MonoVCPHG
New member
Me either. LOL! I'm just feeling my way around too. Although there is a fair bit of light where I am now, thank god.
How important is it that everyone be friends?
- Thread starter purpledreamer
- Start date
Me either. LOL! I'm just feeling my way around too. Although there is a fair bit of light where I am now, thank god.
LuvNWonder
New member
Agreeing with Mono here
Of course, it's not the right solution for everyone, but when it was agreed that a sexual relationship was desirable between my wife and her bf, it was absolutely essential that we be together as a threesome first.
I had to see that he was loving and supportive, he had to see that I was okay with the relationship, and she needed that night of passionate embrace between all three of us to believe it was going to be alright. It did not remove all trace of trepidation for any of us on the day they were together alone, but it took the scary away.
It should be stated that our first years of non-monogamy usually included threesomes, but the emotional impact of this situation was... powerful.
I forgot to address the initial question. At this time we feel that a good budding friendship, and at least comfort with an occasional night all together in bed is a very strong guideline for any relationship either of us take part in. We won't refuse love if it comes calling, but we really *want* our relationships to be between all three or four of us as completely as possible. Her bf and I were friends within minutes of talking with one another and I'm very sad (as is he, I believe) that my work has me so far away from the relationship. I literally was developing a crush and he was very comfortable.
So for us, friends all around, or better, if at all possible. My recent girlfriend was not willing to have such a relationship with my wife. Even friends did not seem possible. So I'm left now with a great deal of time to reflect on what a great guy I think I am, hang out in forums, and read.
sorry. I have a habit of rambling.
Brian
Of course, it's not the right solution for everyone, but when it was agreed that a sexual relationship was desirable between my wife and her bf, it was absolutely essential that we be together as a threesome first.
I had to see that he was loving and supportive, he had to see that I was okay with the relationship, and she needed that night of passionate embrace between all three of us to believe it was going to be alright. It did not remove all trace of trepidation for any of us on the day they were together alone, but it took the scary away.
It should be stated that our first years of non-monogamy usually included threesomes, but the emotional impact of this situation was... powerful.
I forgot to address the initial question. At this time we feel that a good budding friendship, and at least comfort with an occasional night all together in bed is a very strong guideline for any relationship either of us take part in. We won't refuse love if it comes calling, but we really *want* our relationships to be between all three or four of us as completely as possible. Her bf and I were friends within minutes of talking with one another and I'm very sad (as is he, I believe) that my work has me so far away from the relationship. I literally was developing a crush and he was very comfortable.
So for us, friends all around, or better, if at all possible. My recent girlfriend was not willing to have such a relationship with my wife. Even friends did not seem possible. So I'm left now with a great deal of time to reflect on what a great guy I think I am, hang out in forums, and read.
sorry. I have a habit of rambling.
Brian
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GroundedSpirit
New member
All good advice
I totally agree with what seems to be the overall sentiments of the group here that, at minimum, a level of friendship is really important for any long-term stability.
I think any "poly" relationship that involves one of the group really NOT being poly is dangerous water to cross and if there's someone kind of "out of the loop" then it's the seeds of disaster. We end up back at that all important "C" word - communication. If you can't all communicate openly and honestly, the hole is in the boat, so to speak. Just a question of how long before she sinks.
A possible additional note to these situations that seem to crop up a lot-- whenever we have found situations of a possible poly/mono connection, we've learned to be VERY careful, if not avoid them entirely, unless we have a long sit-down-and-talk session with all involved, INCLUDING especially the mono person.
It's all too common in these type of situations for that one mono person to be "just going along to keep peace," hoping it's a phase that their poly-inclined partner is going through, etc., and that internally they are roiling and in extreme anguish. We don't want to be a party to that, unless there is some extreme extenuating circumstance we discover that seems to justify it. We've never found that circumstance, to date!
So my advice here is: be careful, put up your antennae, go slow and be honest about what you detect, even if it exposes a reality different than the dream.
I totally agree with what seems to be the overall sentiments of the group here that, at minimum, a level of friendship is really important for any long-term stability.
