I changed my mind about Poly.

[GalaGirl]

In the fight I referenced in my first post (the one where Brad basically told me to get a job) I brought up the point that I do all of the household work, to which he Brad said he’d pay for a nanny so I could work. This is not what I want and completely unfair because I haven’t been working on a career for 15 years like Brad has, and my prospects are shit. The nanny Brad would hire will probably be making more money than me.

If you chose to be a SAHM and focus on house and home, then the focus was not on career. So if you change back to career, yes. You do have to start over.

You don't sound like you want to work outside the home. You sound like you want to continue as a SAHM, but have your own acct. Would Brad pay an amount commensurate to the work you contribute to the home to your personal acct? Since he'd be paying a nanny person similar if you worked outside the home?

If I can get him to stop seeing bimbo, I can get his attention again and we can reconnect, but he seems completely shut off to the idea of giving her up.

Well, if the goal is reconnection with your spouse, don't ask him to give up this GF. Stop calling her a bimbo. You can think what you want in your head. But if you go around calling his GF a bimbo to his face, that's not going to make him want to hang out with you more.

I mean, he could dump her and just take up bowling instead and still not pay you any attention.

Could ask for what you actually want. You sound like you want time with your spouse on your own (Brad + you) dates. You sound like you want to know the marriage is not in trouble and would like some reassurance from Brad.

Is that true?

Galagirl

 

[Inaniel]

Actually I'm going to disagree with the other posters on whether Brad should be giving you money for your dates with Mike. If two spouses have an arrangement that only one spouse works, and the other's lifestyle is supported by the working spouse...including the non-working spouse's hobbies and vacations with friends...then there is no reason why that financial support shouldn't include money for dates and vacations with a boyfriend, if the couple is poly.

When a monogamous marriage transitions to poly it is a paradigm shift in lifestyle. If who you are fucking is on the negotiating table I don’t see why money couldn’t be as well. If wife can say, “I want to be able to fuck other people or it’s over” then husband can say “You need to support yourself or it’s over”. Both desires are contrary to the couple’s history and I don’t see how either person is being more or less shitty to the other one here…

Mike is not a "friend". Unless paying for wife and fuck buddy/BF to travel was previously established in the relationship (it wasn't) there is no reason Brad's position on this should be assumed for him. This is not "traveling with friends" it's different and needs to be negotiated and that seems to be happening before our very eyes... The idea that Brad should automatically fall in line and pay for something that was never negotiated in the relationship previously is just ridiculous. There is so much female entitlement in your post it just reeks..

I mean, if Brad did not want to do poly at all, it makes senses that he resented you dating someone. But, he could have said no, he's not staying in a poly relationship, or he could have divorced you. Instead he chose to go along with it while acting out immaturely by denying you the discretionary income you'd previously had in the marriage.

You could flip this around on OP too. She could say, no, I refuse to have a husband that doesn’t financially support me and divorce him. You must have a Brad in your history that left a bad impression on you. You have been very fast to jump to conclusions and judge Brad harshly.

In the fight I referenced in my first post (the one where Brad basically told me to get a job) I brought up the point that I do all of the household work, to which he Brad said he’d pay for a nanny so I could work.

This sounds like a pretty good deal.. I think most working adults would want that expense divided between the two incomes.

It is impossible to know what is going on in Brads mind. However, we are talking about a person whom was previously happy in a monogamous relationship and “reluctantly” decided to try poly. It would be silly to think such a large shift in thinking wouldn’t trickle into other aspects of the relationship, especially as he expands his perspectives through dating women, some of whom may even work and make substantial incomes. I hear Brad saying “I will pay for someone to do your previous job so you can go earn your own money”.

Brad's thought process on this is probably simple, he doesn’t want to support the dude banging his wife. He would spend more money on a nanny empowering you to work, and yet that is still more attractive than putting a dime of his own hard earned cash in Mike’s pocket… It doesn’t really make financial sense, yet I can still see where Brad is coming from. At the end of the day it’s his money and his decision.

I would take him up on the nanny offer, I don’t know much about relationships but I know a good deal when I see one.

 

[vinsanity0]

A lot of the responses aren't going to seem nice to you because people aren't cheering you on. These are things you still need to hear though.

I agree you need a rewind, but probably not for the same reasons you think you do. The two of you should never have attempted poly to begin with. Opening up a marriage doesn't work if the marriage isn't working. That only makes things worse.

You keep calling his gf a bimbo. He calls your bf a loser. That is not how mature adults act. You aren't going to accomplish anything if you just keep taking swipes at each other. The two of you need some couple's therapy.

The issue of finances can be problematic. The one who brings home the most money is the one who thinks they should be able to control everything. This just points to yet another problem with the marriage. He most likely never saw you as an equal partner.

I agree with MeeraReed that the two of you should have had an agreement about how much of the shared money is yours to spend. Then it doesn't matter if it's for your bf or a new car for yourself or whatever. Again, the problem is you guys didn't think anything through before you started. That fault lies with you both.

