Husband wants to see other women

[BlueberryPanda]

Hi All,

I’m brand new here, but did a lot of reading already, and I’m positively surprised. I love how deep people here are; you genuinely try to help. I feel like I need some perspective now, other than my own intrusive thoughts, so all feedback is welcome.

My husband and I have been together for more than 11 years now, always super happy, with normal ups and downs. Recently, we started talking about spicing things up with a threesome with another girl. However, after some talks, it's starting to look to me like he is also searching for another women for his own private pleasure. I’m mono at heart, and I could do threesome with another female, because it’s fun, but I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with another man. By the way we talked, it looked to me like he was testing the ground as to what I could be okay with: only sex, can he still meet up with them after sex, are dinners/dates all right?

Anyway, I guess the thing that bothers me most and makes me insecure is that even though the threesome talk was on the table for some time, he got a phone number from a girl he met on a trip and they’ve been talking for weeks, supposedly everyday stuff, and it’s like a game to him. The girl suggested visiting him (she has no clue he has a wife) and I could see that he was super-excited about it. I wanted to be open-minded, and we had some good conversations. But the other day, I let my insecurities slip and he was upset with me not being forward with my questions about the situation (thing that he always claims I am - scared to death of seriously talking). He claimed nothing had happened yet. He was nervous too.

I can feel him being upset with me about it. I feel like it came crushing right on me. I asked him for some time to adjust. We still need to continue talking, but it’s difficult. I’m really confused. Definitely don’t want to take a decision that would break my marriage, but I kind of feel he took the decision for us and I'm just stand in the way…

 

[ref2018]

The girl suggested visiting him (she has no clue he has a wife) and I can see he was super exited about it. I wanted to be open minded and we had some good conversations but the other day I let me insecurities slip and he was upset with me not being forward with my questions about the situation (thing that he always claims I am - scared to death of seriously talking). He claimed nothing happened just yet and he was nervous too.

I can feel him being upset with me about it. I feel like ir came crushing right on me and I asked him for some time to adjust… we still need to continue taking but it’s difficult… I’m really confused. Definitely don’t want to take a decision that would break my marriage but I kind of feel he took the decision for us and I just stand in the way…

Well first "the girl" needs to be clued in, otherwise he's seeing her under false pretenses.

Your fear of upsetting your husband by wanting an equal say in your relationship is not really my area of specialty, but I'm sure others will have some advice about that.

 

[Evie]

Polyamory is generally defined as conducting multiple romantic/intimate relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved. I'm not seeing a lot of knowledge (her) or consent (you) yet. Hubby seems to have put the cart before the horse here.

See the pinned thread on most commonly cited resources to get some effective conversations going. In particular, the Polysecure Workbook.

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

I could be wrong in my impressions, but this is what I think. I don't know if it helps you any. I think it is NORMAL for you to feel uncertain. His approach sounds wonky, and not especially nice to you or this lady.

Recently, we started talking about spicing things up with a threesome with another girl. However, after some talks, it is starting to look to me like he is also searching for another women for his own private pleasure. I’m mono at heart, and I could do threesome with another female, because it’s fun, but I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with another man. By the way we talked, it looked to me like he was testing the ground as to what I could be okay with: only sex, can he still meet up with them after sex, are dinners/dates all right?

It's fine to talk things out and figure out what is, and is not, on the table: casual sex like, "one and done," or casual group sex, "one and done," longer-term FWBs, polyamory, or whatever. Neither of you can be a mind reader. You HAVE to talk it out if you want to know where each one stands, and figure out if you are still compatible or not, and what the new agreements would even be.

Just because you were compatible for monogamy for a time doesn't make you AUTOMATICALLY compatible for non-monogamy. You each might want different things that don't go together. Then what?

The thing that bothers me most is that even though the threesome talk was on the table for some time, he got a phone number from a girl he met on a trip and they’ve been talking for weeks, supposedly everyday stuff, and it’s like a game to him.

No, just talking about it is not agreeing to be in an open marriage. It's just talking still. If you did not agree to an open relationship yet, he's jumping the gun. And if your current agreements are still monogamous ones, then he's jumping the gun AND cheating on current agreements, so you are going to feel yucky watching him do this.

The girl suggested visiting him (she has no clue he has a wife) and I can see he was super-excited about it.

Nope, it's not great that he's keeping Lady in the dark and seems to be planning a hook-up this way. She can't give informed consent if he leaves out important details, like he's married!

Why is he even telling you about it? Is he... stupid? Takes you THAT much for granted? I'm not trying to be mean, but it's a bit much, isn't it, telling you he is lying to some woman he wants to share sex with? What does he want you to do, pat him on the head for that behavior?

I don't blame you for feeling icky about his approach. Other women are not living sex dolls for him to use. It's not treating them respectfully, like PEOPLE.

I wanted to be open-minded. We had some good conversations. But the other day, I let me insecurities slip and he was upset with me not being forward with my questions about the situation (thing that he always claims I am - scared to death of seriously talking). He claimed nothing had happened yet. He was nervous too.

