Husband developed a relationship without having conversations with me about transitioning to poly

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Newmonopolyhusband

New member
Hi I’m Alex and i need some advice. I’ve been married to my husband Brian for 5 years. We were previously mono, but had shifted to a sexual open relationship our 3rd year in.

We’ve been recently experiencing some rocky issues in our relationship (space, living long distance, money issues). My husband started developing an emotion connection and subsequently a relationship with someone he had been fwb for about a year (which i knew about) this year in the midst of our martial issues. He’s now in love with his partner and now asking me to be poly. I’m an open and loving person and have space in my heart for my husband and his other partner, but my reservations are around how it was started. And how i felt betrayed because of a lack of communication.

We’ve always talked about things (like we did when we opened up for other sexual partners) but there was no discussion about emotional connections. Now, their relationship is growing and growing and now I’m stuck in a rock and hard place. I feel like i wasn’t involved in the transition of our marriage and discussions around evolving feelings. I feel not included in my own marriage. And what’s worst, is he isn’t remorseful. He’s stuck on “we’re here now so this is what it is.” I feel like I’m being forced (which again I am a loving person and can see myself practicing polyamory) and that doesn’t make me feel secure in my relationship.

I love my husband and i want him to be happy. How do I move forward from feeling like this? I want to provide the space for him to be him and I’m more than capable of loving him and his partner. Any advice on how to work through this?
 
but my reservations are around how it was started
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Reading your account of the situation, it started within your agreements. They were fwb in your sexually open relationship.

The following are things you and he can do together:

You can work through this by realising your agreements were training wheels that you've now outgrown.

You can do some retroactive reading like Opening Up and Polysecure to ensure you don't get surprised by anything else.

You can make deliberate plans for your future together so you are nurturing your relationship/marriage.

And you (singular) can get to know her (as friends) so you don't create some fantasy person in your mind.

He's right, the horse has bolted, and he shouldn't need to be remorseful for falling for her. And it's very possible that he communicated those feelings to you as soon as he truly admitted them to himself. In which case he is being as forthcoming as possible.

Keep communicating, get better at communicating, and recognise that there was always going to be the likelihood of it becoming polyamory rather than just sex.
 
I may be misunderstanding, but I think OP is gay, and his partner's partner is thus likely (but not necessarily) male.

Anyway, genders aside, this is a common situation. I don't say that to discount how hard it is at all. I just mean you aren't alone in going through it. Many people open up with rules (or expectations) about emotional connections. Unfortunately, feelings do what they do. It's almost impossible to spend extended time with someone you enjoy having sex with (and/or hanging out) and not develop some feelings. That's just human nature for most of us.

I think communication is huge here. You need to decide if you can live with a person who loves you and another person. I'm polyam, and so is my wife. We are both able to do this, but I'm not saying it's always easy. Polyamory is tough, especially if you didn't sign up for it. It's hard when you did sign up sometimes. But it's doable. You have to be self aware; you have to reassure ALL your partners.

But here's the beauty. Love isn't limited. It's not exclusive. You absolutely can love more than one person at the same time. Love is abundant. You may need to establish your needs; do that. Be clear. If they can't be met, you may have to end your relationship. That's hard, I know, and I don't say it lightly. It's the potential consequence of opening up...actually, it's the potential consequence of ANY adult relationship. But polyamory will expose any problems in your relationship...that's just what it does. It can also help you HEAL those problems. I hope you experience that.
 
Hi, welcome to our little corner of the internet.

I know that open relationships have been common for gay men for a long time, hundreds of years, if not longer! But being that we live in a mono culture, as far as I know, most gay men have attempted to keep lovers outside the main couple as secondaries, fuck buddies, or one night stands/hookups. However, I'm sure there have always been struggles with some people developing feelings for their other sex partners. Generally this was seen as cheating and struggles ensued.

Now that polyamory has been becoming more popular (since the 1990s mostly), more couples have been opening to negotiating what to do when feelings for others develop, outside of just fighting, doubling down, vetoing, breaking up, etc.

The other posters have given good advice. The books mentioned are very helpful, but we have even more great resources listed in the pinned post here:


One thing I will add is, you don't need to "love" your husband's other partner. You don't even need to like them! If you do like them, you might want to hang out together, making this arrangement "kitchen table poly." If you find you don't care for them much, or vice versa, you can do "parallel poly," where you rarely see each other, or "garden party poly," where you do see each other at special events, like holiday parties or birthday parties for your shared partner.

Another thing to consider is whether you feel you are also polyamorous, or could be, if the right person came along...
 
People can absolutely have sexual relationships without wanting the commitment of partnership with others. However, I do think it's a helpful reflection to ponder why you (both) assumed that repeated sex wouldn't lead to this kind of emotional intimacy and attachment.

I think it is helpful because it can help you work out what exactly feels "too far" and you can begin to either work on changing the way you think, or accepting this is the way you are.

