I have no idea what I am doing

[MsEmotional]

I have totally fallen for the first person I went on a date with after opening up my marriage. We are both super into each other and have exchanged tentative but genuine expressions of love for one another.

But I am so confused! I have no idea what I am doing or why. I have never identified as polyamorous or felt like there were needs that my husband couldn't meet for me. I have so much fun with this person and I enjoy our time together and the intimacy we share, but I have no clue what my "goal" is. Just because you CAN love two people at once, does that mean you should?

I am also starting to feel really vulnerable and worried that we rushed a relationship too fast. I don't feel uncomfortable with any aspect of our relationship, just kind of overwhelmed by how strongly I feel? Should I back off? Is there a way to ask for more space -- even if I am loving the level of intimacy we share-- just because I am whirling from the intensity?

 

[Tinwen]

I am also starting to feel really vulnerable and worried that we rushed a relationship too fast. I don't feel uncomfortable with any aspect of our relationship, just kind of overwhelmed by how strongly I feel? Should I back off? Is there a way to ask for more space -- even if I am loving the level of intimacy we share-- just because I am whirling from the intensity?

Of course there is a way to ask for more space - you could use exactly the words you used here. "I am overwhelmed by how strongly I feel and I need some more time to figure out what's going on. Would you be willing to... (insert your request)".
With overwhelming feelings, sometimes a few quiet hours are enough. Try scheduling focused time by yourself for yourself. You could use it to calm down in whatever your favourite way to do it is (could meditate or draw a picture or go watch the sunset ...), to journal/contemplate about your "goal", to just savour the state of mind and body you are currently in.

 

[MsEmotional]

Of course there is a way to ask for more space - you could use exactly the words you used here. "I am overwhelmed by how strongly I feel and I need some more time to figure out what's going on. Would you be willing to... (insert your request)".
With overwhelming feelings, sometimes a few quiet hours are enough. Try scheduling focused time by yourself for yourself. You could use it to calm down in whatever your favourite way to do it is (could meditate or draw a picture or go watch the sunset ...), to journal/contemplate about your "goal", to just savour the state of mind and body you are currently in.

Thank you for your response. Do you have any other suggestions for what that "request" that I insert could be? I have been taking time to think things over to myself, but I am thinking that what I need is to get space *within* the relationship. Like, I want to take a step backwards? Is there a way to basically ask that we spend the same amount of time together but maybe reduce the level of intimacy? I am enjoying myself immensely, but I am just freaked out by the intensity of my emotional and physical connection.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Like, I want to take a step backwards?

I'd say "yes -- definitely!!!"... but upon rereading, I suspect you're suggesting backing off from your husband, which would be a REALLY bad idea unless you're already planning divorce.

IME, you're placing waaaaay too much credence in your feelings. That's not some sort of terrible failing on your part. But, really, how many times in your life have you fallen head-over-heels in love? And as you say,

I have totally fallen for the first person I went on a date with

Objectively, what are the odds of that happening? If you believe in "soul mate" stuff, fine, but it's more likely that you'd win top prize in the Powerball lottery -- three times. Yet, YOU manage it right out of the gate... just like MOST people who fall in love.

It takes time & it takes practice to even have the opportunity to understand how easy it is for those feelings to arise.

Is there some reason that you absolutely MUST pursue this, right NOW, going "all in" on it?

If not, then settle down, mellow out, get your wits about you. My experience is that if I avoid haring off after some fleeting attraction -- no matter how initially powerful -- & the opportunity fades away, then it was probably a GREAT idea to not put more faith into it than Reality supported.

 

[Ravenscroft]

What about your "new guy"? How many times has HE fallen in love?

And what is the likelihood that he's harboring expectations that you will marry him, & him alone, for the rest of your lives?

 

[MsEmotional]

I'd say "yes -- definitely!!!"... but upon rereading, I suspect you're suggesting backing off from your husband, which would be a REALLY bad idea unless you're already planning divorce.

I am not talking about backing off from my husband. I'm not sure how I gave that impression, but I was definitely referring to backing off from the new relationship.

