How to watch

[openit]

I am new to polyamory and somewhere on the path to becoming the third female in an established MF relationship. Their relationship has been open since it started but they haven't previously shared a partner or practiced as poly. I identify as bisexual and they both identify as straight. I am close friends with the M and don't know the F very well, although we have spent some time together socially and I really like her. Recently they have suggested that a starting point for our relationship could be to watch them have sex. From an erotic point of view I am very on board with this but I really want to make sure I navigate the emotional aspects thoughtfully and respectfully. I find their relationship really beautiful and I am really excited by the idea of being with them in the room celebrating their sexual connection. However I'm a bit uncertain about exactly what I would do, both literally (I assume this is not the place to discuss that) but also in terms of their/our relationship what my role is in this situation.

All thoughts welcome, thanks

 

[Cattails]

The best thing I've found in any situation is to have a thoughtful discussion about intentions/exceptions so there aren't any misunderstandings or surprises. If you like podcasts, I can't recommend enough, Shameless Sex. The podcast also has a discord that you can get really good sex positive advice from others.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello openit,

You could vocalize some of your feelings while you are watching them, e.g., "This is really hot," or, "I like being here," or, "This is turning me on." Be aware that they may spontaneously ask you to join them. It's totally up to you whether you do. Have a notion ahead of time of how you will respond if they ask you that.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am not sure what the point is of watching a straight couple have sex, when you are bi. Btw, you can talk about what you would do literally, like, um, masturbate as you watch!! This is an adult forum, all sex talk is welcome.

But really, you wouldn't be in "a relationship" with a couple. You'd be in one relationship with the guy, and another relationship (of some kind) with the woman. It sounds like you know the guy better, and I assume you're attracted to him. The woman is straight, so you won't be having sex with her. So what's the point of watching a couple have hetero sex? Why not just have sex with the guy one-on-one? I hope they haven't decided they only "play as a couple." That seems awkward in any case, and especially if both members of a couple are straight.

It sounds to me like, rather than a triad, this has potential for a "V," ie, a full emotional/sexual relationship between you and the guy, and a possible platonic sisterly friendship between you and the woman.

Maybe they have no idea what they are doing, and imagine they will be able to have enjoyable sex as a threesome, where you and the F both focus on touching/pleasuring the guy, but try not to touch each other. How do you think you would like that? Would it be sustainable for you? What if you and the guy develop huge crushes on each other, but the F feels left out? This happens a lot in these kinds of scenarios. Will she consent to him having his own intense new relationship, or will she feel left out and try to veto the whole thing? You need to establish ground rules and personal boundaries.

 

[GalaGirl]

Their relationship has been open since it started but they haven't previously shared a partner or practiced as poly.

So... what's the offer on the table here?

• Are they asking you to come for a voyeur scene? And this is a one time thing? If so, and you want to? You could negotiate that scene like you would any other kink.
• Are they asking you to become to be a regular kink partner of some kind? If so, and you want to? You could negotiate that like you would any other regular kink partner thing. Like where is it supposed to go? And are you on board with their suggestions and vice versa? Or best like one time only or none?
• Are they asking you if you want to start by watching and then maybe end up in a threesome? If so, you negotiate that like you would any other threesome. Whether just the one time or open to more times.
• Are they asking if you want to actually poly date/have a relationship? Doesn't sound like it so far.

If casual sex or kink offers? Up to you if you feel like participating and how. Just set up agreements to include an escape hatch -- like if you get overwhelmed you can leave to room to take a break. Or voyeur them over computer or phone and you can close the cam or hang up if you get too full. Or you want to start slower and they can just send you sexy pix of them together.

From an erotic point of view I am very on board with this but I really want to make sure I navigate the emotional aspects thoughtfully and respectfully.

If you decide to threesome, and it turns out they discover some things they don't like? State your personal boundaries/emotional boundaries. Not just agreemements around birth control. For example, Dude gets into you being the new shiny person, and his GF feels left out during the threesome. Well... they can deal with the fall out themselves, not dumping it/blaming it on you.

If what you actually want is to pursue a poly relationship with the male as a hinge who has two GFs?