But...do you really want to hook up with a guy that asks you for money all the time, just for sex?

Now things are a mess. The only thing that is going to fix it is some honest communication, probably with a third party who can guide you through it, since neither of you seems to know how to do that.

Or maybe it's time to go your separate ways...except you have never had an exit strategy, just in case. Everybody should have an exit strategy. Nobody should leave themselves in the position you are in.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Elie,

I am hearing you say, that you believe, that if you and Brad could both go back to being monogamous, then you could convince Brad to love you again like he did in the beginning. To that end, you seem to be willing to break up with Mike, but Brad does not seem to be willing to break up with the young woman he is seeing. And maybe you are here on this forum hoping that someone might have an idea of how you could convince him to break up with her? Does everything I've said in this post so far line up with what you were getting at?

I don't know whether it's possible to convince him, but if it could be possible, I would think the way to get there would be to approach Brad openly and sincerely. Don't hit him with barbs/jabs such as that she is a bimbo or that he can't please you like Mike can. Instead, be soulfully honest with him, something like, "Brad, poly is not working out for me like I had hoped it would. I wish I could go back to monogamy with you. Can I ask, is there any way I could convince you to do that? I don't care about the money ... not really. I just wish you could love me again, like you used to."

Even if he says no, he might start thinking about it.

Keep in mind though: If you do manage to go back to monogamy with him, you will be hurting two innocent people, Mike and the young woman Brad is now seeing. Nobody is asking them whether they want to break up with either of you. That's the part of poly that is like trying to put a genie back into the bottle. If it can be done, it's going to get messy. People are going to get hurt. And the memory of the poly arrangement will remain, even after the practice of the poly arrangement has been set aside. I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying, keep in mind the collateral cost.

That's all I can think of for now.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

I have read through all of the replies (even though most of them weren’t very nice, I appreciate the responses). I am more concerned about my husband being seduced and falling for some young bimbo than I am about the money.

just to help make sense of thing ....How long has you relationship been open ?

How much prep did the both of you do before entering into this?

Was Brad an enthusiastic participant? Or was he reluctant and mono for a while ?

And was poly the decided structure when you opened up. Meaning “ falling in love “ ...instead of NSA/ casual sex with people ?

I think you said Brad had a difficult time in the beginning adjusting are you familiar the psychology distress of Poly Hell ? Is it possible your NRE took things too far and put some deep scars in Brad ?

Have you personally met the new young woman you keep calling a bimbo ? I’m not saying she’s not a bimbo but I’m wondering if you met and talked and came to that conclusion or you saw a naked photo and came to that conclusion?

But if you want to talk about money, Brad has decided that he doesn’t want his money paying for Mike in any way. In the fight I referenced in my first post (the one where Brad basically told me to get a job) I brought up the point that I do all of the household work, to which he Brad said he’d pay for a nanny so I could work. This is not what I want and completely unfair because I haven’t been working on a career for 15 years like Brad has, and my prospects are shit. The nanny Brad would hire will probably be making more money than me.

I used to feel like we were equals, now I feel like Brad has all the power in the relationship. He has all the money, I don’t have a damn thing to my name and my husband doesn’t give a shit about me anymore! I am clearly really upset about all of this and I just want to hit the rewind button. I don’t even know how to start unraveling this. I used to be able to flirt and be sweet and seduce my husband, but his attention so wrapped up in bimbo he does not respond to me like he used to. I’m afraid that my marriage is in trouble. If I can get him to stop seeing bimbo, I can get his attention again and we can reconnect, but he seems completely shut off to the idea of giving her up.

To me this is really funny. 2 sentences about what you’re “ really “ worried about and the next paragraph and a half talking about the money AGAIN.

”I used to be able to flirt and be sweet and seduce my husband “

Who’s the bimbo or manipulative?

When did he stop responding to your flirting and seduction. Before or after you told him Mike was a much better lover ?

I personally don’t think the bimbo is your direct problem NOR do I think the way the money Is parceled out is either. IMO it’s the relationship the 2 of you built once you decided to open.

SORRY to tell you this but the old pre open pre poly marriage is dead and gone. There is no going back. Might as well scrap that idea right now. Start working on plans C and D. People get into this because they’re a little bored or they have some mid life crisis and they thing it’s going to be a fun little experiment and hey if it doesn’t work we’ll just shut it down and go back to what we had. WRONG Are you bored now? I don’t mean you Ellie I mean people watching their marriages crash and burn.

 

[Dagferi]

Rereading the thread I noticed that the OP made no mention of giving up Mike just her husband stop seeing his gf.

You do not get to have your cake and eat it too.

You told Brad he is a horrible sex partner and expect him to financially support a grown man who puts his weed above responsibilities, and you are surprised he is pushing you away?

Plenty of women restart their lives after 15 yrs out of the workforce. Ok you better start working on how you are going to support yourself after tlyour marroage ends.