I don't want to be poly under these circumstances
- Thread starter Wife
- Start date
Tangents are good with chocolate syrup.
No, wait, that's ice cream.
Sorry. Back on topic, though, unfortunately it's all too easy to find oneself in a situation where someone else wanders in and tries to break up an existing relationship. Even more unfortunately, sometimes that "someone else" is the other person *in* the relationship.
Falling in love with a partner is never justification to push that relationship on an existing partner, and it definitely doesn't make it okay to try to make the existing partner *part* of the new relationship. Polyamory doesn't necessarily mean "everyone's involved with everyone else."
Hopefully Wife's husband will understand and accept that. Even if he wants Wife to be involved with his girlfriend, if Wife doesn't want that, it doesn't happen. Free will and all that.
No, wait, that's ice cream.
Sorry. Back on topic, though, unfortunately it's all too easy to find oneself in a situation where someone else wanders in and tries to break up an existing relationship. Even more unfortunately, sometimes that "someone else" is the other person *in* the relationship.
Falling in love with a partner is never justification to push that relationship on an existing partner, and it definitely doesn't make it okay to try to make the existing partner *part* of the new relationship. Polyamory doesn't necessarily mean "everyone's involved with everyone else."
Hopefully Wife's husband will understand and accept that. Even if he wants Wife to be involved with his girlfriend, if Wife doesn't want that, it doesn't happen. Free will and all that.
SchrodingersCat
Active member
Not necessarily. People grow apart sometimes. It's normal. Not every relationship is forever. Sometimes one person grows apart all by themselves without informing the other of all the internal changes. It sounds like that's what happens here.
"If" it's just not working? Seriously, at what point is he going to accept that IT IS NOT WORKING??!@?
There's some good material in Sex at Dawn that addresses the biological drive for variety, and the mid-life crisis driving men to seek shiny new things. But the economic cost of maintaining a harem is high, so when the things aren't new and shiny anymore, they often lose interest. All of this while maintaining the economic stability of the long term partner waiting patiently in the wings. Only evolutionarily, the life mate wouldn't be sitting around crying her tears, she'd be off with her own shiny new things, collecting her own variety of genetic material to battle out in the sperm war trenches...
Ask him this: "What have you done (today, this week, this month, since this started) to treat me like a Queen? You can SAY it all you want, but SHOW it with actions. How does telling me not to say I love you equate with treating me like royalty? How does telling me to put my own needs away and focus on hers show me that you respect me?"
He really really really REALLY needs to learn that you're not so much worried about "losing" him as you are pissed off that he's treating you like shit.
You're not worried about what might happen with him and her. You're bothered about what is happening, right now, with him and you. Period.
I think you just want to not be treated like shit. And he's not willing to see that he's treating you like shit. He doesn't get that this isn't about her, it's about you and him. Whether or not she's there, your marriage is crap right now. You both know it, but he's using her as a scapegoat to avoid dealing with it. "The problem isn't our marriage, you just can't handle my girlfriend." No, the problem is your marriage. The girlfriend is just the microscope that made it obvious.
Yeah. He's an idiot. Really, that's all there is to it. He can't express his feelings, he doesn't understand yours, and he's not willing to take the steps necessary to understand these things.
Exactly. I always use the house analogy. Building a second story addition when your house's foundation is crumbling? No. First you fix the foundation. Then you might realize, now that your basement isn't leaking, you can finish the rooms down there, and maybe you realize you have more than enough space already, you don't need an addition. But if you fix the foundation, finish the basement, and you still find you have money left for the second story addition? Then go to town. But fix what you have first.
Well, our anniversary has come and gone. He took me out and promised to have a heart to heart. And we did. I poured my heart and soul into that conversation. I sobbed like an idiot, tried to explain everything I could to him. He held me for a little while. No words exchanged, just a few moments of uninterrupted coupledom. He seemed to start feeling some remorse, kissing my forehead... and for a just a little while, I felt hope for us. Then she called him. He ignored the call. Holy shit, real progress. Then he got a text. He excused himself from our table and left me there for over 20 minutes alone. I was so hurt. I couldn't do anything but cry. He came back apologizing and said it was hospice. His mother wasn't doing well. He was upset that I was crying, said I didn't give him a chance to explain first. So I cleared my throat, wiped my tears, and he came over to hold me again. He ignored another call from her once we got home. I think he really understands now. Then I got up and had a sick feeling. I couldn't shake it. So I looked at his phone again. Why don't I ever learn. He left the restaurant because she ran out of gas down the street from where we were eating. He left me. To say the least, I'm enraged. I'm devastated. So sick to my stomach. That's it for me. I can't do it anymore. I can't seem to do anything but sob. I don't have any tears left. This weekend is father's day, and all I want to do is pack up my babies and leave. I'm so hurt, confused, and scared to death.
playfulgirl
Member
Wife I'm so very sorry things are so awful. I know when real and I got together it very much strained real and lady's marriage and they had some times where they weren't sure they would stay together. They worked it out between them. Lady and I worked things out between us. And I had to work out with real how I fit in the picture.
