I don’t know if this is for me

Viss

New member
I’m looking for some advice from people that are currently engaged in, or have previously been involved in, polyamory relationships. My boyfriend is currently in love with myself as well as another woman. I joked about having a thrupple relationship because at the time we were watching Shameless and we were at the episode where Svetlana, Kevin and Vi started their relationship. He took me seriously and began perusing her on a more personal level. I tried to be okay with it, since I was the one that put it in his head, but the thought of them having sex physically hurts. I then retracted my statement about a thrupple relationship and he seemed fine with it, or at least I thought he was. I then received a long winded text from him explaining that he didn’t like feeling guilty for loving two people and he really wishes that I could be more open.

I don’t want to control him because I love him so much and we’ve been together for five years. I also want nothing more than to make him happy.

Does that mean that I have to sacrifice my feelings to ensure his happiness? I’ve already tried explaining where I’m coming from, but he always brings up that it was my idea first and then starts to make me guilty for changing my mind. I get that I fucked up in that sense. He’s currently over at her house playing video games and hanging out. I just don’t know how I’d feel if they actually had sex. I’m pretty sure it would completely wreck me since none of my other 20 relationships lasted more than six months.

I’m hoping that people from this website can share their experiences and hopefully provide some guidance for how polyamory relationships work. I’m 100% straight and could never have a relationship with the other woman he loves (no offence but the thought of going down on a woman grosses me out). I also find it weird that even though he’s bisexual, he would not be interested in a polyamory relationship that involves another guy. Even me mentioning sleeping with another guy if he gets to sleep with the girl pisses him off because he doesn’t want to share.

I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do. Please be friendly with the comments, I have really poor self esteem and am currently on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I usually wouldn’t share that with anyone, but I don’t think there’s anyone on this website that would recognize who I am. If you do, please don’t mention it to me in person.

Sorry about the long post and thank you for your time and thoughts regarding my personal issue.
 

3908

Member
welcome to the site, im farly new here and it seems that the regulars are really nice and helpful.

I think it would be fair that if he can have her as a friend, up to and including sex, that he should be ok with you having your own guy friend, up to and including sex.

in my case, ive been in a 10 year relationship and recently brought up the idea that I'm interested in poly, my wife is against it. she has accused me of being selfish, my response is that I'm ok with her having a boyfriend, she wants nothing to do with it and still thinks I'm being selfish for wanting a secondary. at a minimum i would love to be affectionate with other women (cuddling), even if its not a poly relationship.

other members with more experience than me will no doubt chime in to your post soon,

take care, hang in there :)
 

Viss

New member
Wow that was a really quick reply. A lot faster than I expected. I understand, and don’t understand where your wife is coming from. Like my boyfriend said, you can’t help it if you love more than one person at the same time. Which is probably why I’m struggling with this so much. I can understand not wanting to share. Then there’s also the line between cheating and polyamory. It’s hard to tell the difference since I’m so new to this. I honestly can’t imagine him cheating since his ex cheated on him, but what if I still perceive it as cheating even though it’s different.
Maybe I am just young and naive like he suggested (27 years old).
 

3908

Member
my wife sees our marriage as monogamous from a "Christian" perspective, she feels like she got bait and switched with my recent discussions of my interest in poly.

Ive actually been interested in poly for maybe 20 years, just back then i was calling the interest swinging, because i didn't know about poly. what i was thinking of back then was an environment of kitchen table poly, a primary/secondary configuration. Kitchen table poly is where everyone involved knows each other and in my case, we (the people i was interested in) would all have been friends, and hang out sometimes.

I presented my interest in poly to my wife, without hooking up with a woman first, I believe this is the ethical thing to do. Id be interested in a married woman as my secondary, i think in theory they would be more relationally stable than say, a single woman. a single woman could quite easily push me aside whenever she gets a boyfriend.
at least that's what i think in my fantasy world.

being with another person sexually is not cheating if that person has consent from their spouse. and the other person has consent from their spouse or significant other.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry this is happening. I mean this kindly ok?

