I broke a rule, what do i do now?

tinymoongirl

New member
My partner and i have been together for nearly 3 years, and non-monogamous since the start. We live and work together and our relationship has been wonderful.
We have a couple rules set up since the beginning: open and honest communication towards each other and secondary partners, our relationship is primary and priority, we dont have sex with each others friends family or common colleagues, sex we have with others is protected, and lastly: our home is our safe space, which means we only invite others when we do so together.

Last month my partner spend a month abroad. My secondary partner recently got into a monogamous relationship, and needles to say after a couple weeks i was running up the walls. Downloaded tinder for the first time in ages and decided to meet up with a guy. Turns out he didnt live in my city, so after having a drink my lizard brain decided to invite him to my/our place. My partner did know i was meeting this guy, and that we had sex, but i felt so guilty about inviting him over i didnt tell my partner it was at our place.

Ill personally be traveling for 4 months this summer, and i know i wouldnt care if he invited someone while i was abroad. We made the rule originally so we both feel safe and comfortable in our own home. But this isnt relevant as it was a rule regardless. He found a condom wrapper in the bin, and i confessed.

Needles to say, hes very disappointed and angry with me, as ive broken a rule and his trust. And more so because ive only told him after he found evidence. I feel really horrible for what i did, the guy definitely wasn't worth it.

How do i go about this now? I want to regain his trust. I feel so stupid, he means the world to me. Please help
 
It sounds like you don't see a need for a hard and fast, "No other lovers in our house" rule. It seemed natural to host someone when your partner was away. And you'd be fine if he has people over when you are going to be gone for four months. Maybe it's just your partner who wants to keep the home "sacred" in this way. I have to say, if the house is empty, it seems natural to me too, to have others over.

I am assuming you are female and your partner is male? He doesn't want the image of another guy's penis waving around in his house? Correct me if I'm wrong.

You could work on the idea that if you change the sheets (or put down a sheet or towels on a couch, etc., if sex happens there) before he comes home, that could be reasonable. Many men struggle with sharing their female partner with another guy. This might be a vestige of that.

It's possible to be poly and make mistakes if one of our "rules" doesn't seem to make sense to us. Be honest with him that this rule no longer makes sense to you, especially since you both seem to take these long trips away, anyway! I really don't get why it's OK to have other partners over for group sex, but one-on-one sex is not OK.
 
Thanks for the response! He is indeed male and i female. I dont think that the 'another guy waving his penis in my house' is really the problem. We haven't been away this long before, and the rule was initially so both of us can always feel at home. For example if he was having a date over while i was out with friends, i might feel uncomfortable coming home, being unsure if his date was still there etc, and the other way around.

He says he feels violated because i broke a rule we agreed upon, and on top of that wasnt honest about it. Which: i can only agree with, it was definitely a mistake on my part and we should have talked about it before i broke it. And because ive now broken his trust; how many other things have i kept quiet? (Fyi i havent kept anything else a secret, but i understand he has difficulty believing that right now).

Also i did change the sheets, and this was more than a week before he came home. I feel like i dont mind this rule changing when we are away for longer periods, but i feel like due to me breaking it, me wanting to change it, is as if im not taking accountability for my mistake.

I think its also important to note our 'relationship is priority' agreement, because he feels like ive violated that one too by taking my own impulses/ desires before our agreements. Again, i cant argue with his logics, although i never intended harm in any way by this.

Thanks for the help!
 
Sounds like you are no longer finding this agreement keepable.

You could apologize for your lapse in judgement. You can own that you were not honest about it right away, even if you were honest about sharing sex with Dude. That it was definitely a mistake on your part and you two should have talked about you hosting someone in the home on your own rather than just breaking the agreement.

You could also ask to update the agreement. You are ok keeping normally. The rule was initially so both can always feel at home and not come home early and interrupt a date.

But there needs to be something else for "away mode" when either is away for longer periods. Because there isn't going to be "coming home early before the date is over" stuff. It is your home too.

What makes you hosting on your own different than both of you hosting people over?

Could hold off if the issue is that it is a shared bedroom. And he doesn't want metas in his bedroom without his voice in the decision. If that is the case, could make plans to move to a 2 bedroom flat. Then you each have your own room for hosting.

If he's just not wanting metas anywhere in the flat he lives in without his voice in the decision? Could move to separate flats in the same complex. Then you two can be close, but you can host when you want in your flat.

Cuz it's gonna be weird if you are on the lease and you get LESS than a "regular roomie" gets just because you date him.
Presumably a regular roommate could date and have people over and all that. Some common courtesy like a heads up and not sharing sex in common areas if roomie is around or could come home and walk in on that. But an adult roomie doesn't have to ask their other roomie if it's ok to have sex with partner in their bedroom in the flat. YKWIM?
 
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Sounds like you are no longer finding this agreement keepable.

You could apologize for your lapse in judgement. You can own that you were not honest about it right away, even if you were honest about sharing sex with Dude. That it was definitely a mistake on your part and you two should have talked about you hosting someone in the home on your own rather than just breaking the agreement.

