Husband having a hard time

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SenecaSky

New member
We've been open for about 9 months or so and initially we weren't going to fall in love with anyone else. That's changed since we discovered polyamory, and my husband said he thought it would work out.

He's excited about going to poly and kink events, likes my boyfriend - they have computers and guns in common - and is looking forward to making friends in the poly community. However, he is finding it hard to see me go off in the evenings with my boyfriend. I see my guy twice a week, and I try to make sure that the time by husband and I share is quality time and that he's getting his need for sex fulfilled. I happily oblige. lol

But sometimes, like today, his funk is pretty bad. I had a sleepover last night, got home around 11am this morning and he's in bed. Told me it's part sinus infection and part having issues with jealousy and insecurity. In the past, he's told me that he sometimes struggles with feeling abandoned. We talk very openly, but lately I feel as though he's been closed off. He's told me in the past that he worries that what he'll tell me will ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. He worries that I'll jump to the conclusion that I should break up with him. My husband knows he needs to try to work through his feelings, but I've told him that he still needs to talk to me. What if he starts feeling suicidal? I need to know this stuff. I can't see keeping the marriage open if he's feeling that way.

He doesn't want to hurt me or see me hurt if I break it off with my boyfriend. He gets turned on and excited about the thought of me being with another man. Usually he wants me to have sex with him before going on my date. Sometimes I agree, but sometimes, like last night, I say no because part of my preparation for seeing my guy is sometimes a mental process and I like to separate my time with my two men. He understands that, but is unhappy about it. I try to dress up for my husband once in awhile and we go on more date nights, to try to make him feel just as special. It's frustrating because we can both see all of the really good stuff that has come from being poly - he just goes through bouts of almost severe depression (pretty infrequently) and I just want him to be okay.

I'm happy, I want him to be just as happy. He admits he's had a harder time knowing I'm in love. He knows I don't love him any less, but it's still hard. I wonder if closing up our marriage would help him, but I'm not sure it would. These feelings of insecurity stem from his childhood where he was unpopular and only had one date. He used to get picked on by girls and he feels that he was simply lucky that he ended up with me. He doesn't really see that he's an awesome, attractive, intelligent guy that has a lot to offer. He thinks he needs more sex, but seeing as how we have sex almost every day, I'm wondering if he's using it as some sort of physical crutch to help him through.

I'm rambling now. He's not keen on seeing a poly-friendly therapist and if he doesn't feel he can tell me his innermost thoughts, then I'm not sure what to do. I'm curious as to your thoughts - and what could you spouse say to you that might make you decide that closing the marriage is for the best? We call ourselves poly, but really it's probably more open. He doesn't have a strong desire for romantic relationships - mostly casual ones - and that's mainly because he doesn't think he has the time to cultivate a relationship of his own since I also have one and we need to make time for the kids. And I don't HAVE to have other relationships - I just happened to find someone first that I ended up falling for. If I wasn't in love, I'd close up our marriage in a blink if it's what he wanted. But, now there's another person involved. And like I said, they like each other. Hubby is looking forward to events. We even have a threesome lined up with a trusted friend that he's been talking non-stop about. I suspect he'll snap out of it. I just need some advice. Anything I can tell him that would make it better?
 
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SenecaSky said:
In the past, he's told me that he sometimes struggles with feeling abandoned. We talk very openly, but lately I feel as though he's been closed off. He's told me in the past that he worries that what he'll tell me will ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. He worries that I'll jump to the conclusion that I should break up with him. My husband knows he needs to try to work through his feelings, but I've told him that he still needs to talk to me. What if he starts feeling suicidal? I need to know this stuff......
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Respectfully, you don't.

We can reassure others of our love and devotion, but we can never rescue anyone from his thougths and feelings. Your husband is right that his struggles are his struggles and that only he can move himself along to a better place with all of this. You can't do it for him and you absolutely can't prevent drastic actions by monitoring his thoughts. Can you be emotionally available? Absolutely. Can you be loving and caring and accessible? Yes! Can you assure that all goes well with him at all times? No. The truth is that people are independent and in charge of their own lives. No amount of checking up on someone (which often feels like pity or doubt of competence to the person being checked on) can move him to confidence and ease. That's work that only he can do.

Lest you think this is all based on theory and nothing practical, you can read more about my experiences here.

It's clear that you're coming from a loving place and that goes a very long way. If you want to talk with him, focus on discussing avenues that he can pursue as he looks for a better path. You can walk beside him, but you can't lead him and it sounds like he might be trying to tell you so. It sounds like putting your own life on hold is the last thing he's asking for - and rightly so. Have confidence in his abilities to find his way and choose for himself the many ways that he can get support and guidance. The bottom line is that we can never control other people. Nothing teaches this again and again more than raising kids and being in poly relationships. The most powerful and loving thing we can do for our loved ones is to keep our own peaceful hearts while showing them the respect of allowing them to run their own lives.
 