IME, you're placing waaaaay too much credence in your feelings. That's not some sort of terrible failing on your part. But, really, how many times in your life have you fallen head-over-heels in love? And as you say,

Objectively, what are the odds of that happening? If you believe in "soul mate" stuff, fine, but it's more likely that you'd win top prize in the Powerball lottery -- three times. Yet, YOU manage it right out of the gate... just like MOST people who fall in love.

I don't believe in soul mates. I think if I did I wouldn't be interested in polyamory. I believe that there are many types of love and that it is possible to love more than one person. I just don't know if pursuing those feelings is the right move for me personally.

It takes time & it takes practice to even have the opportunity to understand how easy it is for those feelings to arise.

Can you explain what you mean by this? I don't understand what you are referring to by taking practice to have the opportunity to understand how easy it is for feelings to arise.

Is there some reason that you absolutely MUST pursue this, right NOW, going "all in" on it?

No, of course not. There's never any reason that someone MUST pursue a relationship. But I am certainly enjoying myself and finding it to be very rewarding, so my question is whether there is a way to manage the intensity of my feelings.

If not, then settle down, mellow out, get your wits about you. My experience is that if I avoid haring off after some fleeting attraction -- no matter how initially powerful -- & the opportunity fades away, then it was probably a GREAT idea to not put more faith into it than Reality supported.

I guess I am confused about what you are saying here too. Are you saying that if there's not a reason you MUST pursue a relationship, then you shouldn't do it?

 

[Tinwen]

Thank you for your response. Do you have any other suggestions for what that "request" that I insert could be? I have been taking time to think things over to myself, but I am thinking that what I need is to get space *within* the relationship. Like, I want to take a step backwards? Is there a way to basically ask that we spend the same amount of time together but maybe reduce the level of intimacy? I am enjoying myself immensely, but I am just freaked out by the intensity of my emotional and physical connection.

I didn't have a clear suggestion of what your request should be from your original post. But you seem to answer your question again. "Would you be willing to spend the same amount of time together but reduce the level of intimacy?"
You'll probably choose words a little more carefully, but this is the message You may want to clarify what that means. Not doing some activities at all? Or just less often? Skip sex this evening and just hold hands and watch movies?

From what you are writing I am guessing that your intimate activities make you very hormonally high, which is perhaps followed by a drop, forming a rollercoaster; or perhaps followed by a craving/bonding to the new person too intense for you to manage. So you want to make the experience more level and easy, but you are not sure how to do that. Is that your question to people on this forum?

If so... I'm probably not experienced enough with NRE to answer well. Managing the level of intimacy may be a good idea, although I can imagine it backfiring if you try to do it too forcefully.
Be considerate with yourself. It's ok to choose less intensity.

 

[MsEmotional]

What about your "new guy"? How many times has HE fallen in love?

And what is the likelihood that he's harboring expectations that you will marry him, & him alone, for the rest of your lives?

I have no idea how many times he's fallen in love. He has another girlfriend and I know he tells her he loves her, but he's known her much longer than me so I have no reference point for how fast their relationship developed.

He has made it very clear that he is non-monogamous and that he wants to only seek relationships that are open to multiple partnership, so I really don't think he is expecting me to run off with him.

 

[MsEmotional]

I didn't have a clear suggestion of what your request should be from your original post. But you seem to answer your question again. "Would you be willing to spend the same amount of time together but reduce the level of intimacy?"
You'll probably choose words a little more carefully, but this is the message You may want to clarify what that means. Not doing some activities at all? Or just less often? Skip sex this evening and just hold hands and watch movies?

From what you are writing I am guessing that your intimate activities make you very hormonally high, which is perhaps followed by a drop, forming a rollercoaster; or perhaps followed by a craving/bonding to the new person too intense for you to manage. So you want to make the experience more level and easy, but you are not sure how to do that. Is that your question to people on this forum?

If so... I'm probably not experienced enough with NRE to answer well. Managing the level of intimacy may be a good idea, although I can imagine it backfiring if you try to do it too forcefully.
Be considerate with yourself. It's ok to choose less intensity.

Thank you. And yes, you are correct that my question is how to make the experience more level and easy. I appreciate you helping me clarify it!

 

[Magdlyn]

When you find yourself attracted to someone, your brain is flooded with several hormones that make you feel good, make the whole world seem better, make you feel "more alive," and other hormones that make you feel bonded to the crush, that make you obsessed with them, that make you crave to be with them a lot. It's like an addiction. You can lose your appetite, lose sleep, ignore friends and responsibilities.

