How would someone even begin to build a large, intentional poly family?

Quantum

Quantum

New member
Hey everyone I’m a 30-year-old dad and business owner with a deep love for family life. I’ve been thinking a lot about legacy, community, and the kind of life I want to build. For me, the dream is a large, intentional household a village-style family with 10–12 kids raised by multiple loving adults working together.


I’ve seen firsthand (as a single dad) how much work it takes to raise a child right and I have a vision where a group of people could share that responsibility and joy together. I imagine something where 2–3 partners live together, raise children collectively, divide the work, and love each other in their own ways.


This isn’t about hierarchy or ego I truly believe in honoring each connection for what it is and building a life of shared purpose, effort, and intention. I'm also very aware of the intensity of this idea and the challenges that come with it.


That brings me here:
How would one even begin to explore or build a family dynamic like this in the poly world ethically, respectfully, and realistically?
What has worked (or failed) for those of you building poly households with kids?
What would you caution against?
Any other information I should know or resource to look at would be amazing!


I’m open to insights, frameworks, stories, or even critiques. I’m here to learn.
 
That's a big vision.
Are you clear whether you want a community or a poly big polycule?
My feeling is, a community of families that do not share that many romantic bonds may be easier.
I would look up stories on how communities are built and fail, and I would go visit intentional communities and get to know people who've done something like this.

I think there were intentional poly communities back in the 80's. There was a member here who remembered them, I think he wasn't behaving respectfully and got probably banned in the end :) @Magdlyn will know.
 
Thank you for the response. For m, the heart of this is fatherhood. I want to raise all my children under one roof, where I can interact with them daily mentor them, teach them, and guide them from the earliest age. I believe strongly that kids thrive when their father and mother are deeply present not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. This would be difficult to do even if they live 5 minutes away. A polycule would work but we would need to live next door, in the same property. While I'm open to the polycule structure i think it introduces complexity when the goal is to have a tight family cohesion and collective parenting. I'll think I'll look into it. My dreams are worth a shot at any opportunity for this.
Are there any communities which would be open which would allow for me to learn from? I would not know where to start. How do you look for a woman that is okay with that? More importantly how do I become a man with the integrity to hold a household like that? I have so many questions!
 
Hello Quantum,

You just start meeting people, I think. One person at a time. You grow relationships, one at a time. A large, intentional poly family doesn't emerge overnight. I don't have any kids so, no advice I can give you there. There is one guy I can think of who wants to build something similar to what you are describing. Founding Poly-Friendly Community on Canary Islands

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
This is interesting, thanks Kevin for the insight. I'm going to reach out and see what he's made of it. My current efforts will right now is to build a website and create blogs to rank on google. See what happens with that.

I also agree with you; nothing is done overnight. Especially something like this. I want to be careful who I bring in as well. I want individuals who want progress in their life. In all aspects. Your character, health, finances, depth, authenticity, spirituality (I'm Christian myself), your own dreams and hopes, and all types of other aspects in life. I will be living a rich life, and I want to share it.
 
Quantum said:
This is interesting, thanks Kevin for the insight. I'm going to reach out and see what he's made of it. My current efforts will right now is to build a website and create blogs to rank on google. See what happens with that.

I also agree with you; nothing is done overnight. Especially something like this. I want to be careful who I bring in as well. I want individuals who want progress in their life. In all aspects. Your character, health, finances, depth, authenticity, spirituality (I'm Christian myself), your own dreams and hopes, and all types of other aspects in life. I will be living a rich life, and I want to share it.
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I'd suggest just learning about polyamory in general. We have a large reading resource list here.


Before you start a "community," i.e., you and two women and a dozen kids, you'd best learn how to manage having one polyamorous partner. If you expect to have a polygynous network, you and 2 or 3 women, and no other men, you've got your work cut out for you.

Most women who would want to date a polyamorous man would be polyamorous themselves, and want more than one romantic/sexual partner, including other men.

I am just saying that because you say you're Christian. Many poly Christians just want the one man/several women set up, like the Mormons of old (and current Mormon offshoots, who kind of live lawlessly). This can veer into abuse.