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I posted similar problems earlier this year. I met Sweetheart and fell in love. Lovey and I discussed Poly and really felt it was right for us. However, the longer we went where I was seeing Sweetheart and Lovey couldn't find a partner, the stronger his jealousy became. Not going to lie, we hit some pretty rough patches. I was in love with both of them and couldn't give them up and close the marriage. But we got through it.

When Lovey met and started dating Kitty he fell in love really quickly. After the first weekend we spent together the three of us and all the kids, he told me after that he was filled with so much love and that he knows what he was truly missing and he thanked me for not letting him run away when it got hard. He is truly happy now. And our poly family has grown into a really beautiful thing.
 
His request to have sex right before you leave on your date is his way of marking his territory I suspect. I hope you shower after that because I'm not aware of many men who would appreciate the whole sloppy seconds thing.
 
Hi SenecaSky,

Just my impression, but from what I've read here I'm feeling like your husband will probably be able to work through his difficult feelings and come out okay.

I guess it is okay to ask him how he's feeling sometimes, but as one example of the male mindset, I will admit that sometimes it makes me twitch when my lady asks me how I'm feeling. Gih -- gih -- gih -- gih! Men are often uncomfortable sharing their feelings; they don't know why they're being asked; they think they're being interrogated; heck they don't even *know* how they "feel" half the time!

I mostly agree with HappilyFallenAngel: It is a good thing to give your husband the mental/emotional space to find his own strength in life, even if he has to wander around for awhile looking for it. He can do it.

It sounds to my like your husband isn't completely shutting down; he is talking to you. That's a good sign.

Hang in there and keep us posted. If things start getting worse, we'll try to help some more.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Seneca,

He's told me in the past that he worries that what he'll tell me will ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. He worries that I'll jump to the conclusion that I should break up with him.
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I can't see keeping the marriage open if he's feeling that way.
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I think your husband knows that you would stop polyamory if he shared his innermost thoughts. He wants to see you happy and wants to give this a chance. He also deserves the chance to work on some of his anxieties and become a stronger person. If polyamory is a catalyst for this, then it's a good thing. However, since he knows that you would end polyamory for him, it's actually a lot of pressure on his shoulders - even though you mean well.

My girlfriend once ended her relationship with a current partner because: a) she thought that's what I wanted / thought I couldn't handle it; and b) she couldn't handle dealing with my emotions on the matter. The second one, I feel, is an important one to think about, because it might be at play here without you even realising it. Your part is to have the strength to separate your emotional existence from your husband's. His emotions are his own and it's time to let him own them. In return, you can work on owning your discomfort and work on supporting your husband without enmeshing yourself so much that you aren't able to be truly empathetic.

You genuinely strike me as being someone who is extremely compassionate. That's a wonderful quality, especially in polyamory. Being empathetic is different - it's about being able to handle hearing his true emotions without becoming overwhelmed or attempting to fix.

You can read more about this here:
http://drkellyflanagan.com/2013/03/...empathy-in-marriage-and-how-to-overcome-them/

My husband knows he needs to try to work through his feelings, but I've told him that he still needs to talk to me.
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I do see what you are saying. It's important for couples to share their inner worlds. However, some people actually find that dealing alone is more helpful for them than sharing the details of every anxiety.

Me personally? I love to share. However, I've been in the position where sharing my innermost thoughts and insecurities with my partner was too much for her to handle. She didn't know how to cope with it. I was met with her frustration, disappointment, anger, need to fix, pressure to "feel ok", or other things that weren't helpful. This caused me to close down. No matter how often I told her that I didn't want her to end her relationship(s), she ignored me and said that I wasn't coping, so she would need to end things. Instead of alleviating my anxieties, it added to them - and I still wasn't validated!

I share this with you because I feel that if you want your husband to reveal his inner world with you, it's important to give him a safe space to do so. He has to feel comfortable that he can JUST share, without being met with your upset, frustration, or need to fix.

Usually he wants me to have sex with him before going on my date. Sometimes I agree, but sometimes, like last night, I say no because part of my preparation for seeing my guy is sometimes a mental process and I like to separate my time with my two men. He understands that, but is unhappy about it.
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Poly isn't just about tending to your husband's needs. If you need that mental separation, why not suggest another way that you can find the closeness with your husband? Could be that you and hubby have a date the night after every date with your boyfriend? Or that you do something else special? It might be about marking his territory, but it could also be that your husband feels that if he has sex with you before you go out, you'll have good memories of him and won't forget about him. It could be that he feels you two have to have more sex to be the 'primary' couple. There could be many motivations. Rather than feeding an unhealthy motivation, why not address it and try to find a healthier way to find the same connection?

