Hi Reverie,
Re (from
OP):
"I posted a 'Happy Birthday' to her on her Facebook page -- nothing overly personal, just the same generic well-wishing I put on literally each of my acquaintances' pages -- and she deleted it. That seemed to me to be an act of overt hostility. So I begin to wonder if the situation is hopeless; does she just despise me, and there's nothing I can do about it?"
Well let's start with the possibility that she may not dig birthdays as much as most people do. I mean I know for my own part, I would do away with all "happy birthdays" and birthday parties if I could. It's all such a hassle and doesn't mean much to me. I'm an atheist and have no expectation of an afterlife, so to me a birthday is just getting one year closer to the end of it all. How depressing.
But I'm being selfish, as the whole world isn't obligated to feel like I do. Other people love birthday greetings and parties and it's mean of me to wish they didn't have such. So, I try to be a good sport and wish people happy birthday and stuff, but my point here is that some people have a different perspective about birthdays from what one might expect.
Next, I am thinking that while she is willing to be polite and shake your hand, that's probably all the friendliness she wants in her relationship with you. To her, birthday greetings probably go beyond the basic politeness she wants and thus, are like a personal boundary for her. This means that while she isn't necessarily trying to be hostile, she still feels she has a right to defend her own boundary by deleting a birthday greeting she'd rather not receive.
Even if she indulges other people's birthday wishes to her, that may be because they're not metamours to her, and she may have a special personal boundary that applies to metamours only. Maybe it's her dysfunctional way of coping with having a metamour who she'd rather not think about if she could help it. Perhaps it would be healthier for her to be friendlier with her metamours, but she does have the privilege of coping with things dysfunctionally as long as the damage is no worse than a deleted Facebook post.
To you, what she did was terrifically hurtful. To her, it may seem no worse than drawing a line around her "personal space" and deleting anything that crosses that line. In a nutshell, I just don't believe she perceives things in the way you and I would perceive them. She has her own unique perception of the world. She is like a turtle who is much more at ease inside her shell. She probably hates peeking her head out.
---
Re:
"What level of friendliness do you need to have with your metas in order to be comfortable and happy?"
While I would
*like* to be friendly with my metas, I don't require it. A wave and a handshake would be plenty, and they can avoid me as much as they want as long as it doesn't interfere with my relationship with our shared partner.
Re:
"Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like your metamour hates you?"
Hate would be too strong of a word, but I have to say there were times (in the early years) when I desperately feared that my metamour resented me, or at least resented my encounters/relationship with his wife.
Re:
"If so, how did you deal?"
Oh, really bloody poorly. We all (We're an MFM V) learned a lot of things the hard way in those early years. I was completely paranoid, and expected my metamour to veto me at any moment. And for all I know, he probably expected me to veto him! He had the advantage of being "The Established Relationship." I had the advantage of being "The New and Shiny." It was a Mexican standoff.
Re:
"Was it able to be resolved?"
Yes, finally. Part of the resolution, though, was that my metamour and I had to live in separate domiciles for awhile.
Re:
Thank gods it seems to have "ended" well.
Re:
"Did you find yourself starting to hate them back, out of frustration?"
There were times when I was fit to be tied over him.
Re:
"Did it strain your relationship with your partner?"
Very much so.
Re:
"Have you ended a relationship over poor metamour relations?"
There was a time when it looked like I might. Thankfully, that disaster was averted.
Re:
It was probably healthy for me to say, "Things need to improve between all three of us. If I can't detect any significant improvement by the start of next year, I am going to have to break up with you." It wasn't a rule, it was a boundary. Still, I'm glad I didn't have to follow through on it.
On the same token, I do regret many aspects of how I acted back in those days. I was definitely causing a huge part of the problem.
Re:
"Did you get back together with that person if/when their relationship with the problematic person ended?"
Fate smiled upon me and rescued me from the entire scenario underpinning that question. You may ask, "Well, what if she had ended her relationship with him, after you had broken up with her? Would you have gotten back together with her?" Well I probably would have, but I have to tell you, I would have eventually regretted not having my ex-metamour in our life. And would she have resented me for causing him to leave? Eh, I think she'd be too mature to resent me ... but I might at least feel like she had a right to resent me!
---
Well it sounds like things aren't meant to pan out for you and Rider, and I'm sincerely sorry about that. On the other hand, you have certain needs, and it doesn't look like those needs can be met in this relationship. Everyone has their own particular needs. I have mine. And I don't apologize for them. I've been known to demonstrate that I can sever someone from my life without a backward glance -- no matter how close of kith and kin they were to me.
And I don't suppose the bulk of my post here adds much useful info. I admit, I wrote almost all of it without reading beyond your first post on this thread. Still it's another perspective, for whatever that's worth. I did read the rest of the thread and didn't think there was anything more for me to add at this time. A lot of bases have already been covered here.
Be at peace, as much as possible in this chaotic world.
Regards and sympathy,
Kevin T.