I have a couple of questions

H

hiew12

New member
So I'm fairly new to polyamory and I have a few questions for whoever wants to answer them. The reason why I'm asking is because I have social anxiety and need advice as to where I should go from here.

1) Did you ever worry about how you were going to be perceived by your peers? Were worried people were just going to assume that you were a cheater or player? How did you deal with that?

2) How were you able to tell your families in a way so they could understand easily?

3) Do you get irritated (like I do) when they just assume they know what polyamory is (and is wrong) and makes assumptions of your relationships?

I would appreciate if you could take some time to answer these questions. Thank you.
 
All of these questions are common and have been asked many times. :) Search is your friend! :) That said, I don't mind answering them here, personally.

1) Did you ever worry about how you were going to be perceived by your peers? Were worried people were just going to assume that you were a cheater or player? How did you deal with that?
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I did worry, a lot, in the beginning. My then-boyfriend and I were out and about on dates, and I figured it was only a matter of time someone saw us together and thought I was cheating on my husband. For that reason, I came out to all of my friends within a couple of months of beginning to poly-date. I wasn't really worried once I told them I was poly - I felt like I wasn't doing anything wrong, and if THEY had an issue with it, then that was their problem. I did have a few people distance themselves from me, and a couple of old classmates on Facebook unfriended me. It didn't bother me much.

2) How were you able to tell your families in a way so they could understand easily?
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Well, my sister outed me unexpectedly to my family, and I was blindsided by a phone call. I just repeated again and again that this wasn't cheating, because cheating is dishonest, and no one in my relationship was being harmed. We're all adults and understand what we are doing. Certain family members were aghast and tried to pull the bible out and hit me with adultery passages, but, again, I don't believe I am cheating, and I also don't follow Christianity, so that didn't stress me much. When asked how they were expected to explain it to their children, I told them it was the same as explaining same-sex relationships: Sometimes a girl likes another girl, and that's ok. Sometimes a girl likes a guy, and that's ok too. And sometimes a guy likes a guy as well. Love is all around, and in our country, each person gets to choose who they love and who they want to marry. Aunt Bluebird actually likes two guys, and they are both her husbands. So her family has 3 grownups. Easy-peasy.

They didn't really care for that answer, but I knew that wasn't the point. I just kept smiling and doing what I wanted, rather than what they wanted me to do.

My current boyfriend, WarMan, has a blog in the journal section, and it's much shorter than mine - you might want to flip through it - he wrote an amazing letter to his family when he wanted them to know that he was dating a poly person.

3) Do you get irritated (like I do) when they just assume they know what polyamory is (and is wrong) and makes assumptions of your relationships?
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Less so now than in the past. My family was certain that my husbands were gay, no matter how often I would correct them and assert that they were only in a relationship with me. For some reason, my brother told everyone that my husbands weren't dating, but that they kissed each other! Hilarious, but hilariously WRONG. I just figure that people believe what they want to believe, and they don't want to know the truth, so why bother correcting them all the time? I will answer just about anything when asked though.
 
I don't care what people think.

The bulk of my family doesn't know because it's never really come up. I'm sure most of them wouldn't understand. None of them are such radical Christians that they would "disown" me or anything. Meh...they never owned me to begin with.

When people make incorrect assumptions it can be irritating, but I don't take it personally.
 
Other than Hubby and my kids, my only family is my parents. They know I'm poly. They don't entirely approve, but I don't entirely give a shit whether they approve or not.

Hubby has declared that if I deliberately tell anyone in his family, it will be grounds for divorce. Since I barely talk to anyone in his family, it isn't an issue.

Bluebird saying people quoted the Bible at her amuses me...I came out to the pastor if the church my kids attend with Hubby's mother, and after thinking about it, he said, "Well, there's definitely a lot of polygamy in the Bible, and even though I know it isn't quite the same, I guess you could say there's a Biblical basis for polyamory."
 
