How to manage guaranteed future heartbreak?

S

SaraBellam

New member
Hi all - this is my first post. I have been married for 4 years and we are generally very happy. We started our marriage as open, but he was more poly than just open. After I learned more about it, I finally realized that I am poly as well! Even though we only have had experiences outside of our marriage that were sexual, we are open to having secondary relationships.

For the first time, I am now in a loving relationship outside of my marriage. This man knew I was married when we met and was hesitant. He probably assumed I would just be a fun girl to hang out with, but we have ended up having strong feelings for one another. My husband has been supportive and terrific, but I cannot help dread the inevitability of the situation with my boyfriend.

He is divorced with 4 children and is very much a family-oriented gentleman. I have no children, my husband has 2 that live out of state.

I know that one day my boyfriend will want to be married and have a wife all on his own. He isn't ready now, but it will happen. I don't want to live every day wondering what will be of us, but it does haunt me a bit.

How does one go into such a fun and loving relationship knowing that it will end in heartbreak? He offers me so much that my husband doesn't, and the same goes for my husband. They are very different men who together fulfill me like I have only dreamed about.

Any tips for mitigating the heartbreak? Also, does anyone have any tips for how to educate the boyfriend on the poly lifestyle to potentially avoid the heartbreak? He does not find it strange and understands it, but he isn't certain it is for him for the long haul.

I have enjoyed this site and have learned a lot through reading your experiences. Thank you!

Sara
 
Having been in a very similar situation, with a man who ultimately broke up with me in large part because he couldn't handle worrying about people finding out he was dating a married woman (plus he wanted more kids, and he wanted someone he could introduce to his family):

You manage future heartbreak by trying as hard as hell not to think about it.

Focus on the present. Enjoy the moments you have with your boyfriend.

You say you "know" he'll want to be married someday. How do you know this? Has he said so?

If he hasn't, you're jumping to conclusions that might not prove true.

If he has...well, "someday" isn't now. Someday is some amorphous amount of time that might be a year or might be ten years or might be never.

Letting go of thinking about things like that isn't easy; I know that all too well. But if you don't try, it's impossible.
 
Hm.

I have a different perspective. I don't expect forever in any relationship. I feel that it's natural for people to come and go from my life. Granted this was reinforced by a lot of personal experiences, so it's not gonna be everyone's philosophy ever. But in my book, success is being able to part on decent terms with optimism that both of you can go on to more happiness.

I also don't believe that fantastic human beings are really that rare. I know hundreds of them. While I don't wish to flit from relationship to relationship and do prefer some longevity and stability, and I've been negotiating with that in mind, I also acknowledge and know that various life factors (if nothing else) could take over and force my loves in a different direction...I could "lose" them. Easily, this could happen. But since I don't really believe in the scarcity boogeyman that much, and I'm not afraid of change in my love life that much, and I really like myself...I feel like there will always be new opportunities to connect with others and experience love.

That said...because I have no intention of ever reproducing again, I seek lovers who are pretty much too old to be thinking of that. My partners are all child free and not planning to have kids, and at least a little older than I am. Younger men who may be in a different life-stage, really don't appeal to me that much. So at least my taste is sort of realistic.

But, that said, if I were with a man who was truly poly by nature, or came to really appreciate it deeply, I would hope that if he needed to achieve certain goals with another partner, he would still keep me in his life, too.

As for educating him, I'd say read and read and read, take notes on the points that resonate best and illustrate the concept well in your thinking, and share those with him, unless he's willing to do the reading in which case, send him links or lend him books. If there are any poly meetups or discussion groups around, maybe you could explore that.
 
Yes, the boyfriend has said that he wants to be married again someday. He was married for 22 years and never expected a divorce, so it has been difficult to see his family unit break apart. He definitely wants that again.

Thank you for your reply. I will continue to enjoy our day-by-day and try not to let the future bring me down. You are right, "someday" could be a long way off!
 
Thank you Spork!

I do not want to have kids and the boyfriend and husband are done with kids, so that isn't a concern. The boyfriend's kids are 10-17, so still young and I can only speculate that he wouldn't want to introduce them to a woman who can't be permanent in their life the way he would see 'permanent'.

However, his knowledge of my situation has not slowed him down, so maybe he could get on board with long term. If not, I agree with your perspective on there being many fantastic people and love/relationships can change. It has obviously happened in the past for me and I should only presume it will happen again. This helps.

I will keep my eyes open for some educational materials that might reference concerns he has expressed and find a way to present them as needed or as things become a concern.

Sara
 
Woody is a widower. It's been not quite 13 months since his wife passed away.

He has said that although he isn't ready to consider it now, sometime in the future he might want to find another entangled partner. Maybe even someone to have more children with.

