I am new and I’ve been seeking advice

Rosettah

New member
So for starters…I’ve been through ALOT and I mean since I was 6 my family and I have been constantly going homeless. Jumping from state to state and stranger to stranger. Now for 5 years they’re ok, I am the main one struggling now. my mom started going crazy and it’s just a lot. It’s a whole different story but that is why and how I got here.

I joined this friend group online and the girl introduced me to everyone and I liked everyone’s energy. Months passed I would say 3–5 months and I got closer and closer to this one guy (don’t get me wrong every single one of my friends has a special relationship with me like him).

When I found out he had a girl which was early on I was upset but accepted it Instantly. So after those 3-5 months we got closer, always FaceTimed, always played the game with each other or friends , and etc etc. he started buying me things and caring more. Opening up me which surprised me.

I moved to his area including where the whole friend group lives as well (more than 6+ of them) and I just been a bit off about the situation. I had no choice but to move bc of my mom. He has always bought me things, talks to me as if I’m his gf, treats me very well, and he’s just a really really nice guy who is sensitive just as me. He even acts the same way to his current partner. We communicate well but I have been holding this back. I never told him because it has never changed and I told him this before. So why say it again if he’s going to say to me “he should be the one worried about who gets hurt not me”.

But again…it seems like it’s just a way to keep me going with this bc that’s what HE wants. I am a very sensitive, considerate, and caring person. I can’t stand seeing others hurt or the thought of doing it. I have been through too much and taught/raised to well to let this continue. The fact that I let this start hurts even more. It started by him listening to my problems too and I didn’t realize how we were till a month after.

When I was little I promised myself so many oaths on what not to do. This is one of those things. I hate hiding secrets from others especially one like this. I don’t like interfering with other’s relationships. Out of every one in my family, I am the main person people come to for advice because that’s how wise I am when it comes to love. Here I am being the opposite.

He’s been with her for more than 2 years. Which pushed me away even more. I instantly thought “you should’ve BEEN told her” when he said how long they’ve been together (and I asked, he never told me till I asked). He is even willing to break up if she doesn’t accept him. I don’t like that. I went to hang out with them and it was fun honestly. I enjoyed it. I am pansexual too and I accept all types of love.

But today I..for some reason agreed to go on a trip with him and him only. Im having second thoughts because I don’t want anyone thinking I am an evil person or have no heart. She isn’t going too. deep down no one knows how overthinking I am and my mind kills me literally. I don’t know what to do. I was going to, you know, go, to talk about it but the feeling in my stomach is so strong I feel like crying but I am an adult and I let my shyness do this. Instead of me being brave I tucked away. It’s so hard for me to speak up when things like this happen.

When I came into town he had to pick me up and on the same day he started holding my hand, kissing it and he kissed me. I didn’t expect that and I was nervous so I let it happen. I’m a very shy person and when stuff like this happens I don’t know what to do. I freeze. When he left out to go to the store I slouched down into the seat and cried. I didn’t want that to happen. I was going to shut it down. Yeah you can be kind and caring but minus the affectionate love and touching.

I’m scared. Scared for her and him. I just want to be happy and this is not what I meant. It’s more like cheating and I hate cheaters. I don’t want him to become that. He’s been through a lot with girls but again… we both been through a lot to know a lot from right and wrong. I think he should tell her. We should be just friends which he say we are but it’s getting more like friends with benefits. I say that because he wants to do intimate things with me and he said he loves me. And he just called….
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
Could you please be willing to add paragraph breaks? That might help people read.

It sounds like you told him "No, thanks" once you learned he already had a GF.

He's trying to lure you into dating him and offered to dump his GF. They aren't in a poly model or open model. He wants to suck you into being his cheating affair partner and bit by bit he's taking liberties and you are too shy/stunned/shocked by the behaviors to stop it.

You seem to know this is not a good situation.

And you want to still call him friend, but what he's doing is starting to get creepy.

Do not be ANYWHERE alone with him, esp if he doesn't respect your "No."


Stop hanging out with him. Cancel the trip plans to go away alone with him.

And if need be, tell him to stop in front of the friend group. "Dude, I already told you no. Stop trying to hit on me."

When I came into town he had to pick me up and on the same day he started holding my hand, kissing it and he kissed me. I didn’t expect that and I was nervous so I let it happen. I’m a very shy person and when stuff like this happens I don’t know what to do. I freeze. When he left out to go to the store I slouched down into the seat and cried. I didn’t want that to happen.

To me it sounds like he's taking advantage of you being "too nice" and new in town.

He started touching you/kissing you without asking for consent and it was unwanted touching. You do not feel safe with him.

I think he should tell her. We should be just friends which he say we are but it’s getting more like friends with benefits. I say that because he wants to do intimate things with me and he said he loves me. And he just called….

I think you could block his number.

And then tell his GF (who seems to be your friend) that you blocked him because he keeps hitting on you even though you only want be friends. It is making you very uncomfortable when he tries to touch or kiss you in ways you don't want. And you think she should know he does this to people behind her back.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Rosettah,

You seem to be torn as to what your feelings are for this guy, on one level you have feelings for him and would theoretically like to be his girlfriend, but on the other hand you do not feel that it is right to pursue that when he already has a girlfriend. And in the meantime, he is taking advantage of your torn/tender feelings, and advancing his friendship with you to something more physical, and you don't feel right about that. You are going on a trip with him (his girlfriend isn't going), and you are thinking maybe you could reveal your feelings for him while you are on that trip, but at the same time you feel like it would be cheating to get more involved with him. Maybe it would be different if his girlfriend was polyamorous and consented to him having a second girlfriend, but it sounds like she is monogamous, and doesn't know that he is pursuing you.

How would you like things to turn out?
Regards and sympathy,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
This was a long complicated post, and you don't mention the word polyamory or even open relationship once. Is this guy supposed to be monogamous with his gf? Or do they indeed have an open relationship, but you don't like that idea, because even if they have agreed to it, you feel it's too much like "cheating" for your comfort? Please clarify this bit.

If this couple is not polyamorous, and you aren't either, this problem might be better addressed on an advice board dedicated to healing from being involved (unwillingly) in an affair.
 
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