I think any "poly" relationship that involves one of the group really NOT being poly is dangerous water to cross and if there's someone kind of "out of the loop" then it's the seeds of disaster. We end up back at that all important "C" word - communication. If you can't all communicate openly and honestly, the hole is in the boat, so to speak. Just a question of how long before she sinks.
A possible additional note to these situations that seem to crop up a lot-- whenever we have found situations of a possible poly/mono connection, we've learned to be VERY careful, if not avoid them entirely, unless we have a long sit-down-and-talk session with all involved, INCLUDING especially the mono person.
It's all too common in these type of situations for that one mono person to be "just going along to keep peace," hoping it's a phase that their poly-inclined partner is going through, etc., and that internally they are roiling and in extreme anguish. We don't want to be a party to that, unless there is some extreme extenuating circumstance we discover that seems to justify it. We've never found that circumstance, to date!
So my advice here is: be careful, put up your antennae, go slow and be honest about what you detect, even if it exposes a reality different than the dream.
redpepper
Active member
Thanks for putting this on here. Mono and I didn't have our first time together like this, and I wouldn't suggest it for everyone, but once we all started sleeping together, and having sex together occasionally, it changed the dynamic to something more comfortable. It seems that when there is a bit of an imbalance going on, we spend time together in this way and it balances out again. We all believe it will be all right afterwards, and it takes the scary away. The actual act is very different than when we are alone, in that we all give each other space and are respectful of one another's "turn." It really is indicative of how we are in life, but focused and under a microscope, kind of, if that makes sense.
When my husband and I were dating a man last year-- who happened to be cheating on his wife, unbeknown to us. Lesson learned on that one! Always talk to the wife first!-- it became evident that this man was in love with me and I had strong feelings for him at the time too. My husband picked up on that in our time together sexually and we changed our relationship... I don't think any of us would've picked up on the subtleties of our relationship if we had not all been having sex together. This is certainly true now with Mono.
Sweetheart
New member
Our own experiences have varied. We have had a serious FMF relationship as well as a semi-serious MFM relationship. In addition, there have been a couple V relationships. Each situation was completely different.
In our FMF relationship, we each had a very different relationship with her, and never had a threesome together. People got along in different degrees.
In the MFM relationship, it began between the two of them, but I had already met him, and was comfortable with him. By the time we had our threesome, there was already a certain level of trust and friendship, so it was a small step. In that relationship, there were never any negative emotions between the three of us, and in that regard we were very lucky. We just had a great chemistry.
In our Vs, we haven't always been as fortunate. What we have discovered through hard experience is that if anyone in the mix is uncomfortable with anyone else, we do everything we can to iron it out right at the start. If, after lots of kindness, humor, affection, communication and reaching out, the discomfort still exists, then it's just not going to work, no matter how badly we want it to. Sometimes one of us just gets a bad vibe about somebody, and can't seem to shake it.
Since jealousy hasn't really been an issue for us, we always listen to each other if one of us gets an intuition about somebody new. We've learned to trust each other on this, and it has paid off. We never say, "Don't see so-and-so", but we might talk about red flags that we've noticed. Basically, if it is going to be something long-term, then everyone has to be friends (at the very least), and be able to communicate freely with everyone else involved, without a go-between.
In our FMF relationship, we each had a very different relationship with her, and never had a threesome together. People got along in different degrees.
In the MFM relationship, it began between the two of them, but I had already met him, and was comfortable with him. By the time we had our threesome, there was already a certain level of trust and friendship, so it was a small step. In that relationship, there were never any negative emotions between the three of us, and in that regard we were very lucky. We just had a great chemistry.
In our Vs, we haven't always been as fortunate. What we have discovered through hard experience is that if anyone in the mix is uncomfortable with anyone else, we do everything we can to iron it out right at the start. If, after lots of kindness, humor, affection, communication and reaching out, the discomfort still exists, then it's just not going to work, no matter how badly we want it to. Sometimes one of us just gets a bad vibe about somebody, and can't seem to shake it.
Since jealousy hasn't really been an issue for us, we always listen to each other if one of us gets an intuition about somebody new. We've learned to trust each other on this, and it has paid off. We never say, "Don't see so-and-so", but we might talk about red flags that we've noticed. Basically, if it is going to be something long-term, then everyone has to be friends (at the very least), and be able to communicate freely with everyone else involved, without a go-between.
