How to break up?

[___3___]

I’ve been in a triad with a married couple for a little over a year. Partner A (we’ll call her Emily) and partner B (we’ll call him Chris) feel that their individual relationships with me are great and are not suffering in any way. (I agree.) However, they have both brought some serious baggage over from their long-term relationship. Now, Emily feels that Chris doesn’t show her the same level of affection and attraction that he holds for me. Honestly, I can see her point. Chris does things to show his love to her, but not in a way that she truly feels it. There are many legit reasons for this, but there’s just so much that I can’t get into a lot of detail. I just wanted to give some background to the situation.

The reason for my post… Things have hit an all-time low. Divorce has been put on the table more than once now. My rule is (and has always been) that I can be with both of them or neither of them. We have discussed the possibility of a metamour situation. But if we do that, Emily wants zero contact with Chris. In the meantime, while all of this discussion is going on, Chris is basically asking me nonstop if I would still want to be with him if things go south. Frankly, it’s just a lot of pressure. I’m starting to wonder if all of this is too much for me. I have a real desire to step back and work on myself for a long while.

Yesterday, I made the offer to give them space for as long as they need to work on their individual relationship. Emily requested that they go away for a week to spend one-on-one time together… to see if she still feels like their relationship is okay on its own. Chris agreed, but wasn’t super happy about it. Everything just feels heavy. If I had known about all of the baggage that existed in their relationship, I would have NEVER said yes to joining them in this triad.

I could ask you guys what I should do. But I think I already know. I really just think I need to be done here. I need to be single and work on myself and heal. So, when they come back home after their getaway, I’m not sure what to expect. Unless things drastically change, I would like to end things. As far as being metamours, it’s something I could possible consider in the future… but ONLY after having adequate time to be by myself and figure out exactly what I want in life.

So… if you were me, how would you say it? I’m not very good at breakups… much less breakups involving two other people. I just want things to end as amicably as possible. Any advice, support, or words of encouragement would be super appreciated.

 

[Evie]

"I've really loved my time with you both but it's clear I've reached the end of this particular journey with us all as lovers. I have some of my own personal work to do so I can really evaluate what I want out of my life and what types of relationship shapes I'd like to be in in the future. I'm also taking time to think about career and travel and familial and spiritual aspects of my life and this is a process that I'd like to do solo for a while. You're both really amazing and I cherish knowing you. Let's stay connected on [social media of choice] but just as friends."

(and then don't get sucked back into a relationship with them)

- these are just some ways to make it about you and your life, not about their relationship breakdown. I hope it gives you a starting point for what you actually end up saying.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening.

I'm a fan of short and sweet. Kind but firm. So maybe something like this. mostly your words...

"I think we all need some time apart. You two have the divorce proceedings. I need to be single and work on myself and heal. If things change over time, I could consider being a hinge in a V where you two are metamours, but that is one of those "wait and see things" for later on. I can't promise anything right now. I'm glad to have known you both and I'd like to part ways amicably. "

Then you just disconnect all the things like social media and all that.

And you know your own self. If time passes and either wants to get back together and it hasn't been enough time for you yet? You say "No."

Because not enough time yet.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ___3___,

Technically, people can have a V where the legs of the V (e.g. Emily and Chris, after their divorce) have zero contact with each other. I do not know whether such would be possible in your specific situation. You do seem to need at least a temporary breakup, and in all likelihood, the temporary breakup would transition into a permanent breakup.

So, I suppose what you would say to them (after they get back from their getaway), would be something like: "I hope you guys are able to work things out with each other, or at least, divorce amicably. In the meantime, I have decided that I need to take a break from the entire situation. The break could transition into a permanent breakup, but I don't know yet. I need some time to myself to figure out what I want in life. I don't rule out an eventual V with very separate legs, but I also don't promise it. Please honor my desire to take a three-month break, and then decide what to do after that. No matter what happens, I cherish what I have with both of you, and will always remember it with fondness and tenderness. Also I don't rule out that the three of us could end up being platonic friends with each other. I just don't know right now. Please give me three months to be by myself and figure things out. Please don't contact me during that time. I'm sorry it has to be that way."

The three-month part, I just kind of threw that in there as one possible example. You could decide how much time you need, whether it be one month, six months, or whatever.

I think you have to keep in mind, that Emily and Chris invited you into their (home and) lives, without being honest with you about the problems they were having with each other. I say that because I do not want you to feel funny or guilty about taking a break and/or breaking up with them. They kind of made their own bed, and should not be surprised if now they have to sleep in it.

