I am hurting my wife but I don't know how to stop

[justalostsoul]

Hi everyone,

I hope this message finds you well amidst the ebb and flow of life's currents. I come to you today with a heart heavy with uncertainty, seeking wisdom in the shared experiences of this community.

Allow me to paint a picture of my journey. A decade ago, my wife and I made the decision to venture into the realm of non-monogamy. It was a choice rooted in our mutual desire for exploration and growth at the time. In our dynamic, she takes on the role of the primary breadwinner, while I have embraced being a stay-at-home father, tending to the needs of our shared offspring. I never sought to become a stay-at-home father per se, however the income difference being what it is, we decided it was for the best.

Recently, the tides of fate have thrown me into the whirlpool of conflicting emotions. It began innocently enough, a chance encounter with a kindred spirit about 7 years ago while in the pursuit of volunteer work. We shared commonality in that we were products of a rural upbringing, our families even share the same religious denomination, which we'd both left behind us. After the volunteering opportunity ended, we stayed in touch, she took a remote job, and we started meeting several times a week at the park where the kids could play and we could visit.

Eventually, she became my girlfriend. Over the course of the last 5 years, intimacy with my girlfriend has grown into something I never thought I could experience. She confessed to me that she has no desires for other men anymore, that I satisfy her in ways no man has before. I was her first to experience an orgasm with during sex. I don’t say that to suggest I am a stud, but I think about how special that level of trust and intimacy is which we have been able to reach together. My girlfriend has never pursued casual sex; in fact, she has had fewer sexual partners than I. And I know that shouldn’t matter to me, but I think if have become uniquely infatuated with the idea that it makes the intimacy we share feel so special.

I have done so much work to deprogram the idea of monogamy, and yet here I am experiencing the truest and most convincing joy of my life with this woman who is not at all what I thought I wanted, but who is everything I was taught to love during my upbringing. Almost like refugees hiding in plain sight, we share ideas about traditional values and religion with each other that we don’t dare share with others because they don’t understand.

My wife has embraced a modern suburban lifestyle in a hip city; we drive an EV, we recycle and compost. I do my best; I wash the yogurt caps to recycle 2 grams of aluminum, I gave up paper plates, and plastic spoons for the kids’ snacks… But I feel like a robot, like I am not actually living the way I was made to live. Not long ago, I developed a soft interest in homesteading. My wife thinks such an idea is ridiculous; in contrast, when I talk to my girlfriend about it, I am filled with inspiration and excitement. That is just one example of what my life has become. My wife and I have become disconnected, moving in different directions. We’ve not had sex in months, and I find that I have largely lost the desire to do so. And I am struggling with fantasies about a life I could have had if I had met my girlfriend when we were young.

I sat down and had a conversation with my wife about this, and it did not go well… She tells me that I am breaking her heart, and I do not know what to do.

 

[Bobbi]

It is sad when people grow in different directions or at different rates, but it happens a lot. You made a commitment for life, love your wife, and want to honor it. Doing so would result in your deep unhappiness.

Is it possible to be in love and happy in multiple relationships? Yes. So being poly really isn't the problem, nor is your love for your girlfriend. The problem is the life you want to live is completely the opposite of the the life you have now.

Your wife wants the life you have now, you want to homestead. Neither of you will be happy doing the other. Unfortunately, this will hurt but you are no longer compatible. Staying together will breed resentment. I would seriously consider divorce.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry.

If you and your wife are growing apart, there are only these paths, that I can see.

Be honest about the growing disconnect. You have done so. I get it's hard, but you have been honest. You and wife need to think and decide:

1) Whether you two DO want to be close romantic partners, you want to seek to repair whatever needs repairing and reconnect to grow close again.

• You try this, maybe do couple's counseling, and it pans out, so you stay together and continue to practice poly.
• You try, maybe do couple's counseling, and it pans out so you stay together, but you stop practicing poly
• You try and it does not pan out. So you break up as peacefully as possible, under the circumstances, and change to a healthy divorced coparenting family. Whether the individual spouses continue to practice poly or not is up to them.