This is what polyamorists call New Relationship Energy. It is also called infatuation. The person we are with is idealised and seems like the be-all and end-all, totally fascinating, almost perfect, or like "we've known them all our lives."

This is all illusory, of course. It's nature's way of causing pair bonding, making us want to mate and breed and continue our species.

NRE lasts from 3 months to 2 years, most commonly 6-12 months.

I don't know if you can have "less intense dates" while still seeing each other as often. Some people love NRE, and dump a person when the NRE wears off, and go searching for the next hit of it with someone new. Others are aware when they fall for someone, it is "just NRE" and learn to recognise the symptoms and not be a slave to them.

If these feelings frighten or annoy you, you could see the person less. Spend less time texting them. Focus on your husband, your job, your kids, other friends, hobbies, brisk exercise. Get a little distance. Simmer down a bit. Rest assured these are normal feelings, but the rose colored glasses will come off eventually. "Real" love grows over time, infatuation/NRE is temporary.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Thank you for your response. Do you have any other suggestions for what that "request" that I insert could be? I have been taking time to think things over to myself, but I am thinking that what I need is to get space *within* the relationship. Like, I want to take a step backwards? Is there a way to basically ask that we spend the same amount of time together but maybe reduce the level of intimacy? I am enjoying myself immensely, but I am just freaked out by the intensity of my emotional and physical connection.

I suppose it hinges to some extent on which activities you do together that spike your feelings of intimacy and intensity. Is every date a romantic dinner, deep conversation, and then passionate sex? You could ask for the same amount of time together but that the focus, for now, be on getting to know the whole person. Going out on more "friend" type activities around other people. Go to a gallery opening, wine tasting, or museum event where you both can interact with other people too.

Look for activities that "broaden" your relationship instead of "deepening" it. Try something new for each of you - kayaking, bowling, golfing - you will learn how the other person reacts when they get bored or frustrated. Gather friends to include in paintball or an Escape Room and you will see how each other plays as part of a team. Take an art class or a workshop together and see each others' creative side.

It is easier, in my mind, to go down the NRE rabbit-whole when you are cocooned in a new relationship and oblivious to the outside world - so go out and explore it together.

 

[dingedheart]

I have totally fallen for the first person I went on a date with after opening up my marriage. We are both super into each other and have exchanged tentative but genuine expressions of love for one another.

But I am so confused! I have no idea what I am doing or why. I have never identified as polyamorous or felt like there were needs that my husband couldn't meet for me. I have so much fun with this person and I enjoy our time together and the intimacy we share, but I have no clue what my "goal" is. Just because you CAN love two people at once, does that mean you should?

I am also starting to feel really vulnerable and worried that we rushed a relationship too fast. I don't feel uncomfortable with any aspect of our relationship, just kind of overwhelmed by how strongly I feel? Should I back off? Is there a way to ask for more space -- even if I am loving the level of intimacy we share-- just because I am whirling from the intensity?

I didn't read any of the other replies so I apologize if this is already suggested.

RELAX, have fun and trust your gut. As long as your gut / guidance system keeps those strong feels from you acting destructively everything is fine.
IMO enjoy the ride .

 

[kdt26417]

Hi MsEmotional,

It sounds like you are new to polyamory, and this is your first polyamorous experience. It can seem overwhelming at first, especially with NRE in play. Perhaps your next step would be to take a step back, dial down the new intimacy a little bit. You have to decide which part of the intimacy is overwhelming you. The physical part? the emotional part? Knowing which part it is will give you a better idea of what area you need a step back from.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Shaya]

Hi,

I hear that you are surprised and feeling overwhelmed at your first date since you were married. If you think about it, that's not really that surprising. How many married people get to date someone new? Of course it's exciting.

My only advice is to make sure you are clear on the distinction between falling in love and growing in love. Not sure if I've given you the link before, but your husband probably needs to know that the love you feel for this new man is not going to be the same as the love you feel for him. The English language uses the same word love, but I feel the word love means different things and at a confusing point in life like this, a clear distinction may help your husband with his possible jealousy as he sees you so euphoric from NRE.

Hope it helps,
Shaya.