I hope you can move out, and that you can find another place to stay. You truly need to be by yourself for a while, you need to have some privacy. Good luck, and keep us posted.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[TXretired]

Hello. Break ups are painful regardless of the why. I commend you for listening to your gut. Follow your gut. As Evie said, make it about you. Hopefully, that minimizes the threat they feel as well as the blame. Own your thought and actions.

Best wishes!

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

My rule is (and has always been) that I can be with both of them or neither of them.

One of the reasons people say Unicorn hunting is unethical is because the Unicorn is potentially coerced to remain in a relationship that doesn't work for them. This could and often does include having sex they do not want.

You're doing the reverse here by coercing two people to remain in a relationship they do not want, presumably because you have not acknowledged the reality that relationships are fragile and most will not last until death. It's also quite narcissistic to take the weight of someone else's break up in the way that you are by making it a rule that they cannot break up. It's about them and what works for them. You've made their entire relationship about you and your needs.

That's why they should break up with you regardless of what they do with each other.

 

[Magdlyn]

One of the reasons people say Unicorn hunting is unethical is because the Unicorn is potentially coerced to remain in a relationship that doesn't work for them. This could and often does include having sex they do not want.

You're doing the reverse here by coercing two people to remain in a relationship they do not want, presumably because you have not acknowledged the reality that relationships are fragile and most will not last until death. It's also quite narcissistic to take the weight of someone else's break up in the way that you are by making it a rule that they cannot break up. It's about them and what works for them. You've made their entire relationship about you and your needs.

That's why they should break up with you regardless of what they do with each other.

I'm sorry, but I do not see any degree of coercion at all.

I do see unrealistic expectations of a smooth and entirely equal triad. As most experienced polyamorists know, triads never develop equally. There will always be imbalance in the way each individual relationship within the three relationships develops. It seems like Chris was unwilling or unable to reassure Emily of his continued feelings and interest in her during the NRE with you.

This couple may have seemed stable when you started dating them, but polyamory has a way of shining a spotlight on the cracks. It's too bad Chris seems to have fallen out of love with Emily as he grew closer to you, but these things happen. I am glad you're getting out for your own mental health. Others have suggested good scripts for how to do it. I wish you well at this painful time.

 

[___3___]

One of the reasons people say Unicorn hunting is unethical is because the Unicorn is potentially coerced to remain in a relationship that doesn't work for them. This could and often does include having sex they do not want.

You're doing the reverse here by coercing two people to remain in a relationship they do not want, presumably because you have not acknowledged the reality that relationships are fragile and most will not last until death. It's also quite narcissistic to take the weight of someone else's break up in the way that you are by making it a rule that they cannot break up. It's about them and what works for them. You've made their entire relationship about you and your needs.

That's why they should break up with you regardless of what they do with each other.

I appreciate your feedback, but I simply don’t agree with you. I am not coercing them to remain in their relationship. I simply stated that, for me and my own needs, I could either be with them both or not be with either of them. I feel like that’s my boundary, take it or leave it.

 

[___3___]

I'm sorry, but I do not see any degree of coercion at all.

I do see unrealistic expectations of a smooth and entirely equal triad. As most experienced polyamorists know, triads never develop equally. There will always be imbalance in the way each individual relationship within the three relationships develops. It seems like Chris was unwilling or unable to reassure Emily of his continued feelings and interest in her during the NRE with you.

This couple may have seemed stable when you started dating them, but polyamory has a way of shining a spotlight on the cracks. It's too bad Chris seems to have fallen out of love with Emily as he grew closer to you, but these things happen. I am glad you're getting out for your own mental health. Others have suggested good scripts for how to do it. I wish you well at this painful time.

Thank you for your response. I really do appreciate it. You’re right about triads rarely developing equally on all sides. I know (and have always known) which relationship would be more sexual and passionate, and which one would be more emotional. Fulfilling different needs in one another is something we are all comfortable with.

Like you said, I do feel the need to get out for my own mental health. It’s hard to say goodbye. And I’m not self-centered enough to think that I am responsible for their ruined relationship. The cracks in their foundation were present long before I came along. It’s just unfortunate that it all went down this way.

 

[___3___]

"I've really loved my time with you both but it's clear I've reached the end of this particular journey with us all as lovers. I have some of my own personal work to do so I can really evaluate what I want out of my life and what types of relationship shapes I'd like to be in in the future. I'm also taking time to think about career and travel and familial and spiritual aspects of my life and this is a process that I'd like to do solo for a while. You're both really amazing and I cherish knowing you. Let's stay connected on [social media of choice] but just as friends."

(and then don't get sucked back into a relationship with them)

- these are just some ways to make it about you and your life, not about their relationship breakdown. I hope it gives you a starting point for what you actually end up saying.