Luckily I already had some skills developed about being the non nesting partner. I don't know if it's helpful to you or not but if you would like to pm someone who's been in the girlfriend role feel free.
I'm sorry your date got screwed. I think it's beyond crappy you were abandoned and I kinda want to lecture the girlfriend about boundaries and your husband about lying. That's just wrong.
Luckily I already had some skills developed about being the non nesting partner. I don't know if it's helpful to you or not but if you would like to pm someone who's been in the girlfriend role feel free.
I'm sorry your date got screwed. I think it's beyond crappy you were abandoned and I kinda want to lecture the girlfriend about boundaries and your husband about lying. That's just wrong.
I am so sorry for you, lying about it was the worst. I wonder if the GF wants you out of the picture and isn't poly. In all the relationships we have had, we always kept our communications open.
The minute he lied it went from poly to cheating. We don't hide anything from each other... hiding is what causes distrust and that will ruin a relationship. Good luck with what ever way you go
The minute he lied it went from poly to cheating. We don't hide anything from each other... hiding is what causes distrust and that will ruin a relationship. Good luck with what ever way you go
Inyourendo
New member
He's a skillful liar, I'll give him that.
Yeah, how the hell can you ever believe a word out of his mouth. I cant imagine I'd be able to trust him again
Wow, honey. The man is thinking with his dick. He is in NRE (term meaning new relationship energy) which means he is obsessed with the new and shiny.
Some poly people can remain somewhat rational when in NRE. It's a skill that must be developed. Our hormones go through the roof, we think about the new person day and night, we want to be with them all the time, etc etc.
But taking you out for your anniversary, holding you while you cry, then leaving you for 20 minutes to go get his gf gas, and LYING to you that it was his mother getting ill? Inexcusable and unforgivable.
What a bastard. What a sick fuck. He's an immature douchebag and I'd say, she's welcome to him and his lying ways. Yuck!!!
Some poly people can remain somewhat rational when in NRE. It's a skill that must be developed. Our hormones go through the roof, we think about the new person day and night, we want to be with them all the time, etc etc.
But taking you out for your anniversary, holding you while you cry, then leaving you for 20 minutes to go get his gf gas, and LYING to you that it was his mother getting ill? Inexcusable and unforgivable.
What a bastard. What a sick fuck. He's an immature douchebag and I'd say, she's welcome to him and his lying ways. Yuck!!!
graviton
New member
I'm going to play devil's advocate. His wife just got finished bawling her eyes out on their anniversary about his relationship with this other woman and all of a sudden he gets a text claiming she's out of gas. Now he is already on edge from the drama and his gf interjects with a minor emergency. In his mind he is going to help gf because she asked for help. Now does he tell his emotional wife who has been bawling or try to deal with it discretely? Either option sucks. I'm not saying this guy has been good, but I certainly understand why he did what he did. I think a more pertinent question is wtf was gf doing? I don't believe for an instant she was out of gas. She knew they were out together for their anniversary. If all it took was 20 minutes for him to get her gas then she was practically around the corner from them. What the hell was she doing?
Well, yeah. She's jealous her bf is daring to have a wedding anniversary with her "rival." She is totally lacking in respect, calling him for help while he is out "celebrating" however many years marriage with his WIFE.
But this is on him. He made the choice to leave the side of his distraught wife, distraught about how he is conducting himself in their relationship, to add insult to injury with more rude behavior and bad choices. He is "triangulating" his lovers, like narcissists do. Playing one against the other. He is probably enjoying it, the power trip.
But this is on him. He made the choice to leave the side of his distraught wife, distraught about how he is conducting himself in their relationship, to add insult to injury with more rude behavior and bad choices. He is "triangulating" his lovers, like narcissists do. Playing one against the other. He is probably enjoying it, the power trip.
graviton
New member
I highly doubt he enjoys it. I don't doubt he loves both women and now he finds himself in the unenviable position of the two of them fighting over him and making him feel like he has to dump one of them and causing drama. Yes he causes some of the drama but I have a hard time believing this is fun for him.
reflections
New member
Sounds a little bit like plate spinning to me. "Oh, that one's about to topple, better go spin it again! Oh no, now that one's teetering!" That's at least the visual that goes through my mind.
I'm so sorry that he lied to you. Again. I think he's going to keep on trying to spin the plates until one of them falls - he wants both of these relationships, at whatever cost.
I hope you can navigate through this without too much pain, OP.
I'm so sorry that he lied to you. Again. I think he's going to keep on trying to spin the plates until one of them falls - he wants both of these relationships, at whatever cost.
I hope you can navigate through this without too much pain, OP.
graviton
New member
Sounds a little bit like plate spinning to me. "Oh, that one's about to topple, better go spin it again! Oh no, now that one's teetering!" That's at least the visual that goes through my mind.
I'm so sorry that he lied to you. Again. I think he's going to keep on trying to spin the plates until one of them falls - he wants both of these relationships, at whatever cost.
I hope you can navigate through this without too much pain, OP.
Perfect analogy.