After a few times of him telling me I needed to understand that "someday" he might find another entangled partner, I said, "Look, you keep telling me you might find another entangled partner someday. I DO understand. I understood the first time you told me. And the fifth. And the tenth. I'm not in denial; I accept that it's a possibility...but it isn't the ONLY possibility. You've also said you might not find someone like that, and in fact might not ever actually look. And you've also said 'someday' is probably a long way off. So I need you to stop bringing that up, because every time you do, it takes my focus away from trying to enjoy the present and trust you the way you keep asking me to do, and puts it on dreading a future that might not even ever happen. It makes me feel like this relationship is only temporary for you, and if that's the case, why should I put my energy into it?"

That was a few months ago. He apologized for making me feel like our relationship was temporary, and for not letting me focus on the present. He's only mentioned it once since, and that was last weekend when I saw something on his OKC profile that implied he might not maintain "benefits" with me and his other partners if he found someone else to be entangled with, so I was the one who actually brought it up.
 
Yikes KC! Luckily my boyfriend hasn't said those things in that manner. It was in the beginning, when we were starting to get to know one another, that he mentioned wanting to be married again. We have a great mutual respect and love for one another as individuals, but I feel our relationship moving forward and I can't help but wonder to what end.

I'm certain his family would not approve of him dating a married woman, but I'm also certain that wouldn't stop him, though it might create drama. He is also prominent in his career and that might not be good either, but only time will tell. He didn't go into this blindly and he isn't a dumb man, so hopefully I'm the one over thinking this!
 
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Woody didn't phrase it in a cruel way. He just wanted to make sure I didn't have any illusions about what might happen. Until I confronted him, he didn't realize how hurtful it was and how anxious it made me to hear him say it more than once.

The other thing I thought of after my last post... Your thread title is "guaranteed future heartbreak." But it *isn't* guaranteed. Nothing is guaranteed until it actually happens. So it might help you to also stop thinking of your boyfriend finding someone else as the one and only possibility in existence, and think of it as something that *might* happen eventually.
 
Why does it have to end. I have two husbands and I am very happy. Am I in the eyes of the government married to Murf no. But I stood in front of our friends and family and said I want this man as my husband.

My marriage is no differnt than being married to someone who travels for work. It can and does work just fine. In fact Murf never wanted to be married because he liked and needed some independence.

I have met his family and he has met mine.

It has been 4 years and we are closer everyday.
 
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Dagferi said:
Why does it have to end.
Click to expand...

I would love to claim both as my own for as long it organically lasts. I don't want it to end. My husband would encourage my boyfriend. I am simply anticipating what seems to be the "inevitability of the situation" (boyfriend's words) and it makes me want to prepare myself for it. If I can't prepare, than find a way to enjoy every day, month, and hopefully year that I have with out always fearing when it might end.

The more I am explaining this here, the more I realize this is my issue. I do not know what the boyfriend is feeling right now as far as the future goes. I do know what he feels in the present and how present we are in one another's lives. I need to revel in that instead of the unknown/someday potentially negative outcome. I will find a way to do that!

To be loved by two, totally different, wonderful men feels amazing and my needs have never been more completely filled. I'm a lucky girl and need to enjoy this now.

Thanks everyone for the input. However, I'm still open to any tips about how to share this lifestyle with a newcomer boyfriend - with the secret hopes of convincing him that he wants this life too! :)
 
Hi Sara,

I recommend (you and) your boyfriend (both) read Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ page. It is a great intro to poly and answers a lot of questions/concerns a newcomer might have.

Is your boyfriend a secondary partner to you and if so, can he eventually become a primary (co-primary with your husband) partner? I don't know whether it matters but who knows it might.

Have a sweet present and a hopeful future.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
SaraBellam said:
To be loved by two, totally different, wonderful men feels amazing and my needs have never been more completely filled. I'm a lucky girl and need to enjoy this now.
Click to expand...

Hear, Hear!:p:D:)

I spent the first 6 months of my relationship with Dude "catastrophizing" about how he would eventually want a woman "of his own" and how our relationship was doomed to be temporary...and while he didn't claim to want a wife/primary he did admit that he wasn't looking to tie himself down and advised me to "just enjoy me, now".

Like Dagferi, I now essentially have two husbands, and, 5 years in, I couldn't be happier - it just gets better all of the time! People's goals and desires change over time. Now, after having established a "co-primary" relationship with me, Dude states that he is "not going anywhere" and that any woman he becomes involved with in the future has to accept that OUR relationship is not disposable.

Life happens.
 