MonoVCPHG
New member
Last night, Redpepper came over to my house, as is normal two nights a week. Her husband seemed very quiet and withdrawn, which concerned us both. Redpepper offered to hang out with him, and I was certainly willing to forego our night, if it would have made him feel better. He did not want us to come back or change our plans. Redpepper called him a couple of times to confirm this and see how he was doing.
Today I offered to help him do some maintenance on their rental suite. We both tackled it and got it done in no time, which freed him up to spend more time with Redpepper before our upcoming night of dancing. (Which is tonight, in fact, a birthday thing for Redpepper.) I then got to ask him how he was doing, and if things were good. He opened up and everything is good.
Sometimes it is hard for me to not associate every problem or disconnect they have with my presence in his life. We are friends, and through that we all get a sense of support and it makes this experience so much better in our dynamic.
In our level of integration and vision of the future there really is no other option but to not only know each other, but to love each other.
Today I offered to help him do some maintenance on their rental suite. We both tackled it and got it done in no time, which freed him up to spend more time with Redpepper before our upcoming night of dancing. (Which is tonight, in fact, a birthday thing for Redpepper.) I then got to ask him how he was doing, and if things were good. He opened up and everything is good.
Sometimes it is hard for me to not associate every problem or disconnect they have with my presence in his life. We are friends, and through that we all get a sense of support and it makes this experience so much better in our dynamic.
In our level of integration and vision of the future there really is no other option but to not only know each other, but to love each other.
C
Ceoli
Guest
For me, that would be a red flag. I would want to know why she's vehemently against that.
redpepper
Active member
I'm not sure what you mean by she isn't wanting to reach out. Do you mean she doesn't want you to?
If that is what you mean, I would call that a big red flag. To me, that isn't poly, but an open relationship. Which is fine, but just a different set of rules than poly.
I would wonder what she is hiding, or they are hiding, and whether or not I am really loved and cared for as much as she says. I would wonder if she were really just checking out if this person was worth leaving me for.
Bowvine
New member
She says she doesn't want me to poison their relationship. That it is separate from her and me. She doesn't want ME to talk to him. She has made the ultimatum that if I do, I will be dumped.
What you say you would wonder about, Redpepper, is exactly what I have been thinking. I feel that she has made her other relationship more of a priority than healing ours.
She has said my questioning her is like attacking her, even when I ask calmly. It's a mess, and I don't feel like it is poly either, that she just wants to do what she wants to do, without any rules or regard for my feelings. What a mess.
What you say you would wonder about, Redpepper, is exactly what I have been thinking. I feel that she has made her other relationship more of a priority than healing ours.
She has said my questioning her is like attacking her, even when I ask calmly. It's a mess, and I don't feel like it is poly either, that she just wants to do what she wants to do, without any rules or regard for my feelings. What a mess.
MonoVCPHG
New member
This is not healthy, my friend. It reeks of deception, and not of a poly approach. Especially the "dumping" issue. I doubt this guy even really knows about you. I think it is you who should do the dumping. Sorry, but you have to look out for yourself in this, I think.
Bowvine
New member
Yes, one of my big concerns is self preservation and showing up for myself. The hardest thing is letting go of someone you love, because it will hurt to not be around her in the same capacity. I have a very strong relationship with her 3-year old, too. It's like these things I can't give up, but in order to love myself, I will have to, if things don't change.
MonoVCPHG
New member
Beautiful statement, and very true, IMO. Not loving yourself is more damaging than denying love for others.
Bowvine
New member
I just called her and said, this is hard for both of us. I think it best if we just take some space until Wednesday night (when we're supposed to get together) and see how we feel then. I told her I love her and then I got off the phone. I need to take care of myself so after work today, it's self work I go.
redpepper
Active member
I'm so sorry this is what is going on for you. Having chatted with you in PMs, I really think at this point if she is saying you will "poison" her relationship, she doesn't love you any more. Go find someone who wants to share everything with you. Get out before you give her the pleasure of being the first to say it's done.