How does he create safe space in which you can tell him things, if he's talking to you like that? Is he a good listener, or not so much?

Right now, he's hitting on Lady, WHILE keeping her in the dark about the fact he's married, and before you have consented to open the marriage.

Exactly how does he think this is going to play out?

If he's jumping ahead, thinking with his penis, and lying to Lady, and running right past you, that doesn't exactly inspire confidence in his hinge skills, does it? You might not like what you see in your partner right now.

I think you could tell him NO, you have NOT agreed to open yet. No dating Lady or meeting up with her for a one night stand or any of that.

I suggest slowing down, getting better educated and working with a counselor experienced in non-monogamy. Make your actual agreements first.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

Read some articles. Start with pitfalls, because it sounds like you are both gonna jump into some, from the start:

Wayback Machine

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

Even if you don't want to date another man right now, the new agreements could be: "We can each date genders we are attracted to" from the start. Not both of you dating the same person, dating SEPARATELY. You have your new person. He has his new person. Then if you don't date men, it's because YOU don't feel like exercising the option to date men, but it's not like you don't have the option at all.

Talk about how this transition will end. If it goes well, what would that look like? If it goes poorly, it might even go down to everyone single. If this ends up in a break-up, it's better to have the emergency plan laid out when calm, and not trying to make a plan when everything is wacky. Nobody wants the boat to sink, or the plane to crash, but they still pack life preservers and parachutes ahead of time. They don't start thinking about stocking those after the emergency happens, right?

If you and husband are unable to talk calmly about such things... why?

Poly has a way of shining a light on all the cracks already there.

I can feel him being upset with me about it. I feel like ir came crushing right on me and I asked him for some time to adjust… we still need to continue taking but it’s difficult… I’m really confused. Definitely don’t want to take a decision that would break my marriage but I kind of feel he took the decision for us and I just stand in the way…

You seem to see this clearly enough. He is trying to make a unilateral decision for your couple, like, you've had a few talks and he's declared-- "It's open now!" And you are just supposed to fall in line with that and lump it.

In real life, you don't have to agree to that or like that way of going. You can tell him NO, especially since he wants you to be more direct.

If you tell him you don't like his behavior, I think it perfectly okay for him to feel upset with himself. He's just jumping the gun and running right over you. If that is how he wants to do HIS poly practice, he can do that-- treat his partners this way and behave all wacky. That doesn't mean YOU consent to still be in his poly network, still be his partner.

Why would "save the marriage shape" be more important to you than "save my health and well-being?"

You are not obligated to do open or polyamory. There is nothing wrong with preferring monogamy, nothing wrong with preferring a better quality of open marriage, or poly practice, than what he's got on offer. You don't have to be up for lying to people and rushing and all that. You could aspire to healthy relationships and skip the wonky messy stuff.

Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

Telling you he lies to some woman he wants to share sex with? What's he want you to do? Pat him on the head for that behavior?

I totally second everything GalaGirl said.

OP, I'd suggest this shows his true character and start to question what he hasn't told you! Has he been cheating all along and it's getting too hard to hide or too much work? This all sounds beyond fishy.

Him lying to other women means he isn't doing poly. He's cheating. Even if you know, they don't.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello BlueberryPanda,

I'm sorry your husband is taking things so fast, when you have asked him to give you some time. I don't blame you for being upset. I know you have a good marriage with him, but the way he is handling the open/poly issue is totally uncool. Tell him you expect better treatment from him, if you are going to continue to be his wife.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I agree with the other posters.

I suggest you read the book Opening Up, which goes fully into Poly Basics 101-- how to do ETHICAL open relationships. What your h is doing is NOT ethical.

I was on the poly dating scene for many years. (I am settled now, with two great partners.) But when I was going on dating sites, I ran into guys like your husband all the time. They used the terms polyamory or ethical non-monogamy (ENM). But lots of time, they were married, or partnered, and cheating, or they were single losers living in their mom's basement and just wanted to flirt, and pretend they wanted to meet up, just to arouse themselves, jerk off and then suddenly stop talking.

He doesn't want to meet this woman. He's excited to imagine it, sure. But what's he gonna do, meet her in a hotel room some day and pretend to be single? That's just plain old cheating in full sight of the wife. Gross.

Your husband saying this is a game to him is a BIG red flag.

 

[Openbook23]

You get to have feelings. It's a bit concerning that he gets upset with you for having feelings about this. Even those of us who are fully poly and have been for years will get feelings sometimes. Being able to talk about those openly, lovingly, and (most importantly) honestly is key.

Your husband is excited about the possibility of being with someone new. That's totally normal, and New Relationship Energy is a very real thing. However, it doesn't last. It also doesn't justify treating your other partners poorly. I'm not saying he is, but your post suggests that he's not taking your feelings as seriously as he should.

Also, as others have noted, he needs to tell this other woman that he's with you...sooner the better. It's not fair to this woman that she thinks she's getting into a relationship with a single guy. In my experience MOST women don't want to date a married man. I'm married, and thus aware that there are exceptions. But I never date someone who doesn't know that I'm already married. That would be deceptive and gross