Hello friends,
I’m a 31 y/o F, in a very committed marriage for 9 years. I’ve only dated/had sex with my husband. My husband (A) was also a virgin when we got married, and has always had a fantasy of having sex with other women (often with me present as well) and has communicated this fantasy to me frequently. It initially made me feel hurt and like I wasn’t good enough (mostly because of my fundamental Christian background), but I’ve gradually gotten over that.
More recently, A began mentioning mutual acquaintances as potential partners, and I got so tired of hearing about it that I started just going along with the idea. Eventually, he became close friends with someone we both know (M) and asked me if I would be ok with him pursuing her. I realized that I don’t believe I have the right to control his sex life, so I told him that and asked him to consider how his choices affect me, and to let me know when he decided to actually be romantic/have sex with someone else. And we agreed I could do the same since that would be fair.
Within a week, he made arrangements with M and they spent the night together. A didn’t tell me beforehand, and he and I had sex the next day before I found out about the situation. To say that I was hurt is an understatement. I felt betrayed because I didn’t feel emotionally ready. I’m an INFJ, if that helps you understand how important and private intimacy is to me.
After a 24 hour period of me rethinking my life, I settled into acceptance and decided to make the best of the situation by befriending M. The three of us have casually hung out several times, and A has had sex with M 3 more times in the past 2 weeks.
M came out as bi to A before all of this happened, and he mentioned this to me in hopes that we might all end up together in a friends with benefits situation. She hasn’t come out as bi to me though, and I’m getting the vibe that she’s just not into me (despite expressing interest in being friends).
I should mention that I’m bi-curious, and probably only because my husband kept bringing up the idea during sex. That being said, I’ll try pretty much anything so I’m open to the idea. But as things stand currently, it looks like that’s not going to happen.
So now that I’ve wrapped my head around the fact that I’m in an open marriage, I’m trying to figure out what I want in this situation. I like the idea of finding my own special friend (male or female), but the idea of how to go about this is overwhelming enough to quit before I start. I’m really emotionally close with my husband and the idea of opening up to someone else seems foreign. And (again, INFJ here) dating a bunch of people is not exactly high on my list of things that sound fun. I’m not even sure of what I want sexually because I’ve had a very satisfying, fairly vanilla relationship thus far.
If you’ve made it this far, you have my gratitude. Mostly just need to get all this off my chest.
I’m a 31 y/o F, in a very committed marriage for 9 years. I’ve only dated/had sex with my husband. My husband (A) was also a virgin when we got married, and has always had a fantasy of having sex with other women (often with me present as well) and has communicated this fantasy to me frequently. It initially made me feel hurt and like I wasn’t good enough (mostly because of my fundamental Christian background), but I’ve gradually gotten over that.
More recently, A began mentioning mutual acquaintances as potential partners, and I got so tired of hearing about it that I started just going along with the idea. Eventually, he became close friends with someone we both know (M) and asked me if I would be ok with him pursuing her. I realized that I don’t believe I have the right to control his sex life, so I told him that and asked him to consider how his choices affect me, and to let me know when he decided to actually be romantic/have sex with someone else. And we agreed I could do the same since that would be fair.
Within a week, he made arrangements with M and they spent the night together. A didn’t tell me beforehand, and he and I had sex the next day before I found out about the situation. To say that I was hurt is an understatement. I felt betrayed because I didn’t feel emotionally ready. I’m an INFJ, if that helps you understand how important and private intimacy is to me.
After a 24 hour period of me rethinking my life, I settled into acceptance and decided to make the best of the situation by befriending M. The three of us have casually hung out several times, and A has had sex with M 3 more times in the past 2 weeks.
M came out as bi to A before all of this happened, and he mentioned this to me in hopes that we might all end up together in a friends with benefits situation. She hasn’t come out as bi to me though, and I’m getting the vibe that she’s just not into me (despite expressing interest in being friends).
I should mention that I’m bi-curious, and probably only because my husband kept bringing up the idea during sex. That being said, I’ll try pretty much anything so I’m open to the idea. But as things stand currently, it looks like that’s not going to happen.
So now that I’ve wrapped my head around the fact that I’m in an open marriage, I’m trying to figure out what I want in this situation. I like the idea of finding my own special friend (male or female), but the idea of how to go about this is overwhelming enough to quit before I start. I’m really emotionally close with my husband and the idea of opening up to someone else seems foreign. And (again, INFJ here) dating a bunch of people is not exactly high on my list of things that sound fun. I’m not even sure of what I want sexually because I’ve had a very satisfying, fairly vanilla relationship thus far.
If you’ve made it this far, you have my gratitude. Mostly just need to get all this off my chest.