How long does it take to not feel horrible when your primary and secondary partner are bonding alone?

L

LoriC

New member
Hello,

I am in a new poly relationship with my husband of 17 years. We have a girlfriend who originally fell in love with me (I am the wife) and then had feelings for my husband. We have known her as a friend for 8 years and were very close to her before this came about. We both equally want to be with her. However, it has only been a month of this.

My husband and she stayed in a hotel alone for the first time. By the next day I felt anger, rage, betrayal and all the same things you feel if someone cheats. We all have a tremendous respect and communication style in this relationship. There is no betrayal, whatsoever. Still, I am so hurt by their bonding. How long does this last? And when does the relationship between us all begin to feel normal? Any advice is appreciated.
 
Get some rest and be kind to yourself. Work with this difficult emotion the same way as you would work with other difficult emotions.
  1. feel them, explore them, and be compassionate with them (yourself)
  2. see if they are justified in telling you something important about the current situation
  3. to the extent they are justified in the current situation, take appropriate action (aka talk to your husband, ask for reasonable changes)
  4. to the extent they are not necessarily bound to the current situation (childhood triggers, assumptions that you know aren't true etc.) take appropriate selfcare (time out, writing here, therapist...)
---------------------------------------------

There are some things unclear in the story you have written. What strikes me is the timeline. You say "it's been only a month" and "she has fallen in love first with me, then him". Did she manage that in a month? If so, weird.
Or did you date her before? And it's been a month since she's dating your husband as well?

Btw. please choose nicknames for husband and girlfriend to facilitate discussions (although this is not terribly twisted in terms of people involved yet ;))

---------------------------------------------

I have a hypothesis you might want to consider, but perhaps it's completely off. Maybe your betrayal and grief aren't all about him bonding with someone. It could be you were hoping to date her, began falling in love even, and now it seems she's more interested in him? ;) These are the reasons why triads tend to be somewhat unstable. But you've known her 8 years already and you're all on board wanting this. That helps. So maybe it will work out!
 
Hello LoriC,

It sounds like you thought staying in a hotel was something your husband and girlfriend would never do. You thought that that was an obvious rule, obvious enough that you didn't have to state it. So naturally when they broke that rule, you felt anger, rage, and betrayal. Your husband and girlfriend have cheated on you. It is appropriate for you to be mad about that.

The first thing you should do is give that rule voice: "There will be no more hotels," or, "There will be no more one-on-one." Then you should express your feelings, tell them that when they stayed in the hotel, you felt anger, rage, and betrayal. Suggest ways they might be able to make up for their infraction. Or ways they might be able to help you feel okay about their relationship.

It takes about a year to not feel horrible when your primary and secondary partner are bonding alone. But that is a very approximate figure, it could easily be more or less than a year. The saying is, "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." You are in your storming year right now. So about a year before it all begins to feel normal.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
For me, I’d have a hard time if 2 of my partners started seeing each other. Upon reflection, it is fully my own insecurity. It’s one thing if a partner leaves me (or reduces time with me) for someone else. It’s a whole other ballgame to be reduced by 2 partners that want to spend more time with each other-- double-hurt at once. Especially if I have no other partners for support! I never want to feel double-hurt at once. My capacity to deal with that is not large enough. For that reason I prefer not to even go there.

I feel for your situation and wish you strength and the communication you need from both of them to feel secure. ❤️
 
Try to get at the root of your feelings. There’s a thought you are having that makes you feel that way.

1. Have you stayed overnight at a hotel alone with her?
2. Did they discuss this with you before it happened or was it sprung on you?
3. Are you wanting her (or him) all to yourself?
4. What was your fantasy relationship when you first started seeing her? How is what is happening different than that fantasy?

Questions like this can reveal why you feel so strongly. As in my post above, I’m uncomfortable because of a scenario I made up in my head that hasn’t happened. I occasionally catastrophize in my mind. (It's something I’m working on.)

Figure out what’s really making you feel this way then you’ll be better able to deal with it.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
kdt26417 said:
Hello LoriC,

It sounds like you thought staying in a hotel was something your husband and girlfriend would never do. You thought that that was an obvious rule, obvious enough that you didn't have to state it. So naturally when they broke that rule, you felt anger, rage, and betrayal. Your husband and girlfriend have cheated on you. It is appropriate for you to be mad about that.