You could also ask to update the agreement. You are ok keeping normally. The rule was initially so both can always feel at home and not come home early and interrupt a date.

But there needs to be something else for "away mode" when either is away for longer periods. Because there isn't going to be "coming home early before the date is over" stuff. It is your home too.

What makes you hosting on your own different than both of you hosting people over?

Could hold off if the issue is that it is a shared bedroom. And he doesn't want metas in his bedroom without his voice in the decision. If that is the case, could make plans to move to a 2 bedroom flat. Then you each have your own room for hosting.

If he's just not wanting metas anywhere in the flat he lives in without his voice in the decision? Could move to separate flats in the same complex. Then you two can be close, but you can host when you want in your flat.

Cuz it's gonna be weird if you are on the lease and you get LESS than a "regular roomie" gets just because you date him.
Presumably a regular roommate could date and have people over and all that. Some common courtesy like a heads up and not sharing sex in common areas if roomie is around or could come home and walk in on that. But an adult roomie doesn't have to ask their other roomie if it's ok to have sex with partner in their bedroom in the flat. YKWIM?
Thanks for the input! Ive definitely apologised and will do so again (probably many times lol). Ill talk with him concerning our home rule.

I get what youre saying, but i feel like its not the same as being roommates, because we boh made a commitment to eachother that is quite different than the commitment you make with a roomie. Our place is an open floorplan type loft, so not really seperate bedrooms. Which, i wouldnt want to change! We're both cuddlers and i love sleeping together and just in general sharing our space. Ive never had issues before in keeping this rule, and i wouldnt want to change our whole living arrangement just so i can bring metas home.

The difference when hosting people together is that thats a shared decision and experience, as our home is a shared space. I like the idea of an 'away' mode, thanks again :)
 
Hello tinymoongirl,

You may want to rethink your rule about only inviting someone to your home when you do so as a couple. That is, you could make an exception for when one of you is out of town. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Of course, one should negotiate to change a rule before breaking it (and not being honest about breaking it). So your timing is incorrect. But honestly, you should just be able to apologize to your partner, and then move on to changing the rule to something that makes sense. I am getting the impression that he isn't willing to forgive you, or that he thinks you should somehow pay for your mistake. Can he at least tell you what would constitute a fair payment in his mind?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Hello tinymoongirl,

You may want to rethink your rule about only inviting someone to your home when you do so as a couple. That is, you could make an exception for when one of you is out of town. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Of course, one should negotiate to change a rule before breaking it (and not being honest about breaking it). So your timing is incorrect. But honestly, you should just be able to apologize to your partner, and then move on to changing the rule to something that makes sense. I am getting the impression that he isn't willing to forgive you, or that he thinks you should somehow pay for your mistake. Can he at least tell you what would constitute a fair payment in his mind?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
Hi kevin!
You are right about my incorrect actions, and i do know i was wrong. I dont think he necessarily wants me to pay for it, its more like i've broken his trust and i somehow need to earn it back. But he cannot tell me how, and i dont know how either. I cannot 'make' him trust me, or feel anything for that matter. Forgivness is hard, but forgetting impossible.

Hope we get through this, its gonna be a difficult year as is, with both of us having long trips. Time will tell, but ill really try everything in my power to make up for my mistake, and we'll see i guess.
Thanks for your input and kind regards :)
 
Personally ( for what it’s worth) I wouldn’t push to change the rule because the rule isn’t the core issue it’s the fact the rule was brushed aside on whim. Making it about decriminalizing the behavior “ so it won’t happen again “ really misses the point and sort of mocks the greater point and that is the value of the agreements made in the relationship.

How safe is safe sex….will testing and condoms become more of guideline and a wish for than a hard and fast rule. How sacred is the messy peoples list ? How horny and how much alcohol would it take to cross that line ?
AND when people go down this road of personal judgment on the part of their partners or spouse lots of times they don’t specifically list and discuss every possible scenario but incidents such as this now bring that into the forefront.

I think you’d be wise instead of pushing for the safe space rule change instead wanting to keep the safe space rule to make it a “ super safe space “ now …instead of him having to worry about some of his shit going missing or whatever negative consequence he could conjure up In his head. This way you’re working to improve his comfort level vs improving your rule following ability.
 
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Hi tinymoongirl,

It seems to me that the key here is figuring out what he needs you to do in order to repair his trust. Are the two of you seeing a couple's counselor? It might help if you could. In any case, he needs to do some thinking about what he would need you to do.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It's important that you acknowledge your mistake and take responsibility for your actions. Start by apologizing to your partner and expressing your regret for breaking the rules and betraying his trust. Assure him that you understand the gravity of your mistake and that you're committed to rebuilding his trust.

It may also be helpful to have an honest conversation about your feelings and needs while he's away, and explore ways to address them without compromising your relationship boundaries. Remember that communication and honesty are key in any relationship, and prioritize your partner's well-being and emotional needs.
 
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