How do you show your seriousness?

[Spork]

I agree and don't see how cowgirling is even possible. No woman can lasso a man and lure him into an exclusive relationship against his will. If a man is even considering monogamy with his GF, he does so with the freedom of his own thoughts. No GF can bewitch him with her magical cowgirl powers and hypnotize him into wanting to be with her and only her. The term "cowgirl" piggybacks on the fears that female sexuality is overpowering black magic. I would like to see the poly community retire this dismissive word.

I have also heard the term "cowboy" for the opposite gender/same concept.

While I agree that the hinge person has free will and no one can MAKE them do things, I do recognize that there can come a point where someone who agreed to a polyamorous arrangement in good faith might change their mind and try to renegotiate terms, if they do it in a sneaky, deceptive, or manipulative way, it might deserve some scorn. If they simply state one day that they are struggling with sharing a partner, that gives people a fair chance to work on things, make decisions, or break up if necessary.

But merely because one is poly, doesn't mean that one will always do what is loving and ethical...some folks of course, just don't.

JK40: Those who are advising you to try and slow down are not trying to be insulting. Pretty much everybody here has felt that heightened excitement of a new or new-ish partner (hell I'm still there sometimes with partner of 18 months)... I have a saying: "Avoid making life changing decisions, while under the effect of emotional duress." I also talked in another thread recently about how mostly if I'm making choices letting emotion take the wheel, it had better be an emergency, no time to think.

You have time to think. You know you do. But it might FEEL like you need to have some reassurance and some security in this relationship, right now. Maybe not? Look, if it lasts, you will have plenty of opportunities to find ways to celebrate your joy and your love. But certain logistical realities (like living together) are just not practical. Is that a problem? Well, maybe you need to evaluate your needs. That can take time, it's a work in process and that is ok. In a recent discussion group at the BDSM club I attend, we talked about our needs versus our wants, and what that meant to each of us. (Not survival needs, but like...relationship needs.)

For me, a need is important to my happiness, mental, emotional and social health. If I don't have it, I won't feel satisfied, I'll be longing for something to change and feeling restless and discontent. My life won't feel complete, or whole. And in the discussion group, I referenced this post from my blog:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=334621&postcount=365

Now, I will be perfectly honest with you, while I NEED a lot of Zen's time...it would be possible for me to be content and happy even not living with him. Mostly I want to move in together to make our relationship have less of an impact on my life-balance (which IS mentioned in my needs list)...I spend a lot of time with him, and it's time away from my home, my kid, my cat, my art...I'm sort of trying to consolidate. And I want to get him into a better home and do things that will benefit us both. It...relates to a need. But cohabitation for its own sake? No, not a need.

What do you long for? What needs are driving you to seek reassurance in this relationship? You say you need to know where you're going...why? Why does it need to go to a different place than where it lives now? What place is that? What does an ideal future look like to you, and do you think this man could realistically be part of it? Try to figure out your end before you start demanding blueprints of the future.

 

[Marcus]

The term "cowgirl" piggybacks on the fears that female sexuality is overpowering black magic. I would like to see the poly community retire this dismissive word.

How about poaching? (hunting of game that is off limits)
Or sniping? (like the eBay sniper, swooping in and snagging your goods even though you thought you had it)

I always wondered why it was called "cowgirl". Is that really based on a fear of female sexuality? How did you come to that conclusion?

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Agreed.

For me, XBF and I had some of those. We had a very deep connection and I believe he felt for me as he never has for anyone. BUT...when there was a major crisis in my life, as in damage to home and property, 16 hour days cleaning the mess, trying to save the food in my fridge, etc, I got, "You'll be fine, baby." But he took an afternoon off work to arrange an appliance repair so his wife wouldn't have to make a phone call. Had he been there for me in that crisis...and dealt with a couple of other things better...I might happily be with him today. I never felt a need for marriage, but I DO feel a need to know I'm not alone in a crisis.


Well said. This is all very much my experience.

I believe it's also very typical for the wives to become insecure and jealous. I've said before, the successful lasting Vs here are invariably two men. I've seen many poly wives here trashing the girlfriends--and every girlfriend their husbands find has a fatal flaw, and none of them are good enough. It's a common story and exactly what happened with me--the silent veto game was played by his wife and yes, I was all but forced to break up with him unless I wanted to continue being subjected to her games.