Even these Mormon cults have compounds, usually, where each wife has her own house, and the man takes turns visiting them. It's hard for wives of one man to get along, there is jealousy and envy, favoritism and vying for position. It's never as simple as one big happy family all raising the kids together. That's a utopia that I have never heard work out well in real life.
 
I love that you bring this up. I would never want to have somebody in our circle that wants something else. It would not feel good for me or anybody involved. A cult is not something I want to build. Nor create any kind of abuse. I would love to meet individuals that were able to work together for long periods of time. I will most definitely be taking a look at those sources. Like everything in my life, I will start thinking for solutions for these problems proactively. I will keep you guys in the loop as to what I find, think and conclude. The more holes I am able to patch now the better odds I have at this. I truly appreciate everybody's input!
 
Now I also wonder. Are you looking for a polygynous setup (multiple wives), or are you looking to build a community where other men are welcome, too?
 
For me, a polygynous setup (had to google that, did not there was a word for this setup), where one man is committed to a few women, feels like the most natural and stable foundation for what I’m building.
 
Quantum said:
For me, the dream is a large, intentional household a village-style family with 10–12 kids raised by multiple loving adults working together.

Quantum said:
For me, a polygynous (Had to google that, did not there was a word for this setup) setup where one man is committed to a few women feels like the most natural and stable foundation for what I’m building.
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Well which one is it? A "village-style family" or a harem?

Let me guess: The women will be allowed to have sex with each other if the one man is not enough for them.
 
Quantum said:
For me, a polygynous setup (had to google that, did not there was a word for this setup), where one man is committed to a few women, feels like the most natural and stable foundation for what I’m building.
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You will get rightful pushback on that from emancipated polyamorous women. Don't bother with poly communities.

Still, no judgement on your desire. Desires are natural. It's just that sometimes desires are unfair. It will be hard to find people who truly and whole-heartedly consent to your preferred setup.

I contributed to this long forum thread on actualized.org before I decided to stop dealing with that bullshit once and for all. Despite its name, the forum is full of toxic masculinity. I remember some guys discussing there in full sincerity how to build a harem. So you can go find those posts if you want to. You'll get a perspective that is... well, different.

www.actualized.org

I want multiple girlfriends

In the Huberman Lab podcast with Martha Beck, Beck discussed something profound which I think opened my mind for something new. She talked about the "Perf...
www.actualized.org www.actualized.org
 
This sounds a little too troll-ish to be real, but in the spirit of generosity, let's say it is.

So, you're saying you want to father 10 to 12 children yourself? With at least one to two women, who all live together and share the work?

That's a lot of kids, so, kind of a lot of work. Will the women have jobs, or be too busy with all the kids? Do you have a job that can support 2+ women and a dozen kids?

How many children do you already have? You say you're a single dad...what happened to their mother(s)?

I'm not clear on what you think making a website/blog will do? That seems like a poor way to meet women, but maybe an okay way to try to start sort of a cult thing. Which you say you don't want.

You have never heard of the term of polygyny before...but, lo and behold! you feel it is the most natural and stable foundation for what you want.

Best of luck and may the odds be ever in your favor!
 
Quantum said:
Hey everyone I’m a 30-year-old dad and business owner with a deep love for family life. I’ve been thinking a lot about legacy, community, and the kind of life I want to build. For me, the dream is a large, intentional household a village-style family with 10–12 kids raised by multiple loving adults working together.


I’ve seen firsthand (as a single dad) how much work it takes to raise a child right and I have a vision where a group of people could share that responsibility and joy together. I imagine something where 2–3 partners live together, raise children collectively, divide the work, and love each other in their own ways.


This isn’t about hierarchy or ego I truly believe in honoring each connection for what it is and building a life of shared purpose, effort, and intention. I'm also very aware of the intensity of this idea and the challenges that come with it.


That brings me here:
How would one even begin to explore or build a family dynamic like this in the poly world ethically, respectfully, and realistically?
What has worked (or failed) for those of you building poly households with kids?
What would you caution against?
Any other information I should know or resource to look at would be amazing!


I’m open to insights, frameworks, stories, or even critiques. I’m here to learn.
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I think this is a beautiful idea.
 
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