Please ask her to stop saying she is poly, too, as it's bullshit. She doesn't know what the meaning of the word is.
Please ask her to stop saying she is poly, too, as it's bullshit. She doesn't know what the meaning of the word is.
juliepatchoulie
New member
New and Still Tryin'
Well, I have moved forward. Now the only problem I am having is finding the right third party for this relationship I am now in. I really have trouble with acceptance, and I know that it is important to be able to interact. OMG. I mean, I really don't get on too well with most women, because it always ends up being about the same old shit. You guys have got a lot of patience and understanding that I do not readily have available. Maybe I am jaded!
Well, I have moved forward. Now the only problem I am having is finding the right third party for this relationship I am now in. I really have trouble with acceptance, and I know that it is important to be able to interact. OMG. I mean, I really don't get on too well with most women, because it always ends up being about the same old shit. You guys have got a lot of patience and understanding that I do not readily have available. Maybe I am jaded!
purpledreamer
New member
update
So, I gave her some space, and then recently reached out to her again in the form of an email, expressing my well wishes toward her, and my hopes for us to be friends. That was a few weeks ago. I've yet to receive any kind of response. I asked to have a chat with her and my SO in a few days to talk about things. I am hopeful this will sort some things out.
I was told yesterday, however, that she has recently said she is not happy about him 'sleeping with other women,' so I am beginning to wonder if this is her viewpoint, if there will ever be any peace between us, let alone love or friendship.
If this is the case, how this will effect my relating with IamWhoIam?
Does anyone here have any experience with being in a poly relationship where they didn't have peace with their SO's primary partner?
How did you work this?
Did you just avoid going over to their house when the partner was there? Can that work?
I really need some practical advice here. I'm hoping for some positive stories of making the best of a sticky situation. I currently feel unwelcome in their home.
I have been told not to show affection toward IamWhoIam in front of her, as it upsets her. Is this a really warped dynamic? Do people think there is hope to turn the situation around? Thanks for your input, guys. Much appreciated.
So, I gave her some space, and then recently reached out to her again in the form of an email, expressing my well wishes toward her, and my hopes for us to be friends. That was a few weeks ago. I've yet to receive any kind of response. I asked to have a chat with her and my SO in a few days to talk about things. I am hopeful this will sort some things out.
I was told yesterday, however, that she has recently said she is not happy about him 'sleeping with other women,' so I am beginning to wonder if this is her viewpoint, if there will ever be any peace between us, let alone love or friendship.
If this is the case, how this will effect my relating with IamWhoIam?
Does anyone here have any experience with being in a poly relationship where they didn't have peace with their SO's primary partner?
How did you work this?
Did you just avoid going over to their house when the partner was there? Can that work?
I really need some practical advice here. I'm hoping for some positive stories of making the best of a sticky situation. I currently feel unwelcome in their home.
I have been told not to show affection toward IamWhoIam in front of her, as it upsets her. Is this a really warped dynamic? Do people think there is hope to turn the situation around? Thanks for your input, guys. Much appreciated.
GroundedSpirit
New member
Doesn't seem like a good situation for anyone, to me. It's hard to get a complete picture of all the cast from your writing, but it "seems" that his SO has has no interest in sharing anything (may or not be accurate?) and no interest in really investigating the pros and cons, at all. Again, from your writing, is seems monogamy is her choice/belief system?
If indeed this is the case, I think you'll have to accept the fact that, given it's current direction, eventually he is going to be forced to make a choice. Or it may be made for him.
Somebody (everybody?) is going to probably get hurt. So I guess I'd be prepared for the worst.
If indeed this is the case, I think you'll have to accept the fact that, given it's current direction, eventually he is going to be forced to make a choice. Or it may be made for him.
Somebody (everybody?) is going to probably get hurt. So I guess I'd be prepared for the worst.
purpledreamer
New member
Thanks for the advice, Grounded Spirit. You're right, it's not a good situation. I agree that everyone is getting hurt.
Following his request that he and I don't have sex (or do anything physical that may challenge her) for a period of time, which he says is for him to maintain his peace, I decided that I will not be romantically involved with him. I didn't feel right waiting around any longer for what I can and can't do, depending on where their relationship is at at any particular moment.