The first thing you should do is give that rule voice: "There will be no more hotels," or, "There will be no more one-on-one." Then you should express your feelings, tell them that when they stayed in the hotel, you felt anger, rage, and betrayal. Suggest ways they might be able to make up for their infraction. Or ways they might be able to help you feel okay about their relationship.

It takes about a year to not feel horrible when your primary and secondary partner are bonding alone. But that is a very approximate figure, it could easily be more or less than a year. The saying is, "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." You are in your storming year right now. So about a year before it all begins to feel normal.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Dude. There’s nowhere in the OP’s original post that says they are hierarchical in any sort of way where she gets to “give that rule voice”. She can have feelings about things, and maybe they will all decide that “no more hotels” is reasonable, but…just because it’s reasonable for her to feel upset about it doesn’t mean she gets to make rules.

That said, I agree with your point about it taking time to adjust is TOTALLY true, especially if OP hasn’t had a chance to have the same one-on-one _romantic_ bonding time. (Yes, you were already friends, but romantic time feels different, and that’s fine.)

Also, given she was both your friend and “she fell in love with you first” that would totally make it FAR more difficult to deal with them being together, because you’re feeling jealousy about two relationships at once. You don’t have to act on that jealousy. You can just feel it and let it pass.
 
You can't put a timeline on working through jealousy or envy. Some people naturally go right to compersion: being happy your SO is happy. Others get triggered, as icesong pointed out, because others bonding can subconsciously remind us of childhood traumas.

I am also needing more info.
How long has it been since you and gf decided you romantically loved each other? Are you both bi? Have you consummated?
How long has it been since gf decided she also loved and desired your husband?

There is a ton of info on the board (and elsewhere, online and in books) about the difficulties of triads. You can do a search for the term triad.

Here is a recent one:https://polyamory.com/threads/hey-formerly-mono-couples-opening-up-to-polyamory.155659/
 
You could also look into the difference between jealousy and envy.

Do you want a sexy hotel getaway, with either partner? This is envy.
Or are you fearing loss of your husband's love, or worried that new gf will love your husband more than she loves you? This is jealousy.
 
Tinwen said:
Get some rest and be kind to yourself. Work with this difficult emotion the same way as you would work with other difficult emotions.
  1. feel them, explore them, and be compassionate with them (yourself)
  2. see if they are justified in telling you something important about the current situation
  3. to the extent they are justified in the current situation, take appropriate action (aka talk to your husband, ask for reasonable changes)
  4. to the extent they are not necessarily bound to the current situation (childhood triggers, assumptions that you know aren't true etc.) take appropriate selfcare (time out, writing here, therapist...)
---------------------------------------------

There are some things unclear in the story you have written. What strikes me is the timeline. You say "it's been only a month" and "she has fallen in love first with me, then him". Did she manage that in a month? If so, weird.
Or did you date her before? And it's been a month since she's dating your husband as well?

Btw. please choose nicknames for husband and girlfriend to facilitate discussions (although this is not terribly twisted in terms of people involved yet ;))

---------------------------------------------

I have a hypothesis you might want to consider, but perhaps it's completely off. Maybe your betrayal and grief aren't all about him bonding with someone. It could be you were hoping to date her, began falling in love even, and now it seems she's more interested in him? ;) These are the reasons why triads tend to be somewhat unstable. But you've known her 8 years already and you're all on board wanting this. That helps. So maybe it will work out!
Click to expand...
I'll call my husband Steve, my girlfriend Tyler, and I am Lisa. Tyler fell in love with me in our friendship. We've all known each other 8 years. Tyler has worked at our business for 4 of those years. She and I have spent at least 4-5 days a week together as friends very closely over the last 2 years. So, she is either at work with us, or with me at home and very integrated into our daily lives.

The love happened over that time period, which led Tyler to having feelings for us both, but mostly me, since my friendship with her was closer and more of a daily thing. She told us because the floodgates opened and she could barely be around me without having intense sexual/love feelings. When it extended to Steve, she knew she had to say something, so as not to cause a problem. That was a month ago.