For instance, you mention being sexually open and him having a FWB for a year. That obviously means regular sex, plus some socialising of sorts. It depends on how big the emphasis was on "friends," but one would assume they were friends in a traditional sense, too. What is it about this that now feels so different?

Is it where it could go? Is it things they want to do?

For a lot of people, additional relationships look much like close friendships with sex. They stop looking like that when there is an escalator and it all seems to be leading through the traditional relationship milestones. Do they want something like this, now?
 
Newmonopolyhusband said:
Hi I’m Alex and i need some advice. I’ve been married to my husband Brian for 5 years. We were previously mono, but had shifted to a sexual open relationship our 3rd year in.

We’ve been recently experiencing some rocky issues in our relationship (space, living long distance, money issues). My husband started developing an emotion connection and subsequently a relationship with someone he had been fwb for about a year (which i knew about) this year in the midst of our martial issues. He’s now in love with his partner and now asking me to be poly. I’m an open and loving person and have space in my heart for my husband and his other partner, but my reservations are around how it was started. And how i felt betrayed because of a lack of communication.

We’ve always talked about things (like we did when we opened up for other sexual partners) but there was no discussion about emotional connections. Now, their relationship is growing and growing and now I’m stuck in a rock and hard place. I feel like i wasn’t involved in the transition of our marriage and discussions around evolving feelings. I feel not included in my own marriage. And what’s worst, is he isn’t remorseful. He’s stuck on “we’re here now so this is what it is.” I feel like I’m being forced (which again I am a loving person and can see myself practicing polyamory) and that doesn’t make me feel secure in my relationship.

I love my husband and i want him to be happy. How do I move forward from feeling like this? I want to provide the space for him to be him and I’m more than capable of loving him and his partner. Any advice on how to work through this?
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I didn’t elaborate fully. I was on board and knew of his partner when they had a casual sexual relationship (my husband had a few with me being in the know about them all). And would have been on board as an emotional connection developed. I just was never communicated with that, that was happening. Instead i was blindsided once it had developed.

My issue is that this bond only got stronger while we were going through issues. We weren’t living in the same state for work alongside other issues and it feels like as a result of us not being on the same page, he placed his energy elsewhere. Almost like he poured into this person to almost avoid the reality of our issues.

He also communicated that to this new partner, allowing him to know that we were rocky and i think divulged too much too soon. It feels like this new partner is a cowgirl and at any moment is hoping to swoop in and take my place. Neither three of us or poly or have experience or a poly community, so this is all new. I feel like the new partner is operating in a monogamous dynamic wanting an exclusive dynamic with him and my husband has given him insight into our relationship to step in and do things that we’ve had issues with in our marriage.

My issue is with not feeling like a unit!
 
Newmonopolyhusband said:
I didn’t elaborate fully. I was on board and knew of his partner when they had a casual sexual relationship (my husband had a few with me being in the know about them all). And would have been on board as an emotional connection developed. I just was never communicated with that, that was happening. Instead i was blindsided once it had developed.

My issue is that this bond only got stronger while we were going through issues. We weren’t living in the same state for work alongside other issues and it feels like as a result of us not being on the same page, he placed his energy elsewhere. Almost like he poured into this person to almost avoid the reality of our issues.
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Yeah, that's not good. Of course, a LDR is a very hard thing to manage.
Newmonopolyhusband said:
He also communicated that to this new partner, allowing him to know that we were rocky and i think divulged too much too soon. It feels like this new partner is a cowgirl...
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You mean cowboy?
Newmonopolyhusband said:
and at any moment is hoping to swoop in and take my place. Neither three of us or poly or have experience or a poly community, so this is all new. I feel like the new partner is operating in a monogamous dynamic wanting an exclusive dynamic with him and my husband has given him insight into our relationship to step in and do things that we’ve had issues with in our marriage.

My issue is with not feeling like a unit!
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Polyamory means ethical non-monogamy. Avoiding your long-term partner to enjoy the new and shiny person is not ethical. Being indiscreet and oversharing about your marital issues with the new person is also not ethical. I'd focus more on what your husband is doing or not doing, and not so much on the new person, who is just taking their cues from your husband's behavior.

What would you like to have happen here? Can you go visit husband? Or at least schedule some decent video calls to get all the cards on the table? Does husband even want to repair your relationship, or is he just jumping ship? When will he be coming back to you? Will he be back full time? What would happen with the new person then?
 
Has he told you she's a cowgirl or words to that effect? Why is this where your mind goes now there are feelings involved? The whole point of polyamory is to have feelings for more than one person.
 
My issue is that this bond only got stronger while we were going through issues. We weren’t living in the same state for work alongside other issues and it feels like as a result of us not being on the same page, he placed his energy elsewhere. Almost like he poured into this person to almost avoid the reality of our issues.
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I can see that this is the crux of it. This is a couples therapy level issue more than an internet forum one. We have a link to possible professionals here: https://www.polyfriendly.org/
 
I'm sorry this is happening like this.

I do better with names. I'm going with generic colors: "Red" for your husband, and "Blue" for his partner. I'd be happy to change to something else you like better if you want.