You could state your offer plain. "No, not up for casual sex/voyeur stuff at this time. I'd be more interested in a polyamorous V and dating you. Would you be up for that?"

And then if he's up for it? Could just go out on a date with him to see if anything lines up for more. And then negotiate terms like any other poly relationship.

Remember that group sex of any kind is not a requirement in polyamory.

Could not jump into sharing sex or sexual experiences too fast with him. Or him and her.

Galagirl

 

[icesong]

I am not sure what the point is of watching a straight couple have sex, when you are bi

It's a kink like any other. (There are situations I'd be down for it, it could be astonishingly hot, if .. well anyway that's not the point.) In the right circumstances it could even be an emotionally connective experience.

Hell, if I was willing to be a unicorn, which I typically am not, watching a potential pair of partners would be an interesting glimpse into their relationship before having an actual interaction between the three of us together. Better than a couple of the more emotionally complex threesomes I've had.

Recently they have suggested that a starting point for our relationship could be to watch them have sex.

"starting point" is an interesting phrase. If that's step one, ya'll need to have a lot of conversations about steps 2.3.4 etc... and what *your* idea of those steps are, as just because they met before you met them doesn't mean they get to decide everything.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's a kink like any other. (There are situations I'd be down for it, it could be astonishingly hot, if .. well anyway that's not the point.) In the right circumstances it could even be an emotionally connective experience.

Hell, if I was willing to be a unicorn, which I typically am not, watching a potential pair of partners would be an interesting glimpse into their relationship before having an actual interaction between the three of us together.

That's the thing. Sure, I guess watching 2 attractive straight people could be hot for a bi woman if she's into voyeurism. But it is more emotional than just watching porn in the privacy of your own home. I would think it might inspire envy, and even become kind of sad.

Better than a couple of the more emotionally complex threesomes I've had.

Threesomes can really suck! BTDT.

"Starting point" is an interesting phrase. If that's step one, ya'll need to have a lot of conversations about steps 2, 3, 4, etc., and what *your* idea of those steps are, as just because they met each other before you met them doesn't mean they get to decide everything.

Exactly. Watching them have sex might be jumping the gun if the OP wants a deep fulfilling sexual relationship with a man and/or a woman (since she's bi). What if she develops an unfulfilled crush on the woman, who is right there but can't love her and doesn't want to have sex with her? What if the guy falls for the OP, but the woman, while not being "into" the OP, insists they only "play as a couple" with the OP? I just see so many cascading problems with this scenario.

I'm just not sure what the heck this couple, or the OP, are thinking this will lead to, by starting this way. It's kind of putting the cart before the horse, IMO.

 

[ref2018]

I identify as bisexual and they both identify as straight. I am close friends with the M and don't know the F very well, although we have spent some time together socially and I really like her. Recently they have suggested that a starting point for our relationship could be to watch them have sex.

This totally sounds like he wants to fuck you and she only agreed if she could be in control.

Their relationship has been open since it started but they haven't previously shared a partner or practiced as poly.

I would hazard a guess that the wife would rather stick to swinging/swapping.

From an erotic point of view I am very on board with this but I really want to make sure I navigate the emotional aspects thoughtfully and respectfully. I find their relationship really beautiful and I am really excited by the idea of being with them in the room celebrating their sexual connection. However I'm a bit uncertain about exactly what I would do, both literally (I assume this is not the place to discuss that) but also in terms of their/our relationship what my role is in this situation.

All thoughts welcome, thanks

It makes no sense for a straight person to be "in a relationship" poly or otherwise with a same-sex partner. If she hasn't at least expressed "bi-curiosity" then you can be pretty sure she's going along with this just to please her husband.


My advice: If this is something *you* want to do for your own reasons, then that's great. But if you're agreeing to this as a way of working up to a certain set of expectations, then you're just setting yourself up for a lot of drama and doing other people's emotional labor for them.

 

[openit]

So what's the point of watching a couple have hetero sex? Why not just have sex with the guy one-on-one?

I guess this is really the big question! At a basic sex level it's very hot for me to watch them having sex - watching in general, watching her, watching him, watching them, it all works for me on a sex level. I'm also very happy to join in if that's what she decides she wants (although as you say not if its just for the guys pleasure - BTDT and not something I enjoy).

