All i said was I suppose subconsciously I must want some symbol of our seriousness, but I meant in the future...the very distant future. I mean sure I hope he is 'the one' but it is far too early for anything serious like that.
Since you are new to poly, I'll give you another not asked for piece of advice, I hope you don't mind
I'll be talking very subjectively from personal experience.
Please be
very careful about this sentiment. I know you wrote 'the one' in quotation marks and are deep in NRE, but it's still a red-ish flag for me.
He's a
married man. You, at this point of time, are basically his secondary. You are talking about future commitment, but have you actually considered the practicalities? Is he going to be 'the one' and seeing you once a week?
Now, it's a little jumping the gun to plan the development of the relationship, but I'll just tell you about my situation a little. I fell in love with Idealist 3 years ago and what he considered first a bdsm play relationship and me a likely quick affair turned pretty serious over the first year, with at least 2 dates a week and daily communication. The dynamics that ensued, and might likely ensue in your case, is
very similar to a traditionally monogamous man having a lover on the side, except there is no secrecy. Although I try hard to respect his live-in partner, a wish has developed to have him for myself. For him, he also wishes to have me close, to live with me, to commit in the more traditional sense. But he doesn't want to lose Meta too (and I can't live with her, even if she were open to it). I don't think he's capable of deciding between us even if I gave that ultimatum - again, like a (lover)-(married man)-(wife) dynamics. The insecurity if and how the relationship will continue, whether I want children and how to do that (at least you've got this part cleared up), and that I'll be probably the one that will have to break up has been plaguing me quite a bit over the years. This can be a huge source of fear.
We're currently in therapy and trying to figure out if there is a way forward for us or not. Love can be precarious.
I guess what I want to say is,
don't underestimate the need to live together, share downtime, entwine your lives. It only becomes stronger with time.
With all this, I don't want to imply that poly relationships can't be committed and functional. There are several members here, who have "two husbands" (or maybe two wives, although I don't remember any now), and cohabitate or go back and forth between two households, who are pretty happy with their arrangements. There are others, who are more solo and do not wish to cohabitate.
What I urge you to do, is to think about if you can and want to handle poly, and treat that idea
independently of who your current partner is, how great or loving he is. Do you know if you are capable of having multiple love relationships yourself? Will you be happy with having 'half a men', or even less then, if he perhaps can only spend one night a week with you? Can you do a reframe towards building your life more independently, perhaps in the 'solo poly' way? Can you work around your need for 'the one'? Is any of the options available (taking as a fact that he will keep his wife) good and healthy for you? Because if not? Monogamy is probably a better fit.
My relationship has brought me much happiness and growth, but also an incredible amount of pain and fear. I wish you a smoother sail.