He wants marriage again someday. You anticipate heartbreak as a result of him leaving you for a marriage of his own. Unless you plan to divorce your husband, you can't offer him that, so where does education come into it? What are you going to 'educate' him on?

Or, what are you going to educate him on, that will mitigate your heartbreak?
 
Dagferi said:
Why does it have to end.
Click to expand...
I'm going to offer a different point of view here... Like Dagferi and JaneQ, I now also have essentially two husbands. My thought process was a bit different as my relationship with Mark started to get more serious. I was not afraid of losing him to someone else, but - he is considerably older than me, so I thought about the fact that most likely he will die before I do. And probably get all the ailments of old age... what should I do?? My solution has been enjoy the situation now. He is in good health and we love each other - I am enjoying it to the fullest.

But yes, it does have to end. If nothing else, I will lose him (or he me!) to death. But, quoting nycindie here, I rather risk living while we both live!
 
Many more options

Right now, you're both hampered by traditional monogamous thinking which is limiting what you can imagine. There are many, many possibilities between where you are now and him, married monogamously with no contact with you.

So try to stop catastrophising! After a 22 year monogamous marriage, I would never have imagined that I would be solo poly with two solo poly partners.
 
SaraBellam said:
Hi all - this is my first post. I have been married for 4 years and we are generally very happy. We started our marriage as open, but he was more poly than just open. After I learned more about it, I finally realized that I am poly as well! Even though we only have had experiences outside of our marriage that were sexual, we are open to having secondary relationships.

For the first time, I am now in a loving relationship outside of my marriage. This man knew I was married when we met and was hesitant. He probably assumed I would just be a fun girl to hang out with, but we have ended up having strong feelings for one another. My husband has been supportive and terrific, but I cannot help dread the inevitability of the situation with my boyfriend.

He is divorced with 4 children and is very much a family-oriented gentleman. I have no children, my husband has 2 that live out of state.

I know that one day my boyfriend will want to be married and have a wife all on his own. He isn't ready now, but it will happen. I don't want to live every day wondering what will be of us, but it does haunt me a bit.

How does one go into such a fun and loving relationship knowing that it will end in heartbreak? He offers me so much that my husband doesn't, and the same goes for my husband. They are very different men who together fulfill me like I have only dreamed about.

Any tips for mitigating the heartbreak? Also, does anyone have any tips for how to educate the boyfriend on the poly lifestyle to potentially avoid the heartbreak? He does not find it strange and understands it, but he isn't certain it is for him for the long haul.

I have enjoyed this site and have learned a lot through reading your experiences. Thank you!

Sara
Click to expand...

I'm in your boat, there was a lot of turmoil for me as I felt that my days with boyfriend are numbered.I try to focus on the here and now and enjoy what we have together because truth be told in a few years he might be ready to just move on. It sucks feeling like a place holder.
 
One of my boys is the mono 2.4 kids and a white picket fence type. I'm not, so I know he'll need to move on one day, and I'm not looking forward to it.

Nothing about our relationship feels temporary and I enjoy every minute I spend with him. It's more important to me in the long term that he is happy than that he's with me, so my main fear is that due to his involvement with me he won't be paying attention when his future Mrs white picket fence wanders past and he'll miss her.
 
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present.

Be Here Now
 
I'm in the opposite of your situation - I'm recently divorced, I have two kids, and I'm extremely happy dating a man who is married to a good friend. All grand for now. I'm happy with things as they are, although when I look at them, I know that one day I'm going to want to have a more primary relationship. Someone who lives in my house, and shares my burdens while I share his (I'm mostly straight, so it would probably he his).

I'm not ready for that now - I need more time to deal with my divorce and evaluate what I would want from that imaginary person and how I deal with relationships. (I was married for 12 years, and many of those years were quite bad - I would not sign on to repeat that experience, so how would I build something better?) I do know, however, that eventually, this is likely to mean major changes to my relationship with my boyfriend.

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about that right now. Today is enough for today. I don't know exactly what the changes to my relationship will eventually look like - maybe we'll end things completely, maybe we'll just ease to a less frequent version of dating, maybe me and my imaginary sweetheart will move in next door to him and his wife, and fill our imaginary backyard with cats and dogs and children and organic vegetables. I do not know. SO much depends on the particularities of the situation - the exact people, the exact timing, the finances, the locations. There is no point in getting ahead of myself.

Finally, whenever this transition to gods-know-what takes place, I would hope it would be amicable. My boyfriend knows the deal, he knows what I eventually hope for, and he also knows that I've been poly forever and I love him. So one day we'll maybe say that our relationship is transitioning to a lighter phase while I look around, but that's not heartbreak. It's just the next step. It's a little sad, like graduating from college is a little sad. It's not going to break either of us.
 
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