What's the point from a relationship perspective is the bigger question. I think they (we ) have no idea what we are doing in the sense that this would be new territory for all of us. They are open and comfortable with each other individually with other people but would be new to do it together.

The F doesn't identify as bi but she identifies as poly so I guess this would be an exploration for her if this is something she's in to. And if she isn't where does that leave me and the M? Maybe that's the question I really need to find the answer to.

 

[openit]

Hello openit,

You could vocalize some of your feelings while you are watching them, e.g., "This is really hot," or, "I like being here," or, "This is turning me on." Be aware that they may spontaneously ask you to join them. It's totally up to you whether you do. Have a notion ahead of time of how you will respond if they ask you that.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

That's a really great point thank you I know that I would like that but definitely some work to do to think about what parameters I would/ wouldn't be comfortable with

 

[openit]

Just set up agreements to include an escape hatch -- like if you get overwhelmed you can leave to room to take a break.

This is really great advice thanks - definitely need to think about what I and they can do if it isn't / stops working

 

[openit]

This totally sounds like he wants to fuck you and she only agreed if she could be in control.




I would hazard a guess that the wife would rather stick to swinging/swapping.





It makes no sense for a straight person to be "in a relationship" poly or otherwise with a same-sex partner. If she hasn't at least expressed "bi-curiosity" then you can be pretty sure she's going along with this just to please her husband.


My advice: If this is something *you* want to do for your own reasons, then that's great. But if you're agreeing to this as a way of working up to a certain set of expectations, then you're just setting yourself up for a lot of drama and doing other people's emotional labor for them.

Thank you I appreciate this always good to take off the rose tinted glasses and think about the less positive possibilities

 

[JaneQSmythe]

The first threesome I was invited to was with MrS and his ex-GF (ex-at the time, not just now - they converted to FWB sometime after they broke up - more info in my Journey blog from years ago). Now, she was bi- or at least bi-curious but this was framed as a treat for him. I was the one who requested that the encounter NOT include the He+I having sex angle. It worked out fine!

I am more of an exhibitionist than a voyeur, but I could see how watching straight sex would be a turn on for a bi-girl! Playing off how I would feel being the HER and how I would play with each of them differently...(Of course, I have also been known to play with straight women for the benefit of their male partners at their request - I did mention exhibitionist, right?)

 

[kdt26417]

Hi openit,

It looks like you are getting a variety of advice and perspectives, and it is giving you food for thought, and ideas about how to prepare. I'm glad we could help!

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[openit]

Hi openit,

It looks like you are getting a variety of advice and perspectives, and it is giving you food for thought, and ideas about how to prepare. I'm glad we could help!

Regards,
Kevin T.

Thanks! Definitely a lot of food for thought

Actually the more I read around the forum the more it seems like trying to start a new relationship with two people at once is widely considered a bad move.

Maybe a better option would be to see first where my connection with the M takes us and then to let things evolve between the F and I separately at whatever pace and direction feels right.

 

[kdt26417]

Starting a new relationship with two people at once is certainly a challenging move. I won't say it can't be done, but I will say you have to be prepared for certain difficulties. You know the M much better than you do the F, so it makes sense to pursue things with him first, and her later.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks! Definitely a lot of food for thought

Actually the more I read around the forum the more it seems like trying to start a new relationship with two people at once is widely considered a bad move.

Maybe a better option would be to see first where my connection with the M takes us and then to let things evolve between the F and I separately at whatever pace and direction feels right.

I'm glad you've been reading around the board about being a unicorn for a couple and how it usually goes awry (unless you're very lucky or savvy). I agree that it would be safer to start off dating the guy (and just being platonic friends with the woman, if she's into that).

The question remains, is he, is she, OK with him just dating/having sex with you independently? While this is by far easier, it can be a high mountain for a formerly mono/attached at the hip/ownership-minded couple to surmount.

I don't remember if I recommended the book Opening Up. It's not just for couples. It has lots of info for solo polys too. I think you'd all benefit from leafing through it (if you're not into reading books cover to cover) to find the areas that apply to your situation(s).