You have to be able to say "I love you, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me or goes against the grain."

You don't really want to be doing open/poly from the sound of it. So don't. Keep it simpler on you.

I then retracted my statement about a thrupple relationship and he seemed fine with it, or at least I thought he was. I then received a long winded text from him explaining that he didn’t like feeling guilty for loving two people and he really wishes that I could be more open.

Well, if you were joking and there wasn't a follow up conversation to be sure you were on board and consent to do open relationships? He just took it as a green flag and ran with it to pursue the other lady? He's jumping the gun.

He can feel disappointed about the miscommunication. But he doesn't have to feel guilty about loving whoever. He can love whoever.

But the agreements in your CURRENT relationship are what? Closed?

And if you don't want to change agreements to include practicing poly or open relationship? Then best to disband. You can break up so he can go do open/poly with people who actually want to do that. And you can be free of it. Because YOU do not. And then nobody is cheating on anything.

Stand firm. There is nothing wrong with wanting monogamy.

I don’t want to control him because I love him so much and we’ve been together for five years. I also want nothing more than to make him happy.
Does that mean that I have to sacrifice my feelings to ensure his happiness?

No. You don't have to sacrifice your own feelings to ensure his happiness. Your consent to participate in things belongs to YOU. If you aren't into it, you just aren't. You don't fake it just to keep hanging on to the relationship.

You keep being honest about it even if it means the relationship no longer fits.

Sometimes the most loving thing one can do is set the other person free. Then he can be happy doing poly over THERE and you can be happy over HERE doing your thing.

Again... he can feel disappointed he cannot be in a V with you and the Other Lady. But that takes a "3 people" yes to actually happen. You are not saying yes. Because you do not want this.

You simply being honest about where you stand is not controlling him.

If he wants to move on to open relationships and you don't dig that? You two have become incompatible then. He can go do it without you.

I get that is a bummer and nobody loves a break up. But sometimes that happens. People change over time. And rather than bang heads on the wall or bend themselves into pretzels... easier to accept it. Do the last loving act and set them free.

I’ve already tried explaining where I’m coming from, but he always brings up that it was my idea first and then starts to make me guilty for changing my mind.

You are ALLOWED to change your mind. Again, your consent to participate in things belongs to you.

See consent cartoons.


Why is he bullying you to get his way? Rather than respecting your limit?

You don't have to be lovers with your BF's other lover. It is not a requirement. But that's also jumping the gun -- because you don't sound like you even want to be doing a poly V in the first place!

Maybe I am just young and naive like he suggested (27 years old).

27 is an adult. Why's he talking down to you because you are younger than him? Another way to pressure you into getting his way?

Even me mentioning sleeping with another guy if he gets to sleep with the girl pisses him off because he doesn’t want to share.

So basically he wants open relationship just for him not you?

And he is trying to bully/pressure/pester you into practicing open relationship even though you were only joking and don't really want to be doing this?

If he is doing this less than loving behavior while saying he loves you? When given mixed messages? I believe the actions over the talk.

I suggest you continue being honest and tell him something like

"Look, I'm being honest with you. I am not going to stop you from dating her. I do not control you choices or your behavior.

I control my own choices and my behavior. *I* don't want to do open relationships. So I need to bow out. Then you are free to pursue the poly things you want do, and I can be free from poly stuff I do not want to do."

Then break up and move on to healing place.

I'm sorry this is happening.

Galagirl
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Does that mean that I have to sacrifice my feelings to ensure his happiness? I’ve already tried explaining where I’m coming from, but he always brings up that it was my idea first and then starts to make me guilty for changing my mind. I get that I fucked up in that sense.
You didn't fuck up anything. You changed your mind.

