I can't shove my poly self back into that mono box anymore!

Lockheart82

New member
Guys, I need a little advice. I am not to old or proud to ask as right now I have no idea moving forward.

I am 39, bisexual and married to great man. Problem is he is mono and not into the poly scene. We have been together for 15 years married for 10. And two wonderful children

I came to him 8 years ago and tried to communicate that I was unhappy and wanted to open up our relationship he hated the thought and refused to even talk about it. He believes that was just a phase I went through. It certainly wasn't but due to his reaction. It made me feel extremely guilty that I was jepadezing my family. So I shoved my feelings deep inside and now we're here.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
You posted in the blog section but ask for comments.

I don't get a clear sense of what step you are at. Are you at a place were you are ready to move on? Or ready to think about moving on?
  • Emotional layer -- Sounds like you've been stuffing your feelings down for 8 years. Have you decided you want to stop doing that behavior?

  • Mental layer -- Have you made peace with the fact that families come in all shapes and styles? You living more authentically isn't jeopardizing anything. People don't stop being family just because the parents get a divorce. The marriage part ends. But the rest is still there. People adjust. The parents are still the parents, the kids are still the kids. Still probably do all the coparenting things and figure out how to get along for the kid activities and future graduations and weddings and all that. If the future deems it so? Figure out the grandparenting things when the kids have kids themselves. (What do you want to teaching the kids? If the kids grow up and need to get a divorce, what have they learned from you? Stuffing? Or how to part ways with grace and try to be decent to the ex and coparent?)

  • Physical / Practical layer -- Do you have a job? Able to support yourself living in a new space? Have you figured out what your new budget would be?

  • Social layer -- Do you have a support network of friends and family?

  • Spiritual health layer -- Does your life have purpose? Are you at peace with your life? Do you live according to your highest values/ethics?
You don't have to answer any of that here. Just things to think about.

If you told him this 8 years ago, and he's not up for poly? Are you still unhappy? If you ready to tell him it wasn't a phase?

If you have already done all your thinking in those 8 years on all your layers...

Maybe it is time to tell him you want to break up as peacefully a possible. You think he's great, but you don't want to do monogamy any more.
And prefer to be decent exes and coparents. And take a chance on doing different behavior rather than keep on stuffing things down. Take a chance at a different future rather than staying here just going through the motions and feeling boxed in.

Life isn't a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

So I encourage you to figure out what it is you want in your life. Speak your truth. First with yourself. Then have the honest conversations you need to be having with spouse.

That would be my suggestion.

Galagirl
 
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Evie

Kaitiaki
If you can't, you can't.

But it sounds like you're not going to be able to fully realize a poly life with your current husband if he still feels the same way.

You could try again, see if he's also changed his mind after the 8 years since you've planted that seed and polyamory has become a little more known in general, but it could be that he is either a completely monogamous person who also wants a completely monogamous spouse, or just so concerned about appearing to be a normal, nuclear family that he just cannot agree to an open relationship. I guess you won't know unless you bring it up again.

Either way, you'd be calling for an ending to the relationship you have now - a subtle shift if you open your marriage, a more profound one if you divorce and move to being co-parents.

Galagirl was writing as I was, and she's said it much better above. Perhaps also ask your husband if he'd be prepared to work towards being poly in the future, perhaps when the youngest child reaches x age (your decision on what would be appropriate).

Are there ways to platonically increase your social circle in the meantime, if it's more human connection that you seek?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
One of us mods would be happy to move your thread to the Relationships section, where you will get more feedback. Just say the word. :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Lockheart82,

There is such a thing as a mono/poly relationship, where (in a marriage) one spouse is polyamorous, and the other spouse is monogamous. Generally the way it works is, the poly spouse has other partners besides the mono spouse, and the mono spouse just has one partner (the poly spouse). It is not easy, it takes a lot of love, communication, and willingness to compromise, but it can be done -- in some cases. I can't tell whether that would be possible in your case. Your husband was passionately opposed to the idea eight years ago. I don't know if that has changed at all for him since then. I also don't know how intense of a need it is for you to live polyamorously, versus your need to continue to be married to this man. Maybe divorce is something in your future, I don't know. In any case you seem to be at a point in your life where you need to redefine yourself. As far as I am concerned, there is nothing wrong with that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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