He doesn't seem to really understand what my aversion to this is about, and I believe he thinks it is me being reactive. While there is an element of this, its more an issue of my own integrity. If I compromise my integrity again (having previously agreed to a period of no-sex, as requested by her) by complying with a request that I believe would not be in line with with us all being open, honest, and acting with integrity, then I wonder where I draw the line in the future.
I also don't see that the request is actually going to SOLVE anything. I therefore see it as a pointless exercise, that just seeks to restrict relating. I entered into my relationship with him with the understanding that we were going to try and relate WITHOUT restrictions.
I love him a lot, and have decided to give it a few more weeks of being 'just friends' with him, while I await some type of outcome, decision, or break-up from him and his live-in partner. If this occurs, then I will be open to continue dating him again. However, if they can't manage this, then I will have to accept that there is no future for us in this way. However, I fear that they will just come to another 'temporary outcome,' where she says she is willing to accept things, and then, another month down the track, all the drama will start up again.
He says that when she gets 'really clear,' she realises everything is ok and she is fine with his other relationships. However this seems to be more of a fleeting moment, surrounding by days/weeks or saying it's NOT OKAY.
I think he needs to respect what she is saying, that she is not happy for him to be seeing other people. But I can see that he doesn't want to accept it (for the obvious reason that he wants to still be in a relationship with her, as well as me and his other gf).
I think that HE needs to make the decision to either remain with her, and have a monogamous relationship, or break up with her, and continue to have polyamorous relationships with me and his other SO.
I don't want to have it be an ultimatum: her or me. But I think it has come to this. I can't be with him if he is in a relationship where one partner is feeling hurt every time he sees me.
I feel I have some kind of moral responsibility also to not do this. Or is the responsibility really HIS? I guess I ALWAYS have the responsibility to myself to do what I feel is right... I'll just have to see what the next few weeks bring.
Any advice/reassurance is welcome.
Following his request that he and I don't have sex (or do anything physical that may challenge her) for a period of time, which he says is for him to maintain his peace, I decided that I will not be romantically involved with him. I didn't feel right waiting around any longer for what I can and can't do, depending on where their relationship is at at any particular moment.
He doesn't seem to really understand what my aversion to this is about, and I believe he thinks it is me being reactive. While there is an element of this, its more an issue of my own integrity. If I compromise my integrity again (having previously agreed to a period of no-sex, as requested by her) by complying with a request that I believe would not be in line with with us all being open, honest, and acting with integrity, then I wonder where I draw the line in the future.
I also don't see that the request is actually going to SOLVE anything. I therefore see it as a pointless exercise, that just seeks to restrict relating. I entered into my relationship with him with the understanding that we were going to try and relate WITHOUT restrictions.
I love him a lot, and have decided to give it a few more weeks of being 'just friends' with him, while I await some type of outcome, decision, or break-up from him and his live-in partner. If this occurs, then I will be open to continue dating him again. However, if they can't manage this, then I will have to accept that there is no future for us in this way. However, I fear that they will just come to another 'temporary outcome,' where she says she is willing to accept things, and then, another month down the track, all the drama will start up again.
He says that when she gets 'really clear,' she realises everything is ok and she is fine with his other relationships. However this seems to be more of a fleeting moment, surrounding by days/weeks or saying it's NOT OKAY.
I think he needs to respect what she is saying, that she is not happy for him to be seeing other people. But I can see that he doesn't want to accept it (for the obvious reason that he wants to still be in a relationship with her, as well as me and his other gf).
I think that HE needs to make the decision to either remain with her, and have a monogamous relationship, or break up with her, and continue to have polyamorous relationships with me and his other SO.
I don't want to have it be an ultimatum: her or me. But I think it has come to this. I can't be with him if he is in a relationship where one partner is feeling hurt every time he sees me.
I feel I have some kind of moral responsibility also to not do this. Or is the responsibility really HIS? I guess I ALWAYS have the responsibility to myself to do what I feel is right... I'll just have to see what the next few weeks bring.
Any advice/reassurance is welcome.