It's frustrating because we can both see all of the really good stuff that has come from being poly - he just goes through bouts of almost severe depression (pretty infrequently) and I just want him to be okay.
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Really, give him time. I still felt like this 9 months into poly. Poly was a huge struggle for me - especially when my partner fell in love. Sometimes it's not easy. That doesn't mean that it's time to walk away.

He doesn't really see that he's an awesome, attractive, intelligent guy that has a lot to offer. He thinks he needs more sex, but seeing as how we have sex almost every day, I'm wondering if he's using it as some sort of physical crutch to help him through.
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Have you asked him?

I'm curious as to your thoughts - and what could you spouse say to you that might make you decide that closing the marriage is for the best?
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The only thing my partner could say that would lead me to this conclusion is that she wanted to be monogamous and really wanted me to go on that journey with her. My partner struggling with polyamory wouldn't tell me that she couldn't do poly - she'd need to actually verbalise those words. At this time, your husband is struggling - but he's not saying he wants to end poly.

Anything I can tell him that would make it better?
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You could continue to reassure him of your love with words and actions.
You could encourage him to find self-esteem through his own interests - hobbies, skills, a new language. Encourage him to achieve.
You could provide a safe space for him to talk, where he doesn't have to worry that you'll end poly.
You could tell him that it's ok to feel bad and that you're simply there for him whenever he needs, and that feeling bad isn't a failing on his part.
You could come to an agreement that you try poly for a year and then review it - no talking of ending poly in the meantime.

Finally, another thing that helped my girlfriend and I was to create a number system. We were finding that she didn't *want* to talk about every feeling, which made it difficult for me to check in with her. In return, she interpreted every feeling I communicated as a huge deal. So now we use numbers - 0 = zero stress, 1-2 = typical pang, can deal alone, 3 = something specific is bugging, might need to talk, 4 = serious problem, need to discuss, 5 = relationship deal-breaker. This way, if your husband feels that he's just having 'typical' poly struggles but doesn't need or want to talk about it, he can just say "I'm just feeling a 2", which should help you not to panic and him to check in without having to have lengthy discussions if he doesn't want to. This also helps you to see how his feelings change over time. Things that used to be a level 4 for me during the first year or so of poly are now 1-2 things.
 
graviton said:
His request to have sex right before you leave on your date is his way of marking his territory I suspect. I hope you shower after that because I'm not aware of many men who would appreciate the whole sloppy seconds thing.
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I was in a few mfm for a while and I had no problem with this.
 
@ sparklepop ... outstanding post, I just wanted to say.

Re: sloppy seconds ... [shrug] I'm probably indifferent; heh, DADT type thing. Although, Snowbunny (hinge of our V) probably would shower between encounters. Just because she likes to keep things extra clean. I suppose I like that.
 
In my FFM Vee's, I'd also not have been okay if there hadn't been some kind of "clean up" in between (actually, that would be true of any configuration: MFM, MMF, FFF, whatever). If I am not having sex directly with someone, I'm not really up for having it indirectly (I also don't want gory details of their sex lives, and would be livid if--as has happened--I found out they were sharing details of ours). It just sees like common courtesy, unless you know for sure all parties are okay with it.
 
graviton said:
His request to have sex right before you leave on your date is his way of marking his territory I suspect. I hope you shower after that because I'm not aware of many men who would appreciate the whole sloppy seconds thing.
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bassman said:
I was in a few mfm for a while and I had no problem with this.
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kdt26417 said:
Re: sloppy seconds ... [shrug] I'm probably indifferent; heh, DADT type thing. Although, Snowbunny (hinge of our V) probably would shower between encounters. Just because she likes to keep things extra clean. I suppose I like that.
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And yet for some people...this is an extra turn on. Others are indifferent. This is an individual bias/preference - I don't think you can rely on generalizations.

I don't want to hear the "details" of my boys' interactions with Lotus. But smelling my lover's musk on another partner is a definite turn-on. (Like I am with both of them, but aren't!) BUT, I would not feel this way if I wasn't involved with her also.

The boys don't seem to care one way or the other .... for Lotus's husband (TT, my FB) it's an added attraction...to each their own! (But I know that for many this is any issue...lucky for me, none of my partners...unliuckily fore me, some of my metamours....)4
 
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221

Thank you everyone for the great feedback!