2) You two DO NOT want to be close romantic partners.

• You have a trial separation for a year, to be sure. Maybe do couple's counseling in that year to talk about transitions, family therapy for kids, whatever else.
  • You change your minds and decide to come together again.
• You do not change your minds and move on to divorce.
• You go straight to divorce, without a trial separation.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello justalostsoul,

You have a lot of NRE going on with your girlfriend; you want to shout it from the rooftops and doing so feels like the most natural thing in the world. Your NRE for your wife has long since vanished, and when you compare her with your girlfriend, you perceive that your girlfriend is better for you by far. Speaking from experience, I can let you know that the day will come when you will regret knocking your wife off that pedestal, and replacing her with your girlfriend. Please don't do that.

Since things with your girlfriend are very positive and exciting to you, it seems natural to you to assume that those things will be positive and exciting to your wife as well. I don't know if you realize that your wife isn't experiencing the NRE. When she hears of your girlfriend, all she can see is that she is being replaced. Of course she is upset and hurt by that. So my initial advice is, don't talk to your wife about your girlfriend any more than absolutely necessary. Instead, work on your marriage with your wife. Get a couples counselor if you can. Spend more time with your wife. Go on formal dates with her. You said that you have largely lost the desire to have sex with her. Seek to get that desire back.

I do not mean to advise you to neglect your girlfriend. By all means keep seeing her, and enjoying that relationship for what it is. Just don't let the NRE trick you into believing that you don't love your wife anymore. The love is still there, it's just overshadowed by the NRE. You will feel it again someday, perhaps after it is too late.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Kevin is assuming you are practicing polyamory, and maybe GG is too. I want you to confirm this.

To me, it sounds like you started and continued this relationship with the girlfriend on the down low, and only recently confessed it to your wife, and it did not go well.

My advice will depend on you providing more details about all this.

Remember the definition of polyamory is to have multiple romantic partners, with the joyous and informed consent of all. To me, it sounds like you no longer experience romance with your wife, nor do you sexually desire her. You're all about the gf, and have been for quite some time. You're living as a stay-at-home dad, being financially supported by your wife, but are stepping out with a different woman.

It doesn't sound like you WANT polyamory, since you're no longer romantically interested in your wife, or particularly compatible, interests-wise. It doesn't sound like your wife wants polyamory either. Maybe even your gf doesn't want poly, she just wants to be monogamous with you...

What is it you want? For all intents and purposes, you and wife are just roommates and coparents, and not much more already. But you want to continue to be a stay-at-home dad while having a different romantic partner. You could divorce and perhaps get alimony and childcare support and be free to be a full partner to your girlfriend, it sounds like to me.

Your wife will grieve the loss of the relationship. Maybe you will too. But it sounds like you've grown apart.

 

[Tinwen]

I second all previous comments.

I may be wrong, but it also seems you are rather young. Maybe your wife was your first serious relationship and maybe this is the first time you have had a serious crisis in this relationship. You may not be very experienced in how to start bridging the gap and reconnecting. You may not feel it's possible. But relationships do grow out of crises, with effort and time and honesty.

From another perspective, you don't say how old your kid is, but being the stay-at-home parent of small children is tough. Every mom of a two-year-old I've talked to was totally fed up with that life, looking forward to get some relief when her small one is finally accepted to kindergarten, and, just usually had a relationship crisis too - just because the lifestyle of the two spouses was so different now. When you transfer some childcare and get some work responsibilities again, your worldview might, again, shift a lot.

Nothing in life is set in stone.

 

[MeeraReed]

You might consider freeing your wife to find someone who thinks she's as awesome as you think your girlfriend is.

Someone who actually wants to have sex with her. Someone who isn't disdainful of her suburban lifestyle and efforts to recycle. Someone who isn't longing for an imaginary pie-in-the-sky homesteading fantasy with their new girlfriend while moving robotically through life as a stay-at-home dad.