Healthy thinking people change their minds with new information and stand by their newly arrived upon decision. Unhealthy thinking people change their minds, but attempt to sacrifice their values for the happiness of others. This second option never works - as you see illustrated in the Shameless show. How long did that throuple last? About three months, as I recall. Two of them came to realize it wasn't for them, but tried to appease the third. Things then quickly fell apart. It never works to betray your own values (disguised as sacrifice in many relationships) for another's happiness (which is never actual happiness when it comes at the expense of a partner's peace of mind.) Trying to make someone else happy by compromising yourself is a recipe for anxiety. The key to harmony in relationships is to know who you are, honor what you want and only then to orbit up with other(s) who share what you value about yourself and about life.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I’m looking for some advice from people that are currently engaged in, or have previously been involved in, polyamory relationships. My boyfriend is currently in love with myself as well as another woman. I joked about having a thrupple relationship because at the time we were watching Shameless and we were at the episode where Svetlana, Kevin and Vi started their relationship. He took me seriously and began perusing her on a more personal level. I tried to be okay with it, since I was the one that put it in his head, but the thought of them having sex physically hurts. I then retracted my statement about a thrupple relationship and he seemed fine with it, or at least I thought he was. I then received a long winded text from him explaining that he didn’t like feeling guilty for loving two people and he really wishes that I could be more open.
Some terms: some people call a relationship of three people, where they are all romantically or sexually involved, a "throuple." I dislike this term, since it has a background of a monogamous term, "couple." A better term, in my opinion, is triad. It also doesn't sound goofy.

Since you're not bi, you would not be in a triad. You would be in a "V," and your bf would be the "hinge." If you got another bf as well, you would be the hinge of a V, with 2 men as the legs of the V.
I don’t want to control him because I love him so much. we’ve been together for five years. I also want nothing more than to make him happy.

Does that mean that I have to sacrifice my feelings to ensure his happiness? I’ve already tried explaining where I’m coming from, but he always brings up that it was my idea first and then starts to make me guilty for changing my mind. I get that I fucked up in that sense.
As you said, you joked about being in a throuple. You were basically just imagining it, or fantasizing about it. Jumping to actually acting upon it for real is a whole other thing! (I am speaking from experience.) So, your bf kind of "blaming" you for bringing it up is being a bit unfair.

But here you are. He's in another relationship.
He’s currently over at her house playing video games and hanging out. I just don’t know how I’d feel if they actually had sex. I’m pretty sure it would completely wreck me since none of my other 20 relationships lasted more than six months.
I'm not sure what the length of other relationships has to do with it. But going from monosexual/monoromantic to polyamorous or polysexual is indeed, a huge change. Our entire culture is based on monogamy. It is seen as the ideal, and the only ethical adult choice. Of course, people cheat, split up, divorce, flirt, use porn, read erotica, and live out other relationship shapes by watching TV and movies. I do not believe humans (or any other animals) are hard-wired to be monogamous. It's an economic cultural choice that human society made just a few thousand years ago. We've been poly, in our history as a species, all along.
I’m hoping that people from this website can share their experiences and hopefully provide some guidance for how polyamory relationships work. I’m 100% straight and could never have a relationship with the other woman he loves (no offence but the thought of going down on a woman grosses me out). I also find it weird that even though he’s bisexual, he would not be interested in a polyamory relationship that involves another guy. Even me mentioning sleeping with another guy if he gets to sleep with the girl pisses him off because he doesn’t want to share.

This is another part of our patriarchal culture. In our historical writings, you can see that in much of human culture, men own women. Men can have multiple spouses and concubines, but women are only supposed to have sex with one male. Mongamy was just for women. However, the modern polyamory movement is based on feminism, and female autonomy, not on male dominance. Therefore, modern polyamory is egalitarian. Both genders (all genders) are in charge of their own bodies and choices. No one can tell you who you can or can't have sex with or be in a relationship with.

