we started to get really serious.

Our relationship started with swinging. She didn't even know my real name until a few months into the relationship.

If we were to rebuild something serious like poly relationship, I would expect radical honesty and transparency. I would need to be in touch with her husband.


FROM the limited back story she was married for about 6 yrs and she / they had some sort of disconnect or boredom sexually in which she wanted to try swinging he wasn’t ready for that yet and instead of working the problem together ( if possible) she decided fuck it …I’ll just explore that option on my own I’m not waiting for you. Probably loads of lies and deception to make that happen and work. Then along the way she happens find the you and your wife at the swing and the poly adventure starts….and she also decides to lie husbands knowledge and participation.
That is pretty much what happened. I got a different story while we were together. Husband was really busy with work, they felt like roommates for years, they were not communicating properly. It doesn't excuse what she did. She 100% owns her fuck up from what I can tell.
Not to be too cynical here but I might question the statement she decided to come clean vs she got caught.
She got caught several time lying about going to a swinger club and talking to me last year. She didn't tell me her husband was getting suspicious. All along, I thought he was on board and he preferred DADT (very naïve of me)
And in the damage control process he’s been getting a scrubbed version of things or probably a trickle truth version of events and timelines. Which is another reason she told you he has no interesting in talking to you.
She was trickling the truth initially. I encouraged her to come fully clean with as much details as her husband wants to know last time I talked to her. Lately she has been super honest with her husband about what happened and what she wants / needs. There is a lot of hurt to process.

She did mention that if we were to restart a poly relationship, she would want me to meet her husband and have 1:1 time with him.
Your genuine effort to be empathic to his situation and convey that you were duped too could cause way more problems than solve. That guy has all the betrayal of the swinging on the frontend and then a 2 yr romantic poly thing after that.
Yes, I have given up on reaching out to husband. She needs to fix her mess, be honest with her husband that she wants poly and she wants me back as partner. It is going to take a while for them to figure it out.

I don't know if they are planning to stay married, monogamous, poly, poly that includes me. Too many things up in the air.

I think the only people that are going to make out on this one are the therapists.
So far, they have made a lot of money :)

Right now I am focusing on moving on. I am disconnecting emotionally and digesting the break-up & lies. I have almost no hope that we could all move to a healthy polyamory together. But who knows. I will let things happen organically.

I am not looking to date anyone at the moment. My wife and I are really busy with our swinging community. I have been spending more time with our FWBs.
 
After a quick read of this thread, I see the question was: “How do you move from an affair to healthy polyamory?” I’m not sure why you’d want to. I mean, I get why you’d want to remain sexual partners with Rachel, but if you had her as a committed poly partner, how could you possibly trust anything she said?

From the limited back story, I see she was married for about 6 yrs and they had some sort of disconnect or became bored sexually. So she wanted to try swinging. He wasn’t ready for that, so instead of working on the problem together (if possible) she decided, "Fuck it. I’ll just explore that option on my own; I’m not waiting for him." It probably took loads of lies and deception to make that happen and work. Then along the way, she happened find you and your wife at the swinger's club, and the poly adventure started. And she also decided to lie about her husband's knowledge and participation.

Not to be too cynical here, but I might reword the statement "she decided to come clean" as: "she got caught." And in the damage-control process, her husband has been getting a scrubbed version of things, or probably a "trickle truth" version of events and timelines, which is another reason why she told you he has no interest in talking to you. Your genuine effort to be empathic about her husband's situation and wanting to convey that you were duped too could cause far more problems than it would solve. That guy has all the betrayal of the swinging on the front end, and then a 2 yr romantic poly thing after that.
That's a good breakdown of events.
I think the only people that are going to make out on this one are the therapists.
Ha!
 
I just want to say I'm so sorry, that's just awful. Honesty is the 100% number one rule in any relationship. Once they are caught in a lie, there is a loss of emotional intimacy forever. You will never be able to trust them again. My heart goes out to you. You did everything right, just know that.
 
I just want to say I'm so sorry, that's just awful. Honesty is the 100% number one rule in any relationship. Once they are caught in a lie, there is a loss of emotional intimacy forever. You will never be able to trust them again. My heart goes out to you. You did everything right, just know that.
Thank you for the kind words.

I realized that I lived this first Poly relationship according to my values and even though it ended like that, I can tell myself i did everything right from the ethical standpoint.
 
No contact-ish is NOT no contact. Her husband said that he wanted you out of the picture. Do you have any idea if he is even ok with her continuing to send you updates? The fact that she is likely continuing to break her agreement with him even after all of the mess that she created is just another huge red flag and I'd suggest that you just block her entirely and move on. Even if her and her husband did ever open up to swinging, she can't swing with you because you 2 are in love and would want a relationship and that's not really swinging. I doubt that the husband will ever really be comfortable with you in the picture, even if he does at some point decide to try something more open. By continuing to wait with baited breath for him to change his mind, you are never going to be able to heal and move on. So for your own sanity, and your own healing, I suggest that you make the decision for YOURSELF to cease contact (in a way that you won't continue to receive updates) and move on. I know that you are hurt, but I'm surprised that you aren't angry enough about all of the lying and just how long she lied to just feel done with her. I know I certainly would. It feels like you are sugar coating just how terrible her behavior was to everyone involved just because you have feelings for her. But if a good friend of yours came to you in your shoes and asked for advice, would you seriously think he could ever trust that person again, and would you really recommend that he hold out hope, or stay in contact, or have anything to do with her?
 
Quick update on my situation.

My ex-partner and I are no contact until next year at least. There was a lot of open heart conversations between her husband and her, and her and I. Her husband is open to poly with me in the picture but after they fix their marriage.

I am staying away from her and them. I am also not holding out any hope or waiting for them to figure their stuff out. I am have been focusing on me and healing, moving on. The no contact has helped a lot. I have been working with a great poly therapist who has been reminding me to put myself first.

So, we will see what happens next year when we get to catch up. Not sure who we will be then, if the love will still be there, etc. I am not clinging to any hope of restarting what we had anymore. What my ex-partner and I had last year is gone. Maybe we will build something new if it feels right for everyone involved. Maybe this period of no contact will help us move on in peace.

I feel more at peace now. I am not filled with false hope, but I remain hopeful to what life is going to bring whether my ex-partner is in it or not. I have been focusing a lot of myself and being clear what do I want from romantic relationships moving forward. My therapist has been telling me that is ok to want to be with someone but if it doesn’t happen, it is ok to be disappointed but I will be ok regardless. I will be ok :)
 
Hi Anthony,

Thanks for your new update, that sounds really promising that her husband has softened his position somewhat. And I think you have a healthier outlook, you are not looking so much for you and Rachel to get back together, you are concentrating on your own health and healing. I feel like you will be okay, whatever happens. Again, thanks for keeping us in the loop.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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