The moment Tyler said she was in love with me, my heart burst open. We all found each other in an instant relationship at that point. Tyler and Steve say they are falling in love, but that the love of each for me, at this time, is greater. I believe them, see that, etc. However, since there is allowance for a triad, they are bonding. This is extremely difficult for me.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello LoriC,

It sounds like you thought staying in a hotel was something your husband and girlfriend would never do. You thought that that was an obvious rule, obvious enough that you didn't have to state it. So naturally when they broke that rule, you felt anger, rage, and betrayal. Your husband and girlfriend have cheated on you. It is appropriate for you to be mad about that.

The first thing you should do is give that rule voice: "There will be no more hotels," or, "There will be no more one-on-one." Then you should express your feelings, tell them that when they stayed in the hotel, you felt anger, rage, and betrayal. Suggest ways they might be able to make up for their infraction. Or ways they might be able to help you feel okay about their relationship.

It takes about a year to not feel horrible when your primary and secondary partner are bonding alone. But that is a very approximate figure, it could easily be more or less than a year. The saying is, "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." You are in your storming year right now. So about a year before it all begins to feel normal.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Thank you for the timeframe, Kevin. That helps. The hotel was discussed beforehand. No cheating whatsoever. But still felt the same. I know they need to bond for this to work. I just didn't know I would feel so awful afterwards.
 
Bobbi said:
For me, I’d have a hard time if 2 of my partners started seeing each other. Upon reflection, it is fully my own insecurity. It’s one thing if a partner leaves me (or reduces time with me) for someone else. It’s a whole other ballgame to be reduced by 2 partners that want to spend more time with each other-- double-hurt at once. Especially if I have no other partners for support! I never want to feel double-hurt at once. My capacity to deal with that is not large enough. For that reason I prefer not to even go there.

I feel for your situation and wish you strength and the communication you need from both of them to feel secure. ❤️
Click to expand...
Yes, so when they are together I feel this abandonment. Plus the newness of the whole situation and none of us have ever been poly before. It's a completely organic situation that sort of forced us to poly but willing to deal with it all for this love. I didn't think about it in terms of being double hurt at once but you're right. Thank you for that.
 
icesong said:
Dude. There’s nowhere in the OP’s original post that says they are hierarchical in any sort of way where she gets to “give that rule voice”. She can have feelings about things, and maybe they will all decide that “no more hotels” is reasonable, but…just because it’s reasonable for her to feel upset about it doesn’t mean she gets to make rules.

That said, I agree with your point about it taking time to adjust is TOTALLY true, especially if OP hasn’t had a chance to have the same one-on-one _romantic_ bonding time. (Yes, you were already friends, but romantic time feels different, and that’s fine.)

Also, given she was both your friend and “she fell in love with you first” that would totally make it FAR more difficult to deal with them being together, because you’re feeling jealousy about two relationships at once. You don’t have to act on that jealousy. You can just feel it and let it pass.
Click to expand...
To be clear about the rule voice, there is a hierarchy, at the moment, because our marriage is 17 years and our relationship with her is 1 month in this romantic way. We are very communicative, but she's clear that the marriage comes first and that I have to be comfortable with each new thing or it doesn't happen. And yes, romantic is very different from before, altough that was bleeding through the friendship already.
 
Bobbi said:
Try to get at the root of your feelings. There’s a thought you are having that makes you feel that way.

1. Have you stayed overnight at a hotel alone with her?
2. Did they discuss this with you before it happened or was it sprung on you?
3. Are you wanting her (or him) all to yourself?
4. What was your fantasy relationship when you first started seeing her? How is what is happening different than that fantasy?

Questions like this can reveal why you feel so strongly. As in my post above, I’m uncomfortable because of a scenario I made up in my head that hasn’t happened. I occasionally catastrophize in my mind. (It's something I’m working on.)

Figure out what’s really making you feel this way then you’ll be better able to deal with it.
Click to expand...
I have stayed in a hotel with Tyler once. That was the plan, so we could each work on the 2's bonding appropriately. Steve was not as bothered by this as I am. We all discussed it, even our fears beforehand. It was not sprung on me. I am grieving my marriage the way that it was, and having fears about it ending because we've done this.

I am worried that Tyler bond with Steve too much and decide that is really what they both want. All those fears are in my head, yes, 100 percent.