If your wife is also practicing non-monogamy, she might technically have the freedom to date others, but it's hard to do poly dating if she's feeling unloved and unsexy in her relationship with you. A divorce might be a better way for her to find a partner who is compatible with her and excited about her.

On the other hand, you could decide to really focus on your wife, your marriage, and figuring out what would make you both happy in your marriage. Are you feeling unhappy and isolated being a stay-at-home dad?

To me, the fact that you have lost all interest in your wife sexually is an indication that you are not very poly by orientation. You really just want to be with your girlfriend.

I am skeptical that your relationship with your girlfriend is as special as you think it is. She sounds like someone who needs a lot of emotional intimacy to be sexual with a partner and would therefore not be interested in casual sex. She is probably monogamous at heart. That is fine! But that is just about her emotional/sexual orientation; it doesn't mean that her connection with you in particular is more super special amazing than any other romantic relationship would be.

 

[Bobbi]

To me, the fact that you have lost all interest in your wife sexually is an indication that you are not very poly by orientation

People can be poly and love people we don't have sex with. Asexual people are drawn to poly for this reason.

I am skeptical that your relationship with your girlfriend is as special as you think it is. She sounds like someone who needs a lot of emotional intimacy to be sexual with a partner and would therefore not be interested in casual sex. She is probably monogamous at heart.

Are you suggesting that all poly people are interested in casual sex and those who aren't are not poly? Or those who don't want casual sex are innately monogamous?

 

[Magdlyn]

This guy wrote a well-thought out and elegantly composed story for us, as if it were a novel, and now hasn't been back in about 10 days... I think we've seen the last of him.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Could someone explain to me how this is not poly/ENM? Is it a DADT?
OP has been doing ENM for a decade and with GF for 5 years, and to me it sounds he is just incompatible with his wife in terms of goals.

 

[Magdlyn]

Could someone explain to me how this is not poly/ENM? Is it a DADT?
OP has been doing ENM for a decade and with GF for 5 years, and to me it sounds he is just incompatible with his wife in terms of goals.

As I said above, it wasn't clear if his wife knew all along he had this gf, and was fine with it, or if he just told her about it really recently, so therefore, just confessed to an affair of many years duration. I don't see where he and his wife agreed to have an open relationship. Do you?

 

[Evie]

OP, para 2, sentence 2.

 

[LaminarFlow]

As I said above, it wasn't clear if his wife knew all along he had this gf, and was fine with it, or if he just told her about it really recently, so therefore, just confessed to an affair of many years duration. I don't see where he and his wife agreed to have an open relationship. Do you?

He did at the beginning of the second paragraph.

To me it sounds he came out to wanting different things regarding lifestyle, not the lovestyle.

 

[Magdlyn]

Oh, how did I miss that? Thanks, you guys.

 

[justalostsoul]

I want to clarify that I'm not forcing my wife to remain in our marriage; she has never even mentioned the word "divorce." And I do not think she ever would.

Before my girlfriend entered the picture, my wife and I had been practicing non-monogamy for years.

Although my girlfriend initially tried polyamory for the sake of our relationship, she quickly realized that casual sex wasn't for her. I deeply appreciate this about her, as it makes me feel valued and cherished.

The level of comfort and intimacy my girlfriend shares with me, which she hasn't experienced with anyone else, is indeed special.

In contrast, my wife can derive the same physical pleasure or satisfaction from strangers, which, understandably, makes me feel more desired and special by my girlfriend. It's disheartening to feel like just another person to my wife in terms of physical intimacy.

When I married my wife and when we ventured into polyamory, I never anticipated being attracted to someone with differing ideologies. However, this experience has changed me irreversibly. I can't deny how intrigued I am by the idea of a monogamous relationship with someone like my girlfriend.

Despite my feelings, divorce isn't on my agenda. I'm committed to maintaining stability for our children, and even if I desired a fresh start, it's financially unfeasible.

