I am BEYOND torn...

[PineappleLove]

Okay, so I posted some time ago on a long thread, and have stepped back with all the advice to really think.

To catch up anyone who hasn't read my other posts (my introduction and my long post) I have been in a triad relationship with my husband and our partner Cheyenne. I have been struggling this entire time with jealousy and insecurity, and having breakdowns, and it is really tearing apart not only my marriage and my relationship with Cheyenne, but tearing me apart, myself.

I am unhappy with my life. I want out of this situation, but I don't want to lose my husband, because I have loved him for 22 years. But at the same time, I am not happy completely with our marriage.

He doesn't kiss me except a peck goodbye. If I ask for a kiss I get a sigh and/or an "I guess," or "Sure," but not a happy sure. He won't cuddle me willingly, and if he does, he makes it very awkward and obvious that it's an inconvenience for him. There is no passion in bed, no foreplay because "It's too much work" (yes, his words). He constantly tells me how much of a problem I am for him and his stress level with my emotions...

I don't not love Cheyenne either, but I cause her so much grief and emotional stress with my breakdowns, and we are not connecting like I want us to be at this point. I am torn what to do. I want to be happy... which I know needs to start with loving myself, and I want to be happy with them, but I can't seem to control my emotions to not spiral over anything that involves them two only, and I can't seem to get them to hear me or care that my needs aren't being met. I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to be unhappy and bringing people down. I am so lost. I can hardly explain what I'm feeling and thinking right now.

 

[WhereaMi52]

I am very new to all of this, so unfortunately I do not have any advice that I think would be useful to you. I am sorry that you are going through all of that. It sounds very lonely and scary. If you need anyone to talk to I'm here for you.

 

[Magdlyn]

It sounds like your husband has actually moved on emotionally from the marriage. I'm sorry you're suffering.

I hear you don't want to be alone, but sometimes being at peace and just loving yourself is better than feeling unloved, and uncared for, and like a third wheel in your own home.

I'm not sure if you read the "poly hell" article before. It sounds like you've probably read a lot and just need encouragement to be good to yourself, to take the leap into freedom, and eventually to find someone who will appreciate you, care for you, and love you.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Bonny,

I don't blame you for feeling torn, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. It sounds like your husband isn't willing to give you as much affection as you need. Even Cheyenne is pulling away from you. You don't want to walk away, but in a situation like this, what can you do? It feels like they want you to break up with them, so that they can fully enjoy each other. I hope that's not how they feel. They are not hearing you, and are not caring about your needs. I don't claim to know exactly what you feel, but it is obvious that you are suffering.

Much sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you are unhappy and struggling with inner conflict.

I don't really have anything new since your last post.

The feelings are hard. But I think the actions are straightforward.

You would like them to change behaviors so you can stay. But you have already asked for changes many times and things are NOT changing. Husband doesn't treat you very nicely. It is no longer a loving relationship.

So you cannot continue to stay in this. You are suffering.

It's time to have a taste of life NOT dealing in this. Can you make a little pocket of space?

• Be it for a weekend hotel stay just to catch some sleep and think?
• A week away alone or visiting a friend?
• Or even a trial separation for a year's lease.

It may be hard to imagine life without them. But at the same time, life WITH them is no bed of roses. So maybe you want to take a little time out for just you to reflect. What would it be like? Would it feel like RELIEF to be out of this home for a bit?

When all the things are hard, you get to pick your hard. So if all the choices stink, pick the choice that leads to your well being getting better. In this case, I think a breakup is the less stinky choice, even if you have to leave and reboot your life. Staying in never ending "ugh" is not healthy.

Sometimes thinking about a breakup is scary. But maybe you can "try it on" in a counseling session. Nobody has to know but you and your counselor. What would it be like? What parts are scary? What parts fill you with hope? What parts make you excited?

I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to be unhappy and bringing people down. I am so lost. I can hardly explain what I'm feeling and thinking right now.

I think you see the writing on the wall. You aren't ready to actually do it, but you see it coming. In order to get relief, you might have to break up with both of them. So you are in anticipatory grief and/or precontemplation or contemplation. Maybe looking at this visual aid helps you some.