I can’t thank you enough for your response. Much of what you have said resonates deeply with me. I will take much of this into account while I figure out what I’m going to say to them.

Aside from this dynamic not really being great for any of us, I also want to take time to explore my own interests. It’s been a long while since I focused on myself, and I think this may be the time to do it.

 

[___3___]

I'm sorry this is happening.

I'm a fan of short and sweet. Kind but firm. So maybe something like this. mostly your words...

"I think we all need some time apart. You two have the divorce proceedings. I need to be single and work on myself and heal. If things change over time, I could consider being a hinge in a V where you two are metamours, but that is one of those "wait and see things" for later on. I can't promise anything right now. I'm glad to have known you both and I'd like to part ways amicably. "

Then you just disconnect all the things like social media and all that.

And you know your own self. If time passes and either wants to get back together and it hasn't been enough time for you yet? You say "No."

Because not enough time yet.

Galagirl

Thank you very much. I really appreciate your response. This is very good advice and I plan on taking all of this into account.

 

[___3___]

Hi ___3___,

Technically, people can have a V where the legs of the V (e.g. Emily and Chris, after their divorce) have zero contact with each other. I do not know whether such would be possible in your specific situation. You do seem to need at least a temporary breakup, and in all likelihood, the temporary breakup would transition into a permanent breakup.

So, I suppose what you would say to them (after they get back from their getaway), would be something like: "I hope you guys are able to work things out with each other, or at least, divorce amicably. In the meantime, I have decided that I need to take a break from the entire situation. The break could transition into a permanent breakup, but I don't know yet. I need some time to myself to figure out what I want in life. I don't rule out an eventual V with very separate legs, but I also don't promise it. Please honor my desire to take a three-month break, and then decide what to do after that. No matter what happens, I cherish what I have with both of you, and will always remember it with fondness and tenderness. Also I don't rule out that the three of us could end up being platonic friends with each other. I just don't know right now. Please give me three months to be by myself and figure things out. Please don't contact me during that time. I'm sorry it has to be that way."

The three-month part, I just kind of threw that in there as one possible example. You could decide how much time you need, whether it be one month, six months, or whatever.

I think you have to keep in mind, that Emily and Chris invited you into their (home and) lives, without being honest with you about the problems they were having with each other. I say that because I do not want you to feel funny or guilty about taking a break and/or breaking up with them. They kind of made their own bed, and should not be surprised if now they have to sleep in it.

I hope you can move out, and that you can find another place to stay. You truly need to be by yourself for a while, you need to have some privacy. Good luck, and keep us posted.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

Thank you so much for your response. I think your recommendation is perfect. I could definitely see myself saying all of this and meaning it wholeheartedly.

One unfortunate issue is that they actually moved in with me, not vice versa. So that will be a whole process of them having to find another place to stay. But I’m sure it can be done. I’m not going to kick them out immediately. I’ll just give them a solid timeframe for all of that.

 

[___3___]

Hello. Break ups are painful regardless of the why. I commend you for listening to your gut. Follow your gut. As Evie said, make it about you. Hopefully, that minimizes the threat they feel as well as the blame. Own your thought and actions.

Best wishes!

Thank you so much! I’ll definitely try to put the focus on myself. Because the truth of the matter is that I really do need time to heal and get to know myself again.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I appreciate your feedback, but I simply don’t agree with you. I am not coercing them to remain in their relationship. I simply stated that, for me and my own needs, I could either be with them both or not be with either of them. I feel like that’s my boundary, take it or leave it.

Yes. You are. The minute you make the continuing of their relationship a condition of you staying in the two relationships you're in, you're being coercive. This is the 3rd thread where you've been told as much. If your need is for them to stay together, then there is something flawed about your attachment process because someone with a healthier approach to relationships would not need to control two other people to feel safe.

 

[icesong]

Yes. You are. The minute you make the continuing of their relationship a condition of you staying in the two relationships you're in, you're being coercive. This is the 3rd thread where you've been told as much. If your need is for them to stay together, then there is something flawed about your attachment process because someone with a healthier approach to relationships would not need to control two other people to feel safe.

I'm not sure that's true. I'm all for autonomy but at the same time I've gotten burned by relationships between people I was involved with on multiple occasions - to the degree that at this point I limit the possibility of those relationships pretty firmly, there's a reason that Joan and I are "so close but no closer". The tangles in the two quads I was in are something I never want to deal with again.