I believe that much of what's been discussed oversimplifies the complexity of our situation.

 

[Evie]

I believe that much of what's been discussed oversimplifies the complexity of our situation.

Unfortunately that's the way of discussion boards and why it's always good to have a counsellor to go over the complexities with. The oversimplification is because we only have access to the information you've shared with up in your first post, which makes it sound like you're really wishing for a new life.

This is where polyamory does get complicated as serial monogamy would be the simplest solution...go homesteading with your gf.

But your commitment to polyamory means you will largely have your primary residence to manage as a priority for the foreseeable future.

However, can you see a compromise in any way? A co-op somewhere that you and your gf could invest in together where you get a slice of land to manage and even build on?

 

[Tinwen]

I believe that much of what's been discussed oversimplifies the complexity of our situation.

Yes, this forum sometimes acts as an amplifier to a specific sentiment neglecting others. Sometimes competing points of view are voiced, which is where complexity emerges.
If you're not done with the forum, maybe you'd like to give us more info on what we have missed?

 

[Evie]

I hear that you don't feel special in your relationship with your wife anymore because she is able to have satisfying sexual intimacy with anyone she is seeing.

Have you talked with her about this? What does she feel is special between you two?

 

[MeeraReed]

MeeraReed said:
To me, the fact that you have lost all interest in your wife sexually is an indication that you are not very poly by orientation.

People can be poly and love people we don't have sex with. Asexual people are drawn to poly for this reason.

But the OP is not asexual; he is very sexual with his girlfriend.

His original post did not provide any reason why he his connection with his wife had declined, other than that he thinks his girlfriend is awesome. His later post adds a lot of context: that his wife is more casual in her approach to non-monogamy, which makes him feel like his sexual connection with her is not special.


MeeraReed said:
I am skeptical that your relationship with your girlfriend is as special as you think it is. She sounds like someone who needs a lot of emotional intimacy to be sexual with a partner and would therefore not be interested in casual sex. She is probably monogamous at heart.

Are you suggesting that all poly people are interested in casual sex and those who aren't are not poly? Or those who don't want casual sex are innately monogamous?

No, not at all. The OP thinks that his girlfriend's lack of interest in casual sex makes her connection to him special and meaningful. I was trying to point out that some people are just wired to enjoy casual sex and some people aren't, and it has nothing to do with him. His girlfriend sounds like she might be monogamous at heart because she has no interest in being with anyone other than him. The OP thinks it means their connection is special, but I think it just means she's monogamous.

OP, I don't mean that your relationship with your girlfriend isn't special; I just mean that its specialness has nothing to do with whether she dislikes casual sex and/or is monogamous. Those things sound like they might be part of her orientation, i.e., her inherent nature, regardless of who she is dating. Whoever she dates, she'd prefer monogamy, right? And whoever she dates, casual sex isn't her thing, right? She wasn't someone who previously enjoyed casual sex or was happily poly, then met OP and changed, right?

OP, I am pointing this out because you cite these things (her dislike of casual sex and desire to be only with you) as main reasons why you are happier with her girlfriend than with your wife, but those things don't actually have anything to do with you, EXCEPT for what they tell you about yourself. Are YOU happier having a partner who doesn't want to date others? Do YOU feel more connected to someone when they don't want casual sex with others?

Now that you have added important context--that your wife has casual partners and you aren't particularly okay with it--that is a BIG piece of context missing in your original post. But if you love your wife and want to stay with her, I strongly encourage you to view these things (casual sex and polyamory/ENM) as more like orientations, like someone's sexuality, something inherent to how they experience love and sex, and NOT as value judgments about each woman's connection to you.

Wife and Girlfriend both love you. Wife is a person who enjoys casual sex and thrives in non-monogamy. Girlfriend is someone who dislikes casual sex and thrives in monogamous love. Neither woman's preferences have anything to do with their love for you.

