I don’t know what to do..

Jeanny89

New member
I’ve been in a poly-mono relationship with my kids dad for 3yrs,me being mono.I now want to be in a polyamory relationship.When he’s spending time with other women I feel lonely and want to have someone here when he is gone.I’ve made a few comments about having 2 men which leds into convos of us breaking up.I want to be with him but I also don’t want to feel lonely and by myself when he is gone with other women.HELP
 
I’ve been in a poly-mono relationship with my kids dad for 3yrs,me being mono.I now want to be in a polyamory relationship.When he’s spending time with other women I feel lonely and want to have someone here when he is gone

I would avoid looking at future potential partners or hookups as a placeholder for the person that you really love. It's not a healthy way to view other people, and you will likely find that anyone who is interested in being used as a placeholder will likely not want to do so for very long.

Also, before you start bringing other people into this situation, I hope that you will take a moment to reflect on your actual motivations for doing so. Some people find themselves in a situation like this and use "well, I'm going to just date someone else then" as a weapon to get their partner to change their behavior. Again, this is not a good way to treat people, and you will be well advised to make sure that you understand your own motivation.

I get that you were being brief, and it's likely that this is not what you intended to get across, but I want to encourage you to evaluate how you view these potential new people.

I’ve made a few comments about having 2 men which leds into convos of us breaking up.I want to be with him but I also don’t want to feel lonely and by myself when he is gone with other women.HELP

If I am understanding this correctly, you're in the classic "do as I say and not as I do" scenario, affectionately known as an OPP. He can date, but he has become accustomed to you being at home and NOT dating, so he wants you to just deal with it.

This type of relationship is a resentment factory. I would encourage you to, instead of asking for permission, start making statements about what you intend to do. You sound like you are following rules in a child/parent relationship, and where I hope you will find yourself is in an adult/adult relationship.

You live your life, and he lives his life, and the relationship exists in the overlap.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.


When he’s spending time with other women I feel lonely and want to have someone here when he is gone.

You don't have friends or family to hang out with?

I’ve made a few comments about having 2 men which leds into convos of us breaking up.

Because he wants the double standard and you want to poly? Poly dating is for him but not you? Maybe it is ok to break up because he wants a double standard and you don't want that.

If the main issue is the double standard? You could end it with husband and go find two men to polydate who are find being in a poly V and sharing your time and attention.

I want to be with him but I also don’t want to feel lonely and by myself when he is gone with other women.HELP

Well... do you actually want to poly date and have relationships with two men? Just having a new BF... how does that solve the problems you are currently having with husband?

Cuz it sounds like you want some time and attention from husband but he's off dating other people all the time. Does he bother to date you any more? Or are you the partner to deal with the house and kids?

Or do you actually want monogamy and coming to realize this husband is not going to be the one to give you that because he wants something else?

I think you could do your soul searching and get clear on what it is you want first.

"Relationship broken, add more people" doesn't usually work. I would imagine a new BF doesn't want to be your "relationship bandaid." YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
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Hello Jeanny89,

It is a totally unfair double standard for him to say that he can see other people, but you can't. But, it seems he's determined to make you adhere to that standard, even if he has to break up with you to make you do it. That doesn't speak well of how he must feel about you, he doesn't care that you sit at home feeling lonely and by yourself. In his eyes, your suffering is an acceptable price to pay so he can go off and have his fun. I don't mean to speak poorly of him as a person, you love him a lot and I'm certain there's reasons why, I'm guessing you're compatible in about a million ways, it's just this one little area where the two of you disagree. Only it's not a little area. It's huge. He can be a good person who does bad things, and that's what seems to be happening. I don't know what the answer is, but I know things can't continue like this.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
I’ve been in a poly-mono relationship with my kids dad for 3yrs,me being mono.I now want to be in a polyamory relationship

how long we’re you in the relationship before opening/ being poly ?

what were the circumstances that attracted you or your partner to poly or being open ?

AND why did you elect to remain mono?
When he’s spending time with other women I feel lonely and want to have someone here when he is gone.I’ve made a few comments about having 2 men which leds into convos of us breaking up.I want to be with him but I also don’t want to feel lonely and by myself when he is gone with other women.HELP

How much prep did you both do before opening the relationship? Any reading or discussion on disentangling? OPP’s .....poly hell where one spouse is off fucking around ( literally ) while the other is home taking care of the kids. There’s always a race to have that job.

I wouldn’t make comments I’d just start actively planning it. Time to put on his big boy pants.
 
OPP means one penis policy, by the way. If you don't WANT to date other men, this is fine. If you have decided you DO want to date other men, you just do it. Your hypocritical husband can deal with it.

It's difficult to have 2 polyamorous parents when children are young and need care around the clock. But it's not fair that you're always home with the kids while he's out dating. When does he stay home with the kids so you can go out and do whatever you want to do? If you really want to date other men, that's your choice. Modern polyamory is feminist-based. The whole point of it is that women can love, date, and have sex with more than one man, if she wants. Let's face it, a man having more than one female sexual partner has always been more acceptable than a woman having more than one man. This is a patriarchal concept.

We live in a patriarchy. Our world is pretty much run by (white straight) men. Women are making inroads, but we have a long way to go. One thing we can do is, when we practice polyamory, make sure each partner, no matter their own gender, can date the gender of their choice. And this goes for bisexual women too. Many men would rather their wives date other women than other men. Their idea of FF sex is "hot." Their idea of their wife with another guy is, "He's encroaching on my territory, my possession, my woman." Men think they own women because, until very recently, they legally did own their wives!!

So. Get woke. Stop acting like a possession. Until about 100 years ago, a woman was owned by her father. Then she went directly to being owned by her husband. If her husband died, she was again owned by her father, or even by her brother or her own son, depending on who was alive. 100 years ago, women couldn't vote.

We have a say now, so don't be silent.

One more thing: If you're lonely when your husband is out on dates, you can spend time with friends and (adult) family. It doesn't have to mean you need another man. But if you really do feel like you'd enjoy dating other men, by all means, do it.

Your husband should be watching the kids just as often as you do, so you can go out and do whatever you want, even if it's just to the gym, or shopping, or pursuing any other hobby or interest. (Moms can forget they have interests... We spend so much time meeting others' needs.) It could be going on a date with a prospective romantic partner, but it could be anything else that you enjoy. The point is, you both get equal time to go enjoy yourselves.
 
This is how I interpreted your post: You want another man at home with you and your kids while hubby is on dates... Is that right?

Is the issue really the opp? or is it the scenario that you are pitching? Is there even an opp in place? It is unclear to me.

Could the other specifics of the proposal be the problem? Like, if you both have agreed to keep poly away from the kids, and your husband has been doing so; perhaps he is not comfortable with you watching the kids while simultaneously on a pseudo date...

Can you negotiate childcare so you can be away while on dates? Would your husband be more comfortable with that?
 
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