1) Did you ever worry about how you were going to be perceived by your peers? Were worried people were just going to assume that you were a cheater or player? How did you deal with that?

No, because a) I don't care what other people think and b) Most of the people we know are poly (small queer community).

2) How were you able to tell your families in a way so they could understand easily?

Somewhat. I'm totally open with my family, my partner less so. And we don't care what they think, at the end of the day (see 1 above).

3) Do you get irritated (like I do) when they just assume they know what polyamory is (and is wrong) and makes assumptions of your relationships?

Not really. If they sincerely want to be educated and are respectful about it, I have no problem doing that. I don't go into details about our sex life (other than my best friend, who is my confidante) because it's none of their business, as theirs is none of mine. Also see 1 above.

Hope that helps!
 
1) Did you ever worry about how you were going to be perceived by your peers?
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Which peers? Strangers? I don't deal with them, so why would my behavior matter? I can just be dating people to them. They wouldn't know otherwise.

Were worried people were just going to assume that you were a cheater or player? How did you deal with that?
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Sounds to me you are more worried about friends and family. How to deal with the worry? Make it so you don't have to worry. Seems easiest to either be "out" before going there. Get it over with now, so if you ever need friend and family support at a break up, you only have to deal with "break up crisis" and not "finding out who is there for me for real" crisis on top of it.

Or make a plan to not be "out" and let them deal with their own jumping to conclusions rather than taking it personally. And form your poly support network other than with friends and family.

Say cousin Bob sees you out and gets all in your face about being a cheater. You could ask Cousin Bob "Why do you assume I am cheating? I know I am not, my dating partner X knows I am not, and my established partner Y knows I am not. We are all consenting adults exploring an open model. Thank you for your concern, but it is not necessary to worry about any of us in this case."

2) How were you able to tell your families in a way so they could understand easily?
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Worry about the telling part. The ability or desire to tell? That's your job.

The ability or desire to understand? That's their side of the job. Let them do their side of the job.

The ability or desire to be supportive? They don't have to understand to be supportive. They could say "Look, I don't get this poly stuff. But I do see that you are hurting after a break up. I am sorry. How can I help? Want some tea or a hug?" Is that what you are seeking?

Be clear to yourself on what you are looking for here. Understanding? Support? What? Then ask up front for what you need. Trust they can give you their up front answer and that you can cope with whatever the answer might be.

3) Do you get irritated (like I do) when they just assume they know what polyamory is (and is wrong) and makes assumptions of your relationships?
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Yes. I don't mind them telling me polyamory is wrong for THEM. They get to pick how they want to lead their lives. I get annoyed they assume I am not able to choose for MY life what I want. I don't like being told what to do like I am a child and cannot figure it out myself.

My response is usually something like "Isn't it nice? You get to live your life how you want. I don't tell you how to live it. I get to live mine how I want. You don't tell me how to live mine. Everyone gets to live their own life how they want without a backseat driver. Isn't it great?"

That usually shuts them up.

If they press on I ask " Are you trying to tell me how to live my life? How are my life choices going to mess your life up?" I keep in mind that it isn't about me. It's about them. And sometimes in their fear they overstep boundaries.

Once a relative told me I was going to hell. I calmly said "That is your belief. I don't believe that. If it turns out I am wrong, I'm willing to take the heat. How about you let me handle it when I get there? I am willing to take personal responsibility for my choices. Are you willing for me to do that?"

To their credit, they agreed that they could mind their own beeswax. They expressed their concern once, and now it was up to me to handle things as I see fit for my own life. We get along fine. Whether they still think I will burn in hell or not -- well, I still think I can take the heat when I get there!

Now I'm just marked as the "stubborn one who lives her life how she wants. Can't tell her what to do" and you know what? I am ok with that. ;)

It really is usually about them. Them trying to process new information that challenges their beliefs or their previous picture of you in their heads. Be ok with them being challenged. It opportunity for them to grow, and update their beliefs/picture of you to be more in keeping with the NOW. More accurate. Or not. That's their choice too.