It sounds like you were on board, and knew about Red dating Blue as a casual sex partner or FWB-type person, and had Red kept you informed of developments, you would have been ok with it changing to polyamory and Blue being their poly partner.

The problem is that Red did NOT keep you informed, partly because it was a rocky time during this LDR in your marriage. There were other marital issues, which Red overcommunicated/overshared with Blue on that side of the V (when it was not Blue's business), while NOT communicating enough with you on this side of the V. Maybe Red also threw himself into work as a means to avoid dealing with the issues/you during this time too. Maybe you got tired of "chasing" Red to try to engage.

I don't know if you are bumping in to the Gottman four horsemen, or what:

www.gottman.com

The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling

Identify the Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions, eliminate them and replace them with healthy, productive communication patterns.
www.gottman.com www.gottman.com

You are upset that he placed his energy elsewhere, almost like he poured energy into this person Blue to avoid dealing with the marriage issues. Maybe got caught up in NRE fun to avoid "real life" issues with you.
Maybe he is also using Blue as a "free therapist" to dump his stuff on, rather than talking them out with an actual counselor, or with you, the actual person husband was having issues with.
Maybe it was a whole a combo of stuff.

And now, instead of apologizing for past poor behavior and not handling things well, Red just wants you to be all hunky dorky with changing to polyamory and to just blindly trust him, while he's kind of sweeping all these bonus issues he created under the rug. Meanwhile, the lump under the rug grows bigger, first the ORIGINAL marriage issues, and now all this new stuff.

Red seems to be a messy hinge, so far. You vote "no confidence" on his hinge or polyamory skills. You are all poly newbies. You suspect Blue is really just wanting to rope off Red for themselves. You also worry that Red is replacing you in his life with Blue and will eventually drop you.

You struggle to believe him that it will all be ok, because he's basing that belief on what? So far it's been mess.

Is that about it?

I love my husband and i want him to be happy. How do I move forward from feeling like this? I want to provide the space for him to be him and I’m more than capable of loving him and his partner. Any advice on how to work through this?
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I think you could talk to a counselor. You could give him space and move on from this WITHOUT Red, if this is a dealbreaker for you. You aren't obligated to do wonky poly with Red and Blue in some kind of wonky V, with Red as the hinge dating both you and Blue. It's ok to end things and move on to poly date OTHER people who treat you better, or go back to dating with monogamy as the goal, or date nobody, or something else. YOU get to choose how you want to be.

If this is NOT a dealbreaker, but you want to manage things differently than how Red wants to manage them? You have to be able to articulate what behaviors you would like instead from Red. Red has to be able to articulate what behaviors Red would like instead from you. Then you two have to determine if these new terms are rational, realistic, doable, and livable for each.

Maybe you can accept that he is poly-dating Blue on that side of the V, but you prefer parallel poly. If you have no interest in loving Red AND loving Blue, then you have to say so. You don't have to be anything with Blue other than "basic polite" if you happen to bump into them in town, as you would with the bank teller or store cashier, basic polite, "Hello, good afternoon" stuff at the store. You are polite, but you don't hang out EXTRA with the cashier and you aren't friends with them. You don't have to be friends with Blue, and you certainly don't have to date Blue too.

I don't know if you want to poly date other people too, or if this would be a sort of "mixed marriage," in the sense that it's poly on his side and ENM on your side for casual sex in the new agreement, or something other than that.

I think getting your thoughts together with a counselor may help you have a more productive discussion with Red in session later on. If you could solve it by yourselves you would have already. I think this one needs professional help.

My issue is with not feeling like a unit!
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What do you need to feel like a functioning dyad on this side of the V? Are you able to say?

Galagirl
 
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Hello Alex,

What you are describing is called cheating. Brian developed a relationship without getting your consent. That's cheating. If he says he wants to be polyamorous, that's just using polyamory to excuse the cheating.

I see that the two of you had an open marriage, so maybe this is more of a gray area. But the fact remains that you did not consent to Brian developing a relationship. He should have gotten that before continuing.

Yes, there was a lack of communication (on Brian's part). You knew that he had a friend with benefits, but you did not know that he was developing an emotional relationship with that friend -- you didn't know because he didn't tell you. He didn't communicate. You can't consent to something you don't know about. And you don't consent. And yet he is continuing to grow the relationship, more and more. That's cheating. It's cheating because you don't consent. It's cheating out in the open. Brian is making your marriage be polyamorous, he is making you consent to that, it's forced consent, it's not the real thing.

You can move forward from feeling like this, but first you need Brian to admit what he did, and apologize for what he is doing. You need him to show some remorse. As long as he refuses to do that, you are going to continue to feel violated. You are going to continue to feel like you are being forced to accept this. He shouldn't force you to accept this, he should ask you in a respectful and contrite way. This is a problem that he is causing, not you. You can't remain married to him and still feel okay about the way he is treating you. It's just wrong. He is doing you wrong. Please don't try to be okay with that.

Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.
 
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