My point here, is that I wouldn't want to deal with a relationship disintegrating between two people I'm intimate with, especially not fairly early (IMO a year is fairly early, but I move slow). I'm not sure that having a boundary saying that "I'm not here for this breakup" is coercive - might be cruel, yes, but from the sound of it @___3___ is enforcing that boundary by ending it, not by forcing people to stay together.

(I've, much to my now regret, tried to force people to stay together for the sake of my own relationships so I can say from experience how unhealthy that whole thing is.)

Would it be coercive for someone to say "I am willing to be involved in a poly relationship with someone in a healthy marriage, but I'm not willing to be in a relationship with someone actively going through a separation / divorce"? If no, I don't think it's coercive to say that twice to the two people you're involved with, despite them being in a relationship with each other.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am not coercing them to remain in their relationship. I simply stated that, for me and my own needs, I could either be with them both or not be with either of them. I feel like that’s my boundary, take it or leave it.

I can understand not wanting to be a hinge to two divorcing people. It puts you in the middle like some tug-o-war situation if they compete for your attention and bring you lots of stress complaining about the other one, etc.

At the same time? If they are foolish enough to try being together JUST to continue access to you? When it's better for them to part?
Even though you are not the one making them do foolishness?

YOU may need to end it and just get YOU out of there. It sounds like you are taking that path.

So... short and sweet. Kind but firm. Break up. You are done here.

However it is you say it? Say it so you can be done. You've been posting about this for a while. If you are done here, it is OK for you to be done. Don't drag out a break up. The healing space is a much better space in which to linger.

And if you are the landlord/owner of home and they moved in with you? Get it in writing/firm "moving out" deadlines in place. Because it can be hella tense living with plain exes. And when they are married exes who are divorcing it makes it that much more tense.

Maybe next time? Consider not living together with people at least til the NRE is over. That can go 6 mos to 2 years.

I hope the parting is a amicable as you hope.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes. You are. The minute you make the continuing of their relationship a condition of you staying in the two relationships you're in, you're being coercive. This is the 3rd thread where you've been told as much. If your need is for them to stay together, then there is something flawed about your attachment process because someone with a healthier approach to relationships would not need to control two other people to feel safe.

Seasoned, I skimmed the other 2 threads. I did not see that anyone except you called __3___ coercive, or words to that effect.

There probably just should have been one thread on this, instead of 3 several months apart, so that the members could have had the background at hand. I for one, had forgotten about the previous threads!

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Seasoned, I skimmed the other 2 threads. I did not see that anyone except you called __3___ coercive, or words to that effect.

There probably just should have been one thread on this, instead of 3 several months apart, so that the members could have had the background at hand. I for one, had forgotten about the previous threads!

The following quote is from https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/saysno.html

Coming as a package deal probably sounds like a great way to keep a third person from coming between you and damaging your relationship, right?

Wrong.

You're setting yourselves up to be coercive. Say you find your unicorn, everything's awesome, maybe she even moves in with you. Then, later on, something happens. Who knows what. Maybe the chemistry isn't there. Maybe that little annoying thing she thought she could overlook turned out to be not so little.

Anyway, she doesn't want to be with one of you any more, but she sincerely, truly, deeply loves the other one of you. Now what do you do? If you're like most unicorn hunters, you tell her "sorry, we are all or nothing."

Think about what that does to her. You're telling her "you have a choice: either be intimate with someone you don't want to be intimate with, or lose your relationship with someone you love" (and become homeless, if she moved in with you).

I think this same principle applies here. The difference is that she is forcing them to be a package deal.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Would it be coercive for someone to say "I am willing to be involved in a poly relationship with someone in a healthy marriage, but I'm not willing to be in a relationship with someone actively going through a separation / divorce"? If no, I don't think it's coercive to say that twice to the two people you're involved with, despite them being in a relationship with each other.

When you're seeking new partners, I think its reasonable to have "no active separation," as a criterion. What I think strays into unrealistic and therefore an unreasonable expectation is that your partner never break up with one or all of their other partners. Relationships are naturally fluid. I think part of being poly is accepting that your whole polycule will experience more break-ups than a monogamous person. You likely will, at some point, be supporting a partner grieving a lost love.

 

[Magdlyn]

The following quote is from https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/saysno.html






I think this same principle applies here. The difference is that she is forcing them to be a package deal.

I agree with that post, but I just don't see she is attempting to force this couple to stay together. She is choosing to leave the relationship with both, herself. I think she realizes quite well that they had problems before she decided to become lovers with her old platonic friends. She said in her other thread that B admitted to "baiting and switching" her. A and B were the ones that had the attitude of "relationship broken, add a new person as a Band-Aid."

___3___ has found this to be icky and has decided to step back. Now she just needs to tell them she's done, and get them out of her house!