The Stages of Change: Moving Forward in Life and Business – ProAttitudes

proattitudes.com

Galagirl

 

[PineappleLove]

Thank you all. I had a long talk with my husband last night and so many tears were cried (mine only) and so many emotions were felt. I am scared to make a move, but I made the first small step, talk with one of them. Next comes Chey.

My husband still doesn't see that he isn't meeting my needs, but he also says I don't meet his, but can't give me examples, so I feel angry with that, like he is just saying it to make it seem like I'm the cause. And maybe I'm not meeting his needs, but I surely try. And apparently he says he tries too, but I don't see it. Nothing is changing or has changed. I don't know. I am just torn.

But I do feel like maybe some were right, that a trial separation or week or weekend away will help. Just isn't easy with kids in the home, and my job is a State job (DOT), and not sure I can transfer to another district or state easily. Not to mention Cheyenne uses my vehicle (different story for another time, and a stressor for me) for work and I feel like I can't take it from her. I am just overwhelmed with emotions, especially today.

 

[GalaGirl]

He doesnt see still that he isn't meeting my needs

Even when you list specific behaviors that you would like him him to start/stop doing, so it becomes, "Yes, he does take the trash out" or, "No, he did not take the trash out"? He cannot see that he's not meeting your need for a roomie who helps around the house?

(This is just an example that is CONCRETE. I don't know what you listed.)

Or is he using this "can't see" thing to avoid taking personal responsibility for how his choices impact you?

I feel angry with that like he is just saying it to make it seem like I'm the cause.

Does he go, "Well, you don't either!" because you giving him feedback leads to him going defensive?

Or is this recognition that neither one of you meets the other one's needs and this is no longer compatible? Like he is saying it out loud? "I don't meet your needs. You don't meet mine. We are no longer compatible."

He also says I don't meet his, but can't give me examples.

If he cannot list the behaviors he wants you to start/stop doing to help meet his needs, how are you supposed to know them? You have to be a mind reader?

Or is this more like he doesn't want to list them because he just wants to be done? No longer compatible, no point in listing things?

I am just overwhelmed with emotions, especially today.

Take a breather. You can think out the other things one at a time.

I am just torn. But I do feel like maybe some were right that a trial separation or week or weekend away will help. Just isn't easy with kids in the home,

You can take a weekend in a hotel if you want to, and either take the kids with you to play at the hotel pool, or expect husband and Chey to watch them. It's only 2 days.

and my job is a State job (DOT)... not sure I can transfer to another district or state easily.

What's wrong with keeping your job how it is, and living in your own flat, with your own bed in your own bedroom, so you can stretch out when you feel like it?

Cheyenne uses my vehicle for work and I feel like I can't take it from her.

If you are loaning YOUR vehicle, you are not "taking your car away from her." It's yours. So if you need less stress in your life, it's okay to say "Chey, I need less stress in my life. I've loaned you my car for X months already. It's time for you to think of other transportation solutions that don't involve using my car. I need to detangle from that."

And then you detangle from that.

But again... baby steps. If you are emotional, take a breather. Come to calm first before doing anything else.

GG

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you all. I had a long talk with my husband last night and so many tears were cried (mine only) and so many emotions were felt. I am scared to make a move, but I made the first small step, talk with one of them. Next comes Chey. He doesn't see still that he isn't meeting my needs, but he also says I don't meet his, but can't give me examples, so I feel angry with that, like he is just saying it to make it seem like I'm the cause. And maybe I'm not meeting his needs, but I surely try. And apparently he says he tries too, but I don't see it. Nothing is changing or has changed. I don't know. I am just torn.

But I do feel like maybe some were right, that a trial separation or week or weekend away will help. Just isn't easy with kids in the home, and my job is a State job (DOT), and not sure I can transfer to another district or state easily. Not to mention Cheyenne uses my vehicle (different story for another time and a stressor for me) for work and I feel like I cant take it from her. I am just overwhelmed with emotions, especially today.

Husband is stonewalling you.

Taking a few days to yourself doesn't entail moving to another district or state. I am not sure why you think that. And yeah, Cheyenne needs to handle her own transportation so you can get your vehicle back.

Whether others are meeting our needs or not, we need to see to our own needs first. Some people have a really hard time believing this, understanding this, and implementing this.

Are you getting any therapy? If not, maybe it would help. Perhaps getting on an antidepressant for your current overwhelm would be a good safety net, to give you more energy and ability to focus on what you need to do.