YOU could update YOUR beliefs so you worry less:

"I have some beliefs about how I live my life. Other people might believe different stuff than me and live their lives different. And I can still be ok in my own life."

Tend to your side of the street and do your social anxiety management things. Don't "pre-worry" and crank you own anxiety up.

Galagirl
 
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3) Do you get irritated (like I do) when they just assume they know what polyamory is (and is wrong) and makes assumptions of your relationships?
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Oh, well... It was some time after I married CJ when I realized that me and him had very different understanding about polyamory. I thought I had communicated clearly enough, but obviously it had not happened. That was when I completely stopped using the word "polyamory" and started describing my relationships as they were.

Even the people who identify as poly can't agree with the definition of the word; what is "real poly" and what it is not, so it should not be surprising that other people have their (more or less correct) ideas about poly. No need to get irritated, really.
 
1) Did you ever worry about how you were going to be perceived by your peers? Were worried people were just going to assume that you were a cheater or player? How did you deal with that?

Nope I don't give damn what others think of me.

2) How were you able to tell your families in a way so they could understand easily?

I just was honest blunt and to the point and answered any questions.

3) Do you get irritated (like I do) when they just assume they know what polyamory is (and is wrong) and makes assumptions of your relationships?

Again who cares what others think. My self value doesn't come from others.
 
1. Telling peers

I'm out to many of my coworkers. I work in an office, for an international firm that does (essentially) accounting and software development/sales/maintenance functions. Fortunately I'm living in the Western half of the nation, where people in this office are also quite likely to have purple hair, or visible tattoos. I've lived in places where if you work in an office environment, you are expected to behave in fairly buttoned-up ways. Not so much here.

Some of my coworkers even know about my interests in BDSM...which is usually more shocking to them than poly. Most are bored, divorced, middle aged ladies who love to live vicariously through me. I guess.

Anyhow I'm fairly diplomatic in the WAYS that I explain things to people and no one really judges me too harshly over it.

2. Family

Even my very religious little brother has heard me out and doesn't seem to judge me too much. I DID have to explain to my Mom how what I'm doing now is different from the very casual flings I used to blow through during my teenage years. I did not want relationships then. I want them now. Just more than one.

3. People not really understanding what it is that I do...

It's generally easy to remedy by explaining it to them. Some of the points that help it to make sense:

- Pointing out that there is honesty, that my loves not only know ABOUT one another, they KNOW one another, and are at least friends if not also lovers amongst themselves. The communication element.
- Telling them that for me, one of the huge benefits is that I feel we are under less pressure to be "All The Things" that a partner needs all the time.
- Telling them that it really is not all about sex. We do a lot of social things, have lots of time just enjoying each other's company, dinners, movies, group dates, and all sorts of other activities.
- Telling them that two of them are highly skilled at massage. I mean seriously, if you could date a couple of massage therapists who would happily work on you at the same time...who says no to that? ;)

The biggest misunderstanding I have to push back against, which I think is untrue, is that some feel I'm just going wild following the end of my long, sucky marriage. Basically being promiscuous and screwing around because I'm drunk with freedom. Now I can't say that I will never reach a point where monogamy might make sense to me again...who knows?...but I don't feel that my current relationships are just some passing phase. Nor do I feel that they are irresponsible, wild, casual or reckless.
 
Hi hiew12,

Re (from OP):
"Did you ever worry about how you were going to be perceived by your peers?"
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I reckon just about everyone worries about that to some extent.

Re:
"Were you worried people were just going to assume that you were a cheater or player?"
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Forget worrying; people *did* assume that, and used pointed words to tell me so. (Fortunately, most people are more polite than that.)

Re:
"How did you deal with that?"
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With some difficulty. Sort of like struggling for breath after you've gotten the wind knocked out of you. (But, then, I have a thinner skin than most people.)

Re:
"How were you able to tell your families in a way so they could understand easily?"
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For the most part, I have yet to tell any family members. My older brother is the only one who officially knows. (Although, other family members may have guessed.)