This idea of your bf's is called a "one penis policy," OPP. Many men are fine with their bi gfs having sex with other women, but not other men. It is seen as emasculating for a man to "share HIS woman." This is a raw deal even for bi women of course. You get to choose who you want to be with, even if you're bi or pansexual. No one gets to make that choice for you.
I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do. Please be friendly with the comments, I have really poor self esteem and am currently on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I usually wouldn’t share that with anyone, but I don’t think there’s anyone on this website that would recognize who I am. If you do, please don’t mention it to me in person.

Sorry about the long post and thank you for your time and thoughts regarding my personal issue.
Try reading the book Opening Up. It's great for formerly mono couples who are attempting to open their relationships and add more partners, whether by swinging, "hot-wifing," cuckolding, or full on polyamory. There are so many common pitfalls we all go through.
 

Arc

Member
I'm new to all this too, and in your position in that my wife recently "discovered" Poly. So first of all, I think I can empathize with a lot of what you're going through. It is really a whirlwind, and very confusing.

All that said, I don't think you did anything wrong. I'm not even that clear how serious you were about the suggestion of a thrupple. It sounds like it was a joke rather than a suggestion, so you didn't really even agree to the idea in the first place.
Even me mentioning sleeping with another guy if he gets to sleep with the girl pisses him off because he doesn’t want to share.
Okay, first of all, this is double standard and doesn't make sense. Why should you have to 'share' but not him?

Second, just a question - would you be more open to the idea of opening up the relationship if he were okay with you sleeping with another guy? In other words, does Poly interest you for your own sake?
I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do. Please be friendly with the comments, I have really poor self esteem and am currently on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I usually wouldn’t share that with anyone, but I don’t think there’s anyone on this website that would recognize who I am. If you do, please don’t mention it to me in person.

Sorry about the long post and thank you for your time and thoughts regarding my personal issue.
Please don't let yourself get pushed into something that you are not comfortable with. I'm not very experienced in these things, but for me, the double standard he is proposing (he gets to see other girls but you don't get the same freedom) is a big red flag that this is not going to be a reciprocal arrangement, and that he thinks he can set all the rules.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Viss,

It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is going to be happy until he gets to have a second girlfriend while you still have to be mono with him. In order to make that happen, you would have to sacrifice your feelings to ensure his happiness. In which case, the question is, whose happiness is more important: yours or his? and whose happiness are *you* going to prioritize? Putting his happiness first is very noble and generous, while putting your own happiness first is perhaps the wise thing to do. The one thing I'm sure of, is, that you can't both of you be happy at the same time. Somebody's happiness will have to be sacrificed.

If he is getting involved with the other woman without your consent, then yes he is cheating, cheating out in the open. And I don't think he has your consent. You said something to him jokingly, and he took that seriously. That does not count as you giving consent. It counts as a miscommunication, or rather, he misheard/misread you. That was his fuckup, not yours. Does he not know that by now? Have you told him that you were joking? If not, you might want to tell him that now. He doesn't get to force you to give your consent. It doesn't work like that.

From your description, it sounds like him having sex with the other woman would be a deal breaker for you. Like you would break up with him if he did that. On the other hand, maybe you actually fear that if he had sex with the other woman, then *he* would turn around and break up with *you* ... like he would probably think sex with her was better than sex with you, hence he would want to dump you? Is that the scenario you envision?

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
If your boyfriend doesn't want to "share" you but thinks he should be able to have two girlfriends himself, he is NOT ready for poly.

Why does he think you should be okay with "sharing" him with another woman, if he doesn't want you to date others?

It is okay to tell him that this is not acceptable and you do not want to be in a polyamorous relationship with him. (It would be up to him whether he wants to stay with you monogamous, or to leave; but you don't have to keep participating in poly you don't want).

It's not your fault just because you made a joke about forming a throuple. I'm guessing you made the joke because your boyfriend already seemed to have a crush on his female friend? So then he decided to just run with that, without talking about it further, or admitting that being poly is HIS idea, not yours?
 
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