What do YOU want and how do YOU thrive? Do you prefer monogamous love? Do you prefer a partner who does NOT have casual sex? Or can you accept your wife as who she is and work on rebuilding your connection to her, without thinking that your connection to your girlfriend is MORE special than your marriage?

Polyamory is flexible enough to accommodate relationships between people who have different preferences--to an extent. Maybe Spouse A has only one other partner, but Spouse B dates many others both seriously and casually, and that works for both of them because they are each different people with different needs & preferences.

But if someone is fundamentally monogamous, they usually aren't going to be very happy doing ENM or poly.

Question: Was your wife deliberately trying to keep her other relationships casual in order to prioritize your marriage? Was she thinking you both were doing ENM, but not poly, not falling in serious love with another partner?

 

[Bobbi]

MeeraReed said:
To me, the fact that you have lost all interest in your wife sexually is an indication that you are not very poly by orientation.


But the OP is not asexual; he is very sexual with his girlfriend.

His original post did not provide any reason why he his connection with his wife had declined, other than that he thinks his girlfriend is awesome. His later post adds a lot of context: that his wife is more casual in her approach to non-monogamy, which makes him feel like his sexual connection with her is not special.


MeeraReed said:
I am skeptical that your relationship with your girlfriend is as special as you think it is. She sounds like someone who needs a lot of emotional intimacy to be sexual with a partner and would therefore not be interested in casual sex. She is probably monogamous at heart.

No, not at all. The OP thinks that his girlfriend's lack of interest in casual sex makes her connection to him special and meaningful. I was trying to point out that some people are just wired to enjoy casual sex and some people aren't, and it has nothing to do with him. His girlfriend sounds like she might be monogamous at heart because she has no interest in being with anyone other than him. The OP thinks it means their connection is special, but I think it just means she's monogamous.

OP, I don't mean that your relationship with your girlfriend isn't special; I just mean that its specialness has nothing to do with whether she dislikes casual sex and/or is monogamous. Those things sound like they might be part of her orientation, i.e., her inherent nature, regardless of who she is dating. Whoever she dates, she'd prefer monogamy, right? And whoever she dates, casual sex isn't her thing, right? She wasn't someone who previously enjoyed casual sex or was happily poly, then met OP and changed, right?

OP, I am pointing this out because you cite these things (her dislike of casual sex and desire to be only with you) as main reasons why you are happier with her girlfriend than with your wife, but those things don't actually have anything to do with you, EXCEPT for what they tell you about yourself. Are YOU happier having a partner who doesn't want to date others? Do YOU feel more connected to someone when they don't want casual sex with others?

Now that you have added important context--that your wife has casual partners and you aren't particularly okay with it--that is a BIG piece of context missing in your original post. But if you love your wife and want to stay with her, I strongly encourage you to view these things (casual sex and polyamory/ENM) as more like orientations, like someone's sexuality, something inherent to how they experience love and sex, and NOT as value judgments about each woman's connection to you.

Wife and Girlfriend both love you. Wife is a person who enjoys casual sex and thrives in non-monogamy. Girlfriend is someone who dislikes casual sex and thrives in monogamous love. Neither woman's preferences have anything to do with their love for you.

What do YOU want and how do YOU thrive? Do you prefer monogamous love? Do you prefer a partner who does NOT have casual sex? Or can you accept your wife as who she is and work on rebuilding your connection to her, without thinking that your connection to your girlfriend is MORE special than your marriage?

Polyamory is flexible enough to accommodate relationships between people who have different preferences--to an extent. Maybe Spouse A has only one other partner, but Spouse B dates many others both seriously and casually, and that works for both of them because they are each different people with different needs & preferences.

But if someone is fundamentally monogamous, they usually aren't going to be very happy doing ENM or poly.

Question: Was your wife deliberately trying to keep her other relationships casual in order to prioritize your marriage? Was she thinking you both were doing ENM, but not poly, not falling in serious love with another partner?

Great clarification and great points!