I ended up talking with him and I do get the sense, like some of you say, that he may not quite know his own feelings at times and may just not want to get into a lengthy discussion. He did let me know that sometimes when I turn him down for sex before leaving on my date he feels as though I'd rather have sex with the boyfriend than with him. I explained that I love having sex with him but just need my time to prepare. He understands that but said again that seeing me get ready and knowing I'm going to be sexual turns him on, and he said that he hasn't been all that horny lately so it's harder when I refuse. I'll see if I can talk to him about finding other ways to connect. He's defnintely a happier man when he's getting his nooky time. And maybe yes, he feels as though he needs more sex to be primary, but I kinda doubt that. He's always liked tons of sex.

I think the bigger thing is the NRE that I have in my new relationship. He'd like me to be just as excited to have sex with him as I am with my boyfriend. He knows about NRE and how it works and has said it's just harder to see that excitement when it's not directed at him.

I like the numbering system for how you're feeling - excellent suggestion, thank you! I think that would be good as I tend to be one that takes it hard when he's not having a good day and I do like to work out what I perceive as "a problem". And sometimes, he just needs to find his own footing.

I did tell him that I won't jump to the conclusion that we shut everything down if he's really having a hard time, because you guys are right. I think he worries about telling me too much for fear that I'll do something extreme. I told him that I always want him to feel able to talk to me about stuff without worrying about my reactions. I even told him that when he's having a seriously hard day, there may be nothing I can do except let him work through it and try not to let my emotions wallow in the pits, as well... cause that's not benefiting anyone.

Since my post, he's been upbeat, we've been to an event, he's gotten to chat with others in the community (kink and poly) and has been much happier. For awhile, my boyfriend was getting every Saturday night, but we've since changed that up since hubby wants to be able to take me out when he's not exhausted from work, or having to get up in the morning. Because of the kink, we're exploring new things to do in the bedroom which helps keep the sex spicier and I think helps him to feel as though he's not getting the ho-hum sex while my boyfriend is getting all the super stellar sex. LOL

We're going to a non-monogamy discussion group tonight - all three of us, so I'm hoping for some good info and sharing. I won't push him to share or speak. It's our first event and I tend to do most of the talking anyway. I just need to remember not to say something that might make him uncomfortable. Although I do want to ask them (and you as well) if any of you have meaningful poly relationships where you only see your OSO at most once a week? He's thinking he won't have the time to build a relationship while I have a concurrent one. His last relationship the gal needed WAY more of his time that she indicated she would in the beginning (several times a week). I told him that there's plenty of people (even other poly's looking for a secondary) who could be happy only meeting infrequently. He's thinking anything he finds would have to be a casual/nsa thing.

Thanks all!!
 
So, your husband is thinking about looking for a casual/NSA type of a thing? I've never tried that, so I have no idea if I'd like it.

Sounds like you guys are getting on better footing with each other. That's good to hear.
 
It's more like he's resigning himself to casual/nsa because he feels he doesn't have the time to see someone twice a week or more. He's worried about being away from me and the kids too much. I'm trying to get across that he may find a meaningful relationship which doesn't require that much of his time.
 
I agree; how deep a relationship is doesn't always correspond with how often you get together.
 
SenecaSky said:
It's more like he's resigning himself to casual/nsa because he feels he doesn't have the time to see someone twice a week or more. He's worried about being away from me and the kids too much. I'm trying to get across that he may find a meaningful relationship which doesn't require that much of his time.
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I could totally enjoy a relationship with someone I could see only once a week, and could still invest in it deeply and consider it meaningful/more than NSA. Other people have busy lives, too.
 
I agree - once or (at _best_) twice a week was the most I ever saw HipsterBoy, and that was absolutely meaningful - same for my current relationships, those are significant to me at least and I don't see them even THAT often. It's quality of time, not quantity, at least to me.
 
For the past few years I've had a FWB that has slowly become poly to a small degree. She first acknowledged the shift recently, and we both think it will build with time. We've usually only gotten together about once every two weeks, and that is likely to continue with occasional variations more or less. So, IMO a real relationship can develop even with infrequent time together, but may take longer to fully blossom.
 
Thanks everyone,

I think he knows he could have a meaningful relationship with less time invested - I think he may just be worried that the next woman will want more of his time like the last. (He has a hard time saying NO) That's where I've suggested laying down boundaries and expectations right at the beginning. Be clear that you can only get together once a week. There's a girl he's had his eye on at the last couple of events. She's into guns, as are we, so we may invite her out to the range to do some shooting. I'd love to see him back in the saddle.

We attended the non-monogamy discussion group, and I swear it's going to be the next best thing to seeing a poly-friendly therapist. The lady that leads it has really got her head wrapped around all of this poly stuff and my husband said he learned a few new things, and has some thinking to do about his feelings of insecurity. I'm completely thrilled, although I managed to keep from jumping up and down. lol
 
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