For the most part, my family members have been treating me decently. None at all have gave me a bad time about being poly (even if they did guess).

Re:
"Do you get irritated (like I do) when they just assume they know what polyamory is (and are wrong) and make assumptions of your relationships?"
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Heh, much more than irritated. (But I recover.)

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I am impressed

hiew12 said:
So I'm fairly new to polyamory
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Wow. After so many years of seeing posts from people new to polyamory, essentially "how do I hide my lifestyle choice(s) from my friends/family/neighbors/church/children/roommates/pets??"...:D

...someone walks in & asks questions that seem to be leading toward "what can I expect by being more open?"

Phenomenal.

All those many years ago, my household began from the gay premise "closets are death-traps." We also agreed that dodging the truth is lying, & that the problem with lies is you have to track WHAT you told to WHO so that you can keep all the litle stories straight -- waaaaay too much work for something that's just gonna backfire eventually.

Though not always pleaant, our general experience was that good people trusted with the truth tend to carry the burden well, & even become your champions BECAUSE of your honesty. Meanwhile, even saints can get a bit cranky when they find you've lied to them.:(

That does NOT mean getting in peoples' faces & challenging them. If you've got family that's uncomfortable with PDAs, then playing kissy-face with your TWO fwb's is being mean-spirited.

By the time I was actively poly, my mom & sister already knew I was years into a Wiccan organization, & I'd mentioned my household in letters. When I showed up with my wife & our partner, my family was much more amused than shocked.

As for making it more bite-sized, I can't guess YOUR situation, but for me it helped that I was unmarried & in a years-long "dating around" phase, so my family had heard me mention a few names, & Mom would ask about those who seemed to come up most often. Certainly, she mentioned these to Dad (who was never big on letter-writing OR phone calls).

Mom discouraged us from leaping into "one & only" relationships from Date One & to instead move slowly & take plenty of time to know someone before grasping for Commitment. I suppose it's a little late to tell you "be born into a really cool family"...:rolleyes:

For almost four years in my late 20s, I had an evening office job at college, & once in a while one of my current or former lovers would drop by (sometimes in pairs) -- thinking back through the cobwebs, that was at least eight lovely young women. They'd tell me what they'd been up to, what their plans were, sometimes we'd make a date for later, & often there'd be a goodbye kiss. As I'm not exactly good-looking, this made my co-workers quite curious, but only a few ventured to query. I answered easily, like it was no big thing, & that's pretty much where it ended. Depending on your employer, YMMV.

Yes, people WILL misunderstand; it's inevitable. Sometimes, it's just teasing -- there were plenty of wisecracks in my social circle about my "harem" -- & often it's just good-natured cluelessness. Be calm, smile, answer questions gracefully.
 
It's nobody's business what or who I do, and I don't really give a shit what anyone else thinks. I don't talk about anything in my personal life at work -- basically because if I talk about myself there, then I'll have to be polite and listen to somebody I work with talk about themselves, and I don't want to do that because I have no interest in what they do or how they live! I have some family I'm close to, but I seldom interact with most of my relatives, and really don't care whether they approve or misunderstand. My life is my own, and I'm not out to prove anything, be an example, or gain acceptance by anyone.
 
Did you ever worry about how you were going to be perceived by your peers?

No, but then I haven't told a whole lot. I've talked to my best friend. She understands but has expressed that she (a serial cheater) has opted in to total monogamy now she's met the man she subsequently married. She acknowledges that this is a choice.

I had fun with it once.

I started a new job with a group (10 of us started at once) and on day one as a team building exercise we were asked what 3 things/people we'd take to a desert island. I replied my husband, my boyfriend, and my husband's best friend because he's a survivalist and would come with everything else we needed hehe.

No one asked. Ever.

(thank goodness, because I'm not sure I would have confidently narrowed it to one boyfriend - can't I just take them all hehe)

;)
 
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