Yes, it is very, very painful.

To me, this is one of the elephants in the room, the thing we're not supposed to talk about. It is natural to want more and more time with someone as our relationship deepens. But secondaries are then called 'cowgirls' for wanting what is very natural to want with the man you have come to love.

I'm in agreement, too, I was very happy with XBF every moment I was with him. But in the end, it was also a great deal of pain, which so far has not ended. It hurts to lose someone you love, it hurts to know that you were ultimately disposable, it hurts to know someone who loves you won't actually protect you from his wife's jealousy, and more.

From the "wife" side of things, how do I know if I am doing a good job at being a poly wife? It seems to me that sometimes people project how they would feel in a situation and assume that that is what someone else is feeling. Have I ever been jealous? Yes. The first time that MrS slept with his ex-girlfriend back in college, I did not handle it the way I would have expected/wanted (details in my Journey blog). When I think I am going somewhere WITH Dude and he leaves me alone among strangers to fend for myself so he can talk to some girl.

But "there for them in a crisis"? Abso-fucking-lutely there. No questions asked, drop everything and run. Get that shit HANDLED. (Here's an example from when Lotus was dating Dude.)

 

[WhatHappened]

From the "wife" side of things, how do I know if I am doing a good job at being a poly wife? It seems to me that sometimes people project how they would feel in a situation and assume that that is what someone else is feeling. Have I ever been jealous? Yes. The first time that MrS slept with his ex-girlfriend back in college, I did not handle it the way I would have expected/wanted (details in my Journey blog).

Tone is always hard to judge in writing, so I don't know if you're suggesting that I'm assuming what his wife was feeling. If so, her behavior was pretty clear. It became very obvious I was not allowed in their home, for instance. He'd relayed a couple of things she had said that made it clear she was very unhappy with not having him always at her beck and call anymore. She was upset about details of our private life and it was pretty clear she was threatened by those--and I'm not going into detail about that on a public forum.

FWIW, you are one of the wives on this forum I have not seen constantly find fault with girlfriends.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm a female in a long term relationship with a female... 8.5 years, practically married. I'd say we have a successful V with her bf as the other arm. They have been together 3+ years. As the "wife," I don't go nitpicking his nature, his deeds, or bitch about the time they spend together. He's good for her and I am glad she has him.

Pixi is a great hinge, and I feel very secure in her love.

Just wanted to point out the MFM are not the only LTRs that can work well. This FFM seems to be just fine. pixi and I live together, she spends one night a week at her bf's nowadays, this could increase, or not. I've got no major issues with this. I did have to speak to her about texting with him a lot in the evenings lately, but the intensity of their chats have increased just lately since he is in the process of buying a house, and wants her for a sounding board, since it's difficult in this market currently.

Her bf is trying to move much closer to us (to be closer to his job, coincidentally), going from 20 miles away to about 5 miles. Will she start spending more time with him if he's closer? We will see.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Tone is always hard to judge in writing, so I don't know if you're suggesting that I'm assuming what his wife was feeling. If so, her behavior was pretty clear. It became very obvious I was not allowed in their home, for instance. He'd relayed a couple of things she had said that made it clear she was very unhappy with not having him always at her beck and call anymore. She was upset about details of our private life and it was pretty clear she was threatened by those--and I'm not going into detail about that on a public forum.

FWIW, you are one of the wives on this forum I have not seen constantly find fault with girlfriends.

Sorry, no, I wasn't assuming that you were misinterpreting her feelings. Actions speak louder than words. But this thread made me pause and take stock and wonder whether I have been inadvertently doing anything that caused someone to misinterpret ME. (It was a selfish question, really)

On the other hand, I have also seen a lot of men (poly or mono) who try to interpret their girlfriend's/wife's feelings without clarification and get things SO WRONG. So if they are passing their interpretations on to their girlfriends...you see how things could get misinterpreted?

So, for example, when Lotus was dating Dude - if he is leaving for a date and I am distracted by something, or tired, or don't want to have sex - when he gets to Lotus's does he say something to her that implies that I wasn't very chipper before he left and they interpret that to mean that I am upset about the amount of time he spends with her. So then they are on guard and "watching" for signs that I am "not really" ok (PS. This totally didn't happen, I am not a passive-aggressive type, and Dude misinterprets everything so we are all very DIRECT communicators.)