I am wanting this to become normal and to enjoy them bonding as much as we 3 bond, but I'm just not there. When I first was seeing Tyler, it was more about the 2 of us. Steve complicates it. For 17 years, we have been in a mono marriage, no cheating, nothing. So my mind is having a hard time adjusting to this new situation.
 
Magdlyn said:
You can't put a timeline on working through jealousy or envy. Some people naturally go right to compersion: being happy your SO is happy. Others get triggered, as icesong pointed out, because others bonding can subconsciously remind us of childhood traumas.

I am also needing more info.
How long has it been since you and gf decided you romantically loved each other? Are you both bi? Have you consummated?
How long has it been since gf decided she also loved and desired your husband?

There is a ton of info on the board (and elsewhere, online and in books) about the difficulties of triads. You can do a search for the term triad.

Here is a recent one:https://polyamory.com/threads/hey-formerly-mono-couples-opening-up-to-polyamory.155659/
Click to expand...
It's been one month since we have realized we are in love. We all started the relationship at that point. Tyler and Steve have been falling in love, while she and I are already in love.

We are both bi. We have consummated. So have they, which only just happened in the hotel. Their love has exponentially increased since the hotel.

I'll go and read this post, as well.
 
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Magdlyn said:
You could also look into the difference between jealousy and envy.

Do you want a sexy hotel getaway, with either partner? This is envy.
Or are you fearing loss of your husband's love, or worried that new gf will love your husband more than she loves you? This is jealousy.
Click to expand...
I think I'm worried about loss of love of both of them, but mostly Steve. He and I have 3 kids, so getting any time like that is unheard of. I can't remember the last time we had a hotel getaway that did not include a child in the middle of our bed or room. So yes, that is part of it. We do not expect her to take on family responsibilities at this point, so I would not ask her to do that for us.
 
Hello Lisa,

I can see why you felt like you were cheated on, first you just thought they were friends with each other, you had no idea they were going to develop feelings for each other, now all of a sudden here they are spending a night together in a hotel. Of course you are going to feel cheated on. There are some things you just have to accept as a part of the process. Their love for each other will feel normal to you eventually.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
LoriC said:
When I first was seeing her, it was more about the 2 of us. He complicates it and for 17 years we have been in a mono marraige. No cheating, nothing so my mind is having a hard time adjusting to this new situation.
Click to expand...
It’s so much easier to be the one in a relationship. We know how we feel. When a partner dates others it’s scary because you don’t get to feel what they are, and it’s very easy for insecurities to take over our mind and then emotions.

You start to question the strength of your relationship. The level of commitment takes a back seat to happiness. I tell myself, “If your relationship is strong and happy, then it will continue. There’s no need to end a happy, healthy relationship in poly, because he can see both of us! It’s poly.”

I think most poly relationships end because they are either not great relationships to begin with, and dating others makes this painfully clear, or insecurities, controlling behavior, manipulative behavior or fights take center stage because of insecurities, and the relationship becomes no longer desirable.

Sometimes it’s just the natural course the relationship would have taken, as love fades and general apathy takes over.

What you are going through takes time. It can be a lot of time, and it’s hard. But you all are NRE drunk right now, so your feelings are on crack. It’s so much harder to deal with a partner in NRE when you are also in NRE, and for the same person, no doubt! I know you want to make it through it. Try to remember this is temporary. You all are NRE drunk and it will chill out as the NRE chills out. Be kind to yourself. It may take a while.
 
So get a babysitter and go have a night with Steve. Tyler doesn't have to be watching the kids, surely you can pay a trusted local teenager.
 
Evie said:
So get a babysitter and go have a night with Steve. Tyler doesn't have to be watching the kids, surely you can pay a trusted local teenager.
Click to expand...
I don’t trust just anyone with my kids and certainly not a local teenager. We have one or two close people that do take them sometimes but a few hours is not an entire hotel night. There is still a big difference.
 
Okay, this is a general question for Millennials and not a target for the OP... what's with this whole lack of babysitter thing? I babysat when I was a teen through my parents' church connections (and I showed up regularly enough that they knew me too.) There was a whole book series called the Babysitters Club, it was A Thing, a right of passage for teens almost, and now Millennial parents have noone to trust? Wtf happened? Why don't y'all have trusted young people to turn to?
 
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